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05/23/2008
The breast-laid plan
I probably shouldn't admit this, but you know what I'm looking forward to with this baby? The possibility of giving up on breastfeeding.
Let me say at the outset that nothing would make me happier than a good nursing experience. But nothing would make me sadder than the kind of experience I had with Charlie. (Note to universe: I am saying that in a rhetorical sense. I know there are worse things than ending up with a healthy, thriving baby who enjoyed the benefit of expressed breast milk for the first six months of his life. I'll thank you not to kick my ass in new and unexpected ways just to show me who's in charge here because, hey, you know what? I get it.)
Charlie was born at 10:22 PM. Shortly after midnight I was out of recovery, in a hospital bed, tethered to a urinary catheter and a bag of mag, sheathed in vibrating boots to prevent blood clots, and asking rather incoherently for a breast pump. After protesting that the baby, as yet unnamed, wouldn't be able to be given anything I made, the nurse decided it was easier to cooperate than argue, and wheeled it in. And my long lactational nightmare began.
From the start I knew it would be a long time before I'd be able to do much for Charlie in the concrete sense. If all I could do was make milk, then by God, make milk I would. I did, pumping eight times daily for months. And the milk came — by the femtoliter, at the start, and eventually, with everything I would learn about pumping and the assistance of domperidone, five to seven ounces per pump. Amazing how that seemed like a lot at the time.
For a lot of reasons — his reflux, my low supply, his screaming, my crying, the slow-dawning realization that I was well within my rights to stop torturing us both — Charlie and I never took to nursing. So for months after we were home, I continued to pump. At most feedings, Paul would give Charlie a bottle of expressed milk while I sat hunched miserably over the pump, giving my baby nourishment but utterly failing to enjoy it.
It wasn't until he was five months old that awareness began to creep in: There's something bad wrong with that.
By that time, Charlie had sailed through all of the temporary danger zones a preemie has to endure: the life-threatening possibility of NEC, the question of whether he would grow adequately, the first few months of life outside the more-or-less sterile confines of an isolette. Providing him with breast milk was now a matter not of life or death, as it had initially seemed to me in my preemie panic, but of similar weight to the decision any mother makes when she considers feeding her healthy, full-term infant. What about immunities? Allergies? Those critical six IQ points? And what about suppressing ovulation so that I don't conceive again too quickly? (Yeah, hey, what about that?)
And what about the manifold benefits to the entire family of a mother who actually likes feeding her baby? Who gets more precious mood-stabilizing sleep? Who isn't forever slipping away, from either a happy baby or a cranky one, a beleaguered husband or a resigned one, to pump? Who cuddles her son close instead of holding him out at a distance, away from the breasts that had hurt nonstop since the midnight of his birth?
In a lot of ways I'm proud of what I did for Charlie. I did it as much for myself, knowing that I'd punish myself for not making the effort if he didn't flourish. But in other ways I'm sorry — sorry that I did it for so long, anyway. It was right for me to quit, and I wish I'd done it sooner.
Before I even got pregnant this time, I made myself a promise. If the baby comes early, I'll pump through any NICU time. I'll pump until we have a chance to make a solid try at nursing. And preemie or not, I will make a solid try at nursing. But I will not make myself crazy. In this one aspect of pregnancy, birth, and early motherhood, I am looking forward to this chance for a do-over. I cannot wait not to make myself crazy.
(Now go get a load of Jiang Xiaojuan.)
Comments (113)
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Oh yes! How I understand! I pumped through all of #1's NICU stay (3+m) and for another month after he got home and then I just couldn't do it anymore. He was so high needs and I had so little left to give and the milk just wasn't there. I hated myself for a long time, but felt so so much better and I started to truly *enjoy* my son. When #2 was born, full-term, I was determined. So was he. We tried so hard to convince him that anything going near his mouth wasn't poison. For months we had to struggle just to get a fake nipple in his mouth (yay oral-aversion trauma!) and it took more than 8m before he'd really pull those bottle nipples into his mouth fully. For him I promised to pump a month - as long after hospital release as I had for his brother - and then I allowed myself to stop. It hurt to do so, but was such a relief.
