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04/06/2007
The juxtaposition of "Shaft" and "cockfights" is purely coincidental, I assure you.
Hey, you know who I envy? I mean, besides those who look at a calendar, get out a Sharpie, and draw a big red heart around the date they hope to conceive, preferably some sentimental special date like a wedding anniversary or Lincoln's birthday or maybe National #2 Pencil Day. And then they buy a bottle of wine, change the sheets, and actually maybe even shave their legs — I know! This babymaking business takes work, y'all! And then they lie back and think of Isaac Hayes ("Shut your mouth!" "But I'm talkin' about Shaft!"), and then two weeks and some days later they notice that their period is a touch late, and, hey, wouldn't it be funny if...? Wouldn't it be great? And it is, and it is, and thus the deed is done.
Besides them.
It's those of you who've either decided against starting fertility treatment at all, or called a halt to the whole messy business, and then moved on to adoption with a joyful heart.
I love the blogs and personal stories I read where you're not only resolved that adoption is the best choice for you, but truly excited about the idea. Really energized, positive, and full of faith in the process as well as the eventual squalling pink product. It's that certainty I envy, the knowledge that this, at last, is what you truly want instead of what you're merely settling for.
In my messed-up heart of hearts, I know that to adopt right now would be, for me, settling. I still have enormous reservations about the process. But it has slowly been dawning on me that maybe that's possibly...sort of...okay.
Many of you have said, with utmost kindness, compassion, and, I think, a real understanding of my feelings, that if I don't feel good about adoption, then it's not something we should pursue. But do you really have to feel good about it to do it anyway? Is it enough to trust in the product? To believe that the love, the love I don't doubt, would override those misgivings?
It was akeeyu who wrote, "Nobody really wants to do IVF." (I must respectfully disagree. I want to do IVF. I love almost everything about it: the ritual of injections, which I approach with obsessive zeal; the narcissistic fascination of becoming my very own science experiment; the unparallelled suspense, even when it culminates in nauseating disappointment; and the gamble. Sweet Jesus gay, do I love the gamble. Which is precisely why I should stay away from those tempting jewellike ampules of Follistim, cockfights both legal and il-, and gaming hells in Regency romances. You would not believe how I suck at piquet.)
Anyway, akeeyu wrote: "Nobody really wants to do IVF, after all. Everybody just wants to do what is supposed to come afterwards." That last part is where the truth lies. We want what we hope will result. Despite the inherent awfulness of the process, we hold our noses and take the plunge. We lie back and think of England. Or Shaft, if you swing that way. ("You're damn right.")
It is that knowledge that makes me suspect there are those of us who don't really want to adopt, either, who don't, in fact, embrace the process, but who go ahead and do it anyway. Who want what comes afterward, and proceed despite their reservations, betting that the beauty of the end — a family at last — will eclipse their concerns about the means.
Am I on to something? Have any of you proceeded with adoption despite continuing doubts? And how is that working out? Tell me your thoughts, anonymously if you prefer. I am beginning to think that it would be an even bigger risk than IVF at this point, and I do tend to love a gamble.
Posted by Julie at 12:47 PM in Why don't you just adopt? | Permalink
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Comments (183)
One of my favorite bloggers once wrote a post titled something like "Be a weenie and do it anyway." It was about proceeding despite reservations, taking the plunge with faith that your heart can catch up to your head, something like that. I dunno. It sounded smart at the time.
And the recipient of the advice did do it anyway, and she got a superfabulous kid out of the deal, and there was much rejoicing.
So sometimes that happens.
Of course, there was also the time we all advised Julia Hippogriffs to OF COURSE do IVF with PGD, what are you, crazy? and . . . . Well, a lot of still have our fingers crossed on that one.
Posted by: Slim at Apr 6, 2007 1:02:25 PM
Hey, I just re-read your . . . um . . .that post, and that wasn't really your point, exactly, was it?
Go, me!
Posted by: Slim at Apr 6, 2007 1:05:12 PM
I think there are people (myself included) who tend to analyze things to death, to the point that even if one can believe in the end product we will doubt how we will feel every step of the way, and think "Should we be doing this at all?"
This isn't to say that those who project happiness in their undertakings aren't thinking about them carefully, I think that after thinking them through once or twice and making a decision they can stop thinking so hard and just get on with it happily. I am not one of those people. And it doesn't seem you are either. There is so much to doubt in adoption, but there is just as much of a gamble in trying to have your own. I wish I could say that I had doubts and have forged ahead with an adoption and things are great. But there are currently no children here, not even trying for a while...
Either way you choose, things will be fine. Happy and joyful, even. I say go for it. But I don't know anything.
Posted by: Christine at Apr 6, 2007 1:10:05 PM
I have a slightly different take. I have a friend who tried IVF multiple times and finally had a child. She and her partner were ecstatic. Two years down the road they decided to try the one frozen embryo they had on ice and did not succeed. They thought about it and decided that one child was enough for them. They did not want to adopt.
A few months later my friend decided she changed her mind and she wanted another child. She went the fastest route she could and adopted a child from Guatemala.
Two years later she has no bond with the adopted child. She and her partner feel like they have a "real" child and are babysitting the other child. She wasn't honest with herself about things. She didn't want to adopt she wanted to give birth to an infant. Her partner didn't want another child at all - either biological or adoptive.
I am not saying this is your situation - I am mererly advocating really listening to what you want and being honest with yourself.
Posted by: anonymous at Apr 6, 2007 1:30:18 PM
when i feel this way i think of homer, when he is scared of donating his kidney. first he rushes screaming from the hospital once, twice, three times. Then he turns around and rushes screaming into the hospital.
i am a fearful person overall so i use the imagery often.
Posted by: at Apr 6, 2007 1:50:02 PM
I rarely had reservations with the process. I figured finger printing and homestudies and yada yada were just part of it. Like morning sickness, it wasn't something I always enjoyed, but it was part of it that I couldn't get around. I have to say that I was overjoyed at the prospect of adopting. We gave up on infertility treatments long before most people do. I knew that with adoption I would get a baby. My body was a big damn gamble that I was tired of putting quarters in with no pay out. I had no idea back then of the larger ethical implications of adoption. We lucked out, we have an ethical adoption not by plan, but through instincts of all the parties involved. Greatest joys in my life- parenting, my husband and my children's adoptions. I LOVE their first/birth families. I am happy that it has opened up parts of me that I didn't know existed, and I got these two beautiful kids to boot.
