« Obviously they're not going to do it for us... | Main | Glory be to God for Doppled things »
03/28/2008
Let's talk about sex. No, not that kind.
Here is a superficial example of how infertility has changed me. Before infertility, before I learned what a gift any baby is, before I began to perceive how loaded the question is, I'm pretty sure I asked more than one expectant parent, "Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?"
I don't ask it anymore. I mean, what a nonsensical question, as if the answer actually carried any kind of weight. "We'd like a boy." Okay, so...what then, exactly? You're going to set a girl infant out on an ice floe to be adopted by a friendly band of polar bears who will take her into their loving tribe and raise her as one of their own? "We'd like a girl." Ah, I see, you've got something against boys. It's true, everyone knows they mouth off, track in mud, and set fires in buildings they swear they thought were abandoned.
No. Neither of these extremes is ever what a parent-to-be means. When one does have a preference, I get the sense that it's inevitably complicated, having to do with our own experiences growing up, the personalities of any children we may already have, and our feelings about gender as a social construct — in short, a unique, personal opinion that can't, and probably shouldn't, be summed up in the kind of casual conversation where this question usually pops up.
Beyond being meaningless, the question strikes me as kind of sadistic. After all, the question presents a gilt-edged invitation to show your ass; 50% of the time you're not going to get what you said you wanted. Oh, you'll be fine with that, even if you need some time to adjust. But someone's going to remember how fervently you'd wanted another set of tackle entirely. (If they're cruel enough to remind you of it later, you have my full permission to relieve them of the burden of theirs.)
But we ask it, largely, I suspect, because we don't know what else to say but want to show an interest. How do you talk about a baby who's not here yet, about whom nothing is known, whose personality will remain a mystery for some time even after his birth? Do you hope the baby will be smart? Empathetic? Resilient? Good-natured? Well, sure, who doesn't? But for now a boy, or a girl, will do.
Even being sure I'd asked it myself at some point, I had no idea until recently how common the question was. I was asked it an awful lot when we recently went south, by relatives I hadn't seen in years. The assumption seemed to be that we wanted a girl, since we already have a boy. That the experience of raising a girl would be qualitatively different, and something I'd not want to miss out on.
That may be true; I wouldn't know. It's hard to imagine, because I don't think of Charlie as a boy, if that makes any sense. I don't identify his fundamental personhood as belonging to one gender or another. If he likes to extend both his pointers in the double-shooty-finger gesture, for example, I don't see it as the manifestation of an innate testosterone-borne lust for violence; I just know it for a stupid trick I taught him when I noticed the disco potential of his partially zipped pajamas. (Not pictured: enormous medallion, chest hair, and coked-out girlfriend. Or boyfriend.) That he is occasionally bouncy and loud I chalk up to the fact that his body needs regular exercise and a venue where noisemaking is not only allowed but encouraged. His love for helping in the kitchen and doing housework is not a sign of any gender affiliation; rather it's the mark of a three-year-old's eagerness to do what his parents are doing. He is a boy, but I see his sex as incidental to the person he's becoming, rather than utterly essential. I seem him as simply — simply! — Charlie.
Ultimately, I can't fathom a girl being any different. I know many people feel that girls are intrinsically different from boys, that biology implies destiny to a certain degree. I know there are forces beyond my control that influence how our children grow up and what roles they eventually assume. I also know that the only reason I might feel especially eager to raise a girl is so that I could dress her like a clown. And if the shape of Charlie's genitalia hasn't stopped me from doing that to him, and it hasn't, I don't feel that's sufficient reason to formulate a preference in that direction.
So when I was asked the question numerous times, I'd staunchly answer, "Doesn't matter." But I was surprised to find that wasn't enough for people. They expected me to follow it up. When I didn't, they'd fill in the platitude themselves: "...as long as it's healthy, right?"
And then I'd think, Well, right. If it's healthy, we'll take either kind, but if it's going to come with a few dings in the paint and a cigarette burn in the floor mat, then it better also come with a weenus.
Which is, of course, not at all what the asker meant, but because I'm an asshole, I just couldn't ignore what a weird construction that is, what a very strange thing to say. No, what the person invariably meant is, If we dare to ask for anything, let it be for health. And that is a hope I can cop to.
So far, so mercifully good. Our detailed ultrasound — our congenital anomalies scan, our gosh-Julie-why-are-your-palms-so-sweaty? scan — went off without a hitch. All four chambers of the heart, each chamber thrumming, each valve a-flapping, were visible and functioning. The vitally important parts of the brain, which is to say all of them, were noted. Abdominal organs were present and suitably enclosed. What the doctor swore were kidneys were there, even if they didn't look like any kidney I've ever eaten. All limbs, all digits, all vertebrae, flexing and accounted for.
And at the very end, a shadowy sac between his swishing legs. I cried, not in disappointment or elation, but in relief, at the whole of what we learned. All is well. If I dare to ask for anything, let it be for health, let it all stay well, for this son, this brother, this boy.
Comments (267)
Verify your Comment
Previewing your Comment
This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.
As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.
Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.
A Robin to your Batman. Just wonderful! Congrats on a beautiful scan!
