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04/20/2007
Instant message conversations with my ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor
Cycle day 1
julie: hey.
clearblue_monitor: m!
julie: huh?
clearblue_monitor: m!
julie: m?
clearblue_monitor: m. god!
julie: what?
clearblue_monitor: wait. hang on. you paid 150 bucks for me and you can't be bothered to read the goddamn directions?
julie: stop blinking at me. i can't think when you're doing that.
clearblue_monitor: look. i'll make this easy. are you bleeding? is it cycle day 1?
julie: yes.
clearblue_monitor: then hit the "m" button and hold it down for a few seconds.
julie: mmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmMMMMmm
clearblue_monitor: you don't have to hum while you do it.
julie: mmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmm MMMMMMMM mmm
clearblue_monitor: especially not the flying monkeys theme from the wizard of oz.
julie: are we done here?
clearblue_monitor: yes.
julie: MMMMMMMM mmm!
clearblue_monitor: this job is gonna suck.
Cycle day 5
julie: hey.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie: okay. which end goes where?
clearblue_monitor: you know, the manual tells you. it even has pictures.
julie: indulge me.
clearblue_monitor: fine. "Hold the Test Stick pointing downwards in your urine stream for 3 seconds only." that means the spongy part goes in the pee. the business end by your business end.
julie: yeah, that part i got. i mean where do i put the stick next?
clearblue_monitor: look at me.
julie: okay.
clearblue_monitor: are you looking?
julie: yes.
clearblue_monitor: do you see that long slot on my front?
julie: yes.
clearblue_monitor: all right, keep looking.
julie: okay.
clearblue_monitor: now, do you see ANY OTHER PLACE you could POSSIBLY insert a stick?
julie: you don't have to get so snippy.
clearblue_monitor: if you're finding that difficult, the manual also gives an alternate placement option.
clearblue_monitor: you could shove it up your asssssss.
julie: somehow i doubt that's actually in the instructions.
clearblue_monitor: like you'd know.
Cycle day 6
julie: hey.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie: i did! look! fresh pee!
clearblue_monitor: "Holding the Test Stick by the cap with the cut corner of the Test Stick pointing downwards, put it into the Test Stick Slot."
julie: pee for all my friends!
clearblue_monitor: jesus. "Push the Test Stick down until it lies flat and clicks into place."
julie: gather round, y'all! i brought pee! no shoving — there's plenty for everyone.
clearblue_monitor: you're not funny. now listen: "When you have inserted the Test Stick correctly, the 'Test Stick' symbol will FLASH for 5 minutes while the Monitor reads and interprets the information in your urine."
julie: whoa, information in my urine.
clearblue_monitor: just put it in, okay?
julie: i wonder what it knows.
clearblue_monitor: lh and estrogen. can i have that stick now?
julie: okay, it's in.
clearblue_monitor: thanks.
julie: now tell me the last five books i checked out from the library.
julie: i bet you can't.
clearblue_monitor:
julie: what number am i thinking of?
clearblue_monitor: i can't believe this.
julie: WRONG!
clearblue_monitor: you can take the stick out.
julie: it was six. hahahaha MORON.
think you're so smart.
clearblue_monitor: please just turn me off.
Cycle day 8
julie: hey.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie: i'd love some, thanks! everything's better on a stick, after all.
clearblue_monitor: i am afraid to ask what you mean.
julie: you know, like corn dogs.
clearblue_monitor: i hate this job.
julie: pass the ketchup.
Cycle day 9
julie: hey.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie: soap on a rope.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie: fun on a budget!
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie: snakes on a plane!
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie: motherfucking pee on a motherfucking stick.
clearblue_monitor: christ on a cracker. just pee on a stick.
Cycle day 10
julie: hey.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie: paging mr. freely, mr. i. p. freely.
clearblue_monitor: you know, i reallllly dislike you.
julie:
clearblue_monitor: hey, hey, hey, we got something!
julie: really?
clearblue_monitor: yep. high fertility!
julie: *chicka-bowwwwwwww* i'm so glad you're here, mr. cable tv repairman! i just can't seem to get the female end of my co-ax to couple properly with the male. i wonder if you'd mind taking a goooood close look at my splitter. *chicka-bowwwwwwww*
clearblue_monitor: oh, my god. no wonder you're not pregnant.