I know people who have had reservations about adoption in general or open adoption and still go ahead and adopt. I think it's just like people who are ambivilant about having a baby and have one any way. Some of these people have embraced it and found it the best thing they have ever done, and others face the challenge of struggling with their unresolved feelings. I just don't think there is a way to predict.
You may be able to handle situations you don't think you can, or you may resent the hell out of the fact that you are forced to deal with them.
Posted by: Lisa V at Apr 6, 2007 2:00:42 PM
May I tell you a story that may sound a bit ... non sequitur? But maybe it applies.
I'm German. I came to the USA because of my husband, an American. I didn't "really" want to be here. I mean, it's a lovely country and everything, don't get me wrong, but I was very happy in Germany and would never have considered leaving if I hadn't met him.
So I've been living here for a few years, did the immigration paperwork like I was supposed to, figuring anything that let me be in the same place as my husband was good, even if I wasn't thrilled about it all. I dutifully went to fingerprintings, submitted clean police records, jointly owned property, birth certificate of mutual children, that sort of stuff.
Yesterday, I got my green card in the mail. I looked at it, astonished at the feeling of happiness that suddenly possessed me.
Somehow along the way, without me really realizing it, it had become home.
Posted by: Jessica at Apr 6, 2007 2:10:55 PM
Hasn't a child who's been placed for adoption already been part of an unsuccessful gamble?
Posted by: jax at Apr 6, 2007 2:17:43 PM
I'm going to preface my experience with IF and adoption with a qualification -- I like challenges. Frankly, it is the challenges of life that keep me going. I was raised to believe that if I worked hard enough at a problem, I could find a solution. And I derive a lot of happiness from solving such problems. But you can probably see where this is going . . .
I saw having a child over 40 as a challenge. One that could be "solvable" if enough effort was made. However, my DH HATED treatments, the effect on him, the effect on me, and, of course, the crappy results. So after two years (one IVF and one FET) we stopped and moved onto adoption.
We adopted transracially (again with the challenges). But I feel great inside about the ethics of the situation, how much good has resulted from this adoption, and the beautiful family that we now have. I can honestly say that this was the best solution for everyone for a very difficult situation.
That is not to say that our daughter's birthmom has not and will not continue to feel her loss, probably for the rest of her life -- but placing her daughter with us was the right thing for all involved. She is getting counseling, we are staying in touch, and we have already started incorporating her (through pictures now because of distance and if she chooses to, in person later) in our daughter's life.
Now that we are almost finalized, I can acknowledge the concerns that I had going into the process. Maybe we were "lucky" but this has worked out very, very well.
Was I convinced it would all work out when I decided to adopt? Far from it -- I knew it was risky. But I also knew that I did have some control because I could choose my professionals and I could choose situations. No guarantees, but certainly more control than I had over my body.
I hope this helped. Best wishes on your decision.
Posted by: MichelleL at Apr 6, 2007 2:26:14 PM
People who get pregnant easily a la your first paragraph probably think pregnancy is unbearable, since it's the only difficult part they've had to endure. Of course we hate them for that. But it almost seems like something as important as a child should be difficult to get, or else everybody, even more than the sometimes undeserving-almost-everybody who can do it now, would be doing it. I also think that there are lot of people talking about their joyful adoption-heart that either worked damn hard to get that heart, or are blowing smoke. It doesn't come naturally to most.
Posted by: Joy at Apr 6, 2007 2:27:09 PM
This entire post reminded me of Millie, who is continuing to pursue Donor Egg while also looking into adoption, and stated how comforting it was to meet others who also weren't "completely committed to the process." It struck me at how "committed" was defined as pursuing adoption to the exclusion of all other processes and how one is never really "committed" to a process, just the end result. We did IVF, sure, but if something else would have gotten us a baby, we would have done that as well.
Posted by: Suz at Apr 6, 2007 2:34:32 PM
This is a timely post for me as I just revisited this issue.
We did not adopt. I have no regrets about stopping treatments, but I do have some regrets about at least not exploring that more.
I overwhelmed myself with fear and didn't let the good stuff into my process nearly enough. I was in pain and signing up for possibility of more of it seemed crazy.
Just for me alone, no judgements about anyone else, I wish I'd be more brave and had more trust.
Best of luck.
Posted by: FHT at Apr 6, 2007 2:41:06 PM
I've been discussing this elsewhere, recently. I think many, many people come to adoption with ambivalence. Many, many people decide every morning to do it over and over again. Many, many people have lingering "what ifs..." floating in the background even as they embrace and love a newly adopted child.
Even I--who came to adoption as a long-hoped for first choice--have had my moments of wondering if I'll regret not having given birth (presuming I could do so, which I have no way of knowing). It's just idle curiosity for me most of the time, but occasionally I feel left out of the "mommy club" due to my lack of stretch marks and/or horror stories of birth and I vaguely wish I had all the requirements to fully "fit in."
Then I remember that I have never fully fit in anywhere, at a single, solitary moment of my life and I sigh, shrug and realize This Is The Life I Have Chosen. And 99.9% of the time I am thrilled by it.
All this is just to say that when you read of people waxing excited and certain, they are probably exagerrating the point and/or having a momentary high that passes or at least calms.
No important path we take in life ever feels truly 100% certain. Anyway, I don't think it does and if someone else says she feels that way, I'm gonna be doubtful of her handle on reality.
I also think you're wise to focus on the result. Since you know you will love this child, just hold that in your mind as the vision. I pray, myself. I gather you don't, but you could just as easily visualize that child and its mother, hold them in your mind in peace and love as you go through the process with all its bumps.
It has worked for me.
Posted by: Shannon at Apr 6, 2007 2:45:28 PM
There are 2 things holding me back from adoption. The first is that the process seems so hard. It would be easier if we could ignore the pain of the birthparents and child. But I can't do that and the effort to complete an ethical adoption just seems so herculean...after years of IF I am just too burnt out to start over.
The other is more personal. I am adopted myself and my dd is my only blood relative. I honestly dont know if I would love a non-biological child as much. If the process went away -- if someone gave me a baby tomorrow -- I would still have this concern.
