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11/14/2007
Short shameful confession
It is time that I owned up to something I haven't really discussed here yet, but which I've known for a while. In order to give Fate ample time to engineer my spectacular comeuppance — perhaps, say, something involving my house burning down, my son getting lice, and all my donor's follicles being empty — I will say it now, before I hear any word from the clinic:
I really believe this cycle is going to work.
Now, I'm not stupid. I know from witnessing the heartbreak of friends inside the computer that donor egg IVF doesn't always work. And from my own experience I am well aware that even the most favorable statistics don't apply to an individual. But I also know that my particular flavor of infertility doesn't prevent me from getting pregnant when embryos make it into my body. So I think there is some reason for optimism.
But this is an optimism utterly unbecoming to a veteran of any standing. Believing has no bearing on it. Christ, that's what newbies think, along with the idea that if you have an IUI on a special day — birthday, anniversary, National God You're Adorably Naïve Day — it'll be more likely to work; or if you say the alphabet as you pull out a long stretchy gob of cervical mucus, the letter you're on when it breaks is the initial of your baby-to-be; or that wanting, or even deserving, has anything to do with anything.
And yet stubbornly, to my own appalled wonder, I do believe it. It's nothing like "having a feeling about this one," as so many well-meaning friends tell so many agonized infertiles. It's more that I can't think of any immediately obvious reason it won't, and that I'm currently and uncharacteristically disinclined to go looking for one. I simply refuse to try.
What an asshole I am. If this cycle doesn't work, I face not only disappointment but the consequences of my own hubris. And since it is now my very public hubris, all I can ask is that you be kind. (If it does work, be as unkind as you like. I probably won't notice; I'll be too busy pressing that priceless skein of mucus into little Spinnbarkeit's baby book.)
Posted by Julie at 01:38 PM in Minnesota nice | Permalink
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Comments (78)
I promise to totally forget your hopefulness if everything spirals down the drain. But I think it's extraordinarily inspiring that you aren't mired in dark skepticism right now. You have absolutely earned the right to brood and be pissy instead of hope. You're great, Julie! Good luck!
Posted by: Erica at Nov 14, 2007 1:44:19 PM
Oh, Julie, to borrow a phrase from Tertia, I have all my bits crossed for you. If it means anything, I am convinced this cycle will work for you also! Good Luck, sweets, you deserve happiness.
Posted by: Shes at Nov 14, 2007 1:44:37 PM
YAY! not being pessimistic all the time is ok :)
Posted by: laura at Nov 14, 2007 1:48:52 PM
From the moment i read about you starting this, i believed it was going to work for you as well.
Just so that you know you're not the only one...
Posted by: Nienuh at Nov 14, 2007 2:07:47 PM
I actually just realized, reading this, that I've had no doubts this cycle would work for you, either. It just seemed like some hoop you had to go through, not a gamble.
When you said you had a confession I totally thought it was going to be a la Niobe's from today and you were going to tell us you had some extra kid we didn't know of.
Posted by: Mango at Nov 14, 2007 2:08:39 PM
Personally, I think this one is going to work for you.
Posted by: anita at Nov 14, 2007 2:08:57 PM
What I want to know is this: If cervical mucus has the consistency of egg whites at a certain point, is it advisable to make meringue?
Posted by: Orange at Nov 14, 2007 2:13:02 PM
Good for you. I am in the midst of IVF#5 (sadly with own eggs :() and have come to the astonishing conclusion that I actually maybe possibly could have some hope it will work, after many months of being persistently, completely, 100% negative. It is a disconcerting feeling. But the fact is that hope or no hope doesn't make so much difference to how you feel afterwards (either giddily nervous and terrified or depressed and terrified) so what the hell.
Posted by: nishkanu at Nov 14, 2007 2:17:03 PM
Personally? I have the same hope you do.
Posted by: serenity at Nov 14, 2007 2:17:33 PM
But then again, it could be because it might work this time....
