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01/27/2007
The blame game
Charlie has acquired henchmen. That's the only term that really fits the large network of useful stooges he's painstakingly built over the last couple of months. To a one they are brave, loyal, and ready to take the fall for him. And, as it happens, inanimate.
It's not that Charlie thinks plain, unflavored milk — which we have taught him to call Milk Classic — is boring. No, that's Godzilla's problem. Charlie's just reporting. "Godzilla would like some chocolate milk," he confides, poking me with his hard plastic action figure as I'm making him a snack. And then, adopting the higher-pitched voice he uses when he's imitating me, "That's a good idea." Yeah, get Godzilla a MacArthur grant. That monster's a goddamn genius.
And it's not Charlie gleefully wrecking things just for the manly rush of it. It's that bloodthirsty stuffed sonofabitch Babar. Babar, I am told, "wants to knock down a tower." Then Charlie, as part of a minuscule but sincere coalition of the willing, helps Babar over to the newly built foam block citadel, takes Babar's hand — if indeed that is the correct word for the featureless stump protruding from his emerald green velveteen sleeve — and assists him in an act of destruction so staggering that never again will the French be called peanut-eating surrender elephants.
It is Snoopy who needs a diaper change. Sock monkey who "wants to put on boots and coat and mittens and go outside inna dark at nighttime yes." Bert who wants to read the 2003 Fine Cooking holiday baking issue. (I can't really blame him for that. Would you want to get roughed up for failing to pay proper tribute to Cookie Monster?) And it's evil Bendy who is really fucking sick of listening to Steely Dan's Aja every time he gets in the car so could he please listen to something else? And, no, he does not mean Can't Buy a Thrill. Jesus, he'd almost be tempted to believe you'd never heard of a little thing called Kindermusik.
I find this development more than a little troubling. As yet, Charlie shows no inclination to finger his accomplices for his own misbehavior. It'll happen, though, as soon as it occurs to him that Babar, having no discernible mouth, can't rat him out; Godzilla leaves no fingerprints; and evil Bendy, possessing neither eternal soul in mortal jeopardy nor anything resembling court-admissible DNA, is the perfect plastic patsy. And then maybe, if Charlie can keep his own trap shut, he'll get off completely scot-free.
But, listen, don't get cocky, son. Judith Regan and Rupert Murdoch eat kids like you for breakfast.
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Charlie better stay FAR away from me. He is so cute I may just eat him. And then blame Snoopy.
Clearly you'll be well within your rights when you shoot back with, "Charlie, Santa Claus wants you to clean up Babar's mess - OR ELSE!"
You better be nice to Charlie's henchmen. They've been known to turn on parents before. My daughter had a Big Bird doll that played Peek-A-Boo and could talk. One quiet evening while I was home alone, I walked unsuspecting into my daughter's room and turned on the light. Out of the silence came a gravelly, scary voice that called out, "PEEK-A-BOO!". I almost shit myself. Big Bird got vanquished to the hall closet (minus one battery) and when my sister found him and admired him one day, I sent him packing to Phoenix. Every once in awhile, I still peek over my shoulder though, just to make sure he hasn't come back.
Julie, I've been meaning to leave you a comment on the sadness post for a while, but only just realised that you've closed it, and I understand why. I hope you won't mind if I write here, so long as I stick to the brief and don't offer any assvice.
I've just awoken from a very strange dream where all I can remember is that I wanted both babies. They were going to be born 8 months apart, and I wanted them both. I think it was about the baby that would have been born this week had I not had a miscarriage in June, plus the potential new life I'm carrying right now, and my terror of losing this just like I've done twice in the last eight months.
I guess the point is, you asked what keeps us going, what we want. What I want is to be a mother. I've always wanted to be a mother, my whole life I've looked after other people's children. I have six gddaughters, so other people recognise that urge in me, too. And I've been given these little chances to be a mother, and then they've been taken away. And I'm going to fight to get them back for as long as my biology gives me even the slightest chance of succeeding.