Posted by: Swampy at Apr 6, 2007 2:49:48 PM
Because I'm in a similar position right now (only with a less-than-willing-to-do-anything-at-all-right-now spouse), I can't really say for sure.
The only thing I know is that I want another child...and I'm not sure it matters to me how that child arrives. Would I like to be pregnant again? Damn straight. Do I think I could do it without all the drama of last time (you know, assuming my body didn't decide to miscarry anyway in its usual fashion)? Not at all. Would I want someone else to carry my genetic child? Not so sure -- the jealousy might kill me. Do I want to jump through the hoops of adoption? No. Would I do it anyway? In a heartbeat.
For me, in the end, what matters is having another child, giving my son a sibling...and I'm willing to do it in whatever route my husband will take. I won't be truly happy about the process involved in any of the options, but in the end, I will be happy that I have done it.
Posted by: Miss W at Apr 6, 2007 2:50:16 PM
i wish i could tell you how to fix the doubt. i am one of "those" who skipped treatment to pursue adoption. infertility hurts so badly that it has clouded my joy at times... made me doubt whether i should be grieving my infertility instead of adopting. it makes me long for the "we're pregnant" announcements and people knowing what to say instead of saying "uh, congratulations?" when we announce that we're adopting... i wanted maternity clothes, puking, everything. i wanted people to stop me in the mall and ask when i'm due. instead, i get hassled by government officials, fed ex, and loads of paperwork...
but the anticipation and excitement is still there... we are still expectant - pregnant. my hope is that the stories prove true - that the adoptive parents who say "this child was meant to be a part of our family" are right, and that it happens for everyone... despite all that i had hoped for with pregnancy, our adoption is every bit as exciting... just in a totally different way that most mothers can't relate to... just as i wanted to experience pregnancy, i want to experience what it feels like to have a stranger hand me a baby and FINALLY be a mother. their need for a family, and my desire to be a mother are both fulfilled in one (long drawn out) step of faith...
my husband and i have always been certain that we would adopt, even before infertility. i guess i say all of this just to say that i still question... infertility strikes at your core; clouds things, changes the way we look at the world and the things we hoped for... it forces us to grieve our expectations and then pick up the pieces and decide which way should go now... we will still "try" for a biological child in the background... attempt some treatments down the line, but for now, i just keep the end goal - being a mother - in the forefront of my mind, and know the rest will fall into place.
Posted by: kristin at Apr 6, 2007 2:52:07 PM
Adoption isn't an "on the fence" decision--biological conception shouldn't be either, though alot of people (i.e., stoopid fertiles) treat it that way.
It may sound trite, but try spending time with other non-related babies and kids (if you haven't already). See if you can forge deep bonds with any of them. Spending a few days with my friend's 3 month old baby made me realize without a doubt that I could love another's child as my own. We wait to do so because of the lengthy and expensive process, for which we are not currently prepared.
You don't have to make this decision now. Any shrink worth a salt would tell you to walk away from this issue and revisit it only after you've made peace with your fertility treatment cessation. Alot can happen with time. You may decide that the happy family you've created is fulfilling enough. Regardless, until you can get some distance, you will not have perspective and will be incapable of making the best choice.
Posted by: Casey at Apr 6, 2007 2:52:37 PM
Going through infertility the last 3 years--and still no baby--has made me remember that even as a small child I always wanted to have a baby. I have for years fantasized, even before marriage, about having a little girl that looked just like me and how wonderful that would be. I've thought about the wonders of pregnancy and how I would enjoy it. Well, now I just want to be a Mother. I honestly think someone could leave a baby on my porch and I would be ever so thankful and welcoming. I just want to be a Mom. My husband wants to pursue IVF first and then adoption. I could do either. It doesn't matter to me. It was amazing to finally realize all of this. And I must say it was also very freeing.
You feel how you feel. Take time to realize why you feel like you do.
Posted by: at Apr 6, 2007 2:52:58 PM
I just wanted to chime in that I'm one of those parents that wasn't thrilled about adopting. Nope. Wasn't thrilled at all. I felt like I've been cheated out of having MY child. I was planning to do IF treatments till there was a baby. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. Until something happened and I could no longer carry a child. So, my options were to be childless or adopt.
I went through each step wondering if I would love this child as much as a biological child or if I would resent this child. I had so many fears resentments and issues with the process.
Then we were matched with a birth-mom. One day, instead of thinking about whether I would resent this child I started thinking about what color to paint the nursery. The next week, I stopped thinking about how sad I am that this child won't have my husband's eyes and started thinking about what kind of carseat to get. Then, we heard we were having a son. There was not one negative thought in my head (except whether to circumcise)and I only started thinking of names. As his birth date approached, I started wondering what he would look like. I started embracing the idea that he would be beautifully unique and wished he'd have different eye color and a different hair color.
Now, I look into my son's eyes and see my reason for being. I can't imagine my life without him and every day I am grateful for him being born. Don't get me wrong. I'm still angry that I couldn't be pregnant and give birth to a baby. But now, my regret is that I couldn't carry and give birth to this little boy that has become my life. I'm angry that my little boy has to wonder about his heritage and where he gets his smile from (we have a closed adoption) and I would do anything to protect him from any hurt feelings he may have because he was adopted.
Adoption is hard and tough and I had to let go of any control issues I had (and there were many). But looking back, I am so glad I forged ahead despite my many reservations.
Posted by: anonymous at Apr 6, 2007 2:59:30 PM
I have always been 100% supportive of adoption. Between the horror stories, I have always felt it was, on the whole, a positive construct.
I recently made a new friend who is the mother of 3 adopted boys (7, 4 and 18 mos.) and 1 biological daughter, who is 1 month old. She was telling me about her 13 years of adoption and infertility experiences (for her, they went hand-in-hand) and FLOORED me with the story about her second domestic adoption attempt. Her second adopted infant was (legally) taken from her by his birth mother 5 weeks after being placed in her home. Literally removed, crying, from her arms. This happened several years ago, but her tears, and mine, were raw and fresh.
I don't tell you this to discourage adoption. I tell you this because your ambivalence is well-placed. It is legitimate. I tell you this to show my friend's (understandable) fear of the process ... and her 3 beautiful sons.
Posted by: Anon. at Apr 6, 2007 3:09:31 PM
I truly believe---based on what little I know of you from your blog, and from meeting you briefly---that if you pursue adoption, you will love the resultant child with your whole heart. Because I think you're smart enough to not do it unless you're pretty sure that will be the outcome.