Martine
Thank goodness. Congratulations!
Congratulations on your healthy baby (boy)!
Congratulations! I'm crying over here. What a beautiful post.
Wow, another hurdle overcome. You've brought me to tears just with that accomplishment -- congrats!
WOW! I'm so happy for you, I know how worrisome it is to wait for that stupid scan. Congratulations to you and all three of "your boys"! (Paul, Charlie and Robin)
JULIE!!!!
Congratulations on your sweet baby boy. xoxoxoxo and continued prayers for good health for both of you.
A beautiful, touching post.
Congratulations, what a sweet post.
I just found out on Wednesday that I'm having another healthy boy as well.
As my 2.5 yr old would say "Hurray" for little brothers!
congrats! brothers are awesome - my boys are 4.5 and 2.5 and to see them together is amazing. youre in for a treat.
(and endlessly cleaning up the floor around the toilet bowl, but whatever....)
Oh, such good news on the health front! And another little BOY -- why, it's a (Vienna) sausage party!
(Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.)
delurking to congratulate you on your second little boy!
Before you know it they'll be blowing stuff up in the backyard. :)
Congrats!
Congratulations on a healthy scan! And a healthy child, another son to join your family.
I am currently pregnant with a son and have a daughter. While I thought it was a pretty crazy and offensive question with my daughter, the "do you know what sex?" question this time I find even more offensive. I now get an extremely positive response compared to the more subdued reactions to the news of a girl last time. It is the assumption that were this one a girl I would've been disappointed (mostly implied, sometimes even explicitly stated) that disturbs me. The "one of each goal" is something that is so alien to me that I was shocked when I first received it as proof that I must be thrilled. What? Like you said, if we dare to ask for anything, let it be health. Let us just rejoice in things going well in the complicated process of conceiving at all and then ending up with a live beautiful baby at the end of what we hope will be nine months.
Mazel tov!!!
Oh Julie congratulations, I'm so relieved the scan went well.
Brothers are fabulous!
(and, dear god, Charlie is just divine.)
Whee! Congrats that all is going so well. Can't wait to hear what you decide to name him.
Its a boy! Huzzah! Charlie has a brother, how fun.
NBHHY!
Congratulations!
*goosebumps!*
This is awesome news.
And, um, how did Charlie get SO big? Wasn't he a baby, like, yesterday?
Congrats to the whole family. Boys are so much fun!
Deb
Awww... a wee Gamera to Charlie's Godzilla (he IS immense, and gorgeous).
Huge, huge, capable-of-devouring-Tokyo congrats.
"I don't care if it's a boy or girl. Just so long as it's not a lithopedion. Which is not to say I wouldn't love that little rock just as much, but...you know. It's a rock. Leaves a mark when you bounce it on your knee."
De-lurking to say best wishes for the new little man. I have cold chills!
You are such a fantastic writer.
Yay! Happy it all went well. Congratulations on giving Charlie a brother.
Shows how non-gifted I am at ESP, anyway--I TOTALLY had the feeling (because I know you so well, of course)--that you were having a girl. Come to think of it, I thought I was having a boy when I was pregnant, and it turned out to be a girl. I think I'd better keep my day job....
Ah what wonderful good news (the so far so good scan and the boy). Can't express how happy I am that things are progressing so well for you :)
Long may it continue.
Amanda
Just want to point out to the original commentor that Batman's Robin is sometimes a girl. :-)
Even if, darnit, I have to keep EXPLAINING to random people that sometimes in the real world Robin is a boy's name as well.
Congratulations on a healthy scan, another well-formed kid, and a sibling for Charlie. Siblings are fun.
Congratulations! I'm happy for you and your family that your baby is healthy, and that you are too. What a relief, and how exciting!
I totally understand why the question about gender would seem annoying or silly. Having dealt with infertility myself, I was just grateful to have a healthy second child and didn't think so much about the fact that I had "one of each," until people started remarking that I had the perfect combination, or that they were excited for me that I was having a boy the second time since I already had a girl. To be honest, I'm really grateful now that I have a boy, because I never had brothers, nephews, etc., and I kind of always thought boys had cooties until I met my husband. Knowing my son has helped me understand more about maleness and what that means in our culture, and because of him I now love another male human being as the individual that he is. I hope that makes sense.
I have noticed that sometimes when I read IVF connections boards, women get jumped on for stating or implying that they have a gender preference for their offspring, that it's shallow, insensitive, and/or greedy. But:
1. I think that sometimes people can't help their preferences, based on all of the social, cultural, and psychological factors you mentioned;
2. Infertiles are no less entitled to their preferences than fertiles simply because they're infertile and should be grateful to get pregnant at all. Once on a donor egg board, a woman did PGD to get one of each. She was roundly criticized, of course. Her response was, well, why shouldn't I get exactly what I want after all the hell I've been through in trying to create my family? Part of me couldn't relate, but part of me could.
Anyway, congratulations again!
Congratulations! I'm happy for you and your family that your baby is healthy, and that you are too. What a relief, and how exciting!
