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12/31/2006
Christmas in the hole
At my parents' house the day before Christmas, my older brother, a Gulf War Marine Corps veteran, lurched in from the garage carrying a laundry basket spilling over with wrapped gifts and bellowed, "Christmas in the hooooollllllllle!"
It's a better metaphor than he knew. I spent Christmas in the hole. Instead of feeling bright and expansive, I was tired, preoccupied, and muted. It took a significant sustained effort to stay alert and seem engaged when all I longed to do was drag myself into a quiet closet, curl up into a human comma, and sleep. Wait, I will give you a simple but effective illustration of my state of mind: When I heard my father say, "Charlie, want to see Grandfather's gun?" I did not immediately fly furiously across the kitchen, dead set on making him eat it. (It was more of an exasperated mosey.)
It is a strange and burdensome thing to pretend to be cheerful when my sadness is so pervasive. We haven't told our families about anything that's happened. It always seems easier that way, when acknowledging it would also mean having to seem recovered from it.
I have not recovered. There's so much I didn't manage this year, made sluggish by my disappointment. No decorations to speak of; cards sent haphazardly to very few. The gifts for my family arrived in time, just barely. The gifts for Paul's family did not. The excuses I made were dishonest. I sent a note of apology to his sister, whose reply I can only paraphrase because it made me feel so rotten that I immediately deleted it.
I received your message with some glee. I'd felt bad every time I visited you and Paul because your home and your hospitality were always so impeccable. Now I see I can blame my own shortcomings on having children around instead of my own lack of organization. You're finding out how having kids changes your whole life!
Uh.
Okay!
Sure I am!
For the entire length of our visit, Charlie was magnificent, which made it both better and worse. To those of you who worry that in my sadness I fail to appreciate the child I already have, let me assure you that watching him clap his hands with delight on Christmas morning, dancing from foot to foot, caroling, "Hewway forda Kissmas tree!" did something gorgeous and indelible to my heart. But hearing my parents marvel at his beauty, and exclaim over his unflagging good nature, and refer to him with wonder as "a real miracle" did something indelible, too. Back before we had Charlie, I had not been willing to accept that we might not get this at all. Now I don't know how to accept that we may get it only this once.
Late in the afternoon, when the presents had been opened and we were all more than a little shell-shocked, I sat with a glassy-eyed Charlie on my lap. My brother waved his hand in front of Charlie's face. Charlie's expression didn't change; he didn't even notice it. "Poor kid," said my brother, sadly shaking his head. "Hit by Christmas shrapnel."
Well, that makes two of us, brother.
Posted by Julie at 09:37 PM in Welcome to the bad place. Population: You | Permalink
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Comments (76)
I won't pretend I "understand", just saying that I can see how you feel and I've had similar feelings. And they suck, and the holidays can make them worse.
I don't remember if you've addressed this, but are you seeing anyone, therapist wise? Because it sounds like it might help you be able to deal, eventually, and it might be easier than just toughing it out. Someone who isn't your family or spouse or random blog reader might be able to help you walk through this. There is a good place past where you are! You just don't know how long it will take to get there.
Posted by: emjaybee at Dec 31, 2006 9:45:59 PM
I don't know what to say except I am so, so sorry. I had such high hopes for y'all and I have said some prayers for you.
Posted by: Kristin at Dec 31, 2006 9:49:02 PM
Julie -- I was SO where you are now, and it is horrible. But there's no reason to stop the growth of your family . . . give it some time and you and Paul should reassess. There's more ways than one to have a child -- and it seems to me you both have a lot of love to give another. It took me 5 failed IVFs before we turned to DE. My son LOVES his sister, and I can't imagine our life without her. I shudder to think that we'd never have had her if I was that hung up on my DNA. Give it some thought.
A happy, safe New Year to you and yours.
Posted by: Stacey at Dec 31, 2006 10:01:18 PM
Lots of love your way.
