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12/07/2006
The girl is crafty like ice is cold
Christmas is coming, and all over this great Christian land of ours, office radios normally tuned to lite rock are stuck for the duration on Mannheim Steamroller. Secretaries are breaking out their embellished sweaters. Wrapped but empty boxes proliferate under fake workplace fir trees. Amateurish decorations are being hung from between acoustic ceiling tiles with unbent paper clips. And in my reproductive endocrinologist's waiting room, we lucky patients catch our breath to behold the wonder of the Christmas vagina.
I'm not making this up. I walked in a couple of days ago for my first scan and there it was, big as life — bigger, and more frightening, actually — a paper snowflake vulva.
Some creative soul had been turned loose with the copy paper and a pair of scissors, and, in the course of producing a whole flotilla of cut-paper items intended to resemble snowflakes, rendered instead a gigantic, toothy, scary paper snatch, agape for all to enjoy.
Do join me in my reverential contemplation. Do not be afraid to genuflect; we are all people of faith here.
That receptionist's name is Barb. Please tell her hello. She's nice.
Anyway, staring at this clever kirigami cooch gave me an idea. Shouldn't all the clinic's snowflakes — and I use the term advisedly — be replaced with more occupationally appropriate facsimiles?
Obviously the answer is yes.
Now the easy part is done. The hard part begins when I try to convince Barb of the rightness of my cause. It may take some persuasion, but I'm confident I will prevail. With the unstoppable serrated power of the Christmas vagina behind me, how on Earth could I fail?
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I just wet myself....could you make a Depends snowflake for those of us with weak bladders?
Yeah... that was freaking hysterical. My side hurts.
And you--with paper and scissors--dangerous combo. Love it!
You're freaking brilliant.
oh. my. god.
Coming out of lurkdom... and yet there are no words.
Love 'em. They're awesome.
you are so freaking amazing.
I've said this before, but someone pays you to do this stuff, right? (I mean, not necessarily needles in snowflakes, but something that uses the same talents). 'Cause, if they don't, somebody is missing out bigtime on what could be a hugely lucrative set of intellectual property.
bj
OK you're freaking me out now. Just a little. But I kind of like it.
You never fail to please, HW.
Wow..those were so much better than the vagina with teeth. Damn. I love it.
Maybe you could slip Barb a mickey and hang them up before she comes to?
the sperm one is kind of pretty, I think
Can I buy the snowflake with the syringes?!?! That is simply the
Greatest. Snowflake. Ever.
Still laughing. I'm going to try to make one...
Oh - maybe we can all make some here:
http://www.popularfront.com/snowdays/
I think they even let you create links to your digital snowflake. I'd love to see their landscape covered with biohazard debris.
Damned impressive scissorwork!
OK, was that a Beastie Boys song reference? If so, I love you even more....
The scissorwork is very impressive. Especially since I can barely cut a square.
Oh wow!
Julie, I just spent a ful five minutes chortling and reading this aloud to my husand. You are so freakin' brilliant!
By the way- you don't need Barb's permission.. Oh no, this is far too holy a cause. Just walk in with your snowflake in your palm and pre-stickied with a wad or tape. Put your hand up causually to an empty bit of glass as you lean in to ask a question and viola! Snowflack a 'la IVF!
You should totally do a tree for your RE's office. More snowflakes, some peestick and used-sharps-themed dangling icicles, with maybe a sweet, fuzzy stuffed bunny at the top, with Xs for eyes. A little RE-car (Porsche?) could zoom around a track underneath, in lieu of a model train. Perhaps empty, trial-sized bottles of Excedrin with the warning on the label sarcastically circled, and wee Barbie-sized straight jackets, and artfully-folded hundred-dollar bills could round out the ornamentation. I dare ya!
I am so printing this out.
I'd be lauding your mad scissor skillz if it weren't for the fact that I've had to climb out of my warm bed & change my fucking underwear because I laughed just that hard. Why Julie? Why?
Let us know if we need to send Beth our Christmas wishes to incent her to go with the, er, flow?
Sorry, don't know what happened to my "oulder."
And, to top it off -- the scary snowflake snatch reminds me of the much publicized Britney-Spears-Without-Panties-Photos!!!!! OMG. :-O
Your talents are unlimited! :-D
Do please put the 'snowflakes' up in your RE's office! I'm sure they would be welcomed by all patients and staff!
Oh my! Such talent... :-)
Fantastic!
That is AWESOME! Truly made my day.
You have got MAD scissor skills, woman. The snowflakes are oddly pretty, somewhat disturbing, and downright hilarious. I can't imagine any clinic worth its dildo-cam refusing to hang them.
Daaammmnnn, woman. You have got some serious chops with those scissors. (ha?) (no.) (at least you are very funny, witty and bright.)
I knew you were crafty...I knew you were talented...but this...this...wow! Absolutely amazing(ly funny). I am nearly speechless in the face of your wit and creativity.
those snowflakes have just made my day! You are an amazing, funny and crafty lady. How do you find the time with a 2 year old?
Um. You're my hero of pretty much everything now.
I did not believe it was possible to me more in awe of your talent than I already was, but now my awe is in awe of your awesomeness.
Your brilliance knows no bounds.
you just TOTALLY made my day. ;)
I was going to leave a comment, but I don't seem to have the words. um - Ha!
Two words: vaginal dentata.
(I'm not 100% sure I spelled that correctly, and I'm not googling it at work)
I knew I loved you...but just how many hours wielding scissors did that take you? I am eternally in awe!
Wow. You are a wizard with the scissors.
Suddenly all my Christmas decorations look so very very sad...
You're sending them to the RE, right?
I am in awestruck admiration and very nearly also wet knickers.
If I haven't said so before: my god, I'm glad you blog.
Those snowflakes are just awesome :)
LOVE THEM!!!
I would buy a set for my tree!
You have SO got to put those up at the clinic. Sneakily, mind, so that nice Barb (why does she have to have a painful name?) takes the flak if anybody takes offense. Maybe she just didn't realise about the vulva... Can she really work where she works and NOT realise though?
Oh My woman you are AMAZING!!! I love you!
Those snowflakes rock.
The snowflake vagina scares me.
Those are absolutely hilarious!
You have no idea how much I needed this today. Esp. because that Vagina D word Sarah used up above is one of the usernames of one of the nastiest pro-life trolls in the blogosphere.
And you all have just totally changed that word for me, and made me howl with laughter!
And this is why I love your blog. (Among many other reasons.) SO FUNNY.
Who knew you were so talented with a ream of paper and a pair of scissors? Awesome.
Hi Barb! *waving*
You have made my day. Thanks!
I bow to your greatness. When will you be appearing on Martha Stewart? You could teach that woman a thing or two.