Orange- Remind me to NEVER have lemon meringue pie or Key lime pie at your house
Posted by: Spacemom at Nov 14, 2007 2:17:47 PM
I hope it does! Nothing wrong with admitting it. And what's more, it's not like you're going to be MORE disappointed if it doesn't work and you were optimistic than if it doesn't work and you were pessimistic.
I'm pregnant for the third time (two IUI pregnancies, both of which miscarried), and I'm still utterly surprised that my first IVF cycle worked. The second two times I got pregnant, I had a spectacularly bad attitude, and the many, many cycles that ended with tampons often began with sunshine and rainbows.
Crossing my fingers for you!
Posted by: aspiring baker at Nov 14, 2007 2:21:07 PM
There's nothing shameful in a bit of hope. Frankly, I'm hoping right along with you.
Posted by: Mandy at Nov 14, 2007 2:29:46 PM
I believe it will work too. I've never been good at guarding myself against disappointment. But then, I've never tried too hard either.
Posted by: uccellina at Nov 14, 2007 2:34:51 PM
Hey, puhleeze. I have read The Secret, like, five times. I'm all for the Power of Attraction. I say, hold on to that feeling and fly with it. And if -- God forbid -- this cycle isn't The One, you won't get an "I told you so" from me.
Hang tough, Pollyanna.
~C~
Posted by: Catharine at Nov 14, 2007 2:36:12 PM
Just want to tell you I'm hoping for you, too. And interrogating every thirty-ish curly brown haired woman I meet on the street to ask how her follicles are doing.
Posted by: caro at Nov 14, 2007 2:37:08 PM
Samuel Johnson talked about second marriage being the triumph of optimism over experience, but I think anybody who has struggled with infertility knows a lot more about how optimism can kick experience's ass. On a good day, anyway.
Break an ovary, or something like that...
Posted by: DaniGirl at Nov 14, 2007 2:40:22 PM
Come on, how many times have people told us infertiles to "stay positive" and all that other cheesy stuff? The kicker is that it works, it works! The one time I got PG, after a canceled IVF was converted to an IUI with basically no hope of working, is the cycle I thought was going to work. And now I'm 30 weeks along. So go on and enjoy thinking this is going to work, it's not going to hurt ANY less if it doesn't anyway...
Posted by: mudnyc at Nov 14, 2007 2:41:27 PM
It's human nature to be optimistic. Keeps us trying, rather than quietly going off and giving up. Good for the continuation of the species to have naturally optimistic animals :)
I hope that the DE thing really works,
J
Posted by: jodi at Nov 14, 2007 2:45:30 PM
I am feeling optimistic for you, even though I can't remember whether that's jinxing it or sending extra-special sticky babydust your way.
Isn't that in The Boxer? "An infertile believes what she wants to believe and disregards the rest"?
I want this for you. So there.
Posted by: Slim at Nov 14, 2007 2:59:53 PM
It does feel shameful in the IF community to admit hope sometimes. Seems like admitting that you can't read. Who wants to be the naive newbie? Not I. But I've been guilty of it too. A high doubling beta (after two miscarriages where the numbers just sucked), sent my dear sweet optimistic hubby straight to planning summer bday parties. And I went with him. Cause its nice sometimes.
I hope that this is it for you.
Posted by: sarah at Nov 14, 2007 3:01:30 PM
F*** it. Hope on.
Posted by: Joy at Nov 14, 2007 3:04:53 PM
Shit, when is National God You're Incredibly Naive Day? I forgot to mark it down for BD!
Posted by: Jendeis at Nov 14, 2007 3:04:54 PM
It kicks off Hahahahaha You're So Gullible Week, of course.
Posted by: Julie at Nov 14, 2007 3:13:29 PM
You're ruining it! It's like saying 'just relax!' A positive attitude = urban legend when it's positive. Fodder for evil SILs and little old ladies everywhere.