Posted by: Jill at Dec 31, 2006 10:10:26 PM
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I can so easily remember the numbness that I felt exactly this time last year when I was going through one of my cancelled cycles. Christmas time just makes pain so much greater. I am so sorry.
Posted by: MereCat at Dec 31, 2006 10:30:19 PM
You state it so perfectly, the sorrow of not getting to experience another child. Seeing our son grow and change and fearing we'd never go down that road again was almost more than we could bear.
I hope that no matter how it comes to be, that you'll be a mommy again and Charlie a big brother.
Posted by: K&M at Dec 31, 2006 10:31:16 PM
I'm sorry. You are entirely entitled to your grief. I hope that 2007 brings you some peace somehow.
Posted by: Emmie (Better Make It A Double) at Dec 31, 2006 10:33:28 PM
You state it so perfectly, the sorrow of not getting to experience another child. Seeing our son grow and change and fearing we'd never go down that road again was almost more than we could bear.
I hope that no matter how it comes to be, that you'll be a mommy again and Charlie a big brother.
Posted by: K&M at Dec 31, 2006 10:36:18 PM
I am so sorry. It just hurts and hurts. I wish I could carry some of that grief for you and make the burden a little lighter. You are in my thoughts.
Posted by: Cris at Dec 31, 2006 10:45:27 PM
I went through three-and-a half years of trying to have number two baby. It was that tightrope walk of appreciating what you have, but longing for more. It is a different kind of bittersweet.
Out the window went all my fantasies about having children close in age, etc., etc. But once I embraced the only-child scenario and quit, I was truly happy, and then I was successfully pregnant.
So my kids are four years + apart, and we are "older" parents, but it is all good. And I think it still would have been all good whether it ended with one, we did DE or DS, adopted or any other combination. It is the middle ground were things are bad. So you are in the hole, the middle ground, and you know logically that you will eventually get past those crushing feelings. Yet logic doesn't help. Winter doesn't help. It is a waiting game, but if it is bad enough, I agree with emjaybee, you should see a professional who can help.
Good luck and best wishes for an early Spring.
Posted by: Betty at Dec 31, 2006 10:53:25 PM
Jiminy christmas woman! You made 26 types of cookies!
Posted by: Leslie at Dec 31, 2006 10:57:34 PM
Julie,
I don't know how much this helps, if any at all...
We all love you. Each and every one of us who read this. Whether we have had a child or children, or are trying with or without success. That's why I keep coming back, anyway. And I believe I speak for everyone when I say our thoughts are with you.
Here's to a new year.
Posted by: Nicole at Dec 31, 2006 11:11:10 PM
Hugs, Julie. I'm so sorry.
I'm in a slightly similar bad place with the wonderfulness of child 1 and the grief at the loss of the most recent attempt (#3) at child 2. Yeah, I got yer comfort and joy right here...
Your experiences are crushingly familiar in some ways.
I hope there's someone in your family you can take aside and give a clue as to how the holidays are *really* going for you, and that things are still mighty sucky right now. (In the meantime, at least you've got us Internets...)
I wish you and Paul better times, speedily and soon.
Posted by: Rhonda at Dec 31, 2006 11:19:14 PM
I'm so sorry; the holidays are so hard to manage when your heart is breaking. I was in your shoes last year -- my last IVF attempt had failed in early December, and I got through Christmas on a combination of alcohol-fueled numbness and lies about "headaches" that kept me in bed a lot.
I can't say anything that will take this pain and sadness from you -- I wish with all my heart I could. We decided last summer to use DE's to become pregnant, and I'm happy with our decision. But a bit of the pain from realizing that we wouldn't be having a second child with my genes is still with me, like a scar. It's not as sharp, but the memory of it will never go away. I'm sure I will love our new child to pieces, but there will always be a bit of sadness from all the defeat and disappointment we went through in the years before her birth.
I can only hope that you find peace with whatever path you decide to take (or not take) in the near future. Your cyber-friends all care so much about you; we are wishing you the best.