Having said that, can I also say that a post like this makes me cringe a little? You're not just making a decision for YOU. You're deciding the future of another human being's life. And I think it's even trickier when you already have a bio child, because if your heart does not have total buy-in, there will always be tacit comparisons.
I don't think you will make the wrong decision. You know yourself, and you will be able to tease apart what is right for you. But until you do, I hope you wait. Because it's okay to say no, if it's not right for you... but it's a lot less okay to say yes and just cross your fingers that things will change.
Posted by: Mir at Apr 6, 2007 3:23:37 PM
Paul wanted to adopt. I was okay with it, but definitely less excited about it than he was.
I did get there, though, and I got to full excitement long before we met with an expectant mother for the first time. I'm sorry that adoption didn't work out for us. I'm not sorry we tried, and we may yet try again in the future.
But looking back, I wish we had waited until I was a little more there mentally before starting the process.
Posted by: Christine at Apr 6, 2007 3:52:17 PM
I had the same reservations about having children at all. Doctors did things to preserve my fertility despite the endo, but I was actually merely after pain control. I put my eager husband off on the topic of children for several years, even though I loved children, they loved me, and people always said I should have a slew. It took me until I was 35, after 11 years of marriage, to take the plunge, which didn't happen immediately, but I was lucky.
However, I was so wrong to wait. I would have been absolutely ready if it had happened sooner; I think those nine months are for more than just gestating. It's for getting used to an idea. Now I consider myself nine years SIF and my hesitation up front made me miss the boat.
I think the adoption process would be beneficial for you; I do not think waiting for perfection in mind/opinion/decision-making is always best. Honestly, it'll come. Have faith in yourself.
Posted by: Cricket at Apr 6, 2007 3:56:30 PM
Two of my best friends went through round after round of fertility treatments trying to conceive with no success. They decided to pursue adoption even though they were still sad and disappointed and crushed. They were clearly...not ambivalent but certainly not over-the-moon excited at the prospect.
Until they sat down to watch the video of children that were available from Russia via the agency they were working with. And immediately spotted their son. Each of them knew independently that he was the one, theirs.
After that they never looked back. And are now a beautiful family with two adopted kids.
I'm reading this over and realize that it sounds like some fake freakin' fairytale. I'm not conveying their disappointment and anguish. But it's hard to capture in the face of the great family they have now.
Posted by: LMM at Apr 6, 2007 4:08:53 PM
I have not adopted, but I just wanted to comment about the ambivalence. I was ambivalent about having a child until I was pregnant the first time...and was so filled with joy. And also scared out of my mind. And then I miscarried and then I knew very clearly what I had lost. And I knew I wanted a child more than I wanted anything else.
So I guess what I'm saying is that you are at the ambivalent stage. You want another child, but the adoption part of it is making you ambivalent. So I think you might have to wait for that moment that brings you out of ambivalence into knowledge that you really WANT to adopt, and that you are joyful about it. I don't think there is a set way to get there. I think as you look into it, you will get there or you won't.
I do hope you get there. I know I would find it hard to adopt without knowing that I really felt 100% okay about it.
Posted by: kathleen999 at Apr 6, 2007 4:58:54 PM
I'm deeply ambivalent about adoption at present. I always knew I might not be able to conceive, and (being much more ignorant then than I am today) consoled myself that if things didn't work out, I could "just" adopt.
Since then I've sucessfully carried a biological child (mostly) to term. She is delightful. Now we're faced with what to do about having a second. I am much less interested in adopting than I was before having a biological child. I'm mostly concerned about the difficulty of having one biological child and one adopted child in the same family. I think it's unlikely that I will be able to consider adoption until I have wrung every last drop of possibility out of IF treatment, and even then I don't know that we'd do it.
On the other hand, I'm pretty sure this is one of those things that you can't possibly know until you're faced with it and you've had a long talk with yourself. Choice 1: no adoption and a single child family. Choice 2: adoption and raising multiple children, having siblings. Ooh. A tough one. I wish I could say for sure what we'll do if/when we get there. I just don't know. I wish I did.
I get a tremendous amount of insight from reading your blog and your commenters' thoughts, and as always, I wish you the best of luck making your decision.
Posted by: May at Apr 6, 2007 5:00:49 PM
I think it depends what your ambivalence is about. If it's about the process, then I think it's safe to just plunge ahead. Yes, it's onerous, but you do know that sooner or later it will be over.
If your ambivalence is about raising an adopted child, or a specific type of adopted child (transracial, special needs, etc), then I think you need to give your concerns due process. We owe it to the children we bring into our lives to be sure that we are committed to doing what's necessary to parent them well.
So you need to take the time to carefully consider what additional issues you could face in whatever adoptive situation you're considering and be honest with yourself about your capabilities, the needs of your existing family, etc. Don't get too scared by the worst-case scenarios - that's just what they are - but you do need to consider the faint possibility of those scenarios happening and decide what is a dealbreaker for you.
I know you're doing this because you're already becoming informed about adoption and the process. A book that was very helpful for me was Adopting After Infertility. It helped us talk through a lot of the issues and decide what mattered to us and what we could and couldn't handle.
Posted by: Kendra at Apr 6, 2007 5:01:41 PM
de-lurking. hi.
Little different perspective: I'm a lesbian mom, fertile, but we had to decide upfront on adoption vs. pregnancy for all the reasons that you do when you're both women and you want a kid. We went with pregnancy b/c I wanted to be pregnant at least once, thinking that we might choose adoption for subsequent children. Before I was pregnant I wouldn't have said there was that wide a difference between those options.
But now I wouldn't choose adoption unless I found out I couldn't conceive a second time. Would I be able to then embrace adoption? I don't know. The ethics of it are daunting--the ethics of a known donor are daunting enough. I would be connected differently to an adopted child. It wouldn't need to be a lesser connection, but ahead of time, how could I be sure it wouldn't wind up that way?
Posted by: Sheila at Apr 6, 2007 5:04:13 PM
I'm nervous to post this, but, deep breath, here goes.
If you aren't sure yet...take some time to ask why. Put it into another context... like any relationship.