It's so relieving to me that another mother truly understands all of that. The frustration and the pain but also the unbelievable relief at packing away the equipment for good. Thank you.
Even having a full term infant doesn't prevent you from having nursing difficulties. Even having an infant who ENJOYS breastfeeding doesn't always help. When mine decided suddenly to slow down at 7 months, it was TORTURE to decide to supplement with formula. And hey! When he decided at 12 months that it was, again, the Best Thing Ever, I didn't even contemplate pulling out the pump. Homey don't play like that, G.
We nursed until 17 months ... until I wrested back my boobs from the chompers of doom. He would still be nursing, I think, if I'd left it up to him.
Good luck. Sounds like you're in the right frame of mind about it (i.e., whatever happens, happens.)
Julie, I'm with you and Kelly. I only made it 2 months before an overnight hospitalization (during which I only pumped once) destroyed my already-crappy milk supply. I don't regret that I tried my best, but I really wish my doctor or a lactation consultant would have just said, "Hey, listen: Unfortunately, your body is in no condition to make milk. Give your baby formula, enjoy feeding time, cut yourself some slack, and take care of yourself too." Jesus, did I make myself miserable over feeding. I thought I had postpartum depression, but all the sadness and frustration vanished as soon as I gave up the pump.
It's eight years later now, and this topic can still make me cry—not just because my body let me down, but also because I wish I'd been spared feeling so miserable. I was pumping, trying to nurse with a nipple shield, and supplementing with formula. Too much!
Those "mommy drive-bys" wherein a complete stranger barks at someone who's bottle-feeding a baby? They enrage me. That mother could have had cancer. She might have adopted that baby. She might've had breast reduction surgery. She might have medical reasons not to nurse. She might actually be feeding the kid breastmilk in that bottle. She might have driven herself to the brink of madness pumping and trying to nurse, only to finally concede defeat and inferiority to a dairy cow. She might find nursing too painful. The baby might not be able to latch on properly. How dare anyone presume to know why an individual parent has chosen to feed a baby in any particular way?
Also? Nursing isn't needed for bonding. I held my baby most of the day, and he's always been very close and very secure. Sure, it's a special mother-baby bonding method, but it's certainly not the only one.
I think you summed it up perfectly. Pumping to feed your child is hell. I really hope that I'll be able to breastfeed any subsequent children, but I don't think I'll be giving in to the electric beast next time. THAT was horrible.
Delurking to say -- Wow, I hear ya. And let me just say: I made myself *crazy* over breastfeeding my first son AND HE WAS A GOOD NURSER. He could latch, and I had milk. But it made me insane anyway because I was so afraid I wasn't feeding him frequently enough, or that he wasn't getting enough when I nursed him. I knew I was doing the best thing for him, and it should have been great, but I couldn't relax and enjoy it.
By the time my second son arrived, nursing was not an option due to my two mastectomies. And though of course I experienced a lot(!) of mourning in relation to that, it would be disingenuous for me to try and say that I found bottlefeeding to be so awful. It wasn't, and I enjoyed my second son's infancy *so much more* than that of my first. (Not just because of the feeding issue, of course, but it was a big factor.)
By the way, my second son has had not a single ear infection (unlike number one), and at 18 months, he is thriving shamelessly.
While you were pumping your heart out, so was I. I gave up the struggle when my baby was six months. I came off the domperidone too fast and my supply disappeared and I just didn't have it in me to keep pumping...
Anyway, with baby #2, we had a bit of a bump after the c-section but he nursed for over a year. And he was a champ! (This is where I tell you he bit me and drew blood, but we got through that too.)
Soooo... the point of this. Good luck. :) I loved breastfeeding the 2nd time around.
Thank you for this post.
Oh. Another long lactational nightmare here with our first. Our second is due any day now. I too have vowed to do my best, but to be much kinder to myself should things not go the way I hope they do... Wishing all of us trying for a better second time around on this a much better go of it.
