« Would have wanted | Main | If I should die before they take »
09/12/2007
Scopes
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your professional sphere is unusually active this month when a younger colleague approaches you with news of an exciting new project. Meditate carefully on your options: temporarily assuming her responsibilities and doing your very best to undermine her credibility while she's on maternity leave, or whirling around with a whispered apology, stumbling off to the bathroom, and locking yourself in a stall to sob silently over her news in private. Make the most of this opportunity when it comes; it appears that the next co-worker to announce a pregnancy won't do so for at least another two weeks.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You are in a heightened state of receptiveness this month. Open your mind to the myriad possibilities, and devote your powers of perception to a search for meaning in the everyday. If you study the signs closely enough, with a spirit of positivity, harmony, and calm, you may just find that the universe is aligning itself perfectly for…oh, wait, no, sorry. That cramping wasn't implantation, after all.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You're totally thinking twins this month, right, Gemini? Yeah. Okay. Well. You know, good luck. Let me know how that works out for you, huh?
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Unexpected revelations from the distant past play a key role in this month's forecast. A loved one's secret comes to light at last and may jeopardize your hard-won equilibrium, to say nothing of your upcoming homestudy. Careful negotiation can save the day if you confront the problem with creativity, and your loved one with understanding, and your social worker with a bribe.
Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
When he learns you are facing difficulties, an acquaintance will extend a generous offer that could make your dreams come true. Don't let your pride cause you to reject it out of hand; instead consider the possibilities. As a Leo, you seek honor, and there is no shame in letting some guy you just met yesterday at a pick-up basketball game impregnate your wife. As he rightly points out, you're not getting the job done.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Participate joyfully in the symphony of the universe: Virgo's characteristic love of music will serve you well this month. Keep a melody close at all times so that when you're faced with ignorant advice-givers and you feel the need to clap your hands over your ears and bellow, "LA LA LA LA LA I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU," at least it'll sound kind of pretty.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Normally your questing mind is your greatest asset, but this month your unquenchable curiosity could shake your precarious sense of inner peace. Too cryptic for you? Okay, look, I'll spell it out: Stop Googling "low beta success stories." You'll just make yourself even crazier.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The last week of the preceding month was one of unproductive turbulence and impotent anger. Now it's time to channel that rage into action. Turn your frustration into power, Scorpio. Unleash your ferocity! Make your keyboard clack really loudly as you post potentially slanderous accusations about your fertility clinic all over the Internet.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The punishing stress you've been subjected to over the last several months could finally begin to subside this month if you take the initiative to help it along its way. Focused meditation, guided imagery, and positive visualization could all play a role in your bid to soothe your troubled spirit. The obvious benefit? A calmer, more centered you, better able to face the challenges ahead. The possible bonus? Well, I knew a couple who'd been trying and trying for years, and once they gave up and just relaxed...
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Something you cherish with every particle of your soul will be lost this month. But don't feel too bad; there was probably something wrong with it, anyway.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb 18)
When the moooon is in the seventh house, and Jupiterrrr ali-hiigns with Mars, then peeeeace will gui-iide thuh-huh plaa-haaaa-aaanets, and looo-hooove will steer the stars. Ah, but not even then will you be pregnant. Now how's that for mystic crystal revelation, Starshine?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Romance could be afoot when an intriguing stranger approaches with a good line and an irresistible invitation. Don't rule out the possibility that the middle of the month might find you welcoming his advances — his attentions could take you to places you've only ever dreamed of. And try not to leap off the table when he stabs you in the ovary with that ultrasound probe, huh? Love hurts.
Comments (47)
Verify your Comment
Previewing your Comment
This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.
As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.
Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.
As I read further and further into the calendar, I wondered - "will my Capricorn horiscope be on target?" and it was! I AM a recurrant miscarrier and there WAS something wrong with the embryos! And to think I never gave astrology much credence. ;-)
You are hilarious and do such a good job at getting all the little details that drive infertiles nuts. Thank you for brightening my day!
I'm a libra, and you got me dead on too. Okay, I'll stop, I'll stop!
(Hey you should totally be Miss Cleo!)
I'm a Capricorn, and that "thing" better not be my dossier on the way to Ethiopia. Of course, if there's something wrong with it anyway...
Hilarious.
Delurking Gemini here to say I was totally thinking twins, but since you thought of it first I don't want to do it anymore.
I'm a Scorpio, but I have no scathing fertility clinic stories. From a legal standpoint, may I substitute my bank or local postal facility instead?
Please respond as soon as possible, as my keyboard is longing to clack.
~C~
Julie, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for my last comment if it seemed like an attack on you. Sue discussed it with me and told me that it came across that way to her. If it seemed like that to her, it could have seemed like that to you, too.
I was trying to say, "women who make sensitive, difficult decisions with respect to planning their families should first be informed, and then supported, by their doctors." I will try to choose my words more carefully next time.
you are brilliant and I want to have your babies. wait, that came out wrong... ;)
As I read this I wondered what you would do for us Caps. You hit the nail on the head. I'm miscarrying NOW. Something beloved for sure.
I am a Sagitarius and I AM stressed out and I found out on Monday that our IUI try #2 did not work. And if one more person tells me to JUST RELAX I am going to rip their head off.
So true...
I don't usually trust horoscopes, but this is uncanny.
As a Virgo, I have to say this horoscope is a couple of days late. Not that I'm admitting to overreacting to the well meaning but clueless in the recent past...
very funny! I am a Cap & I am totally losing my sanity...must have been something wrong with it. These are way more fun than my beloved astrologyzone.
