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05/02/2007
Infertilitogs
Now, I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve, or my infertility on my clothing. I prefer to share it subtly: by the occasional phlebotomy bruises on my inner elbow, the inexorable widening of my sweatpanted ass, the sudden noisy hiccuping sobs when I'm told someone else is pregnant. But a quick sally into the shops at CaféPress tells me many people feel differently. A search for infertility turns up 269 designs, and while some of them are frankly appalling, some of them are clever and even perhaps appealing, if you don't think your feral snarl upon being asked, "When are you going to make your husband a daddy?" is enough.
I spent the most time at a shop called BabyTalkin'. The products there, say the site's founder, who suffered from infertility herself, are "designed to keep women who are trying to conceive positive and motivated while they’re trying to conceive." With designs from BabyTalkin', "women struggling with fertility issues can focus on a positive state of mind which is so important while trying to get pregnant — especially under difficult circumstances."
Hmmmm.
Yeah.
I think it's a nice idea. The designs are certainly full of positive messages, I'll give you that. There's "It Only Takes One." "Fertile Thoughts." "Not Yet, But Soon." Then, to my relief, I found a few that dip a cautious toe into snarkiness: "Stop Looking at My Belly," and "Not Yet (But I'll Keep You Posted)." And predictably, because I am, as ever, a cranky, cranky bitch, there are a few that make me shudder: "Baby Dancer"? The only dancing any infertile women I know does entails hopping angrily around the room when her partner hits her sciatic nerve with a goddamned IM needle. "Pre-MILF"? Yeah, what with all the charts and thermometers and ovulation predictor kits and Clomid and catheters and needles and suppositories and bloating, why, every infertile "pre-M" is simply wild about F'ing, you C-sucking son-of-a-B. And "Preheating the Oven"? I will refrain from comment, except to say that the placement of that design and its big red arrow on CaféPress's standard thong is...unfortunate.
It is that design that inspired me — oh, come on, now, don't make that face; you knew this was coming — to create my own designs. While I appreciate and even share the expressed intent of BabyTalkin', to help women "stay motivated and upbeat while on this sometimes bumpy road to conception," I tend to go about it a little bit differently.
Item 1. Snowball's Chance
Frozen embryo, meet uterus. See you in two weeks!
Item 2. Infertile Thoughts
Maybe, just maybe, possibly, theoretically, I wonder, could I be...nnnno.
Item 3. Not Pregnant
Grease stains from drinking salad dressing straight from the bottle sold separately.
4. Everybody Dance Now
Sound effects: breaking glass, low animalistic moan, Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back"
Item 5. Stop in the Name of Love, Before I Break Your Nose
Let's not forget the men, who hurt just like the women do, and presumably are every bit as eager to advertise their own inadequacies.
Item 6. It Only Takes One
Credit cards, or mortgages, or Xanax.
So I worked through these, but then I started to feel somewhat limited by CaféPress's standard offerings. I decided it was time to think big. Why not...
...cheerful, motivational specimen cups, to show how much you care?
...Or giant cotton underpants, just right for those days when you're feeling...you know, not so fresh. (Sold in handy multi-packs.)
...Or even helpful custom-knit informational socks, so that when you're up in the stirrups your health care professional can refresh his memory of you with the quickest flicker of a glance:
I have to say I'm pretty excited about all this. Now who wants to model the thong?
Comments (107)
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Do you take credit cards. Oh wait, I don't have any available credit left since that last IVF . . . .
The Cafe Press wear is the most awful and hilarious stuff I have ever seen. I am sad that people (presumably) are buying that stuff. Maybe I should buy my lesbian partner the "ask me about my low sperm count" t-shirt?
you really are full of good ideas!
you really are full of good ideas! i especially like "Careful: she blogs"
Damn, girl, you are funny. I had no idea any of this stuff was out there. I would even consider buying some of it, if I weren't on a zero-spending campaign saving up for our next IVF. Sigh.
There is no way I'm not going into my HSG next week without wearing those special socks!
Thank. God. For. You.
I'm delurking to say:
I love your blog because you can find a way to make a serious topic hilarious.
