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07/21/2007
!
This morning I picked up my latest batch of records from my local clinic. They came discreetly sealed in a plain brown envelope, but it was so hard to resist tearing into it as I sat in my car in the parking garage that it might as well have been marked, "ALL THE PROOF YOU NEED ABOUT THAT WHOLE REGRETTABLE GRASSY KNOLL AFFAIR, A DAMNING LITTLE THING OR TWO THAT MIGHT HAVE ESCAPED THE MEDIA'S ATTENTION ABOUT THE 2004 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, AND THREE DOZEN NAKED PICTURES OF ALAN RICKMAN, QUITE TASTEFUL, I ASSURE YOU, BUT, YES, COMPLETELY NAKED AND MOREOVER FULLY DEPLOYED."
And I sat there, seat belt buckled, key in ignition, trying to figure out why this hefty packet felt so exceptionally compelling. Nothing in my file is news, after all. It wasn't like I was going to page through the stack and suddenly understand why things kept going wrong, or notice the one critical condition that could have made a difference. And though I'm certain I'm so well loved that every dot over every i in my file had been replaced with a plump and curvy little heart, I am equally sure every one of them was effaced with Wite-Out before the Xeroxing began. Oh, I know exactly how these things work.
Because apparently I'm all about discipline, I waited until this evening to open the envelope and spread out the papers, hoping to organize them for Tuesday's consultation. I flicked through them quickly. Although I was baffled to see that my diagnosis changed wildly from cycle to cycle — first endo, then endo/male factor, then endo/male factor/diminished ovarian reserve, then male factor/tubal, and finally patient unwittingly defiled tomb of vengeful Eighteenth Dynasty Pharaoh/ineradicable mummy's curse — most of it corresponded pretty closely with what I remember. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing to catch the eye.
Oh, except for this. On the stim sheet for yet another crappy cycle, the one where my E2 measured a thrilling 13 after 6 days of meds, a note in loopy script announced, "Cycle Cancelled." But that was not the surprise. No, it was this note, hilariously juxtaposed with the cancellation notice:
As if it were somehow astonishing. I think the exclamation point is a nice touch. Of course, I'd like it even better if it ended with a little heart instead of a boring old dot.
Posted by Julie at 11:02 PM in Notes from astride the stirrups | Permalink
Comments (47)
All that's missing is the frowny face. :(
Posted by: Mickey at Jul 21, 2007 11:22:13 PM
Wait, was Nelson on staff at the clinic?
Posted by: Orange at Jul 21, 2007 11:38:36 PM
This just made me want SO BAD to see what they wrote in my notes.
Posted by: Natalie at Jul 21, 2007 11:49:06 PM
I'm sorry, what was that? I blacked out after reading the words THREE DOZEN NAKED PICTURES OF ALAN RICKMAN.
Posted by: Beth at Jul 21, 2007 11:57:18 PM
Nice. A perky and fertile medical assistant, no doubt. When I got my copies I smirked as I read things referencing my conversations such as, "Strongly insisted upon ____", "Against directive, discontinued ____". Don't mess with a repeat customer. Yo.
Posted by: CathyY at Jul 22, 2007 12:20:00 AM
Serves you right for choosing a clinic with a medical assistant named Candi.
~C~
Posted by: Catharine at Jul 22, 2007 12:39:20 AM
Can we please have a change of masthead for a while? That is one notation crying out for exploitation. (Makes one wonder if she knows about the blog, doesn't it?)
My file was so large they could not close the butterfly clasp, and I barely made it around the corner before I was tearing in to it and reading aloud to my husband. I was shocked at how much cognitive dissonance I experienced in the all too long car ride home.
Oh, and for the record? My psych evaluator may still kiss my left tit. Bitch.
Posted by: Boulder at Jul 22, 2007 3:44:43 AM
They sounded downright chipper about it, with that little '!' .Bastards.