I've always been anti only-children because I've seen how alone only children can be as adults. It's a lot of responsibility to put on someone. I don't think the problem is that only children are lonely or hard to parent, I've seen that you can parent only children so they don't feel lonely or get overwhelmed by parental expectations. But I don't want to leave my child with no one who remembers their childhood, what it was like having my husband and I for parents. Of course at this point that looks vanishingly unlikey, but I want it nonetheless.
Adoption is definitely an option for us, but it's very very hard to adopt in the UK so we have to be done with treatment and work through a lot of issues about adopting older children who've had a tough time already, or pushing through a lot of official disapproval and red tap to adopt from abroad. We're not there yet.
So I think I want this because I've always wanted it. I'm responding to a biolgical imperative which is no less powerful because I know that it's biology and not some higher calling.
I can only imagine how hard it is to love Charlie this much (and he is totally edible, love that hairstyle!) and feel that you might not get the chance to do this again, to love someone else this much. I hope that you find a way to get this chance, all three of you together.
(pls feel free to delete this if you've had enough of these comments!)
Julie, I love it when you write about Charlie! Keep up the good work and best of luck with everything.
He's so bright! Having such a lively imagination at just 2 is really pretty rare.
Cannot post on this matter. Am going to be forever stuck on:
"It's that bloodthirsty stuffed sonofabitch Babar."
Hacked up a lung over that. Must attended to putting lung back where it belongs.
(And holy crap that Charlie is freaking adorable!)
My Gods, is Charlie a beautiful little boy. If you ever had one of those moments where you were thinking "Can he really be this cute? it must just be the mommy genes talking"...no, he really is THAT cute.
He is also incredibly smart and creative, just like his mom. As long as he doesn't blame everything on his imaginary friend and then drown him in the lake. (that was my BIL, and yes, he is f#$cked up)
Soooo, I guess the "Not me" villian hasn't come to your house yet. "Not Me" is infamous in this house, and will be sentenced to life if I could just find him.
My kids like to blame everything on the Bionicles, which of course, necessitates an arrest, a trial, and punishment, usually involving bloodthirsty disassembly all set to theme music downloaded from the lego website.
Anything to avoid chores...
(Hey Gina we have the same evil Peek-a-Boo Big Bird doll. I had so many moments when I jumped in terror as the light hit the sensor and a disembodied voice spoke. I finally stuffed ours behind the furnace, under some insulation, but Phoenix sounds even better. Hmmm...)
Man, your kid? He is very verbally advanced, no joke. I love the things he says, reminds me a lot of my funny and cute little girl.
Hmm…Charlie is onto something. Wouldn’t it be great to interpose a clever equivalent into our adult lives? Hell, I could blame the Tickle-Me-Elmo for eating the last of the double fudge brownies or watch with sadistic enthusiasm as the weight goes straight to Malibu Barbie’s thighs. Brilliant. Charlie is pure genius.
heehee henchmen.
Milk classic? Bwhahaha
Please tell me that you are better at this game, than Charlie.
Gotta love that Charlie. I absolutely love it when you quote him...I can almost hear his sweet little voice blaming things on his henchies. :)
Charlie's language use and imagination are hilarious, and wonderful. Especially for somebody who is just two years old, I think, by adjusted age. He is months ahead of what our 30-weekers could say at that age. And his imagination and playfulness are unique, and terrific.
Thank you so much for sharing these stories. I hope you are capturing a lot of the cuteness on video!
So are you and Paul blaming Mr. Bendy for not taking out the garbage, and saying that Snoopy wants ice cream for dessert? I imagine it's quite contagious.
Ha ha. I knew that sock monkey was a bad apple.
I just got done reading this months New Yorker. Now I feel like I was wasting time because this post was just waiting to be read.
Hilarious!
Sweet fancy Moses, is that a gorgeous child. Also devious, of course. But so gorgeous. Lurve the book cover. Back to lurking.
What a face! And a brain to go with it. Charlie has a bright creative future ahead of him, let's hope you and Paul can stay one step ahead!
