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04/14/2008
As a matter of fact I did kiss my mother with this mouth.
First my mother was here for a week. To those of you who have expressed worry that I swear in front of my child like I swear on this blog, I will assure you that I don't even do so in front of my mother. In fact, I can't even think a swear word in front of her. In fact, I can't even think one while she's in the same state. It happens as soon as she crosses the border, and it's weird: Somewhere between impulse and speech, each "fucking hell" effortlessly morphs into "laaaand o' Goshen." Every last "goddamn it" turns into "well, I swanny." Before you know it I'm do-declaring and heavens-to-Betsying and tarrrrnationing with the best of 'em. Which is all well and good when you're hunched over the butter churn in your line-dried pinafore, but it does lead to a certain undesirable incoherence of style, if "style" is the right word for what I do in my posts.
And then! Once she'd left, I sat down to write, a glorious stream of liberated profanity flowing from my fingertips. But not ten minutes in, my computer suddenly shut off. The long version of the story involves rending of clothing, gnashing of teeth, and frantic shaking of the backup drive to see if I could hear my data rattling around in there. (It sounded a lot like a handful of nickels in a coffee can.) Also weeping, anxious dry heaving, and hesitant prodding with a stick I found in the yard. And then slinking away for a few days, then returning for a surprise attack, the last resort: plugging the machine's power cable into a different outlet. And success.
So that is why I haven't been around. I've been tongue-tied, out of an insurmountable inhibition about posting when in the bosom of my family, and computerless, out of an inability to apply a complex solution like "try another plug, jackass" to the simplest of problems.
Although a riveting passage about why I haven't been writing is indeed a tough act to follow — nothing people enjoy more than reading interminable blog posts about why there haven't been blog posts — I will try. I am rounding the bend of 24 weeks, sailing into what promises to be the most unnerving part of this pregnancy so far.
The term you hear is "cusp of viability," that time between when a baby born early might possibly survive and when he would reasonably be expected to. Some 23-weekers survive; most don't. At 25 weeks, depending on whose numbers you believe, about half will, give or take. And so on; the outcomes get better as a baby's gestation lengthens. Last time around, I told myself that if I could just make it to 30 weeks, we would be in the clear. I almost did, and we eventually were, but little of it was easy and none of it was certain. Nevertheless, by 28 weeks the survival rate is around 90%.
This is a scary time for me. I didn't worry much before now, because if something did go wrong — any of the unspecified somethings a pregnant woman doesn't dare to conjure — there was little to be done, and I'm relatively good at accepting the inevitable. But if something went wrong now, everything would be done, and anything could happen, and that is downright terrifying.
That neurosis admitted, I can say that I don't spend every minute expecting things to go wrong, at least not quite yet. If pre-eclampsia or HELLP is in my future, well, that's where it is — not today, and probably not soon, since if it recurs in subsequent pregnancies it tends to happen later in gestation. (Egad, I must be feeling good if "tends to" reassures me.) Gestational diabetes, although annoying, would only complicate an early delivery, and not cause it. And although my placenta is currently a mere 2.5 centimeters from my cervix, that's nothing like the complete previa I had last time, "virtually certain," according to my MFM, to migrate before delivery.
So not every minute do I expect things to go wrong; just one out of every, oh, fifteen minutes or so. I still fear the fluke, the opposite of "tends to," because that's what's always gotten me before. The stomach ache I had Friday night scared me, leading me to stand in front of the mirror and draw imaginary lines on my torso to determine if it was, in fact, upper right quadrant pain. (It was, squarely within the invisible dotted lines, but better the following morning, with no repeats since.) When I wake up with swollen hands and feet, I swear off added sodium for two days just to make sure that's the culprit, a staggering sacrifice for someone who copiously salts everything, often before tasting. (You...you don't salt your toothpaste? Oh, my stars.) And I think about ways we could still be blindsided by complications we don't expect, and don't even know to fear.
But the scary part is background. We're aware of certain possibilities, and are working to reduce their likelihood, to the extent that we can. So far, all signs have been good, although I do dread Friday's obstetrician-mandated eye exam, because I hate that better-one better-two bullshit...I mean horsefeathers. And the baby, whom I think of as Snowball II when I'm feeling optimistic and the Widowmaker when I'm not, is moving, and growing, and staying, for the moment, precisely where he belongs.
And for the moment, I feel, too, that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Which is, by cracky, a jo-fired sight better than working that butter churn like a round-shouldered motherfucking champ.