After a marriage or a great love affair ends, you wouldn't just jump into another relationship right away. We call them rebounds for a reason, right? After you broke up with that old boyfriend you mentioned a while back, you still wanted to go back to him. You couldn't really be in love with Paul, real true love until you were finished with the other guy, no regrets, and that took time and space.
As an infertile, I know the feeling that the clock is ticking...but as an adoptee, I really don't want to be your rebound love either.
After my son Matthew died, I decided to "not decide" for six months. I was terrified something bad might happen, and even more scared that something good would happen. I was a mess. So I set an artifical deadline of six months with no decisions one way or the other, just lots of wine & chocolate, and life, and laziness and enjoying my marriage and my one living child.
When we went to try for our little guy again, I had built up some more armour to help weather the ups and downs.
I don't know if something similar (like six months or a year off) would be good for you as well...but it helped us a lot.
Posted by: Aurelia at Apr 6, 2007 5:24:29 PM
I haven't read all the comments yet (but plan to go back and do so, interesting questions!). I'm one who didn't pursue fertility tx. in the end (husband, a lapsed catholic, lapsed back into it when it came to messing with procreation and changed his mind about IVF), we moved readily into adoption.
A couple of points. First, it's totally OK to hate the adoption process itself. I do. You just have to be careful what company you slam it in, as some people defend it as being in the child's best interest. If it really was, I'd be all for it, but in actual fact the process exists primarily to employ and fill the pockets of various middlemen, although the process is so ingrained as being beneficial to the adoptee that the various middlemen themselves are probably partly blind to it in actuality benefiting them instead.
Second, it's OK to come to it at first from a position of ambivalence. I think most people do, but most also don't admit it.
There are a lot of taboos around adoption, so it's hard to get hold of the real truth because no one ever says completely what they really think. There's a lot of political correctness too in all directions, which constrains discussion (you're refreshinly frank as you ponder it, thanks for that!)
So anyway, keep pondering, or even start the process (it's not like it's quick or anything), what's a few more thousand of your hard earned dollars, you can always change your mind if it feels wrong once you're in it.
Posted by: Nancy at Apr 6, 2007 5:26:08 PM
I don't have experience or wisdom to share. Frankly, I'm not bringing much to the table today. More than anything, I just want to say that for every couple who feels comfortable adopting there's likely two more - one that won't consider it, and one that will but may or may not choose to do so. Whether or not it's ultimately right, I can't answer, but I think it is ok to not be fully invested in the process as long as you know you'll be fully invested in the child.
Posted by: Mandy at Apr 6, 2007 5:41:28 PM
Which Worst Case Scenario could you live with?
1) Learning to be relatively content the rest of your life with your only child, but always with a longing/sadness for the second child that never was... or...
2) Adopting a second child, having those doubts and misgivings (whatever they are-- not bonding to the second child as much as Charlie, ongoing birthparent issues, etc.) actually come to fruition and living the rest of your life wondering if you made the right choice.
Regret at what "never was" or regret for having messed up a pretty good thing?
I am wandering through some of these same questions right now, and I personally believe that it is a sign that I am not ready to pursue adoption. Already having a bio child adds so many different layers to the adoption issue. There's no way around it-- it just does.
Posted by: Ellen at Apr 6, 2007 5:44:29 PM
I had too many reservations about adoption for varies reasons. For me it never did feel like my first choice and I felt that until it did, it wouldn't be fair to the child to adopt. It was never a question of whether I would love that child or not.
Posted by: Jenn at Apr 6, 2007 6:11:35 PM
Having had no personal experience with adoption beyond working with adoptive families in our pediatric office, I can't offer any advice that won't be me talking out my rear. But I will say I've seen several people go into adoption with reservations, especially those with a bio child already, and come out with a happy family. But if you have reservations, your decision? Is totally up to you. You're smart enough not to let anyone's opinion, least of all someone you don't know, change your mind OR make it up. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I hope you find out what's best for you, and whether it's Charlie being a single child or if it's adopting another, the important thing is that you and Paul and Charlie are happy with the decision.
Posted by: Audrey at Apr 6, 2007 6:19:54 PM
I'm struggling with the decision of whether to try and conceive a second, which is complicated medically for a variety of reasons. Well-meaning close friends ask me, well, if you could have the baby without going through the pregnancy, how would you feel about it then? And my mind goes, well, that's irrelevant because that's just not how it works, and even if I could trick my brain otherwise I sure can't fool my heart. So of course it's nearly impossible to divorce your feelings about *having* an adopted baby vs. *the process* of adopting the baby. I wish you all good things, and above all, clarity in this decision. But if you don't get that clarity, I know in my heart that you're going to make a great decision, whatever that may be.
Posted by: Shelley at Apr 6, 2007 6:24:26 PM
I'm sure your ambivalence about adoption is far more common than not.
I've thought about adoption since I was a child. My father is originally from India, and I remember thinking during our visits that when I got older, I would return to adopt a child.
It is this cultural/ethnic/heritage link that makes adopting an Indian child so appealing, because I would feel very connected to the child, even though we were of no biological relation. (I still have family in India; we would visit the country; celebrate Indian holidays, etc.)
But I just don't think I could adopt another child from another country. I just wouldn't feel connected to that country, and I would want to be.
"Waiting for Daisy" is a wonderful book by Peggy Orenstein and she discusses this subject in detail. I reviewed it last week on my blog.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
Posted by: Anjali at Apr 6, 2007 6:31:14 PM
My father is a bio kid and his younger sister (my aunt) is adopted.
Family history is never a simple A-to-B cause and effect kind of story. But I can tell you that my aunt seems haunted by the question, "my birth mother didn't want me. Does my adopted mother really want me as a 'true' daughter?"
And my grandmother's psychic response seems to be "I'm not sure."
It is devastating to watch. They are 60+ and 90+ and all their interactions still seem to be flavored by this unresolved question. There is no such question in my dad's interaction with his parents.
Can an adopted child be a reminder that you feel cheated out of a bio child? Apparently. This is a terrible, terrible thing. But terribleness does not mean it does not happen.
Does not mean in will happen either, of course. But you asked and this has been our family's experience.
Posted by: -- at Apr 6, 2007 6:37:48 PM
I'm glad to see you writing about this again. You've been silent on this issue for a while and I wondered where you were at.