Posted by: Cricket at Nov 14, 2007 3:17:44 PM
I love it!! Hope away-- I think moments of real unadulterated optimism are so hard to come by in this process that you should grab them when you can--
Posted by: sara at Nov 14, 2007 3:23:03 PM
Fiercely believe that this will work for you, too. Trying to get ahold of that optimism for our own DE cycle that is lagging yours by a few weeks. Why not believe, right. 'Tis the season, afterall.
Thinking of you and those beautiful cells that are cleverly dividing as we sit around and hope.
Posted by: tree town gal at Nov 14, 2007 3:27:53 PM
I always feel like I *know* when things are going to work. Since I'm normally a cynical negative horrible person, it's a fun feeling and I try to give into it whenever it hits. It feels fantastically close to being able to concentrate and WILL the right things to happen. And sometimes they happen, so hey. Go with it.
Posted by: electric boogaloo at Nov 14, 2007 3:29:00 PM
It certainly is startling to have optimism peek out of the pessimism. I'm never sure quite what's going on with me when I'm not feeling negative.
Regardless, good for you. Enjoy it! I apparently also believe this cycle will work for you, which I didn't realize until I read this post.
Posted by: May at Nov 14, 2007 3:33:57 PM
I feel so awesome about your awesome feelings, I'm going to spare you and the Internet from bad puns. Have a safe flight and an excellent transfer.
Posted by: Maren at Nov 14, 2007 3:35:53 PM
I am happy for you. There is nothing better than being confident.
I have posted this before, but I was the one who didnt think DE would work and boy did it work. I had triplets who are now 19 months old and wild!
Get ready you are about to be pregnant!
Posted by: Christine at Nov 14, 2007 3:50:15 PM
There always had to be a glimmer of hope - that keeps us all still in the game. It's just so nice when that glimmer can shine a little brighter! Keep up the hope!
Posted by: Andrea at Nov 14, 2007 4:01:09 PM
You have every reason to be hopeful! As you correctly pointed out, your problem has been in getting those embryos to transfer, not getting the ones transferred to stick. But hope is such a bitch, isn't she? I felt the same way when I did DE, and to be honest, in some ways it is even harder to be hopeful when the chances are so good. It's hard to explain, but it's like ... well, with success rates for DE in the greater than 50% zone in general, you would have to be UNlucky for it not to work. So a BFN would feel that much worse .. not doing a good job explaining it, but oh do I get that being almost unwilling to say it out loud.
I have a good feeling about this too. I have a feeling Charlie's gonna have a sib!
Posted by: Jo at Nov 14, 2007 4:08:23 PM
Every good thought behind you!
In fact, I am going to blow up a balloon and rub it against my head until it sticks to the wall. And if that effer falls off, I will rub until I have a bald spot or my egg mascot has some sticky satisfaction.
Posted by: anne nahm at Nov 14, 2007 4:14:58 PM
So THAT's where Hope went.. that bitch. She's in Vermont baking cookies with Julie. LOL
Posted by: BrendaS at Nov 14, 2007 4:30:10 PM
Ya know, Julie (speaking as a veteran of infertility wars far too numerous to list and also as the proud mother of one little stubborn embryo who made it), it doesn't matter of you think it will work or you know it won't. The elation when it does or the bitterness when it doesn't are the same. For what it's worth, there's not a doubt in my mind that it will. And I really hope it does, mostly for your sake, but also kind of because maybe that means there's hope for me too. Good luck.
Posted by: Anne at Nov 14, 2007 4:35:28 PM
I believe for you, dear girl.
Posted by: BrooklynGirl at Nov 14, 2007 4:40:10 PM
We all hope so...I'm taking the liberty of speaking for others ;)
And I can't imagine any of us having an unkind thing to say if things don't turn out. Nothing to be ashamed of for thinking positive.