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Can it be that I am first!!!!
Yeah!!!!
You and I know that every pregnancy is different. So here's hoping this one is the polar opposite of last time!!!!
"Widowmaker"? There's that mordant wit we all find so soothing. (Seriously. Humor that's blacker than black, tarry stools is what gets me through the day.)
Hello!
I found this site looking for PIO info and loved it! Bravo to you! I've been reading the history just to get caught up. Do you, by chance, have RSS feeds for this?
Thanks,
Robyn
It is positively criminal that your profane stylings should be so cruelly hamstrung, if even temporarily.
My mother has grown increasingly inured to her offsprings' vulgarity over the years... so we've increased the vulgarity. The only thing which has made her sigh and stamp out of the room recently has been a particularly zesty deployment of the p-word. When that stops working, it's time to bust out the piercings she doesn't know about.
I am so with you, sister. My sonny boy was born at 33 weeks 2 1/2 years ago, and I'm 26 weeks no. (as I have psoted before, your preemie blog is what helped me get through my own preemie, and it's just astounding to me that we're due the same time, too). So I'm also scared of another preterm delivery. The good news is that my doctors are watchng me like hawks, with fetal fibronectins every 2 weeks, growth scans every four weeks. So, since you knwo exactly what caused your early delivery last time, hopefully the good docs can monitor you for any early onset of the same, G-D FORBID, though I know not much can be done to reverse it.
here's to hoping to two full term vbacs for both of us!!! (Unless youre opting for the repeat c section route...)
You know what's pretty funny? When a toddler aged somewhere between two and three, uses the words "fuck" and "shit" in context. There's something so shaming about that......anyway, I've taken to calling my little parasite "soda pop" because it's currently weighing in at eight ounces.
So are you planning on having steroid shots to mature the babies lungs now, just in case the baby comes early?
I did it this time, even though I'd only done PTL at 32 weeks last time, just because I felt like getting the reassurance, and it did help when I had the occasional pain here and there.
Yay! Glad everything is going well.
As a Goshen College graduate, I love it when people say "land o' Goshen." Especially when what they want to say is fuck. Pity about the computer not working and such, though.
I realized that I needed to cut back on my cursing when my 4 year old son announced, upon entering the grocery store, that "we need to get a fucking cart." Since then, I have been saying "Heavens to Betsy" quite a bit, which the aforementioned 4 year old interpreted as "Heavens to Pepsi."
Now I say it his way all the time and people look at me funny, making me want to tell them to fuck off.
Love the blog! Keep up the good work and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and Snowball II.
i cant remember if you are on Heparin but I wound up in L&D with severe upper right quadrant pain and was about to lose my mind thinking it was pre e again or gallbladder exploding or something... turns out it was the RECALLED HEPARIN. So if you are on Heparin, please check your brans against the recall. I think 3 labs are recalled. My rotten stuff came from Baxter
Really pulling for a full-term and healthy delivery for you!
Here with you, hoping for the healthy arrival of Snowball II......I hear and understand your anxiety. thinking of you.....
Sending good vibes & fingers crossed and all of that horse hockey!
Well wishes for you and Snowball II. Can you blame any lingering pain on errant hairballs?
FUCK yeah. Many good thoughts for you and Snowball II.
Well, hells bells, that is good to hear. The profanity meter always tends to be subject to the audience. I can go all sailor with my dad, but have to edit (hopefully before rather than after) with my mom. And my son? He looked at me rather innocently and said, "Mommy, I didn't say "fuck it" or damn." Great.
Speaking of sons, has Charlie figured any of this out yet? At 24 weeks, he has to have a hunch that something is up.
Charlie not only has a name picked out for little Snowball, he has plans to teach Snowball all about the cat.
I found you through another blog (Burgh baby) and when I was reading your entry from today I saw that you had HELLP. I had HELLP with my son as well but I faired better than you as far as how early I got it. My bean was born at 34 weeks. And I went back to read the story of your sons dramatic entrance and am shocked at hoe long you held out with the pain! I had the shoulder pain for less than 24 hours and by the time I made it to L&D my platelets were already close to danger zone.
But love your blog and glad I found soemone that I have something in common with. However it would be nicer if we had a favorite color in common not HELLP!
"round-shouldered motherfucking champ" has got to be my favorite post-ender of all time. damn i'm glad you're back!