Jesus, woman - when they were handing out talent, you obviously used your trickster coyote ways and took ALL of it. You're amazing.
amazing apparently I was born under at least three signs
Hilarious! I'm a Gemini but twins wouldn't be my first choice if I could help it. Then again, nothing is really in my control anyway so what the heck.
Brilliant!
I can't get past the pick-up basketball game.
I'm a capricorn and after reading that I suppose I should stop blog reading and go back to stroking my computer and begging it not to break and eat my data yet again lol I so love the way you write lady cracks me up everytime. Hugs Crystal xx
HAHAHAHAHA (Actually in real life I never laugh out loud, sort of snigger/giggle, but not in an annoying way naturally).
However, I am delurking to say I loved your post, so witty and scarily accurate.
I am heading towards egg collection next week and dh and I have decided to transfer 2 embryos.....
...yes I am a Gemini, though in the past have been Aquarius or Libra unfortunately.
Wow, that's unbelievably apropos. :)
Sarah - as a fellow Capricorn/sufferer, I just want to say that sucks! I'm so sorry.
This one deserves to be in the all time Julie greatest hits list. Thank you.
I am a Leo and my husband is a Capricorn. Of course, he struggles with male infertility and we just suffered a chemical pregnancy with our last two embryos. If you weren't so unbelievably funny you would be scary. The Aquarius horoscope almost made me piss my pants!
I was so totally a Libra with my fresh transfer. "A cousin of a friend of a friend's neighbor's sister's co-worker had a beta of 17 and now has twins!!"
Yeah. Right.
I'm a Cancer - thank god we've already passed our homestudy. If something had come up in husband's background check, I would have kicked Starshine's ass (he's an Aquarius), and then gladly bribed the social worker.
Very funny.
Wow! You are truly at one with the universe, Madam Julie.
(Taurus)
Oh Julie.
I was having a horrible day. And just sitting at my keyboard sobbing when it occurred to me to check your blog.
And now I am giggling hysterically. I am so grateful for you.
Thank you!
Leah (Aries)
i am miscarrying AS I TYPE and this post made me laugh and cry. more on this later, but more than ever, thank you for being here, julie. (i'm so sorry sarah. this fucking sucks.)
okay... actually i can't wait to tell you what the Physician's Assistant said to me this morning.
"It's normal to feel sad!"
"Was this pregnancy wanted?"
"You're still RILLY young." (i'm in my late 20s)
"This is GOOD news! Now that you finally got pregnant, you can try again!"
Go team!
Some a-hole doctor told me that I would most likely have problems getting pregnant in the future and that I might have infertility issues because I have PCOS. My IUD had to be removed because it was in the wrong spot (got it placed when I was in a serious relationship) and I figured, uh, yeah, a few unprotected times with my fiance won't hurt until I can get the doctor to throw another IUD in there. I got pregnant that month and my first blood test showed a 4 hcg level. Two days later, it was a 20. They thought I may have had an ectopic pregnancy, but here I am, 25 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Did I mention that I am "obese" and at risk for a million things and everything is fine so far, but people watch every single thing that I eat and are congratulating me that I am not on bed rest and asking me if I will need a C-Section. But, I digress. I found your website because I was worried about my low HCG level, turns out that I implanted late because my cycles were abnormal. My friend was pregnant with me, but suffered an ectopic early on, and two of my aunts are infertile and have had several ectopics each. I have seen their heartbreak I just want to let you know that I think that you are a strong individual and you went through hell to have Charlie and I am just hoping and wishing that you will have a healthy and happy second baby very soon! When I start worrying about complications and my weight and the baby, it helps to be able to come to your blog and read the latest!!!!!!!
I adore you. Can't ... stop ... giggling.
I'm a scorpio and I'll add to my horoscope.
"get revenge by haemorrhaging like the clappers all over the ultrasound probe at your CD5 scan. Go on, you'll feel better when the tech gets that surprised look on her face as a dripping, gore smeared probe makes it's exit."
...and the mind's true liberaaaaation, Aquarius...Aquarius! You're playing my song, Julie! I think it's a sign of good things to come...I'm waiting to hear if my potential egg donor can find a friend to come with her from out of state for egg retrieval week! If the friend will come, she'll say yes to my $10K! Love to you.
Yes! Geminis always get screwed out of the good horoscopes. I'm off to shop for the nursery. You didn't tell me if they were boy/girl or what. Is it still 2.99 a minute or is there a discount for frequent imaginers?
Oof. I'm a pregnant AND superstitious Capricorn. Thanks a lot for that; I'm sure I'll sleep well tonight.
I'm a scorpio and I don't even NEED my keyboard to post slanderous accusations about my fertility clinic - I can do it solely with my mind! I will crush anyone who says differently!
Harmony and understanding, sympathy and trust abooouuuounding...
Holy crap did I cry at the end of that movie when Treat Williams walked onto the cargo plane in place of his friend. I mean, just, literally, sobbing.
Genius.
I thought Julie was referencing 40-year-old Virgin!
wow...i am a sag. and you got me right on...
A Pisces here you got spot on too. I've been thinking about going back to that dildo cam doctor. He did things to me no one had ever done before.... Thank God!
Just saw REDBOOK - holy crap! Congratulations and good luck!
Dang! You're good! My planets WERE all lined up, and even then, I was not pregnant!
Unfortunately, mine was true also (Libra). I wanted to know why my friends were avoiding me and they told me that they never want to speak to me again. Except, maybe, to help me celebrate my birthday this weekend! So thoughtful.
Another Libra. And right on target. Creepy... :)
Apparently all Libras were googling low beta this month - you nailed it for me too.
I am capricorn and sadly, you were right. Eight days later my beloved cat's heart failure became so severe euthanasia seemed the kindest thing. He was my heart though and it really really sucked.