Posted by: jodi at Jul 22, 2007 6:29:30 AM
I often use exclamation points/frowny faces/etc. like that about patient info... of course, generally it's to myself, on scrap paper. Having said that, to me, the exclamation point on that one seems more of a "How about that crap!" than a "Whee!"
After all, most of us in the health professions are rooting for good outcomes for our patients.
Posted by: Sara at Jul 22, 2007 8:11:04 AM
I presume that if you ever DID find a package full of nude Rickman shots, you would be so kind as to share, correct?
I couldn't resist ripping open my records too. I find it fascinating what a doctor or nurse writes about you that he/she doesn't say out loud. The part that got me the most was the d&c notes. That read like the post-Katrina destruction notes.
Posted by: Ollie at Jul 22, 2007 10:15:45 AM
I would give anything to see my old file. I think the "!" makes it sound like they are exasperated too.
Posted by: Heather at Jul 22, 2007 10:16:52 AM
At my first OB visit of my last pregnancy, the new nurse asked me to go over my history of pregnancies. I refused, telling her I just wasn't up to it emotionally, and it was all in my chart if she needed to know. I heard her complaining about me to the other nurses. I hate to see what she wrote in my chart.
Good luck as you go forward.
Posted by: Jill at Jul 22, 2007 10:55:08 AM
Rickman.
(gurgle)
Rickman.
(me brain no work anymore)
Posted by: jennyg at Jul 22, 2007 10:58:48 AM
The phrase "fully deployed" is what made me come to a full stop.
My favorite line in my file: "Informed patient of negative beta. Administered emotional support."
Posted by: Mellie at Jul 22, 2007 12:01:01 PM
I always piss off the nurses - they drop my file, or that of my medically weird and demanding son, into the little slot outside the door and I bounce up and pull it out and start reading through it. Sometimes I still have it when the doctor (finally) shows up. Don't know why they want it - the doctors never actually read anything. They must all need to process information aurally. How did they get through their exams on paper?
My favorite notation was from the orthodontist at my son's craniofacial team. He noted, with a smiley face, that I had brought them a cake. Damn straight. My son gets extra attention that way. I am not above bribery in medical situations.
Posted by: Cris at Jul 22, 2007 1:44:42 PM
Oh, I meant to add - I totally loved this post. You are an excellent writer and I enjoy your work. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Posted by: Cris at Jul 22, 2007 1:47:25 PM
Am I the only one who had to Google Alan Rickman to find out who he was? (Now that I know, please, please, keep the nudie shots to yourself.)
I got hold of my med records and dug through looking for surprises as well. The only thing that surprised me was that there seemed to be no record of my first three cancelled IVF cycles, and that the remaining pages were woefully disorganized and short on information. Kind of makes me wonder if I was receiving the right care, ya know?
Posted by: kristylynne at Jul 22, 2007 4:15:41 PM
Kristylynne - uh no, you are not alone. Now that I also know who he is, I never want to see him naked. *bleck*
Best of luck to you on Tuesday. I can't WAIT to hear how it goes!!!!
Posted by: Incognito at Jul 22, 2007 4:55:06 PM
I really like Alan Rickman, but I think I stopped fancying him about 20 years ago...
Posted by: katie at Jul 22, 2007 4:56:01 PM
I think the loopy writing has some value to ponder, also. Its a bit breezy, a bit "pay no heed to the crushing of a woman's spirit" with an exclamation at the end.
Alan Rickman doesn't scrub up too badly sans clothes from the semi-clothed scenes I recall of him - I just can't help thinking of him as a ghost (Truly Madly Deeply), that would put the kybosh on the offer of nudity being exciting!
Posted by: jeanie at Jul 22, 2007 7:03:05 PM
Alan Rickman still probably looks better naked than I do, so I'd totally look if you had 'em, Julie.
Stupid exclamation point.
Posted by: Patty at Jul 22, 2007 8:09:56 PM
Not pregnant! As in how could that possibly be?