I remember exclusive pumping well. During the NICU phase, it really did feel like the only thing I could do for DS. (He was a 30-weeker too.) But somehow staggering downstairs in the middle of the night to pump while DS cried to my husband wasn't what you might call an enjoyable experience. Neither was trying to pump while home alone with a refluxy, pissed off little guy during my maternity leave. We were lucky enough to make nursing work at about 12 weeks, but if we hadn't I don't know that I could have kept going with the pump.
You go girl!
My only problems with breast-feeding were getting my four-year-olds to stop. I did two at a time for a while. But while some might think I'm sort of la leche champion I know that I did what I did because it was the path of least resistance. For us, that's what worked.
But watching my best friend go through what you did? Torture. The stress brought on by every feeding--for the entire family--seemed so hard. I tried to support her through her journey but secretly wanted to yell at her to stop! already!
Who knows how things will go for you this time. I'm just really glad you're prepared either way and wish you all the best.
Betsy-- long-time lurker
Oh so very true.
I had exactly this attitude going into the birth of my second child. I wanted to try to nurse, but I wasn't going to beat myself up over it the way I did the first time around.
Then I became one of those people who can't nurse. The delivery came with an amniotic fluid embolism, we both nearly died, and I went into renal failure. And yet there I was, in the intensive care unit, unable to even roll over unassisted, PUMPING. My darling OB, bless her heart, pointed out that since my body was currently unable to clean its own blood (along with the recently transfused blood products of about a dozen blood donors), my body probably wasn't going to waste any energy manufacturing breast milk. Um, yeah. Not one drop.
And boy is my baby thriving on his cheap-ass Costco formula. Hooray for bottles.
Delurking to say - AMEN and GOOD FOR YOU!
I think your attitude is dead on. With our two bio kids, I felt I'd be a failure as a mother if I didn't nurse - they would be sickly and not as smart and not nearly as "attached." Fast forward to our third daughter, adopted at 9 months. I found that bottle feeding is just as cozy and special as nursing and promotes attachment wonderfully. And our bottle-fed daughter has never had an ear infection and was probably our healthiest baby/toddler (maybe she just built up great immunity spending 9 months in a Chinese orphanage). She's also wicked smart. I feel a little stupid now, putting as much emphasis on breast-feeding as I did when my bio girls were babes.
I tortured myself for 6 months. I wish I knew then what I know now. Any expectant mother stumbling on this -- please try to take this post and comments to heart.
I had twins at 36 weeks, who came home with me from the hospital. Every breastfeeding session was excruciatingly painful even though lc assured me everything looked good with the latches. At 10 days, they had gained back their birthweight...but really didn't seem to be filling out. At a month they weighed less than they did at birth. We did before and after weighings and I as only making about 2-3oz total each feeding (of which there were MANY). They had the poops and the wet diapers that were supposed to tell me if they were getting enough, but I was wracked with guilt -- I had been starving my children!
SO I started to supplement -- still wracked with guilt that I was giving demon formula. I saw an lc who was also an md -- given blessed thistle and fenugreek and prescriptions for domperidome and told to pump between each of the 7-8 feedings with a new shop-vac stength hosptial pump. Also it was found I didn't have natural letdown so I was prescribed oxytocin nasal spray (!!) to make what milk I produced release. Still palty amounts. Oh, and the pain? Still there. Always there -- turns out I also have Raynaud's Phenomenom -- in my nipples.
And I kept it up because I bought the propaganda (and also because my family is rife with auto-immune diseases and I was convinced this would help my children -- somehow). It ended with a whimper-- around 6 month, my babies simply refused the farce of being put to my breasts anymore and demanded bottles.
I wish I could have let go earlier. I was my biggest first time mom mistake.
And I agree -- Costco (Kirkland) formula ricks. My twins did the best on it and thrived. As for those 6 IQ points -- thank god they didn't get them. They are 2 and already speaking in 2-clause sentences and outsmarting me at least once a day. Any smarter and I wold be doomed.
AMEN. I put myself through hell with a combination of baby who hated the boob and low supply--I shudder now to think of how hard I worked, and for how long, for so little (at my highest output, I pumped 12 ounces. A DAY). If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I'm vowing not to torture myself and my family over breast milk. I'll put in a good faith effort but I am NOT going to be pumping 8 times a day for four months, that's for damn sure.
