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07/11/2007
Summer squash
This weekend I had a mammogram as part of my routine pre-cycle testing. (I called on Friday to schedule it. I was told, "You can either come in October, or come tomorrow." And although there was hardly time to shave my legs and choose a cute outfit for it, I took the Saturday slot.) Because I'm, you know, a giver, I thought I would share the experience with you.
The first thing I want to tell you is that it didn't hurt, not one bit, so if you're putting off your own mammogram for fear of pain, do not delay on that score. I am told it can be more uncomfortable for women with small- to average-sized breasts, as shown to scale in the model below...
...but for those of us who are more bounteously endowed, it is not a problem.
(It helps to schedule your mammogram when you are neither pre-menstrual nor post-menstrual, and neither pre-ovulatory nor post-ovulatory, aaaaand neither menstruating nor ovulating, so do check your calendar carefully.)
For the models used in this recreation, I want to give credit to Julia, whose Play-Doh chromosomes are the very exemplar of the genre. Uh, the genre of using colorful modeling clay to describe reproductive concepts or procedures, I mean. While the field is not broad, it is hotly competitive.
With my models I have striven for true-to-life accuracy. Why, the model of my own breast is practically trompe l'oeil.
If the colors seem a bit off, you should probably adjust your monitor.
But back to the mammogram. I was asked to undress from the waist up and don a pink-ribbon-printed smock that opened down the front.
I was pleased to see that improvements to mammography equipment mean that you're no longer required to place your breast directly on a hard and frigid plate.
Instead, the technician will adhere a disposable foam pad, which looks a lot like a mouse pad, to the machine for your added comfort.
If you are modest, you may find it upsetting to have a stranger manipulate you in such an intimate way, manhandling your bosom into the right position and adjusting the rest of your body into the correct stance.
Hello, stranger!
...But if you are a veteran of ART, this will probably seem like no special intrusion.
Your breast will be settled carefully under a transparent plate to produce a clear, symmetrical image.
The plate will be marked with crosshairs to assure exact placement — a target, if you will.
Now comes the squash. The technician will adjust the machine by hand to yield maximum compression.
And I do mean maximum.
Do yourself a favor: While this is going on, don't look.
Now repeat for two views of each breast, each requiring a different contortion and an additional feeling up by your benevolent stranger — your racktation consultant, if you will.
That's it. Easy. Uneventful.
If you are me, however, you will make your escape only to be pursued down the hospital corridor by the technician...
...who will apologetically inform you that she needs to take more pictures. You will endure a thousand split-second deaths until such time as she reveals the reason for the additional images: Your breasts are so ridiculously big that upon compression, they oozed out of the field of view, where they were obscured by your name.
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OMG, dyin' here.
That was unreal. I'm still laughing.
That was just so funny.
I always enjoy your visual aides!
Since my mastectomy 12 years ago it's amazing how much time I save during my mammogram!
I'm not large-breasted, and mammograms don't significantly hurt. A little bit, very little. Just wanted to throw that in for any not-"endowed" women who are thinking they should skip their mammogram because they are pain averse. The weirdest part is having a strange woman handle my breasts like a slab of dough, which is not a good reason to skip it. Feels weird. Not bad, just weird. And it's cold. We can put a man on the moon... why can't they make machinery that's warmed to room temperature?
Applause! Applause! Clapclapclapclap!
That was the best mammography educational video I have ever seen. That must win some award or something.
fan-frickin-tastic!
Now you will know why I will be laughing during my mammogram tomorrow and the technician won't! I expect my flattened tissue will be beyond normal visual fields as well.....More importantly, how will I ever explain the plastic cow in my pocket?
Thanks for the laughs. Those are great models! :)
Hysterical. And you've inspired me to go ahead and make my mammogram appointment. Though in the "target" picture, I'm worried about where the rest of me is. How is it possible for the all-seeing eye to be pointing upward into the plate? I don't bend that way.
Goodness. I bet my breasts will overflow when I get squished in 2 weeks. Maybe I should bring some playdoh with me....?
Julie,
Awesome.
Only YOU could make mammograms funny!
Now, I want a little parity here--if WE have to get our boob squished for "the sake of our health" _I_ want my husband to have to get HIS cajones squished for medical reasons too! (Dammit.)
I can't get over the toy anvil.
Oh Julie, you crack me up...
You are so funny. I'm laughing out loud at work.
Please tell me you laughed your ass off as you added toy after toy to the "compression" model. It can't just be me....
OMG, too funny! Thanks for the visual aids.
So glad I checked your site today. Thanks for the much needed laugh.
I just had my first mammogram last week. I have decided that there's an international plot to make young women scared to death of mammograms. I'm not really sure why. Either that, or my trip to the gyno two weeks ago where she completely maimed me (I was gushing blood for two days after that) has increased my pain threshold. But the only painful part for me was the wait. I had to sit in a room with women talking about plastic surgery while watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire. That's my idea of a good time.
