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04/06/2007

The juxtaposition of "Shaft" and "cockfights" is purely coincidental, I assure you.

Hey, you know who I envy?  I mean, besides those who look at a calendar, get out a Sharpie, and draw a big red heart around the date they hope to conceive, preferably some sentimental special date like a wedding anniversary or Lincoln's birthday or maybe National #2 Pencil Day.  And then they buy a bottle of wine, change the sheets, and actually maybe even shave their legs — I know!  This babymaking business takes work, y'all!   And then they lie back and think of Isaac Hayes ("Shut your mouth!"  "But I'm talkin' about Shaft!"), and then two weeks and some days later they notice that their period is a touch late, and, hey, wouldn't it be funny if...?  Wouldn't it be great?  And it is, and it is, and thus the deed is done.

Besides them.

It's those of you who've either decided against starting fertility treatment at all, or called a halt to the whole messy business, and then moved on to adoption with a joyful heart.

I love the blogs and personal stories I read where you're not only resolved that adoption is the best choice for you, but truly excited about the idea.  Really energized, positive, and full of faith in the process as well as the eventual squalling pink product.  It's that certainty I envy, the knowledge that this, at last, is what you truly want instead of what you're merely settling for.

In my messed-up heart of hearts, I know that to adopt right now would be, for me, settling.  I still have enormous reservations about the process.  But it has slowly been dawning on me that maybe that's possibly...sort of...okay.

Many of you have said, with utmost kindness, compassion, and, I think, a real understanding of my feelings, that if I don't feel good about adoption, then it's not something we should pursue.  But do you really have to feel good about it to do it anyway?  Is it enough to trust in the product?  To believe that the love, the love I don't doubt, would override those misgivings?

It was akeeyu who wrote, "Nobody really wants to do IVF."  (I must respectfully disagree.  I want to do IVF.  I love almost everything about it: the ritual of injections, which I approach with obsessive zeal; the narcissistic fascination of becoming my very own science experiment; the unparallelled suspense, even when it culminates in nauseating disappointment; and the gamble.  Sweet Jesus gay, do I love the gamble.  Which is precisely why I should stay away from those tempting jewellike ampules of Follistim, cockfights both legal and il-, and gaming hells in Regency romances.  You would not believe how I suck at piquet.)

Anyway, akeeyu wrote: "Nobody really wants to do IVF, after all.  Everybody just wants to do what is supposed to come afterwards."  That last part is where the truth lies.  We want what we hope will result.  Despite the inherent awfulness of the process, we hold our noses and take the plunge.  We lie back and think of England.  Or Shaft, if you swing that way.  ("You're damn right.")

It is that knowledge that makes me suspect there are those of us who don't really want to adopt, either, who don't, in fact, embrace the process, but who go ahead and do it anyway.  Who want what comes afterward, and proceed despite their reservations, betting that the beauty of the end — a family at last — will eclipse their concerns about the means.

Am I on to something?  Have any of you proceeded with adoption despite continuing doubts?  And how is that working out?  Tell me your thoughts, anonymously if you prefer.   I am beginning to think that it would be an even bigger risk than IVF at this point, and I do tend to love a gamble.

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