Posted by: Lynn at Jan 1, 2007 1:41:15 AM
I'm so very sorry. Wishing you better times in 2007, and many happy times with Charlie, who sounds just wonderful as usual.
Posted by: SheilaC at Jan 1, 2007 1:42:11 AM
I'm so sorry. I was really hoping for 2006 to end in a happier way for you. I just hope that while time clearly won't heal all of your wounds, it will help you to cope with the aftermath of this latest, and to find a way to move forward.
Posted by: Sara at Jan 1, 2007 2:49:42 AM
It sounds like you are having one of those IF holidays in the lowlands. One of those "stupid cycle got cancelled/ended up negative might as well drink myself into a stupor" holidays, only marginally better than the "I can't believe we finally got pregnant, only to miscarry" or the numbing "have to wait and see if we can cycle ever again due to (take your pick here)finances/health/eggs/sperm/de?/adoption?/whatthehellarewegoing todoanyway?" holidays. Getting through the holidays (which can be any holiday under the sun, as far as I can tell) when you're in the lowlands sucks donkey balls. I feel that next year by this time you will be on your way to child number two, but when you are hanging your head in despair, it's hard to look up and see the light on the horizon. I wish that there was something that we internet people could do for you, but I guess the best we can do is say "we're all here for you, we've been there too, it will get better". Wishing you all the best.
Posted by: Chickenpig at Jan 1, 2007 7:27:58 AM
I can't relate, but my heart hurts for you and the other infertiles in my life.
Posted by: Carrie at Jan 1, 2007 8:07:51 AM
I'm so very sorry.
Posted by: pink at Jan 1, 2007 9:54:35 AM
I'm with you on so many levels. I'm struggling a lot of the same emotions that you are describing and, well, I'm just with you on so many levels. The only thing that got me through the holidays was seeing the joy on my daughter's face Christmas morning.
Here's to a Child's Joy.
Happy New Year.
Posted by: Liv at Jan 1, 2007 10:05:08 AM
same here.
Posted by: Amber at Jan 1, 2007 10:10:20 AM
Julie, I am just sorry you're going through this. It blows.
"Heway forda Christmas twee!" Adorable.
Posted by: AmyinMotown at Jan 1, 2007 10:31:34 AM
While I did giggle a bit when you said "curl up in a human comma," it makes my heart break for you to think thats how you feel. I hope, hope, hope 2007 will be better for you.
Posted by: Karly at Jan 1, 2007 10:54:11 AM
Julie, I'm sorry that Christmas was so...I just really feel for you. Whatever you need, please know that I will always be here -- you've touched my life so much through your words, your kindness, your thoughtfulness. My family are all thinking of you.
Posted by: Miss W at Jan 1, 2007 11:04:54 AM
I'm so sorry. I have been there: there are ten and half years between my first and second children due to my inability to conceive and carry a pregnancy past eight weeks. Those ten years passsed in a flurry of joy and grief. My son was and is a precious, wonderful blessing. The fact that he was an unintended only child for ten years shredded my heart every single day. And even now, there are still moments and days when I cannot bask in the blessings of the children I have -- as I feel I ought to be, every-single-minute -- because the ghosts get in the way.
Here's praying that the coming years bring you more blessings than sorrow, and that it all gets easier to bear, somehow, over time.
Posted by: Beth at Jan 1, 2007 11:26:26 AM
Thinking of you.
Posted by: Susan at Jan 1, 2007 11:27:10 AM
I am so very, very sorry.
Posted by: Stacie at Jan 1, 2007 11:31:57 AM
Riding that same train here and wanting you to know that I not only understand but feel it with you deeply. The BFP dug deeper this Christmas. As I retell my friends and family about the beautiful things my sweet, sweet boy says to me and they ooo and ahhh about it, I'm simultaneously destroyed inside knowing that, at this point, I only get to do all this once. It making everytinylittlething he does HUGE to me.
Hugs!
Posted by: Hero at Jan 1, 2007 11:51:07 AM
Whoops, that's supposed to be BFN, not BFP! ARG, go back to bed Hero!
