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03/07/2007
Weekend in New England
There is a lot to be said about the weekend, and I'm not sure where I should start. I took notes during the whole weekend, not notes on the agency's policies or practices, but on issues I wanted to explore more in my own mind. But as I look over my list, the problem becomes clear. It's not my mind that needs changing about adoption — because in our case, what could be more obvious? — but my heart. And at the moment, after 36 hours of immersion, my heart is feeling decidedly fatigued. Maybe this anecdote will tell you something about the emotional climate I found myself in over two uncomfortable days. Ready?
Meals were served at large communal tables in the dining room of a down-at-heels country inn. Naturally this made for any number of easy, freewheeling, congenial conversations. "No, no, don't tell me. Let me guess. Male factor? Oh, I just knew it." "How strange that your shower was cold — we had plenty of hot water this morning, and a son at home." "So! What brings you here? Six failed IVF cycles and the most depressing decade of your life? Well, hey, what do you know about that! We're utterly crippled by grief and feelings of inadequacy, too!"
At every meal and every break, I talked too much and made too many jokes, made manic by a discomfort I couldn't seem to shake. On Saturday night, most of the others skipped dessert and left dinner early, so Paul and I found ourselves marooned alone at the end of a long table. At the other end of the table, a couple sat talking with the agency's birth mother panelist over coffee.
Feeling conspicuous and kind of lonesome, I impulsively dragged Paul over to join the others. As I was sitting down, the woman was saying, "And we had all these early losses, which were really hard. And then...[deep breath]...we lost our son." The man reached over and silently squeezed her shoulder.
Never let it be said that my timing is anything short of impeccable.
Because Paul was waiting for his dessert to be served, we couldn't even quickly bolt our coffee, look at our watches ostentatiously, yodel, "My, would you look at the time?" and make a hasty exit. No, we sat there for twenty of the most excruciating minutes of my life while the couple and the birth mother continued their conversation as if we hadn't ineptly barged right into it, as if we weren't even there. Believe me, I wished I weren't.
The whole weekend was like that. I felt myself buffetted by other people's emotions when I'm not even sure of my own. It wasn't just the prospective adoptive parents, either. Every panelist who spoke — the birth mother, the new adoptive parents, the adult adoptees, the adoptive parents of many years' standing — ended up in tears. I told one of the agency personnel that that surprised me. "I must have told that story fifty times," she said, at a loss to explain her own tears, "but I guess that's why we call that program 'Lifelong Issues in Adoption.'"
I cried, too, of course. But then I'm easy that way. It is no particular feat to make me weepy when you tell me about your son waking in the night crying, asking, "Is my birth mother okay?" and having to answer, "I don't know."
I leaked like a fucking faucet all weekend. Mostly that was okay. The only time I hated myself for it was during the ten-minute video presenting the theoretical thoughts of an unborn soon-to-be-adopted baby: "Don't be surprised when I'm four and I won't come out of my Spider-Man sleeping bag. It's warm and quiet and safe in there. I wish you could have given birth to me." Yeah, kiddo, so do I. But then I'm easy that way.
Posted by Julie at 02:31 PM in Why don't you just adopt? | Permalink
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Comments (86)
Julie. Wow. Mind-blowing weekend. I'm sad for everybody's crying, though I'm sure some of it is attached to new hope. I hope the coming weeks bring clarity and results. I'm sorry this road has been so difficult. All my best, Joanne
Posted by: joanne at Mar 7, 2007 2:46:46 PM
Joanne said it well. Ditto and thinking of you. Pink
Posted by: PinkPoppies at Mar 7, 2007 2:51:04 PM
I'm so sorry that it was such a difficult weekend. As Joanne said, I hope the introspective leads somewhere good.
Posted by: pink at Mar 7, 2007 2:51:52 PM
How odd, two pinks in a row. And now I'm back, just to say, thanks for putting Barry in my head. At least it's not the song about his dog.
Posted by: pink at Mar 7, 2007 2:55:16 PM
I'm sorry it was such a rough weekend. Did it seem to you like you still have some grieving to do before moving any further down this path? I hope the coming weeks bring you some clarity and comfort in the process.
