Side effects

GONAL-F RFF™ Pen
(follitropin alfa injection)


PATIENT'S INFORMATION LEAFLET

WARNINGS

While on this medication, patient may suddenly feel it is a good idea to sample a stuffed soft pretzel from the snacks-and-Franklin-Mint-collectibles kiosk at the worst mall in America (anchor stores: Wal-Mart and J. C. Penney).  It is not.  Any sudden pre-vomitive surge of saliva into patient's mouth upon tasting said stuffed soft pretzel — the pizza variety, for the love of God, I mean, pizza — is entirely normal and completely unrelated to this medication.

While on this medication, patient should not look at ultrasound pictures from past failed pregnancies, even if it is, as she stubbornly insists, accidental.  (Patient is fooling absolutely no one, but nevertheless, Serono asserts that it cannot be held responsible if patient is stupid enough to keep such materials with the rest of her medical records.)  Doing so may result in David Bowie's "Space Oddity" playing in patient's head in a constant unnerving loop, especially the lines, "And I'm floating in a most peculiar waaa-ay / And the stars look very different todaaa-ay..."

As a result of taking this medication, patient may experience a feeling of abdominal fullness, enlargement of the ovaries, increased cervical mucus, and breast tenderness.  Patients are advised that if they experience these symptoms, it's working, you lucky jackass!  It's working.  Pretty cool, huh?  Yeah.  Serono knows.

During patient's course of treatment with this medication, patient's offspring may become afflicted with a double ear infection, a deep chest-rattling cough, twin flumes of viscous green mucus escaping sluggishly from his reddened button of a nose, aaaaand pink-eye.  Patient will wash her hands an awful fucking lot.  This is not, Serono warns, a substitute for using the alcohol swabs provided with the patient's medication administration kit.  But, really, why in the world is Serono wasting its breath this time?  Serono tries and tries and tries to tell patient, but will patient listen?  NoooOooOOoooo.  Serono might as well be talking to a brick wall for all the attention patient pays.  One day when patient's navel turns gangrenous, patient will be sorry patient didn't listen, but don't come crying to Serono then.

Patient may experience insomnia, disturbed sleep, vaguely upsetting dreams only half-remembered upon waking, and a weariness so profound it's all patient can do to zip up her ill-fitting jeans without lying down for a little rest first.

Oh, hey, did Serono mention the bloating?

Injection of this medication may cause bruising. In rare cases, partial amputation, disappearance of all secondary sex characteristics, and sudden catastrophic facelessness may occur.

While taking this medication, patient may experience vivid delusions.  If at any point in the course of treatment patient finds herself imagining herself holding a real live brand-new baby, it is imperative that patient seek professional help without delay, because, damn, patient must be on some good drugs.

Posted by Julie at 01:56:13 PM in I am full of good ideas

Comments

Side effects

GONAL-F RFF™ Pen
(follitropin alfa injection)


PATIENT'S INFORMATION LEAFLET

WARNINGS

While on this medication, patient may suddenly feel it is a good idea to sample a stuffed soft pretzel from the snacks-and-Franklin-Mint-collectibles kiosk at the worst mall in America (anchor stores: Wal-Mart and J. C. Penney).  It is not.  Any sudden pre-vomitive surge of saliva into patient's mouth upon tasting said stuffed soft pretzel — the pizza variety, for the love of God, I mean, pizza — is entirely normal and completely unrelated to this medication.

While on this medication, patient should not look at ultrasound pictures from past failed pregnancies, even if it is, as she stubbornly insists, accidental.  (Patient is fooling absolutely no one, but nevertheless, Serono asserts that it cannot be held responsible if patient is stupid enough to keep such materials with the rest of her medical records.)  Doing so may result in David Bowie's "Space Oddity" playing in patient's head in a constant unnerving loop, especially the lines, "And I'm floating in a most peculiar waaa-ay / And the stars look very different todaaa-ay..."

As a result of taking this medication, patient may experience a feeling of abdominal fullness, enlargement of the ovaries, increased cervical mucus, and breast tenderness.  Patients are advised that if they experience these symptoms, it's working, you lucky jackass!  It's working.  Pretty cool, huh?  Yeah.  Serono knows.

During patient's course of treatment with this medication, patient's offspring may become afflicted with a double ear infection, a deep chest-rattling cough, twin flumes of viscous green mucus escaping sluggishly from his reddened button of a nose, aaaaand pink-eye.  Patient will wash her hands an awful fucking lot.  This is not, Serono warns, a substitute for using the alcohol swabs provided with the patient's medication administration kit.  But, really, why in the world is Serono wasting its breath this time?  Serono tries and tries and tries to tell patient, but will patient listen?  NoooOooOOoooo.  Serono might as well be talking to a brick wall for all the attention patient pays.  One day when patient's navel turns gangrenous, patient will be sorry patient didn't listen, but don't come crying to Serono then.

Patient may experience insomnia, disturbed sleep, vaguely upsetting dreams only half-remembered upon waking, and a weariness so profound it's all patient can do to zip up her ill-fitting jeans without lying down for a little rest first.

Oh, hey, did Serono mention the bloating?

Injection of this medication may cause bruising. In rare cases, partial amputation, disappearance of all secondary sex characteristics, and sudden catastrophic facelessness may occur.

While taking this medication, patient may experience vivid delusions.  If at any point in the course of treatment patient finds herself imagining herself holding a real live brand-new baby, it is imperative that patient seek professional help without delay, because, damn, patient must be on some good drugs.