My goodness, such profanity! "by cracky" Why I NEVAH! (smile)
So glad you're back and that Snowball II is doing well. Next time your mom's in town you may also want to add "Oh gumdrops" and "ishkabibble" to your lexicon. Courtesy of my late grandma. Oh, and I think "fiddlesticks" worked well for her, too! Or my mom used to take out a vowel..."SHT!!
Since I successfully predicted this pregnancy, I am going one step further, I am predicting foul mouth shit coming from your 32 week pregnant mouth.
Thank you for your blog. Really. It is keeping me sane. I had my daughter at 28 weeks (almost 6 years ago!!!) due to the clusterfuck that is PE. And now, here I am again, a week behind you in gestation with a boy. And I am so right with you.
I read your post from 3/11/06 and actually printed it out, handed it to my husband, and said...this is EXACTLY how I feel about trying again. And yet, here we are.
Bless you for your foul-mouthed, witty and honest posts. Hopefully you will be writing about this (and I will be reading it!) well into the third trimester.
Thank you Thank you.
I have to admit I missed most of your post, after my brain exploded when I read:
"I can say that I don't spend every minute expecting things to go wrong, at least not quite yet."
I might come back when my cup of tea has sunk in. Meantime, fingers crossed!
Bea
Wishing you a boring-as-shit pregnancy!
"Charlie not only has a name picked out for little Snowball, he has plans to teach Snowball all about the cat."
I can't wait to hear about that! Glad to hear that everything is going well (*knock on wood*) and enjoy the snowball while he is still, well, a snowball.
I think I need lessons in sanguinity... or something. You seem eerily calm, or maybe it is just a Zen-like acceptance, but either way, can you bottle it? I'd like to mix it with my vodka. thanks.
Fucking boring is good. Keep up the good work Snowball 2 and stay put for many more weeks as Charlie needs lots of time to work out ALL of the lessons he's going to teach you lol!! After all, what are big brothers for!
I hate eye-exams too and hope yours goes well Julie.
Oh, Julie. When all else fails, use what my mother in law says - "YOU TURKEY BIRD!" It's her pet name for people who cut her off in traffic.
You are fabulous, and I'm pulling for a no-bullshit end to your pregnancy and a healthy delivery and baby!
It's nice to see you back, and wonderful to hear that all is going well. I remember all too well the whole waiting game, wondering if/when something is going to happen again. Hoping that nothing will. And feeling accomplished for every extra day that you stay pregnant. I went through that in all of my pregnancies, though not so much in my first one because I had no experience to compare it to. Talk about the bloody fucking fear that followed that first one though.
By the way, I curse all day and night half the time, but I have the vocabulary of an angel when I'm around my mother and grandmother. I even have a tendency to adopt my grandmothers' West Virginian accent and start talking with my hands like my mother does whenever I'm around them. Too bad I can't learn their money saving tips the way I pick up their "isms".
A friend told me of the mind-trick she used to play on herself in pregnancy. She would think, I am X weeks along. But wouldn't it be nice to be X weeks late? And then when she got to X+4, she'd want to be another 4 in front, but she could also tell herself look, now you are at X+4, where you wanted to be.
I have been thinking about that for a bit now, and even tried to apply to myself last week. Except that at 19w, what I really want is to be at least +6 weeks. For the exact reasons you articulated.
Wouldn't it be nice if there was a fast forward button to, say, 37 weeks?
I'd quite like one of those...
J
Thinking about you and Snowball II each and every day, lovely lady! Hoping you get to gestate for the whole time, this time, wouldn't that be novel?
I still get red when I think about the time I swore in front of your mother. Must be her powerful non-swearing vibes or something.
Here's to continued boring pregnancy! Keep on snoozing, Snowball...
From a mother who went into pre term labor at 25 weeks, and managed to hold (by some grace of GD) her twins in for another 5 weeks- I want you to know- that most pregnancies end up fine. 500,000 babies are born prematurly every year. Most of those are multiples. Please try to enjoy your pregnancy and stop worrying so much. I know its easier said than done, but trust me- these weeks will go by so fast- and you will wish that you would have appreciated it more. I am sure your baby will be fine. I wish you a long and boring pregnancy.
BTW- I totally loved your post about JLO. She is so full of shit. Her father claims that twins "run" in his family. Only people with twins know that having twins has nothing to do with the mother's paternal side. Let them spread lies.
I understand your fear. I will just say, I know 25 and 26 week kids. They are alive and one is perfectly fine, the other is good and needs some help, but they are both loved and bring so much joy to their family.