(I would feel some trepidation about being amongst a group who skipped dessert, though. Ain't nothing right about that.)
Posted by: Jen at Mar 7, 2007 2:56:58 PM
It sounds like it was very draining....and not just bodily fluids. I hope it helped in some way.
Posted by: JennyK at Mar 7, 2007 2:58:55 PM
Was there any JOY to the weekend? Joy at being able to offer a warm and loving home to a child that otherwise would suffer?
I do offer sympathy that the weekend was so emotionally draining for everyone. I can't even begin to imagine how the process gets inside you and wreaks havoc on your head and heart.
But I do hope that you are embarking on this adventure with open arms, open mind, and an open heart because it sure seems like you have a lot of love to give.
By the way, it seems wrong to play such a video of what an unborn child might say or be thinking when your emotions are already raw and at the breaking point. What the hell was the point of that?
Posted by: Melissa at Mar 7, 2007 3:18:29 PM
Julie,
Did anything positive happen this weekend?? I feel so awful for what you are having to go through. I wish I had something witty and insightful that could make you feel better, but I don't. I'm sure that not every adoption experience is as frought with woe as it was seemingly presented this weekend. I'm sure everyone who reads this blog will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Sheri at Mar 7, 2007 3:21:38 PM
Just going to throw out a thought -- maybe this isn't the agency for you? After the introductory "weekend" with our agency I felt very hopeful and encouraged. Granted, adoption is not for the faint-hearted, but there are many, many positive aspects of adoption.
On the other hand, you might need time to process the situation and grieve leaving the possibility of a [second] biological child behind before the hopefulness of the situation can take over. In any case, I do hope it becomes more clear very soon.
Posted by: MichelleL at Mar 7, 2007 3:26:27 PM
I am FAMOUS for that damn timing issue too. I've been that cringing person thinking "More awkward if I leave, or more awkward if I stay? Because NOT awkward is not an option here."
I'm, just... I can't say I'm sorry because I am happy for you that you're exploring your next step, and that you seem to be going into it with great thoughtfulness. But it sucks to be sad and hard to be so emotionally raw.
Posted by: AmyinMotown at Mar 7, 2007 3:28:59 PM
I'm so sorry it was a tough weekend, Julie. I hope with time and distance to absorb it and sort it all out you can do what feels best to you and Paul.
Posted by: CharmingDriver at Mar 7, 2007 3:33:10 PM
Whoa, that sounds like an intense weekend. An emotional weekend in an inn with crying people sounds like a John Irving novel, no? Kudos for having gone and survived, awkwardly or not!
Posted by: Erica at Mar 7, 2007 3:34:32 PM
I'm all teary eyed over here from that last paragraph. There's nothing I hope more than hoping that the next weeks and months bring you peace with your decision.
Posted by: Brandee at Mar 7, 2007 3:45:46 PM
Sounds like it was a rough time this weekend. I just wanted to chime in with some purely anecdotal evidence that adoption can end up completing a fairly angst-free family. My sister is now 22, and I think she would say that being adopted bothers her once every decade or so, when she hits a rough patch in another arena of her life. She knows she belongs in our family just as much as I do, she just arrived there by slightly different means. And I think my parents would say that they rarely think about her being adopted, except when she became super-curvy during puberty and my flat-chested mom and I weren't quite sure what to do.
Incidentally, the story of how we got her (drove three hours to Columbus in a snowstorm, for starters) is just as much a part of our favorite family stories as that of my birth.
I know that she's just one person, and of course when she has her own children some previously unexplored issues may come up, but I just wanted to tell you that it's possible to gain a lot from adoption on the love side and not carry much from the pain side. I hope that if you choose to adopt it works out for you like that.
Posted by: Carolyn at Mar 7, 2007 4:01:45 PM
My heart goes out to your family. It sounds exhausting.
As I read over the other comments, I wondered if that kind of emotional overload is part of a larger design - that a family has to purge and cry and examine everything that comes out before they can be prepared to have an open heart to adoption.