Posted by: maggie at Jul 22, 2007 8:32:08 PM
Actually, they show Alan Rickman in Dogma without pants on. Of course he's missing a penis...
Posted by: Crystal at Jul 22, 2007 11:05:01 PM
"And though I'm certain I'm so well loved that every dot over every i in my file had been replaced with a plump and curvy little heart, I am equally sure every one of them was effaced with Wite-Out before the Xeroxing began."
Well, that explains something I've been wondering about since the first time I saw my medical records. I assume this is a universal practice and applies to notations such as "She's my very most favorite patient."
If any of the staff had perkiness tendencies, they kept it well hidden, and thank goodness for that. I like some of the kinder interpretations, but the combination of curly middle school handwriting and the exclamation point? Meh.
Posted by: Slim at Jul 23, 2007 7:21:07 AM
My doctor showed me the report from the D&C when I went to the follow up visit. I almost passed out when I read the description of the COLOR of the thing that was supposed to be my baby...
Posted by: Joni at Jul 23, 2007 10:11:10 AM
Alan Rickman? Really, Julie? This early on a Monday?
I think if I ever change careers, go to med school, and become a doctor, I will end every comment with an exclamation point and/or an emoticon... D & C! :( omg that like so totally sucked....
Posted by: mfk at Jul 23, 2007 1:08:56 PM
I think you should put a sticky next to it reading, "NO SHIT!!"
And also...
Alan...Rickman... *drool*
The great thing about him is, his voice will always be as incredibly droll and sexy in the dark, no matter how old he gets.
Posted by: SarahD at Jul 23, 2007 4:32:18 PM
Stupid perky people.
Sexy Alan Rickman.
Posted by: Wacky Mommy at Jul 23, 2007 10:23:11 PM
Alan Rickman? Really! In a post titled !
?!?!?
I was SO mad when I saw my chart after I "fired" my OBGYN for saying "we wash our hand of you, now you must see an RE." Gee, thanks.
Posted by: tbonegrl at Jul 23, 2007 11:06:38 PM
We got an irate phone call once from a woman, angry that her cat's chart contained "very little medical information." Well, duh. We saw the cat ONCE. The next five pages were all about her daily phone calls and the receptionist's attempts to explain that we actually had to see the cat before we could tell her what was causing the lump on the cat's leg. The final notation was a nice note from my boss, where she told the woman we'd be glad to forward her chart along as soon as she found another vet.
Posted by: Christine at Jul 24, 2007 11:32:57 AM
A little exasperated huh?
Posted by: Manda at Jul 24, 2007 11:54:41 AM
I love reading my medical record - love looking back and seeing things like why I walked around with an ectopic pregnancy for months without anyone knowing it was ectopic.
Handwritten notes from my OB/GYN's office:
6/14: HCG 390.5
6/17: no evidence IUP (intrauterine pregancy) on sonogram.
6/22: Pt states positive pregnancy test in May however had period in June. HCG: 2056.
6/23: Pt will repeat HCG to see if quant rising. If above 4000 will order sono.
What, to see if the fetus magically squooze itself into the uterus?
They may as well have written "Pt clearly an idiot with no idea when she became pregnant."
Plus I called the OB in early June complaining of right-sided abdominal pain and that I conceived in May and thought I may be having an ectopic and she told me..I still laugh...that I "ovulated twice" and became pregnant in June and was just wrong about my conception date and that's why the HCGs were low.
I wonder if the medical people re-read their own notes after a fuck-up and find them as frightening as the patient.
You mean the guy who had that cologne out a while ago called "Ejaculate" or "Hard On" or something like that? That Alan Rickman? That's just wrong.
Posted by: Marcy at Jul 24, 2007 2:42:02 PM
Marcy, that was Alan Cumming. And his cologne was called Cumming. Tee hee!