I totally understand why the question about gender would seem annoying or silly. Having dealt with infertility myself, I was just grateful to have a healthy second child and didn't think so much about the fact that I had "one of each," until people started remarking that I had the perfect combination, or that they were excited for me that I was having a boy the second time since I already had a girl. To be honest, I'm really grateful now that I have a boy, because I never had brothers, nephews, etc., and I kind of always thought boys had cooties until I met my husband. Knowing my son has helped me understand more about maleness and what that means in our culture, and because of him I now love another male human being as the individual that he is. I hope that makes sense.
I have noticed that sometimes when I read IVF connections boards, women get jumped on for stating or implying that they have a gender preference for their offspring, that it's shallow, insensitive, and/or greedy. But:
1. I think that sometimes people can't help their preferences, based on all of the social, cultural, and psychological factors you mentioned;
2. Infertiles are no less entitled to their preferences than fertiles simply because they're infertile and should be grateful to get pregnant at all. Once on a donor egg board, a woman did PGD to get one of each. She was roundly criticized, of course. Her response was, well, why shouldn't I get exactly what I want after all the hell I've been through in trying to create my family? Part of me couldn't relate, but part of me could.
Anyway, congratulations again!
I have GOT to stop reading your blog at work. I can't take any more days of mascara streaming down my face...
CONGRATS to all re: health, and to the gender? WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! :-D
Wonderful!
Sorry for the double post, and congratulations yet again!
Hooray for brothers!
De-lurking to say, congratulations on your second healthy son. Wooo! My first son is due any minute and I will confess to having wanted a girl, because I have one and I am familiar with them, and when my ultrasound and subsequent amnio confirmed boy, I was a little sad, but I have since fallen in love with His Bumpiness and am looking forward to seeing him become D_____, and not merely Son or Boy. Thanks for this entry.
Fantastic news! I'm wishing for good health, too, for both of you.
I'll also admit to great difficulty in not smacking the shit out of people who express disappointment over the gender of their own children. More than once, far more than once, I've found myself having to remind friends and relatives that it is a blessing to be given ANY healthy baby, even if said baby is the second or third of a kind. It is so much fun to be the deaths-head in the room!
Lovely! Congratulations!
Dear God, I'm such a f'in' pansy. I don't comment often (if ever?) but subscribe to your feed. When I click on your blog, I chant a little "please be pregnant, please be pregnant..." and hold my breathe...
And now I am crying, feeling relief, happiness, joy, for you and your family.
Congratulations, Julie!
How wonderful! Each of my two boys is the best thing that ever happened to his brother. I wish the same for yours.
Your sons will grow up to be best buddies. They will watch out for each other. They will guide each other through all of life's challenges and celebrate its successes. You will be amazed at how different they each are and yet the love they share. I always smile when my three-year-old runs up to his big brother, gives him a hug, and says he missed him while he was away at kindergarten. I also laugh when shopping and big brother insists we buy a package of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups because there is one for each of them.
Aww, that's fabulous! Two boys, there's nothing more fun in the world. Congrats on the weenie!
A brother! How lovely.
I can't beleive how fast Batman has grown. What a cutie!
Congratulations!
As usual, a beautifully written post. Congratulations, mama, papa, and big brother.
Congratulations! Wonderful news.
I have two children. One loves to cook and at 10 even invents tasty recipes from scratch. One writes so fluently the teachers think it's spooky. The other excels at math. Both of them love to take care of younger children. One plays with and owns so many stuffed animals there is a mountain of these the height of my waist. The other knows the names of all of them. Both of them love to watch movies with me, and have eagerly ingested what I've force-fed them about rock and roll. They rush to me with any new song they think I'd like. One always twirls a lock of my hair into a knot when I am reading bedtime stories. The other notices my new clothes and whenever it is I manage to get my hair cut. They are so much funnier, sweeter, and sensitive than what I dared to wish for in my children that I feel stupid with gratitude every day. And they are both boys.
Congratulations on your good news.
Boy, oh Boy, oh BOY!!!
Congratulations!
So glad that all is well!
Oh cool. Continue good wishes.
(I always answered that question with "a baby".)
Congrats Julie!
Wonderful news!
Boy, that Charlie is super-cute! Or do you say "wicked-cute"?
Thems is some rockin' jammies.
Congratulations on your boy!
I hated that question when I was pregnant, because it was hard enough to admit aloud to myself that I really really wanted a girl. Because if you say "girl" then you're an asshole and a Bad Mother when it turns out otherwise, right? We were both so relieved when my big ultrasound showed "girl" - but I only admit that now, after the fact. And she's going to be an only, so I won't have to face those questions again.....
First and foremost, congratulations on a reassuring scan and a healthy brother on the way.
What a great post. You hit the nail on the head about the gender preference inquiry. I call questions like the one you mentioned "sick of the weather" questions. Things like, "Do you think you'll get engaged?", "Have you set a date for the wedding?", "Would you two like kids?", etc., seem to crop up when people have already exhausted, "Could it be any hotter today?!" or "Man, that's some rain coming down, isn't it?!"
Once we've established that, yes, everyone here is aware of the current weather pattern, we can move on to summing up complex personal issues in 3-4 word phrases.
Great post Julie. Congratulations on your little boy. What fun he and Charlie will have together.