Or like any other 'intro' class, the goal (with the most gentle thoughts for everyone's future) is to kick everyone in the emotional nuts and weed the class down by 3/4ths.
Most people will say, 'hey, that isn't for me', and go about their business not having gone though a long, drawn out process before coming to that conclusion.
And while everyone probably crawls away weeping, the ones who return for Emotional Nut Kicking 102 are probably the ones who will learn to thrive in that arena.
Posted by: anne nahm at Mar 7, 2007 4:03:12 PM
I hope there was some "good stuff". Some happy moments? That all sounds pretty intense, and more like the required adoption training than like an "introductory session". Gads. I mean, it's all true, and some moments are like that, but lordy lordy, most of the time it's snuggles on the sofa and silly games just before bedtime and learning to walk and first ballet lessons and signing up for soccer and talking to the teacher about the (gasp!) kiss in the corner of the preschool room. The "I came out of your tummy, right, Mommy?" moments are not every moment of every day, trust me!
Posted by: OmegaMom at Mar 7, 2007 4:05:26 PM
Melissa wrote, "Joy at being able to offer a warm and loving home to a child that otherwise would suffer?"
The child otherwise suffering is not a given.
Posted by: magicpointeshoe at Mar 7, 2007 4:10:28 PM
I'm so sorry the weekend was so hard.
Posted by: Beth at Mar 7, 2007 4:10:34 PM
No one cries alone around me either.
No sarcasm today, just hope.
Kathleen
Posted by: Kathleen at Mar 7, 2007 4:15:12 PM
It's taken a long, long, LONG time to finally open my heart fully to adoption. Hubby still has his moments of doubt, yet he is still committed to this path. We have alot to learn before filing any paperwork, and I don't know if our infertility grief will ever truly be gone/healed. However, I do know that the grief will be edged out by the love we'll share for our child.
You're in the beginning stages of this process. Take it slow, and be kind to yourself.
Posted by: Natalee at Mar 7, 2007 4:21:46 PM
Our daughter is almost 18, she has 2 older sisters whom I "birthed". I promise you adoption is only an issue if you or others that are around you are allowed to make it an issue. She is ours, come hell or high water. There are people who adopt a child and that's all they want to talk about to the child,because I think they think the child wants that. They don't, they want to be a child in a family like any other family. It's possible to talk something to death.
I understand your heart being in it tho. If your heart is not there, you don't need to adopt. You've GOT to know, that you will love that child as though you gave birth to it, and your DNA in in that child. As though you were my very own. In every sence of the word.
Posted by: D at Mar 7, 2007 4:39:50 PM
Adoption has touched my entire life. I was given up for adoption and taken back by my birth mother at 3 months. My younger brother was given up at birth and stayed adopted. I wish there were someone who could come along and tell you the story that you needed to hear so you could get it all sorted out in your head. Unfortunately, that story hasn't been written yet.
There are so many facets to the issue, and so many good/bad things about it. It's a commitment not readily reversable that will impact the lives of you and everyone that loves you. And you'll never know whether its right for you, maybe even long after you decide to go through with it. But then, the same thing can be said of marriage. Or getting a tattoo, for that matter.
Best of luck with this as it rolls around in your head (and I don't mean that to be sarcastic or ironic in anyway). My wish for you is that, whatever you finally decide, you can find a way to be as sure about this as you can ever be about anything. That might be the best you can hope for, regardless of your decision.
Now... about that tattoo....
~C~
~C~
Posted by: Catharine at Mar 7, 2007 4:42:31 PM
Dang, and I thought my blogged weekend (the weekend before this past one) was rough. It involved evidence of actual human use of the BeDazzler. (Shocking but true!) And a hangover, to boot. Your weekend trip wins for emotional turmoil, though.
I hope the toughest part of your familial journey is behind you now, Julie.
Posted by: Orange at Mar 7, 2007 4:46:16 PM
Wow, that sounds tough and not at all like what I was picturing.
