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11/26/2007

Something

Most people see a positive home pregnancy test and are immediately able to announce with confidence, "We're having a baby."  (Damned if they're not usually right.)  An infertile person, especially one with any kind of loss under her belt, looks at that second pink line and thinks, Well.  Huh.  We seem to be having a...something.

It's not even binary: baby or none.  It's so much more complicated.  At this point the range of outcomes feels infinitely broad, from the frustrating to the heartbreaking to the ridiculously sublime, any of which stay with us for quite some time to come.

I don't know what my three positive tests thus far — 10, 11, and 12 days past ovulation — will ultimately mean. I don't assume they necessarily mean a baby.  But curiously, given my history, neither do I particularly fear they won't.

From here, anything could happen.  For now, we are having a something, and absent any indications to the contrary, I am willing — excited! — to believe it might be something really great.

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