(PS Your posts about pumping and breastfeeding helped me so much during that dark time. So thank you.)
I can relate. I had twins full term and I was ready and willing to nurse, and I tried and tried and they just didn't latch on. I tried everything that the lactation consultant told me and it still didn't work. I had read that La Leche League book and I felt like a complete failure if I didn't give them breastmilk. So for four months I pumped and pumped and often listened to them both cry when I went to pump. Finally, I listened to my husbands encouraging words and thought about all the people who had healthy happy children and whom never nursed, not even tried and I gave up. Now a month later I still struggle with that desicion even though they are continuing to gain weight and life is easier.
That story made me all weirdly booby-achy and wanting to nurse other people's babies. Which is by far the creepiest instinct I've ever felt.
My SIL pumped for six months and hated every minute of it. We had our babies close to each other and mine took to nursing pretty well while hers never latched. She's extremely nervous about her second time around since she wants to stay home if they have another kid and she doesn't want to spend that time at home slaving to a pump. I pumped for 18 months since I was working full time, and I can sympathize with the sucktasticness of the whole ordeal.
Wishing you good booby thoughts.
As someone who nursed her son for 22 months with relatively few difficulties (after the first 10 days or so of adjustment) and who never found it particularly burdensome and who really enjoyed nursing him, I have to give it up to all the women who exclusively pumped for months and months. If I had to go through what you all went through, it would have been probably less than a week before we were on formula.
I think you probably have a decent chance of not having as many supply issues this time around as long as you don't have latch issues. (Having pumped a plenty for eight months at work, I cannot imagine trying to establish a supply from scratch with a pump.) But yes, yes, yes, the time you spend with your child and the time you give yourself to just relax is way more important than breastfeeding. And I say that as a really big fan of breastfeeding.
Julie - this post makes me smile! It is so nice to see you evolve into a confident mother. Whatever tasks lie ahead and decisions need to be made, I have no doubt that you can handle them and will do the best for your children and family.
" That story made me all weirdly booby-achy and wanting to nurse other people's babies. Which is by far the creepiest instinct I've ever felt. "
I actually know that feeling, and I think it's only creepy in our modern, antiseptic environment. I would get it sometimes when I was still nursing and babysitting the daughter of a friend who also was nursing. The baby would cry, and my first instinct was to whip out the boob. (I mean, only for like a second or two, and I didn't actually do it.) And one time, maybe two months PP, I was at the grocery store and a baby was crying in the next aisle and I started to feel the tingle of let-down. For most of human history, women have nursed other women's children. If you hear them crying, you just want to do something about it, and boobie is a pretty safe bet.
Happy Part-of-Pregnancy-You've-Never-Seen-Before!
Hope you get to see many more weeks.
I can relate. I have PCOS and although my daughter LOVED to nurse I never made enough for her no matter how many drugs or herbs I took or how much I pumped. I should of stopped earlier as well and next time, I will. I was still pumping when I would get less than 1/2 an ounce twice a day because I felt too guilty to stop giving her that 3 ounce bottle of breast milk every 3 days. Even the universe knows that's crazy.
I quit after 3 months. My son was born at 32 weeks, spent 4 weeks in the NICU and I pumped and bottle fed until two weeks after I returned to work. At that point, I was getting up more often than he was waking up and it wasn't worth the emotional rollercoaster to me anymore...he was already up in the weight percentiles for his birthdate. Gotta do what's right for you! For the next one, I'll evaluate the same way...would love to have it work, but if it doesn't, I have a healthy toddler that was formula-fed that will make me feel alright about packing away the pump (or boob!)
'Atta girl!
I'm write behind you. Cowering behind your skirts, hiding from La Leche League. (Those ladies scare me. Seriously.)
Best of luck, and I hope this time, it's a whole new experience for you.
~A~
1st time commenter.