You are getting a lot of comments trying to reassure you that adoption "isn't an issue" or won't be a problem. I respectfully submit that this is like the woman who gives birth in 4 hours assuring you that your birth experience will be quick and easy. Births aren't all alike, and neither are adoptions.
You are approaching this mindfully, and that's what's important. Good luck!
Posted by: Denise at Mar 7, 2007 4:49:15 PM
I am adopted and I never woke up in the middle of the night asking if my birth mother was okay. I never told my mother I wish she would have given birth to me. I now know my birth mother and she is one of my best friends. I have known her for a year and a half. I love both my moms. I do not call my birth mom, mom. I don't know why but I felt compelled to tell you these things. I am so grateful to my birth mom and to my mom. They both had the courage to give me what I needed. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Posted by: Stacy Roberts at Mar 7, 2007 5:18:04 PM
I do think it may be naive to suggest that all adoptions go entirely smoothly. After all, every family is different and has it's own issues.
On the other hand, I also think that much of the social work community involved in adoption does a horrible job of painting a very negative picture and failing to adequately describe the positives.
I don't know how you made it through a whole weekend. I had a one-day program, and it was horribly draining. At the same time, I knew that a lot of the things being presented were just not accurate. I didn't think the people running the program were the best, or the brightest, or the most insightful, by a long shot. You know how reporter's get criticized for reporting only the "bad" news? Well, I think that the social workers who are trained to work with adoptive families, are trained to anticipate issues when there might not be any, and to interpret every "issue" that arises in a child's life as an adoption issue, when it probably isn't.
If you are seriously considering adoption, I'd recommend talking to other adoptive parents and other adult adoptees for a more balanced view. My own research has led me to conclude, like another person remarked, that many adoptees consider it an issue "oh, about once a decade."
I happily pursuing an adoption now, but I am also very down on the social worker community. Would love to hear if other people have had experiences as negative as mine.
Posted by: Andrea at Mar 7, 2007 6:02:00 PM
Julie, i sympathize. I was the one wiping my nose on my sleeve in the back row of every adoption seminar we attended. I keep wondering, why do I turn into a useless blob whenever I approach this topic! It should be a happpy thing, right? There is something about thinking about another person's hurt that can be helped by you while you help your own hurt... The coming together of separate tragedies to build love... Gak, its getting me again!
Posted by: Lise at Mar 7, 2007 6:02:36 PM
Thanks for reporting back on your weekend. I was eager to hear your thoughts...Wow, it sounds like an incredibly draining weekend. A one day seminar was enough for me :-) Can't imagine an entire weekend like that....Keep writing on the topic!
Posted by: Louise at Mar 7, 2007 6:42:57 PM
magicpointshoe - I knew someone would pick up on my choice of words which, admittedly, probably weren't the best.
I guess what I meant is that people usually give up kids for adoption for a reason. Whatever the reason, they were not able to successfully raise the child themselves. They gave up their child in the hopes that the child would have a better life than the one they could offer.
That is all I meant and I apologize if offense was taken.
Posted by: Melissa at Mar 7, 2007 6:51:21 PM
We adopted about three years ago after one birth son and some failed IVFs. (DS was IVF too.) It occurs to me that for a long time people thought it was taboo to talk about adoption, or the possible negatives of adoption, and like so many wrong things that get corrected, it was then over-corrected so that all the professionals talk about are the possible negatives in the interest of full disclosure. Our daughter was born in Korea and there's an anthology of writings on int'l adoption that are pretty gloomy and you read them and think, oh my god my daughter is going to grow up and hate me for ripping her from her birth country! But I've come to know several Korean adoptees and NONE of them hate their parents! They're all happy people for whom adoption is no big deal. So maybe my daughter will hate me but maybe it'll have nothing to do with her adoption.
I think too that the emphasis on full disclosure of things has helped in many ways. My daughter is 3 (going on 36) and she asks me the name of her birth mother, and recently when I told her she lived in her birth mother's tummy she laughed and said, that's odd! To her being adopted will be no big deal (I hope) because we've always talked about it to her openly and she knows tons of adopted kids. And you know, when I look at her I think she's hilarious and gorgeous and so much fun to be around, and I never think about all the negative stuff people talk about. I love her every bit as much as I love my son and I'm so happy she's part of our family. Which is of course not intended to influence you one way or another -- totally open mind here.