Posted by: Hero at Jan 1, 2007 11:59:23 AM
I hope 2007 brings you peace.
Posted by: FishyGirl at Jan 1, 2007 12:02:39 PM
Julie, so sorry. Wishing you a much better 2007.
Posted by: Loona at Jan 1, 2007 12:23:05 PM
XO, my dear.
Posted by: Flicka at Jan 1, 2007 12:33:56 PM
"Back before we had Charlie, I had not been willing to accept that we might not get this at all. Now I don't know how to accept that we may get it only this once."
I understand! Been there. Am still there. I wish you peace and all good things in 2007.
Posted by: linda at Jan 1, 2007 12:34:23 PM
Add me to the list of gals who was in the same boat last Christmas. AF ambushed me on Christmas Eve so it was pretty miserable. I was starting to lose hope of ever being lucky enough to get to experience another child, but somehow thru it all, we kept going - even when reason told us to quit and I sit here today on the verge of my 2nd trimester. Who knew?
I sure hope that 2007 brings you better outcomes and more hope. Until then, wallow away, it can be very, very useful.
Posted by: Nickie at Jan 1, 2007 1:02:06 PM
Julie, I've been reading your blog for years and years. Our histories are surprisingly similar. I was in NYC when you were, we probably crossed paths in the waiting room. I don't have a blog or post comments very often, but I feel like I know you and I love you and Charlie. (My son is just a few months older.) Forgive me for asking this, I don't want to make things work, but have you definitely ruled out going back to NYC? If anybody can change things, they can. Wishing you peace.
Cat
Posted by: Cathleen at Jan 1, 2007 1:10:13 PM
I don't know what to say except that I've felt what you're feeling (except you phrase it much better) and I've cried a river because of it. We eventually found success, but it took 7 years. I never reconciled myself with the only child option and had no backup plan except to keep trying until we were refused treatment. I never had to stare in the face what you are having to - I hope you find some answers in 2007.
Posted by: Fiona at Jan 1, 2007 1:25:09 PM
Sucks to go through this at all, but I know the holidays put on so much added strain. My thoughts are with you.
Posted by: Jessica at Jan 1, 2007 1:27:11 PM
Oh Julie...(((((((o)))))))
Posted by: Kyla at Jan 1, 2007 1:46:13 PM
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Nothing like a holiday to reinforce just how miserable you are.
This all sucks, it really does. I truly wish you a happier 2007. There's got to be up's to go with these down's, sometime soon.
Posted by: Mete at Jan 1, 2007 1:51:38 PM
I could have written this post. I do so understand the fuzzy numb state you've been in. I drank and slept a lot at my parents' house over the holidays. In the last year I lost my one and only pregnancy and wasted thousands on IVF's. Now what? I get it Julie, and I'm sorry.
Posted by: Cat at Jan 1, 2007 2:37:20 PM
A heartfelt hug to you and a wish for peace and newfound joy in 2007.
Posted by: Carrie_in_TN at Jan 1, 2007 2:40:35 PM
Happy New Year,
I've read and enjoyed your very funny blog, and have noted:
1. You and your husband been through hell and back to have a child "from your own eggs" and succeeded under harrowing circumstances. He's a darling little boy.
2. I think it's great you're trying to give your son a bro or a sister- there are some positives to being an only child, but I believe they're outnumbered by the benefits of having a sibling. So you're trying IVF again, apparently against massive odds, not getting anywhere (hardly surprising, given your remarks about the medical history), and are once again on the Hell Express. I shudder to think what this is doing to you, your husband, your son, your marriage and your family. From your comments, it doesn't sound good, which has got to give you cause to pause. My sister, you gotta' protect what you've got- it's tough enough be be married and a Mom without signing on for the unbelievable stress you've tackled lately. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that question.