This post is definitely in that category.
Keep up the good blogging.
:)
Oh, man. I just shot granola bar out of my nose. Those whole-grain oats sure sting.
I've got six words for ya: "MY OTHER UTERUS IS A DUGGAR".
Your boxer design made me guffaw, and I love the multi-pack of granny panties.
The only thing worse than the LOL/ROTFL type of shorthand is the too too precious, too too idiotic "baby dancing"/DH/DD/DS shorthand. That, and the identity-effacing "connorsmommy" type of username that seems to go along with the other stuff.
Jul: Ha!
I'm so innocent. For those who follow: don't worry, you can easily work out the joke in the third paragraph by googling "milf".
Bea
I think my favorite is the "he Shoots, he scores!" thong... is it SUPPOSED to be a target?
bloody brilliant. My fave is the socks. Seriously, why not start a side business to save up for whatever comes next?
LOVE them.
Though I did break down and buy the not pregnant one, because everyone at church mixed us up with another couple, or perhaps thought I was fat, and kept asking when we will have/or had our baby!
Love the Blog! :)
Can't talk... Laughing.
I must have a gross of "Not pregnant, but I sure love it..."
Did I miss a fabulous brainstorm on those new home pregnancy tests that say "pregnant" or "not pregnant"? I keep expecting you to come up with some variations on the "not pregnant" window like "fat chance" or "How many times do I have to tell you: NO" or "STOP PEEING ON ME" or even "Why don't you just adopt?"
"My other uterus is a Duggar"--HA--can we get a bumpersticker made?
dying here. tooo funny!
This really made me laugh, and I have to say, there are a few of your designs that I would proudly wear! So funny
You know I've kind of been having a real shit year and nothing gets me to even crack a smile anymore. But when I got to the socks, I couldn't help but laugh out loud.
Thanks for that.
Awesome, once again! Have you considered starting a web-based business selling some of your funny images on magnets, mugs, notes etc? You might make a little money for Charlie's college fund.
Thanks for the laughs!
I so needed that "love that you keep asking" shirt....
The socks are brilliant. You are amazing. Didn't think I could love you more, but yet, I read this and I do. Keep rockin' the free world!
I love them... especially the "careful: she blogs" on the socks. BRILLIANT.
I do think I need more snark-worthy clothing.
Of all the ways to make money....I am all for ways of funding my pursuit for children. I am not above tacky shirts!
You are amazing. Love it.
Very fucking funny! I haven't joined the masses and replied before but today I am particularly inspired. I want one! I want the "thanks for asking (you insensitive cretin)" T-shirt. My girl friend and are I just pregnant (again)after several years of infertility futility trying and trying. The joy of lesbian couples is that we can both try. I miscarried last year and now my girl is up the duff (as we say in Australia) and we waiting for the heart beat scan. So, i am in a good mood and was popping in here before heading off to obsessively google for twin hcg levels and early pregnancy signs etc. So, thank for being real! xx
Julie,
You need another version of the "x day past D&C" underwear.
The white ones are fine for newbies, who haven't the knowledge of hindsight.
I believe a vet, darling, would want them available in black or dingy gray.
xoxo
Perhaps you weren't meant to have any more children. Ever think of that???????
No, I suppose your ego would have you think otherwise.
By all means, go back to ignoring your son and continue on with your efforts. But remember, if it's not meant to be then all the trying in the world isn't going to get you what you're hopging for, so go put that in your stress pipe and smoke it.
I posted the last comment, why is it showing blank under my name "Lisa" and my post is showing up under the name of "Boulder"?
Well, Boulder didn't write it, I did!
Lisa, your name comes after the comment. And I can certainly see why you'd want to take credit for your blindingly original insight.
The regulars would know that wasn't something Boulder would say, anyway.
I'd have liked a maternity T that said, "Actually, it's not something in the water. It's something in the Follistim."
LOL! What a great start to the day.
"Stop Looking at my Poor Useless Testicles" is a great product, but I have to say, as a guy, I've always found testicles to be pretty useless.
I mean, in terms of reproduction, I get it, but really, they're just window dressing.