Posted by: JulieToo at Mar 7, 2007 7:33:55 PM
Oh Julie, I am sorry that this weekend had you in tears. I think that the agencies theat do seminars like this are actually good because you get all sides of the Triad talking about the experience, not just the happy version of it. Kent was adopted from the foster care system, and we went through hell to finally adopt him, so just remember that your road my be long and wind many times, but at the end of it will be your Son!!!
Posted by: Rebel at Mar 7, 2007 7:50:05 PM
Or Daughter... or Pupil and Iris-less Child.. as the case may be!!! LOL :oP~~~~~
Posted by: Rebel at Mar 7, 2007 7:52:43 PM
Sometimes making a choice -- any choice -- and following through with absolute commitment makes it the right choice.
Posted by: Virginia at Mar 7, 2007 7:59:07 PM
Hunh. I thought the agency we work with painted a rather sunny and oversimplified picture of the many advantages of open adoption, which is what they do, in our 1.5 day intro. session.
Sounds like yours may have gone to the other extreme?
I hope you are able to reach a decision that is right for you.
Posted by: Alex at Mar 7, 2007 8:21:04 PM
One thing that contributed to the weirdness was the assumption (among most of the staff and virtually all of the other prospectives) that no one coming to learn about adoption would already have a kid. So we listened to the stories of people who had never diapered an infant before, never gone through visiting a baby in NICU, never watched a baby developing a sense of humor, and kept our mouths firmly shut. I exchanged fond stories with several other cat-owners, but not a word about that other creature who makes the cat's life so interesting.
Usually the fact that we have a toddler is among the first things strangers learn about us, either by observation or by some tactlessly-dropped comment. But not this time.
Posted by: paul at Mar 7, 2007 8:22:03 PM
I'm sorry the weekend was so hard, and I hope you get some clarity eventually. It's painful to watch you suffer and tempting to offer easy answers that suggest a particular choice or option. I have to say that your empathy and concern for all the parties involved in adoption aren't going to make things any easier for you. Oh, and that I have tremenduous respect for that empathy and concern.
Posted by: Emmie (Better Make It A Double) at Mar 7, 2007 8:22:45 PM
I think that if I had been brought to a weekend that discussed fertility in all it's gut wrenching glory, I would have left and promptly bought a litter of puppies to humanize. I still see the round eyed horror of a first timer that came to our fertility support group as we heartily discussed our latest surgury/letdown/tragedy/waiting period/overall fuckiness of our situation. You, my fair lady, have been through it all. This is just a different all. I think you are great.
Posted by: jbeeky at Mar 7, 2007 8:56:51 PM
i'm not sure what to say, but i agree with the poster who said sometimes you just have to make a choice and then go with it.
i'm not sure that was helpful, but thanks for sharing your story about the weekend.
Posted by: laura at Mar 7, 2007 9:07:49 PM
I wrote a big comment that came out completely wrong. I can't figure out how to fix it, so I am going to go have a good stiff drink in your honor and think thoughts of solidarity.
Posted by: Slim at Mar 7, 2007 9:10:40 PM
Sorry the weekend was so stressful. Hope you and Paul at least got some enlightenment from the process. Whatever your decision you know that all us internets will be here to love and support you.
Posted by: winecat at Mar 7, 2007 9:31:38 PM
Adoption is not easy. It has been wonderful for me but not easy.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Posted by: baggage at Mar 7, 2007 10:07:47 PM
I'm not going to comment on how you should be feeling (like I'd know??)....but maybe you sort of got stuck in a group- think mentality this weekend (?)
The folks putting this event together chose the speakers, the accomodations, the food, and the subject matter.
Where were the typical families that have adopted and loved it? Probably out playing in the park--not at some retreat! Where are the birth mothers that were comfortable with their decision? Probably not at the retreat!
Just a different point of view here.
I have faith that you and Paul will do what is exactly right for your family.