I agree with the commenter above re: trying to determine if your ambivalence is more about the process or whether you can love another child as much as your bio child. Given my specific circumstances, I knew that my ambivelance was not about loving a non-bio child, but more about the process. That process of having to prove yourself worthy, over and over again, just made me crazy to think about. But I realized for me, that having a second child was worth more to me than what I'd have to go through to get him/her. Of course, then we gave our last six embryos a last ditch effort and whadaya know, it actually worked. So what the hell do I know? But know that I was mentally ready in a way I never had been before and was 100% ready to fill out the paperwork as soon as the cycle failed (which for some strange reason that I have no explanation for, it didn't).
Posted by: Leggy at Apr 6, 2007 6:40:12 PM
I guess I'm not clear, after reading the comments and mostly after reading your entries: where lies your uncertainty? With the long invasive process of adoption, with the ethics of domestic infant adoption (I think that's what you're investigating but I'm not sure), with your own potential emotions/lack of bonding re: the eventual baby? I have no judgement about how you feel about any of these (or something different if that's it); I'm just not sure what's what. God knows the drive to have a child is hard enough to pin down without infertility tx and adoption entering in -- but still, I'm curious. If you care to poke that spot again, that is.
Posted by: goodsandwich at Apr 6, 2007 6:47:48 PM
I'm in the group you mentioned. When my doctor told me that there was a less than 10% of my ever getting pregnant from charting and temping, I moved onto adoption without even passing clomid. But, at the time, I envied those who were willing to take the gamble with IVF and other interventions. I just wasn't that kind of brave. So, my DH and I began the process. But, I'm telling you all this for a reason--I HATED the process. We both did. We chose foster-adopt because that made the most sense for us, but there was nothing we LIKED about the process--not the waiting, not the paperwork, not what these kids had been through, not the state, not the potential for dealing with the birth families. But, we were totally 100% committed to the outcome, to what it meant to adopt from foster care, and to parenting the potential children. So maybe, it depends a little bit on the type of adoption you ultimately select--it seems you need to be a lot more committed to the process for domestic infant adoption because you need be honest with yourself and everyone else about how much contact you can handle, and not being committed to the process of open adoption can cause loads of heartache. With international adoption as with foster care adoptions, many decisions are already made for you, and while you need to be 100% committed to what it means to adopt that child, you don't have to be as invested in the process. Research other forms of adoption. You've been to one domestic seminar, but that's not the only option for you. You may discover an option that feels more "right" to you on an emotional, political, social level. Try practicing explaining adoption to your hypothetical future child--"We chose this because X. You were placed for adoption because X." Tell them the story of their adoption, and perhaps a path will become clear, or perhaps it will be more more clear that is not where you need to be right now. Because, ultimately, you will have to explain adoption to the child at some point, with some degree of comfort. See how that feels. That's one of the way that I arrived at foster-to-adopt. I still plan to adopt, even though right now I am pregnant with that less-than-10% chance baby, but I feel like if I don't get to adopt, I will miss an important event that I was planning for. I hope that maybe, someday, somewhere down the road, you can flip IVF off, and say "sorry, follistim, I'm too busy adopting--and if I don't adopt, I'll feel a different kind of loss."
Posted by: wavybrains at Apr 6, 2007 6:59:49 PM
Ok, my honest thoughts (after 2 years trying to get knocked up with my female partner and donor sperm and 2 m/c, we are adopting internationally): Adoption is something I really WANTED to want to do. In theory, it's a great idea. And I want a baby. Instead, we're getting a toddler (though we did get to meet her as a baby). I have no doubt I will love her as much as any baby i would grow inside me. That's not the issue...what i want is to experience the baby's whole life. Lately, i've thought maybe i could do without pregnancy...
BUT...fact is i want another baby and there are really no great options to having one. Adoption is a pain in the butt and at least as much emotional drama as fertility treatment. I've never done IVF but am seriously considering it (with donor eggs, due to my age and fsh levels) for baby #2...i don't give 2 rips about genetic relationship. But i don't want to deal with the drama and emotional risks of surrogacy or domestic adoption either (biological or gestational "mother" changing her mind being the biggest one in my book).
Maybe we'll try adoption again...but this experience has taught me a lot and there will be a heck of a lot more insight into the options now than before.
That's a little convoluted and confused.
In summary, i think that you CAN move ahead with adoption without FULLY loving the idea (just don't tell the homestudy social worker that!) Grieving something you want but can't have is a process, not an event. You can move on to other options while still grieving that loss. In fact in my opinion, one HAS to or one will be stuck in place forever (regardless of the issue or circumstance).
That was long...sorry...but thanks for asking.
Posted by: Rebecca (puppymom) at Apr 6, 2007 7:04:49 PM
In some ways I think it depends on what you are not sure about. Is it ethics? Loss? Biology?
These things are all hard topics. I think that most people come to adoption as a second choice. Some don't. But I think as you get further into the process, you realize that it was your second choice solely because the other might be easier or because adoption is *scary* or unknown or because most people you know just have sex and get pregnant.
Now that I've adopted, I am unsure that I want to have a bio baby. I want a baby. But now the idea of having a bio baby scares me. If I had my way, I would have gotten pregnant a long time ago. But now that I've adopted, I am SO THANKFUL that I did. I just didn't realize it at the time. And I adopted a 9 year old foster child, not the baby I had envisioned. But still, I am thrilled.
There are times that I think that being a foster mom isn't what I want, and I should try donor sperm, or I should try to hook up with a guy at a bar and get knocked up (just kidding) or whatever, but I keep coming back to how full my heart feels. How I am very aware of the issues related to adoption and how they will affect me and my daughter for the rest of our lives but how blessed I am to be her mom. How very very blessed.
Posted by: baggage at Apr 6, 2007 7:18:39 PM
I have read all the previous comments!
Yeah, I think I deserve some kind of recognition for that, because I never, ever do that - well most of the time anyway.
My take on adoption is kind of out of left field.
We have two bio kids and two adopted kids at our house, been almost 9 months like that.
For me, adoption wasn't something I had to come to, I was always there. I have always known that I wanted kids. Anyway that I could get them. Even after the first two, I knew I wanted more.
I knew that I could and did and do love children that are not biologically related to me.
I don't know how that might have been different if I had had infertility issues, can't and shouldn't begin to speculate.