Cycle day 12
julie: hey.
clearblue_monitor: pee on a stick.
julie: duly watered.
clearblue_monitor: WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP PEAK FERTILITY WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP
julie: i'd like you better if you had some flashing red and blue lights.
julie: and perhaps a siren.
julie: so all my neighbors would know we were about to, you know, hit it scorpion-style.
julie: they'd probably send over a plate of brownies.
julie: or a houseplant.
julie: or perhaps a flask of astroglide.
clearblue_monitor: isn't there something else you should be doing right now?
julie: right. right. *chicka-bowwwwwwww* thanks for coming so quickly, mr. plumber's helper! i hope you brought your heavy duty snake this time.
clearblue_monitor: YOUR MONITOR CANNOT FUNCTION. CALL THE CLEARBLUE HELPLINE.
Cycle day 27
julie: hey.
clearblue_monitor: m!
julie: nope.
clearblue_monitor: m?
julie: nope!
clearblue_monitor: hmmm.
julie: i know.
clearblue_monitor: you're probably pregnant.
julie: nah.
clearblue_monitor: we'll discuss this later.
Cycle day 28
julie: hey.
clearblue_monitor: m!
julie: no!
clearblue_monitor: whoa.
julie: i know!
clearblue_monitor: you're probably pregnant.
julie: nah.
clearblue_monitor: you totally are.
julie: i'm not.
clearblue_monitor: you sure?
julie: you think so?
clearblue_monitor: well, we'll talk again tomorrow.
Cycle day 29:
julie: hey.
clearblue_monitor: m!
julie: m.
clearblue_monitor: oooh. bleeding?
julie: yeah.
clearblue_monitor: not pregnant, then.
julie: nope.
clearblue_monitor: hahahahahahahahaha i knew it.
julie: asshole.
clearblue_monitor: HAAAAAAAhahahahahahahaha.
clearblue_monitor: sucker.
Comments (136)
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Smack that bitch up. Go ahead, nobody's looking.
Dude, firsties!
Sorry, too soon?
Sorry about your cooter.
You really had me going there for awhile. Sorry you were held hostage for a couple of days by hope.
Dude, you CANNOT make me laugh this hard while feeling so sorry about how things turned out. Very wrong.
Sorry that you're not pg and you bought the New & Improved! ClearBlue Easy Monitor Now With Even MORE Sarcasm! package.
Is it wrong that I am sitting here at work snorting & chuckling at your Monitor's attitude?
I can't wait to find out what your dishwasher has to say.
I LOVE your writing style. Love it!
Shit. Funny shit, but still: shit.
so sorry about the hope.
but at least you get the thrill of peeing on (expensive!) sticks and anticipating the odd little egg of peak fertility!
I hate that little machine too. Mine was a little bit nicer than yours but not much. I borrowed mine from a fertile friend, who had a baby and then offered it to me. After eight months, my ff was ready to try for another baby and asked for it back, rudely.
actually my friend had a baby and offered me the monitor - NOT the baby. Just so we're clear. (not Clearblue).
I felt about my monitor like I felt about the RE treatments: I liked it because I had a plan! I was doing something! Look, here I am, following a process, taking action, blah blah blah.
And I totally would have paid for a funnier monitor. (Or Monitor, as they spell it on the website with the True Clearblue Fertility Monitor Tales of Pregnancy.)
Oh, I'm sorry. But damn, this is funny.
I'm sorry about the results, but damn...that was the funniest thing I've read in a long time.
I freakin hate it when sticks and the machinery that reads them are mocking.
I love you.
LMAO!
Aw that sucks.
The IM's were too funny; for some reason they remind me of HUGHLOVESCARROTS and MaisieGirl's conversations.
So sorry about the news.
I never really thought of my monitor in this way . . . but then again, I wasn't quite so -- distractable. LOL
Thanks for the laugh and on to next month.
I think you should write to Clearblue and offer a script for voice enhancements to the monitor! (Sorry it didn't work. But at least you are able to amuse yourself.)
I used one of those way back when I was still using Clomid. Sorry for your m.
ok so I am trying to laugh silently at work... and failing...
sorry about your asshole monitor.