May you have peace, Julie
Posted by: Tammy at Mar 7, 2007 10:13:05 PM
what Paul said - about not mentioning Charlie - I mean, I am sure there were other couples with kids at home - that must have added a layer of - it feeling surreal? or something. exploring options is hard. doing it with a bunch of people you don't know is really hard. and perhaps not such a warm & fuzzy bunch. you'll get there & figure this out - just maybe on your & Paul & Charlies schedule. sorry is sucked.
Posted by: jb at Mar 7, 2007 10:16:15 PM
Our little family was created from the maelstorm of tragedy. My birth mother was raped and my husband survived 6 years of devastating cancer treatment that left him scarred and sterile and our little girls were left in the street in China one spring day but on Christmas morning we laugh over our coffee and our beautiful, talented and loving children open gifts and hug each other and us and the joy seems almost unbearable.
Posted by: lorrie at Mar 7, 2007 11:05:59 PM
De-lurking for this... I have to say, one of my best friends had a very similar experience with their private new england adoption retreat weekend. Never during the weekend did it seem like there was a positive message about adoption. Is this scare tactic typical of all introductions to adoptions? Welcome to this world - too bad for you that you are here - it's going to be horrible no matter what you do - come, meet all the victims. I truly hope with time you can gain some perspective. I hope you can meet some who are in a very different (more positive) place with their adoption experiences. You have such heart and wit - please do write a book in a few years, when you are on the other side. I am sorry this was so heart-wrenching.
Posted by: tree town gal at Mar 7, 2007 11:52:06 PM
I have to say you lost me with the spiderman sleeping bag. Was adoption presented as nonstop tragedy at this conference?
Sorry it was so weepy. I look forward to hearing about the things you want to think about more.
Posted by: shannon at Mar 8, 2007 12:05:49 AM
Julie, have you ever read The Kid by Dan Savage? He starts by writing about the adoption workshop he and his partner had to attend before adopting. I think his sense of humor would appeal to you.
Posted by: Naomi at Mar 8, 2007 12:26:30 AM
I am a social worker, and used to place children for adoption out of foster care. We did work very carefully to talk about the challenges of adopting these older, traumatized kids, to weed out the folks who thought that all they needed was love.
But adoption is different for every family, just like any other way you get a child. DH was adopted, and now has contact with his birth mom, and really is issue free about the whole thing. His birth mom is a genuinely happy person who has told him his life would have been so hard if she'd kept him. He's had no crying at night wondering if she was safe, that I know of :), and has always known it as part of his life.
I think we adults overthink some of this. I have a friend whose ten year old daughter was carried in a surrogate pregnancy by my friend's sister, who was diabetic. Sophia seems to give about ten seconds worth of thought about the fact she was born from her Aunt's tummy.
And perhaps the people that end up on these adoption panels are by definition those for who adoption is a defining issue.
Posted by: Sara at Mar 8, 2007 1:50:50 AM
Julie,
I'm sorry that your weekend turned out to be an emotional roller coaster, instead of the informative and clarifying seminar that you were hoping it would be. I think I would have bolted midway through thinking "this isn't for me".
I don't know about the promise of giving "joy to a child who otherwise would suffer." I always assumed that the kids out there needed homes, but weren't necessarily suffering. This seminar seems to say that once you adopt a child, they are still suffering in some way by not being with their birth mothers. That just makes too much pain all the way around...and I'm sure adoption isn't like that, or I'd hope not. I think some of the other posters are right, maybe this agency is a little over the top and you and Paul would be better served elsewhere. A weekend like the one you had would have sent me running back to my RE's office, because at least there the suffering is just my own.
Posted by: Chickenpig at Mar 8, 2007 6:58:16 AM
We did the 6 week plan through the state (NH) two summers ago. When we came home, neither of us spoke of, not even MENTIONED the classes and what was presented. Eight months later someone asked me, in front of DH, where we were with "that adoption thing". I looked at him. He looked back. "It's not for us" I said, speaking for both of us even without asking him first.
He agreed.
Posted by: Hero at Mar 8, 2007 7:44:03 AM