A long time ago,I remember a family friend looking at my first baby and asking me, with a truly perplexed expression on his face - "How did you decide to have a child?".
I was stunned that he would have to choose that he wouldn't know. I was a lot younger then too.
Despite my very strong convictions about adding to my family through adoption - I still found myself deeply afraid about whether it would work out, if it was the right thing and much of the time I HATED the actual process. Invasive and bureaucratic only begins to describe it.
One good thing, because we were adopting older children domestically through our foster care system - we had to participate in a 4 wknd. long training session about what this kind of adoption was really like.
It was a great way to help decide if we thought we were really up for it.
Some of the people involved decided they weren't at all. Or weren't up for it at that time.
The kind of adoption that we opted for sounds like it is very different from domestic infant adoption.
Some of the things I can tell you is that our youngest kids want to know about their backgrounds and the wheres and whys of how they got into our family, about who we were and how we came to wanting kids, more kids and ultimately them.
um...and I have been saying we a lot in the last few paragraphs...my husband wasn't as sure about it at all. It freaked him out a lot and took him a long time to figure out if it was going to be a good fit. I knew when we entered the process that he might not ever feel it was going to be right. That was my gamble.
If he hadn't ultimately felt really good about it - that would have been the end of the line and we would have stayed with two kids and never had four.
All that and what do I think you should do?
If it feel at all right - even just a little more so than it doesn't - than think about starting some of the adoption dice rolling.
These things usually take a fair bit of time, hurry up and wait is often the name of the game.
You can and should stop the process at any time if you don't feel like it is the right one for you.
Thank you for posting.
Posted by: gawdess at Apr 6, 2007 7:56:48 PM
Julie, I started reading your blog when I was in the early, clueless stage of my first IVF experience. I am now a veteran with cancelled cycles, failed cycles and beautiful son. Thank you for sharing your experiences so honestly, they made such an impact on me and helped me through some very difficult times. Thanks also for so many great laughs, I love reading your take on the ridiculous and amazing world we live in.
This post made me think of some advice a very wise woman once gave me. All you can do is make the best decision possible with the information you have. Rarely can we know "for sure" what the right thing to do is, its always a murky mix of upsides and downsides. When the stakes are so very high, we sweat the downsides and think ourselves into paralysis. Honest, thoughtful consideration is great, but at the end of the day you've got to add it up and make a choice. This wise woman told me that once you've made the best choice you can - and that's all you can do - then you simply make it work. This very simple way of thinking about scary, complicated decisions has helped me many times. I suppose this is a long of way of answering your query - you have to make a decision, which I suspect will ultimately be based on the fun and joy of bringing a child into your life, but which may also be based on your honest and real misgivings. Having misgivings isn't the problem, its allowing them to derail the process of making a decision that is. Add it up, take the plunge and make the best decision you can, and then don't look back. Make it work, and we - your devoted friends and fans, believe that it will, whatever decision you make.
This is my very first comment post to a blog - ever. I'm sure I violated tons of blog commenting etiquette rules, but I really wanted to share this thought with you. Good luck.
Posted by: virginia at Apr 6, 2007 8:16:04 PM
Hi Julie,
I think you posed this question very well. I'm one of those people who still mourns the fact that I haven't had a bio kid, and yet, shifted fairly early in the infertility journey to adoption. One reason is that I'm single and as hard as IVF is for couples, and as much as the "just adopt" message looms for couples, it seems more so for singles.
Anyway, it's true what you suspect. I entered the adoption process not entirely over my grief, and having some doubts about my ability to bond with an adopted kid. At the same time, I have great faith that I will get the kid I was meant to have. Why? Part of it is just faith in the unknown paths our lives all take. And part is because I've talked to lots of adoptive parents, and even hung out with a bunch of them poolside in Guatemala, and I can tell you that without exception, they were all over the moon, all had the strongest sense imaginable that they got the kid they were meant to have. It was pretty amazing sitting there talking with these people who all, I had to assume, had been through a lot of infertility pain. Scratch that. Several of them had three or more bio kids and chose to adopt more kids. Still, lots of them had been through a lot of pain and disappointment, and when they got their adopted kids, it was like none of it mattered. It was sort of like a fairy tale but it was real.
So I just finished my home study with an incredibly lame social worker who didn't ask whether I drank or did drugs but had no problem sitting on my couch for two hours talking about inferility (this is the woman who gets to deem me parent material!), and I can tell you the adoption process sucks. I don't like it. I still don't like seeing pregnant women all around me, hearing birth announcements, etc. Basically, I still have a lot of pain. But gradually I am evolving. My advice to you is that the two things can exist at the same time.
You probably read it already but Oprah magazine recently did a whole section on adoption. One adoptive mother described her anxiety over her daughter meeting her bio mother and said something like this, "I wished and dreamed that I could have given birth to my own kids, but in those dreams, I still have the kids I have now." She probably said it better, but it made a lot of sense to me.
Maybe the pain of infertility does go away when you adopt a kid, and maybe it never goes away entirely. But I really think all people come to a point where they are grateful for that pain and the child it brought to them.
Posted by: anon at Apr 6, 2007 8:28:18 PM
p.s.
if you ever feel comfortable doing so, i'm sure a lot of us would love hearing about your husband's thoughts on the topic. does he share your reservations? does he also strongly want another kid?
Posted by: anon at Apr 6, 2007 9:16:35 PM
1. You love Paul
2. You love Charlie
3. You love your cats
You are only related by blood to one out of three on that list. And yet you love them all. Do you love the cats and Paul any less because you gave birth to Charlie? No, you love Paul AND Charlie AND the cats, just in completely different and unique ways. One of my friends once told me that having a kid is like getting a really good pie, and having a second kid is like being handed a whole separate new pie, just as good, but this time a different flavor.
So basically I'm telling you that adoption is like cats and pie.
The adoption process sucks. But so does pregnancy. Every adoption is different, just like every pregnancy is different. Part of your experience will be how you react to the situations you find yourself in, and part of it will be totally out of your control. Do you have to have happy bunny-foo-foo glasses on to enjoy the end result? Hell no. Do you have to work through your pain at not being pregnant again? Absolutely.