Posted by: Beth at Jul 24, 2007 3:52:07 PM
At least she didn't write: "Pregnant. NOT!"
Before you take it in to the consultation, you really need to find a pen that matches and scrawl "OMG! So totally" at the beginning of the not pregnant part.
Posted by: electric boogaloo at Jul 24, 2007 10:29:06 PM
Damn, and I thought the digital pregnancy tests saying it hurt!
Posted by: scissorbill at Jul 25, 2007 9:53:50 AM
I'd love to see my chart, too. After losing a baby at about 6 weeks I was very fortunate to get pregnant again right away. I was a NERVOUS WRECK for the entire pregnancy. I would call the doctor's office at every change in symptom. I'm sure the nurses thought I was absolutely pathological. It should be required that all OB nurses should be mothers so they can have some remote speck of sympathy.
Oh, and Alan Rickman? Girl, I like the way you think! If you do ever find any photos like those, please be sure to share.
Posted by: Leandra at Jul 25, 2007 12:13:02 PM
Alan Rickman in the air....I've been downloading interviews just to hear that throaty voice. Ugh. He kills me.
Posted by: fisherwife at Jul 25, 2007 7:59:54 PM
I'm always very curious about the notes written about me in my medical files....very very curious.
...it all reminds me of an episode of Seinfeld that is actually hazy in my memory...but I would swear that there is an episode of Seinfeld about notes written in the medical record....
Posted by: Lainey-Paney at Jul 26, 2007 7:31:13 PM
Yeah, I think Elaine got "fired" by her doctor because she didn't like what he wrote in her chart.
Posted by: susan at Jul 26, 2007 10:16:03 PM
It's great to see so many Alan Rickman fans. He's been on my mind since the latest HP movie came out. Not enough Snape!
I've been collecting my medical records lately, and they're all both oddly fascinating and basically uninformative. But it helps new docs take me seriously!
Posted by: Anne at Jul 26, 2007 10:39:33 PM
Mmmmmm! Naked Alan Rickman pictures! Man is he hot for an older man! I met him recently when he came to Urbana for Ebertfest, he's really tall in person!
Posted by: Krystal at Jul 27, 2007 9:45:38 AM
Hola faretaste
mekodinosad
Posted by: AnferTuto at Jul 27, 2007 4:11:43 PM
Marcy, re"...I wonder if the medical people re-read their own notes after a fuck-up and find them as frightening as the patient...", well, yeah. I work in ICU we have the marvellous benefit of hindsight (otherwise known as 'the retrospectoscope') where we look through a patient's medical record and it looks alarmingly clear that the patient was going down the gurgler many hours or even days before they hit us, and, yes, it sometimes *is* frightening. Other times it's just, well, yes, it was considered but another, more common explanation (for the patient's condition) was diagnosed.
On another note, I've never used love hearts instead of dots, maybe I shold start :) but then again we tend to get told off for even writing in blue ink "because it isn't legal" (bullshat). I tend to keep my subjective comments about patients to things like "delightful gentleman", "somewhat upset", "worried +++", but I have been known to write things like "fully with it" to indicate my older patients aren't demented.
Posted by: jen at Jul 30, 2007 8:37:35 PM
Ummm, can you send ME those pics of Alan Rickman? Pretty-please?!?!
Posted by: Dara at Jul 31, 2007 10:43:32 AM
LOL to Natalie's comment about blacking out after reading your description of Alan Rickman's pictures. I also had a moment. But I remember listening to one of his interviews where he mentioned that actors who get too involved in these adulations tend to "disappear up their own orifices."
Which of course made me love him even more.
That having been said, the psychic part of me senses that all of your wishes will come true. Keep us informed!
Posted by: dottee at Sep 6, 2007 10:34:07 PM
What happens now?!
Posted by: Emily at Oct 6, 2007 4:32:54 AM
This is the best story what I heared!
Posted by: Sunflowerwolf at Mar 16, 2008 9:08:25 AM