3. According to Dr. Jane Aronson, there are over 100 million children around this world that need a good family like yours - adoption will save a child's life. You're a fantastic Mom with lots of love to give- why does it have to be to another bio child? A friend of mine who almost DIED trying to have a child through IVF has two gorgeous adopted children and has never been happier. Check out Dr. Aronson's site: www.orphandoctor.com.
Think about it: why not move that formidable energy and determination of yours in a positive direction? It's painful to see how much you've been suffering.
I wish you the very best of luck in expanding your family, however you choose to do so.
Posted by: Kat at Jan 1, 2007 2:51:53 PM
Ugh Kat- get a life. Most people who've gone through IVF (including Julie) have looked at adoption a million times. Its an in intensely personal decision, not one to be browbeaten into.
Julie, sending hugs. The holidays are a weird mix- constantly grateful for what you have and yet wondering why its not quite enough.
As for SIL- ugh. I hate that "now you know what a PITA kids are" smugness.
Posted by: Leggy at Jan 1, 2007 3:01:02 PM
I'm so sorry. I sympathize. I want another more than anything, too, and it's just not in the cards. I don't know how people get over it.
I hope you find another way someday.
Posted by: Ingrid at Jan 1, 2007 3:12:19 PM
Julie you can tell your family. It's really important. You do NOT have to struggle through this grief by yourself. There will be those in the family that understand and those that don't. Lean on the ones who love you and bugger the rest of them. You don't need insensitive comments from SILs so tell them that you fully expect their support. Better yet get Hubby to tell them exactly what you expect and take a load off. Huge hugs.
Posted by: Anne at Jan 1, 2007 3:14:05 PM
Julie, I've never posted here before but I'm coming out of long-time lurk mode just to let you know that I am thinking of you.
And I've also delurked to make it known to whoever cares to read this that Kat's wonderful comment to you has royally pissed me off. Lay off, Kat. We can't presume to know if Julie's intentions are to pursue DE, adopt, or to put all of her "formidable energy and determination" towards Charlie. *Any* of those would would be "positive directions."
Don't you think that after all of this, Julie and anyone else in the Bad Place where she is deserves to let themselves give in to the pain that they feel sometimes?
My thoughts are with all of you - no matter where you are on the child-childless continuum.
Posted by: Kymberli at Jan 1, 2007 4:05:28 PM
Having spent the 23rd in the ER with a unbelievable messy 4th miscarriage (okay yes I get the message!) to then being a good soldier and spending the holiday with my husband's family (with long sleeves to conceal the bruises from the blood draws and IV punctures) I can sooo relate. Oh yeah then there was the fact that my MIL had converted all the old childhood tapes to DVD and we spent Christmas Eve watching my husband and his brothers from newborn to tyrant toddlers. Let just say - good will to all all was less than overflowing. I admit to coveting your joy with Charlie but I get it and wish you comfort and peace.
Posted by: hilary at Jan 1, 2007 4:23:40 PM
I'm sorry.
May 2007, please God, be better. Even if it's not clear how that could be.
Posted by: Jody at Jan 1, 2007 4:29:02 PM
Kat, I have no doubt you mean well. But the thing about pain is you have to experience it, feel it, and slog right through the middle of it before there's any possibility of channeling *anything* in a positive direction. Julie's said she knows she'll be in a good place again, but it's going to take her some time to get there. To be told to buck up and just adopt, which in essence is what you've done, is patently unhelpful at best and offensive at worst.
Julie, I have complete faith that you will get to a good place again, and look forward to reading about the journey. We're with you.
Posted by: Shelley at Jan 1, 2007 4:38:36 PM
Yes, Christmas somehow brings out both the bleakest and best feelings. I too am infertile, just starting our quest for #2, which I know will come to another long and scary IVF journey. I do not know if a second child will ever be for us, or how I'll feel about it if it never happens. But I do understand how you feel when you look at Charlie and love him so, and fear that you may never get the chance to love another child in that way. I wish you peace and healing, and an answer to your heart's longing, soon.
Posted by: kristylynne at Jan 1, 2007 4:42:11 PM