Instant bonding is rare. I have a friend who confided that she didn't bond with her bio daughter for six months. It took me five days to fall in love with Moonpie, and a full week to decide I would die for her. I am sad I didn't give birth to her because I wish I could take the questions and the doubt which she will inevitably have. I wish I could take away the year she spent alone and sad in an orphanage. But I don't for a single moment mourn the loss of a pregnancy for myself, because I'm too busy keeping her from trying to climb on top of the fridge. And she thinks she's a puppy now, for some reason, and keeps licking me, which makes it really hard to concentrate on MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and MY needs.
And that's where you have to get to, Julie. Letting go of yourself, and being ready to love a new child. If you see yourself parenting two kids, then how you get there is immaterial once you are on the other side.
Posted by: Soper at Apr 6, 2007 9:31:35 PM
I can't speak to adoption specifically, but I can tell you that I went into and through donor egg with a hauntingly similar attitude. Not all-embracing, but with feelings of doubt and the constant wish that I would somehow "fall pregnant," as women in the UK and Australia are wont to do, and thus be able to avoid the whole messy mess. That didn't happen, of course, and in the end we did the DE and I had the baby, and although I never forget that he doesn't have my genes, I can't imagine loving any child more under any circumstances.
So, I think it's OK to go ahead w/ adoption even if you are not 100% in love with the idea or process, and it's OK - more than OK - to mourn the failure of medical science to bring you another genetically related child. Even with all that, I lay very high odds that you WILL be 100% in love with the child who joins your family, and that's what counts.
Posted by: Andi at Apr 6, 2007 10:16:53 PM
oh Julie! I just a lurker who doesn't even know if she's infertile or not 'cause I'm single and have never tried. But I definitely agree with those who say that you need to take some time, and that you maybe would best back away from the whole OMG CHARLIE IS AN ONLY CHILD situation. I can tell you this - I'm six years older than my sister, and we have a better relationship than any pair of siblings I know. Everyone wants that perfect two year gap... but I think that bigger gaps make for better relationships - when you're kids you are always at such different life stages that there's no rivalry... and then you turn around and you're both grown ups and you can be friends without all that *baggage* that closer kids have. If I were you, I'd say *enough* and take a year to grieve and *relax* and then see how you feel. As far as I'm concerned, charlie and the possible second child would be better off with a few more years of distance.
Posted by: anonymous at Apr 6, 2007 10:43:09 PM
Hi Julie. I'm "LauraChi" over there on IVF Connections. I sit here thinking about your situation, and the fact that my situation was the reverse of yours. We adopted - and then by some other-worldly stroke of luck - and possibly some form of pity on behalf of the Heavens - we had a biological baby 11 months later. After almost 7 years of IVF failures, 8 pregnancy losses and no prospect of it turning out any differently we adopted our son. He is from Russia - Perm, Region. We met him when he was 10 months old and returned to the US with him when he was 14 months old.
Let me say that I was so absolutely sure that adoption wasn't for us, especially domestic open adoption, that I convinced myself to try donor eggs with my sister, after TWO YEARS of crying about making that decision. (I did become pregnant with that cycle but miscarried). Donor egg with my sister was something that I never felt right about, but did it anyway because I was even MORE sure that adoption wasn't for us.
I suppose my anxst about donor egg and adoption stemmed from the usual; will I love this child, can I love something that will always show the best and worst traits of other people but not me, how can I deal with the pain that my child will feel on some level that I am not his "real" mother, how will I deal with the loss of my genetics especially knowing I'd have to look into the face of someone else's.
One day, I couldn't take it anymore. The cycles, the stims, the losses, the questions. I've always been a risk-taker and on some level I knew that I had to trust that the end product, the child, would erase my fears. The one thing though, that I knew I could not deal with was a birth family. That never left me, so our decision was to adopt internationally.
To say that our decision was the right one is an understatement. Our son is so much our son that I sometimes forget he was not born to me. I forget. I truly do. And we have not even been home from Russia for one year yet. My love for him is complete, and real and as deep as the ocean and forever.
Two days after we got back from Russia I fell down my stairs after putting our son to bed. Had to be carried out on a stretcher into an ambulance and taken to the emergency room. Thought I broke my back or at least a few ribs. All ended up being okay...so much so that by some crazy cosmic mix-up I'm sure, I ended up pregnant two months later. I ignored it and prepared to miscarry per experience. I did not. Five weeks ago I gave birth by c-section to my perfectly healthy biological son. (But just for old-times sake, Karma made sure that the birth was difficult and they had to remove my right fallopian tube to prevent me from bleeding to death from ruptured scar tissue. Oh, that Krazy Karma. She's a hoot).
But my entire pregnancy I was scared to death. Not just about the health of the baby and the constant fear I'd lose the pregnancy, but man oh man.......would I love this one more? Would I feel differently about my adopted son? Would I? Could I? Jesus I was scared.
But Julie, honestly, I cannot believe how "no" difference it makes. I mean, I look at my bio son as a true marvel of some nature (I believe that the fall down the stairs knocked my one good egg loose and sent it frolicking down my "RIGHT" fallopian tube through the dust and cobwebs that make up my reproductive organs).
Still....there is no difference. Sure, it's interesting to see what traits my bio son is exhibiting that I may have or my husband has, who does he look like, etc. But I was unprepared to feel, well, the same as when our son became ours at the age of 14 months. They were both births for us, and my Ruskie is and always will be my firstborn. The depth of my love for both of them is no different, and I'm thankful that we adopted our son first before having our bio son because I know I'd be going through what you're going through now. The uncertainty of it all.
To end this diatribe...I guess what I'm trying to say is that few people in my life know anyone more cynical and jaded than me after our years of infertility, and many of them didn't think I'd go through with adoption because of my reservations. I just had to close my eyes, walk to the end of the plank and jump...and trust that I'd hit a nice little life-raft in the warm Carribean water instead of cement. I did. And it was the best, very best, decision I ever made.
I can't wait to watch my sons grow up together, and I can't wait to talk to them and tell them tales of their miraculous origins and how the universe conspired to bring us all together.
Your concerns are so normal, so justified and so smart. The adoption process can be grueling and suck the life out of you every bit as much as IVF.
All I can say is - jump, baby jump. Jump. Do it. Close your eyes and jump high, tilt your head back and feel the wind on your face. Take the risk. There's a life raft at the bottom with your name on it. And Paul's. And Charlie's. I swear.
Posted by: Laura at Apr 6, 2007 10:44:15 PM
