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04/20/2007

Instant message conversations with my ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor

Cycle day 1

julie:
hey.
clearblue_monitor: m!
julie:
huh?
clearblue_monitor: m!
julie:
m?
clearblue_monitor: m.  god!
julie:
what?
clearblue_monitor: wait.  hang on.  you paid 150 bucks for me and you can't be bothered to read the goddamn directions?
julie:
stop blinking at me.  i can't think when you're doing that.
clearblue_monitor: look.  i'll make this easy.  are you bleeding?  is it cycle day 1?
julie:
yes.
clearblue_monitor: then hit the "m" button and hold it down for a few seconds.
julie:
mmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmMMMMmm
clearblue_monitor: you don't have to hum while you do it.
julie:
mmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmm MMMMMMMM mmm
clearblue_monitor: especially not the flying monkeys theme from the wizard of oz.
julie:
are we done here?
clearblue_monitor: yes.
julie:
MMMMMMMM mmm!
clearblue_monitor: this job is gonna suck.


Cycle day 5

julie: hey.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie:
okay.  which end goes where?
clearblue_monitor: you know, the manual tells you.  it even has pictures.
julie:
indulge me.
clearblue_monitor: fine.  "Hold the Test Stick pointing downwards in your urine stream for 3 seconds only."  that means the spongy part goes in the pee.  the business end by your business end.
julie:
yeah, that part i got.  i mean where do i put the stick next?
clearblue_monitor: look at me.
julie:
okay.
clearblue_monitor: are you looking?
julie:
yes.
clearblue_monitor: do you see that long slot on my front?
julie:
yes.
clearblue_monitor: all right, keep looking.
julie:
okay.
clearblue_monitor: now, do you see ANY OTHER PLACE you could POSSIBLY insert a stick?
julie:
you don't have to get so snippy.
clearblue_monitor: if you're finding that difficult, the manual also gives an alternate placement option. 
clearblue_monitor: you could shove it up your asssssss.
julie:
somehow i doubt that's actually in the instructions.
clearblue_monitor: like you'd know.


Cycle day 6

julie:
hey.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie:
i did!  look!  fresh pee!
clearblue_monitor: "Holding the Test Stick by the cap with the cut corner of the Test Stick pointing downwards, put it into the Test Stick Slot."
julie:
pee for all my friends!
clearblue_monitor: jesus.  "Push the Test Stick down until it lies flat and clicks into place."
julie:
gather round, y'all!  i brought pee!  no shoving — there's plenty for everyone.
clearblue_monitor: you're not funny.  now listen: "When you have inserted the Test Stick correctly, the 'Test Stick' symbol will FLASH for 5 minutes while the Monitor reads and interprets the information in your urine."
julie:
whoa, information in my urine.
clearblue_monitor: just put it in, okay?
julie:
i wonder what it knows.
clearblue_monitor: lh and estrogen.  can i have that stick now?
julie:
okay, it's in.
clearblue_monitor: thanks.
julie:
now tell me the last five books i checked out from the library.
julie:
i bet you can't.
clearblue_monitor:
julie:
what number am i thinking of?
clearblue_monitor: i can't believe this.
julie:
WRONG!
clearblue_monitor: you can take the stick out.
julie:
it was six.  hahahaha MORON. think you're so smart.
clearblue_monitor: please just turn me off.


Cycle day 8

julie:
hey.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie:
i'd love some, thanks!  everything's better on a stick, after all.
clearblue_monitor: i am afraid to ask what you mean.
julie:
you know, like corn dogs.
clearblue_monitor: i hate this job.
julie:
pass the ketchup.


Cycle day 9

julie:
hey.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie:
soap on a rope.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie:
fun on a budget!
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie:
snakes on a plane!
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie:
motherfucking pee on a motherfucking stick.
clearblue_monitor: christ on a cracker.  just pee on a stick.


Cycle day 10

julie:
hey.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie:
paging mr. freely, mr. i. p. freely.
clearblue_monitor: you know, i reallllly dislike you.
julie:

clearblue_monitor: hey, hey, hey, we got something!
julie:
really?
clearblue_monitor: yep.  high fertility!
julie:
*chicka-bowwwwwwww*  i'm so glad you're here, mr. cable tv repairman!  i just can't seem to get the female end of my co-ax to couple properly with the male.  i wonder if you'd mind taking a goooood close look at my splitter.  *chicka-bowwwwwwww*
clearblue_monitor: oh, my god.  no wonder you're not pregnant.


Cycle day 12

julie:
hey.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie:
duly watered.
clearblue_monitor: WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP PEAK FERTILITY WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP
julie:
i'd like you better if you had some flashing red and blue lights.
julie:
and perhaps a siren.
julie:
so all my neighbors would know we were about to, you know, hit it scorpion-style.
julie:
they'd probably send over a plate of brownies.
julie:
or a houseplant.
julie:
or perhaps a flask of astroglide.
clearblue_monitor: isn't there something else you should be doing right now?
julie:
right.  right.  *chicka-bowwwwwwww*  thanks for coming so quickly, mr. plumber's helper!  i hope you brought your heavy duty snake this time.
clearblue_monitor: YOUR MONITOR CANNOT FUNCTION.  CALL THE CLEARBLUE HELPLINE.


Cycle day 27

julie:
hey.
clearblue_monitor: m!
julie:
nope.
clearblue_monitor: m?
julie:
nope!
clearblue_monitor: hmmm.
julie:
i know.
clearblue_monitor: you're probably pregnant.
julie:
nah.
clearblue_monitor: we'll discuss this later.


Cycle day 28

julie:
hey.
clearblue_monitor: m!
julie:
no!
clearblue_monitor: whoa.
julie:
i know!
clearblue_monitor: you're probably pregnant.
julie:
nah.
clearblue_monitor: you totally are.
julie:
i'm not.
clearblue_monitor: you sure?
julie: you think so?
clearblue_monitor: well, we'll talk again tomorrow.


Cycle day 29:

julie:
hey.
clearblue_monitor: m!
julie:
m.
clearblue_monitor: oooh.  bleeding?
julie:
yeah.
clearblue_monitor: not pregnant, then.
julie:
nope.
clearblue_monitor: hahahahahahahahaha i knew it.
julie:
asshole.
clearblue_monitor: HAAAAAAAhahahahahahahaha. 
clearblue_monitor: sucker.

 

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