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Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your professional sphere is unusually active this month when a younger colleague approaches you with news of an exciting new project.  Meditate carefully on your options: temporarily assuming her responsibilities and doing your very best to undermine her credibility while she's on maternity leave, or whirling around with a whispered apology, stumbling off to the bathroom, and locking yourself in a stall to sob silently over her news in private.  Make the most of this opportunity when it comes; it appears that the next co-worker to announce a pregnancy won't do so for at least another two weeks.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You are in a heightened state of receptiveness this month.  Open your mind to the myriad possibilities, and devote your powers of perception to a search for meaning in the everyday.  If you study the signs closely enough, with a spirit of positivity, harmony, and calm, you may just find that the universe is aligning itself perfectly for…oh, wait, no, sorry.  That cramping wasn't implantation, after all.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You're totally thinking twins this month, right, Gemini?  Yeah.  Okay.  Well.  You know, good luck.  Let me know how that works out for you, huh?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Unexpected revelations from the distant past play a key role in this month's forecast.  A loved one's secret comes to light at last and may jeopardize your hard-won equilibrium, to say nothing of your upcoming homestudy.  Careful negotiation can save the day if you confront the problem with creativity, and your loved one with understanding, and your social worker with a bribe.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

When he learns you are facing difficulties, an acquaintance will extend a generous offer that could make your dreams come true.  Don't let your pride cause you to reject it out of hand; instead consider the possibilities.  As a Leo, you seek honor, and there is no shame in letting some guy you just met yesterday at a pick-up basketball game impregnate your wife.  As he rightly points out, you're not getting the job done.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Participate joyfully in the symphony of the universe: Virgo's characteristic love of music will serve you well this month.  Keep a melody close at all times so that when you're faced with ignorant advice-givers and you feel the need to clap your hands over your ears and bellow, "LA LA LA LA LA I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU," at least it'll sound kind of pretty.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Normally your questing mind is your greatest asset, but this month your unquenchable curiosity could shake your precarious sense of inner peace.  Too cryptic for you?  Okay, look, I'll spell it out: Stop Googling "low beta success stories."  You'll just make yourself even crazier.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The last week of the preceding month was one of unproductive turbulence and impotent anger.  Now it's time to channel that rage into action.  Turn your frustration into power, Scorpio.  Unleash your ferocity!  Make your keyboard clack really loudly as you post potentially slanderous accusations about your fertility clinic all over the Internet.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The punishing stress you've been subjected to over the last several months could finally begin to subside this month if you take the initiative to help it along its way.  Focused meditation, guided imagery, and positive visualization could all play a role in your bid to soothe your troubled spirit.  The obvious benefit?  A calmer, more centered you, better able to face the challenges ahead.  The possible bonus?  Well, I knew a couple who'd been trying and trying for years, and once they gave up and just relaxed...

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Something you cherish with every particle of your soul will be lost this month.  But don't feel too bad; there was probably something wrong with it, anyway.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb 18)

When the moooon is in the seventh house, and Jupiterrrr ali-hiigns with Mars, then peeeeace will gui-iide thuh-huh plaa-haaaa-aaanets, and looo-hooove will steer the stars.   Ah, but not even then will you be pregnant.  Now how's that for mystic crystal revelation, Starshine?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Romance could be afoot when an intriguing stranger approaches with a good line and an irresistible invitation.  Don't rule out the possibility that the middle of the month might find you welcoming his advances — his attentions could take you to places you've only ever dreamed of.  And try not to leap off the table when he stabs you in the ovary with that ultrasound probe, huh?  Love hurts.