I too feel like Godzilla when I'm asked to put on a paper gown! I thought it was just me!
*note to self* Do not read Julie's blog at work while drinking iced tea. Will cause choking as you inhale said tea while laughing out loud.
As soon as I can breathe/talk again, I have some explaining to do to my co-workers who were ready to do the Heimlich maneuver!
Several years ago (my mid 20's) I had some breast pain and my gyn scheduled me for a mammogram. I'm barely a B-cup, and they really had to work to get some breast tissue on that machine. Then they squished the heck out of it, many many many times.
Turns out the reason you have mammograms much later in life is because a young woman's breast tissue is so thick, it's difficult to detect anything. At all. Which of course was the case with my mammogram.
So I had my tiny breasts painfully squished by a stranger and a machine FOR NOTHING.
I did get a giggle out of the scale of my breast to your toy cow, though. And the compression ratio of toys to breast looks about right to me.
Just f*ing hilarious. God I needed that.
Clearly, I really need to have more fun with playdough. The extent of our creativity around here is to recreate Barney using the purple playdough, over and over again.
Bravo! And glad to hear that nothing alarming was found.
I KNEW the flat Play-Doh breast was coming, but still I laughed out loud when I saw it. Hilarious!
Ahhhh....it's all so clear now! Actually, being overly endowed myself, your description *did* help to ease some of my fears about having a mamogram.
God, I love your visual aids!
Glad I wasn't in the middle of drinking my tea! You crack me up. I actually have to go in for a mammogram and I am in the itty-bitty-titty club.
lol so i've been reading your blog for awhile now and have never commented but this was freakin hilarious and I just had to thank you for the lovely visual demonstration you've provided your readers!
That was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I am facing breast reduction surgery, probably soon, to save my back and neck - can I borrow your props to do a post afterwards? ;)
I laughed so hard that I cried. Thank you for this, Julie. I've been having some anxiety about my upcoming mammogram - you've entirely fixed that up for me.
I think I just peed a little.
If P wakes up from his exceedingly-rarely-taken nap because I'm laughing too much, I'm blaming you.
I have been reading your blog for a while, since googling all sorts of IF stuff due to our own lovely IF situation. I've just been lurking. But now I have to comment. You are hilarious. That post, with its illustrations, was totally hilarious. For once I am glad I am not a little bit more pregnant because I would surely be peeing my pants.
So very funny! I'm so happy to have found your blog.
I haven't thought about it before but now I'm wondering how in world they will be able to get a picture of my less-than-an-A-cups?! Nothing to squish. . .
You made my day. LOL
That was probably one of the funniest things I've ever seen... I'm busting out laughing here at work, but really can't tell them WHY...
You are HILARIOUS but I'm still not getting a mammogram. My doctor told me to skip it because "it hurts and there's no evidence that it improves the odds of beating breast cancer."
I too am a 'victim' of being overly voluptous and having my name get in the way of an accurate view.
Loved the visuals!!
Thanks! I needed that since my very first mam is coming up within the next couple of months. Now I am SO ready!
Wow, I can hardly wait.
That is funny. And as a 34F, I'm really pleased they don't give mammograms at my age in the UK!
HILARIOUS!! Just had a mammo a couple of weeks ago. Now can you do one for a biopsy please? That's something that SERIOUSLY requires an injection of humor!
Very clever post with wonderful pictures!
MUCH needed laughs. Thanks again, Julie.
That would be so cool to have purple nipples.
I'm a AA cup, and I have to say that it has never hurt my tiny twins to have mammograms. I just load the girls up, get mashed, and I'm on my way without looking back.
I thought I was the only one who lost all sense of decorum due to infertility. I got to a point where I would have dropped my pants for a stranger, with my only question being whether I could leave on my socks.
Priceless. I laughed my ass off.
And she's right, they don't hurt. It's all a conspiracy. When I went for my first mammography at age 36 for a suspicious lump, I sat all gowned up in the holding pen with a dozen little old ladies. They all snickered at me, until one of them finally said "Dearie, you must be a rookie."
I had my gown opening to the back.
Snort.
Confirms what I suspected about mammograms.
Let's face it, a pap smear is no picnic either....
You rip, girl. This is hilarious!
I had a baseline mammogram at 35 and they liked my rack so much they must have taken 50 pictures, and then called me back for more several weeks later. So, having had my 3rd mammogram to celebrate my 41st birthday, I was shocked and suspicious when they only took two of each boob. Fine. Grope the hell out of the 35-year-old, but chase the ancient death crone out of the office like a plagued rat!
I must say I'm envious of the the pads you mention, AND the pretty half-gowns. I'm still stuck with the effing straight plexiglass and schoolboy blue gown. Next time I go in there, I'll have to see if they have a suggestion box.
I am an asshole for laughing at Boo.
And I want "ancient death crone" printed on a T-shirt.