Posted by: Angela at Nov 14, 2007 5:20:24 PM
I am optimistic for you. I really believe this is going to work. I post very infrequently, but you are always in my thoughts.
Posted by: Kate at Nov 14, 2007 5:30:07 PM
I so hope this works for you.
I remember being in exactly the place you are, nearly two years ago. There is every reason in the world for it to work. The statistics really are on your side.
I can't wait to be terribly unkind to you.
Posted by: millie at Nov 14, 2007 5:56:00 PM
I'm positive yours is going to work on the first try. It's an additional reason why I was so annoyed that mine didn't work, and that my FET got postponed, because I wanted to parallel you as you blogged about your pregnancy. Hopefully I'll only be a month behind you!
We have so few things to be joyful about -- I think you should take advantage of being allowed to be hopeful about something with such a high probability of success.
HOPE! JOY!
Posted by: tracy at Nov 14, 2007 6:29:10 PM
I like what you said ... there's no good reason NOT to believe. Gotta hold onto that Hope! Believing right along with you, my dear.
Posted by: Rebekah at Nov 14, 2007 6:36:35 PM
You have described HOPE - which you are TOTALLY entitled to feel AND believe in. No matter what the outcome, HOPE is the most important element in your journey. And Julie - ALL of US out here in internet land are HOPING for you that this cycle ends exactly the way you want it to - with a positive result. Your willingness to disclose your feelings - just makes us ready to rally around you in support - no matter your confession. All the best to you.
Posted by: CK at Nov 14, 2007 6:37:57 PM
Julie,
I've been getting that distinct impression from your writing about this cycle all along, and I think it's beautiful. Nah, I don't have birds chirping on my shoulder, or woodland creatures scampering about my feet. And I've done my share of bringing "tissue samples" to the lab in tear-drenched sweats.
BUT, I've never regretted any hopeful confident feeling I had, even when it ended up that way.
This is my clumsy way of saying this isn't a prediction. Because who the hell knows, and obviously you know that, although I too think you have a great shot given your issues and the presented solution.
But it's what you have. Right now. in this moment. And that energy will definitely not hurt. And I don't see hubris, either. Not pride before the fall... just...hope. Which isn't always a dirty word.
Posted by: Sadie at Nov 14, 2007 6:54:47 PM
well since it's bad attitudes and stress that cause infertility in the first place, you should be all set.
Posted by: Cat, Galloping at Nov 14, 2007 7:00:34 PM
I have the same good feeling for you. Maybe it's just that I can't wait to see what middle name you'll pair with Spinnbarkeit!
Seriously, about five years ago, I had an IVF/ICSI cycle so picture perfect that it could not POSSIBLY work. One of the embryos from that cycle is running around in his blanket sleeper right now, refusing to go to bed until Spongebob is over.
May you be juggling pregnancy and your preschooler soon!
Posted by: Julia at Nov 14, 2007 7:08:58 PM
I'm inclined to believe that you are correct about the cycle. Don't ask me why, it's just a hunch. Now you can blame me if it doesn't work. :)
Posted by: Leslie at Nov 14, 2007 7:48:11 PM
OMG, I was just assuming that it was going to work. Not. a. question. in. my. mind. :-)
Posted by: thrice at Nov 14, 2007 7:52:22 PM
I totally want this to work for you and I'm glad you have a good feeling about it. Bravo! And best of luck, Julie! I'm cheering you on in cyberspace.
Posted by: Jane at Nov 14, 2007 8:04:23 PM
If it doesn't work, this post never happened. What happens in cyberspace... well, at least its not on YouTube, right?
Spinnbarkeit! I love that word. I can't wait to spring it on someone during the course of a normal conversation.
Posted by: Irreverent, Barefoot Ragamuffins at Nov 14, 2007 8:16:59 PM
I think it's going to work. If it doesn't, you may blame me. ;)
Posted by: Leslie at Nov 14, 2007 8:41:04 PM