I wish I could magically timewarp the next few weeks, but I can't. Hang in there...
one of the few positive things i can say about my mother lately is that her mouth is as filthy as any sailor's. it simplifies my life considerably.
perhaps, as an antidote to the self-censoring you've had to endure, a late-night screening of "the big lebowski" is in order? i mean, honestly, as funny as we all know the word "fuck" can be, you just can't believe there are so many WAYS it can be funny until you watch that movie.
I love you and I am glad you're back.
hi there, thanks for putting up such interesting article on pregnancy. I am impressed with the content. Therfore I would like to share what I know about pregnancy for fellow readers of your blog.
I would like to share that we are not so lucky than some 5 years ago, trying to conceive. Until we understand that some symptoms of infertility in relation with pregnancy. By understanding the symptoms, you can have a higher chance to conceive.
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Feel free to give me your comments and feedback of this article. Thanks.
Regards,
Eddy
I found your blog through amalah, and I haven't ever commented, simply because I have very little to add to the discussion- but I have to say that you have opened my eyes to the world of infertility and NICU and premature birth, and in a way that doesn't TOTALLY terrify me. I am wishing you the best of luck and a 41 week pregnancy like mine- complete with the big newborn and everything. After Charlie's birth, I can just FEEL you getting tense in preparation for the same situations, hell, I get all tense FOR you. So I guess that I am crossing my fingers and toes and having you in my thoughts ( I really don't pray and I was brought up in the south where that's what you do for people)
I also don't curse and develop a DEEP SOUTHERN ACCENT when around my family. My husband mocks me for it.:)
As an addition to the first commenter, I'd like to see you get most of a polar opposite of what you had with Charlie. Except for the live birth of a cute, funny, intelligent little boy who lights up your life. I hope you get that part again.
Oh, and the phrase "Oh my stars!" is the one that always makes me laugh out loud.
Ok, now going over your site- I see that you have already had a preemie! Oops. I guess I dont need to give you advice. I think, if I am lucky enough to get pg again, I would be scared out of my mind to not have another preemie. I would be just as scared as you are. My thoughts are with you!
Glad you are well and baby -- whatever you call him -- is fabulous...I mainly only post to tell you that you rock. Your writing never fails to bring chuckle and joy, and really in over-blogged land, that's rare...More power to you and yours.
Oh. My. God. I cannot believe you just wrote "laaaand o' Goshen". My little, sweet hillbilly granny would always say that. I've never heard another soul utter it. You made my day.
I'm just glad you're back. The longer you were away, the more afraid I was that something had gone wrong and you were in the hospital unable to post. The very ordinary computer problem thing was the farthest from my mind...although it happens to me for a week at a time here and there semi-frequently.
With the twins I just kept chugging along. When the doc told me that the babies would have a 50/50 chance if they arrived that day, my response was "Really, that's nice, good thing they won't be coming for another 3 months." It wasn't that I was naive, I took early maternity leave and kept a constant watch on my body for signs of labor, but for some reason I thought if I just kept the option off of my mental list it just wouldn't happen. Crazy, I know. It's not like I was able to think infertility away. This time with a singleton I'm worried all the time, Nuts! Tarnation!
Keep these good posts coming...Every week you post that things are going well I knock the worry off my list a little "Ok, Julie and her baby are good...whew!". Just keep your eyes on the prize...the Olympics are coming soon :)
I had preterm labour at 28 weeks, and the entire drive to the hospital I kept chanting to myself, "Charlie was okay".
I am just about at the 32 week mark, and hoping to make it to 36.
Thanks!
Yet another reader with the same thoughts: Delivered the first one at 32 weeks b/c of PE, now at week 25 with #2 and thinking, "Could be pregnant for seven more weeks... could be fourteen... who knows?" Many aspects are different this time around, but thanks for telling me that PE happens *later* with subsequent pregnancies; my first OB said "earlier" and that scared the shit out of me.
Your blog also helped me through my scary first preemie experience. Let's hope the help this time comes only with advice on how to handle a preschooler AND a newborn at once.
My dad (age 68) has always used table salt *as* toothpaste.
I feel your pain, as I prepare to get admitted to the hospital tomorrow for steroids for my baby's lungs. I'm 27 weeks and the OB says I need to prepare myself for the possibility I could be delivered any day now (due to poor blood flow to and from the placenta). Trying to hang on until 28 weeks, then I'll come up w/ a new milestone. I keep thinking about you and the ohter preemie moms who have made it through this already and have a healthy little one at home.