Also, some of us low-sperm guys have to ice our testicles daily to lower body temp - perhaps those boxers could have a slot for an icepack.
Hilarious products! I'm still waiting on the sperm/embryo/vulva snowflake quilt, though :)
I think they need a pair of boxers that says "He shoots...our RE scores a new boat!"
It is really making me worry that there are enough infertile couples out there to warrant the sales of all this merchandise. Hormones in milk and beef? pesticides?
global warming? monkey pox? Is something increasing infertility rates? Are more people willing to come forward? Or a combo of both?
And while I'm on my question asking tirade
Boulder: did you ever get the meds I sent?
Lisa: Are you for real? Or are you trying to start up your own business with shirts that say "Babies aren't in my God-plan" and "Just Adopt"?
thanks, Julie. I'm in the middle of a lupron depression, and I needed a laugh.
Lisa, you're entitled to your opinions, as am I. And in mine, coming over here and being rude, obnoxious, and judgmental about someone else's family, pain, and choices is an awful thing to do. Please go post your mean comments in your own blog.
The socks! Ha! The socks!!!
No. No way. No. No way. Holy crap. I haven't laughed this hard in a very long time.
I have been lurking around your blog for a while....though I have enjoyed every post, that one was unbelievably hilarious. Really. I want (at least!) the t-shirt.
Just in the last few days as I push my stroller through Central Park, enjoying the beautiful Cherry Blossom trees, I've been paying particular attention to the ridiculous slogans people wear on their t-shirts. For example: "Porn Star." Why, for the love of God, would anyone wear a t-shirt that says "Porn Star" on it? WHY????? And what am I going to do when one of my boys asks me, "Mamma, what's a 'Porn Star'?" I'd much rather explain "He shoots, he scores!" Hockey, son. It's what the TV announcers say when the player scores a goal.
How 'bout one that snarls "I AM relaxed - now come over here so I can rip your head off."
I actually had a friend tell me I got pregnant because I relaxed. I gently explained to her that was a v. offensive thing to say and she kept insisting. V. irritating.
You are hilarious. I was laughing out loud. Love the "Not Pregnant..." shirt. That truly applies to me. It really helps to know that others are going through the same thing as me, so please keep it up!
I think I lurve you. No, scratch that, I know I do.
Well,apparently we've heard from one of your competitors....
Have the people who say things like "maybe God doesn't want you to have more children" actually paid any attention to what we know The Big Guy has told us? Like treating each other with love and kindness is sort of the WHOLE DAMN POINT? For me, that's the most wounding comment when the news here is filled with stories of children being abused and even killed by their parents. I think it's the height of arrogance to say any of us know God's plan--we have to just do our best in the most ethical way possible and the answers will be revealed.
Sorry for such a heavy comment on such a hilarious post, but that really irked me. I do need the "not yet, but thanks for asking!" T-shirt. Does it come in kid sizes for when people keep asking my girl if she wants a baby brother or sister?
Freaking hilarious!
May I direct you to Ollie's (Mind of Olivia Drab) Cafe Press site: http://www.cafepress.com/oliviadrab .
She's got great stuff-in fact I own her "Infertile" baseball jersey and wear it with snarky pride.
Also, Lisa-
Go fuck yourself. I hope your ovaries shrivel up and die and that you can't adopt.
I know, that's mean, but I'm feeling that way today.
I want the "Not pregnant yet..." t-shirt.
OMG that's freakin' brilliant. Honestly, woman, you should be makin' money off this stuff.
I'm sorry that it's had to come from such a rough and sad place in your heart, but thank you for continually being so creative and such a wonderful writer.
Love. the. socks.
I may have the perfect carb-loaded, pio-lumped heinie for modeling the thong for you. I think the RE thought I'd slipped a gear when I started cracking up at her instructions to "avoid exercising from transfer to beta." Avoid exercising? You mean I was supposed to have been exercising while on stims with the 20 pound ovaries?
Love all the designs. You'll let us know when they're available for purchase, right?
Jesus jumped up Christ in a handbasket you have proven to be a genius once again.
You are amazing.