We've got a panda named "Mimi" over here who turns on the hot water in the tub when no one's looking. She wanted to know if you guys had an opening for a henchpanda, as it sounds like Charlie's "Ocean's Eleven" is a heck of a lot more fun than our stodgy house.
Julie, your Charlie posts are absolutely delicious.
Egad! Such cuteness! Such a large vocabulary! Such delegation skills! He sure is a smart boy.
Is he ever cute! Has he had a haircut yet or does it just grow like that? Very sweet.
Sounds like he's having a hard time communicating... Makes me wonder if he uses these tactings with everyone or just you.
I'll delurk on this one...
I also am the parent to a toddler 2.0. Mine insists that it is facy Curious George's ear that is owee, Elmo that wants the cookies and Steve the Cat is charge of all toilet flushing activities.
That Charlie is a cutie!
so funny!!!
Hey, anon ... um, a two-year-old speaking in complete sentences and using a different pitch to imitate his mommy is "having a hard time communicating"?
Um, huh. Not sure I agree with you there.
Milk Classic--love it! My kids call it "authentic cow's milk".
Around here, we hear quite a bit of "But my heart is telling me to sing that song [that is driving you crazy] over and over again [even though you've asked me at leasta dozen times to please be quiet]." Hard to argue with that one (but I do!).
"Shoshanna, who threw your crayons on the floor?"
"Daddy." (Never mind that daddy's at work.)
"Shoshanna, who dumped your food on the floor?"
"Baby." (Never mind that "Baby" is an inanimate object and not even in the room.)
At least he's getting sick of YOUR music in the car... if I have to listen to Shirim Al Galgalim one more time, I'm going to go postal. But then she says "I listen my tape, peeze" and I relent every goddamn time.
Yeah, I roll over for "Want to listen to Bendy's music" every time, too.
You're not still concerned over his development, right? No, seriously... cuz... I'm no doctor, but I really think you have nothing to worry about.
~C~
Cheese-eating surrender monkeys? There's a wikipedia page for everything!
One of the classic criteria for determining whether or not a child is considered "gifted" is imaginary friends. Having more than one of these special friends is a sign of above-average intelligence. So while dealing with these henchmen might be a bit of a pain in the ass, pat yourself on the back for having such a little smarty-pants. (This was written tongue in cheek. Tone, in comments I've found, can be difficult to communicate.)
In our house, it's either deny, deny, deny, or the kitties are blamed. At least you have some variety.
oh man I can't wait until WeeOne has henchmen! His Tigger has potential and his Pablo & Uniqua from the Backyardigans have always looked dangerous to me.
Oh my. Charlie has inherited your fiendish wit. You're both fantastic.
Have always been a lurker (don't you hate those) Charlie is adorable! I have a 7 year old myself- and have ttc now for 4 years-- I need to thank others for sending me to this site-- You give me hope that one day i will conceive again- Or we will adopt.
Have you read this
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Sleepy-Will-Charlie-Lola/dp/1841210781/sr=8-1/qid=1170139665/ref=sr_1_1/202-0484494-2534250?ie=UTF8&s=books
with Charlie?
Sounds like Charlie has a Lola-like imagination.
My nephew will put his stuffed animals in time out. The first time my sister saw it happen, she was absolutely amazed...and now, he makes them misbehave first to 'deserve it.' He once set up some toys on the arm of the couch, then used the stuffed bear to knock them over, then put him in time out for knocking over the toys. At which point he got a lecture from my sister for 'setting that bear up,' playfully, of course.
If I didn't already have enough affection for you, now I find you're a Steely Dan fan too!
Oh, that is too deliciously devios. My D. likes to assign motives to her body parts. *She* doesn't want more cherries, her "teefes" do. *She* doesn't want the red shoes, her toes do. It's quite funny when she comes up with interesting body parts, like how her belly button wants bubble bath, and her nose wants to go the zoo so it can "squisht up" when she sees the "effalunz."
Yes...if you hadn't gathered it, I'm a sucker for her babytalk and mourn it just a little when she completely masters a word.
Is that a picture of your son ? How can you not eat him ? He is gorgeous.
Bonne soirée