Too bad I didn't have a stick because that made me pee a little, I was laughing so hard.
So do you really have to put a stick, wet with pee, into a slot that presumably is too tiny to clean afterward?
But hey! "Peak fertility" -that sounds good, doesn't it?
V V funny, btw. I had the clearblue thingie down as more of a Marvin from than a girl machine though.
"from Hitchhiker's Guide"
Note to self (AGAIN): do not read Julie at work. Otherwise, you will have to come up with a reasonable excuse for the snort emanating from your cubicle. And that cocaine thing will only work so many times...
you kill me. you really make such upsetting news (sorry!) sound so hilarious.
that right there? pure brilliance in so many ways.
and listen, if your dishwasher does start talking? could you ask it what i could possibly say to my dishwasher to make it start working again? thanks. i'm usually a quick study when it comes to language, but so far appliance eludes me.
thank you ...............
I like you. You're funny.
I'm having the exact same problem as Erin.
Sorry about the results, but the telling was hilarious.
oh julie, it is very wrong to have me rolling and then stop me in my tracks so abruptly! I have read your blog for quite a while now and finally feel the need to comment. I am so sorry that you had to experience those two days of misplaced hope! I am not nearly in the same boat with you, but am trying for my first with no luck in over a year...now onto the tests and mysteries of the "assisted" pregnancy. I just wanted to say, hang in there. Neither you or I know what's in store, but I do know that I enjoy reading your posts and wanted to let you know that it puts me in my place when I think of all the other women who are currently experiencing worse heartache than me. I'm glad that we women are all able to fellowship eachother through the hard times. I just want to give you a hug and tell you everything will be fine...but I don't know that it will so you can have the hug and a little hope sent to you from me. Use it wisely.
xx
Julie -- It seems my daughter is channelling the reproductive angst of others, and it is coming out in her doodly adventures. I made a little blog entry so you can see it. Creeeepy.
PS to jc, above: In my day, at least, you took a cap off the end of the stick, peed, and replaced the cap before snapping the stick in place. So the pee-soaked part was near the monitor, but not actually in contact with it.
Jeesh, your monitor's kind of a bitch.
OMG. That was so funny!
Sorry to hear the results, it stinks. You're narration of it though - hilarious.
I don't have personal experience with the Fertility Monitor of Awesome Sarcasm, but this did remind me of my hatred for Fertility Friend - without fail, every time I log on to tell it my period started it greets me with a cheery "You may take a test, You May Be Pregnant!!!!!111!!111Eleventy." Yeah. Betcha I'm not.
Thanks for the supressed at work giggles :)
That reminds me of a favorite demotivational poster that always cheered me up somehow, or at least kept me from trying to literally drown myself in a tub of winecoolers. "God answers every prayer. Just most of the time, the answer's 'No.'"
Ah yes-- the joys of the 16-day LP.
You know, Julie, you're a lot like Nick Charles in the Dashiell Hammett novels -- you seem all well-dressed and normal and shit, but you do hang around with the most unsavory characters.
I think you need a new circle of friends -- especially ones that don't involve elaborate circuitry and the requirement that you urinate at their beck and call.
Just a suggestion, of course. You will do what you will do.
~C~
Julie - Thanks for the laughter. You had me going there for a minute. Sorry you got such bad news.
Jesus Gay, that was funny. But, sad as well. Sorry for the m., it's here, too.
Sorry the m made a monitor appearance.
Hope the monitor gets its shit together for the next time...and that it loses the m but keeps the attitude. I think it's a lovely ying to your yang.
Aww, sorry. I have to admit I'm giggling, but I'm sorry all the same.
Have to agree with the masses--so sorry, but I was laughing so hard I was snorting!
I don't know why your Clearblue doesn't find you as funny as I do. Maybe it needs to be sent back for a humor adjustment? Sorry about the M.
Sounds like an exorcism is in order. I would definately call a priest. Especially if your monitor starts oozing split-pea soup.
First--I'm sorry you had to hit that damn M button. Second--That was hella funny! This is my second month using the monitor myself. At the end of my clyle it flashed that stupid M for like 4 days!! Ughhh.