My son was born 5 weeks early and had an insufficient suck. I had a low supply and pumped 10 times a day for 30 minutes each session. I was barely making enough for him to eat and did suppliment a few oz of formula per day. It was pure hell! I think I had undiagnosed PPD. I also got mastitis and thrush. At every turn I was battling supply issues but I never gave up on nursing my son. I would put him on my breast and just let him comfort suck. All the while we were training him to suck with a Haberman bottle.
At 6 months the most magical thing happened. My sweet love nursed. I was able to nurse him until he was 21 months old.
I have an 8 month old son now, who came into this world hungry, with a great latch and a tremendous suck. He still nurses every 2 hours or so and it has been a wonderful experience.
I was like you, if breastfeeding didn't workout, I wasn't going to pump exclusively. The funny thing is, I ended pumping for a little boy who was adpoted by my friend for a couple of months. However, I just pumped twice a day and didn't stress about it.
It takes a special breed of mommy to exclusively pump for months.
I just know you will have a different experience this time around. Remember a happy mommy makes a happy baby.
Good luck!
An open mind is a wonderful thing. You sure didn't get much time to sit and relax with Charlie, and you sure aren't going to want to waste any time on stress with this one. That said, he/she might surprise you. My first son was totally hopeless at breastfeeding (six weeks of pumping around the clock when he wasn't nursing, and still having to supplement) but his brother is a champ. He turns two in a couple of weeks and still occasionally wants to nurse, thought it's almost always in the dead of night. I say "almost always" because he came over and draped his sweaty sandy butt over my lap the other day when we at a playdate with a neighbor and her three-month-old. I didn't think he'd notice what she was doing, but I guess he did. I sent him back to the sandbox.
You're so damn smart and reasonable. Julie for President!
Thank you for the link about the heroic breastfeeding policewoman! There is nothing I like more than a heroic rack. Which, by the way, yours was, even if you would do it differently next time around.
I dearly hope you will be one of those women for whom breastfeeding comes effortlessly on the second try. Babies who are pacified by the boob making spending hours surfing blogs sooooo much easier.
I feel like such a jerk saying this, but I loved the "less crazy" part of having a 2nd. That feeling of: hey, I kinda know what I'm doing here and it's okay if it all doesn't go perfectly" part of being a 2nd time mom.
I say good for you on giving yourself a break.
One of the things I am looking forward to if I have another child is going into the hospital with sports bra and ice pack in hand. Not one drop. Never never never again will I breast feed! :)
(With possible but unlikely exception being made for a preemie.)
I remember struggling with it. A LOT. And I made myself crazy when it didn't work out. Of my 5 I was only able to successfully breastfeed ONE of them, and it was partially with formula supplemenents and only until she was 6 months old, when I became EXTREMELY uncomfortable with nursing. I hated to wean her, because she loved nursing, but I could never keep up with her demand no matter what I tried and when it got to the point that I was dreading every single feeding because I didn't want to nurse anymore.. I knew that was it. With all of my others, it was a struggle. Now that I'm done having babies, I'm glad that that's one heartache that I won't have to worry about again, because I always became so depressed when it wasn't working out. Breastfeeding is HARD work! I envy the women that it works out for with no problems, but I was a mother that struggled with it every time whether it was mental or physical.
Best of luck with it, and I DO hope that it works out for you. and.. if it doesn't.. Hugs.. it's okay.
I really commend you for pumping for so long. Not sure I would have been able to do it. I love nursing (never thought I would say that during the first horribly miserable 2 months but now I really, really do) but I HATE pumping. Hate, hate, hate! I pump 4 times a day to get three bottles for when I'm at work and I can't wait to give that part up. But I have to say...5-7 ounces per session, are you kidding...that IS a lot! I have never gotten more than 4 ounces. Most women I know don't get more than 4 ounces per session, 3 is typical for me which is why I have to pump 4 times a day for 3 4oz. bottles. For a while I was taking so much fenugreek I smelled like some twisted joke of maple syrup so strongly that I couldn't even stand myself I smelled so bad. Even then I only got 4 ounces so it wasn't worth it to me for an extra ounce per session. I've decided I'll cut back on pumping a bit and start one bottle a day of formula when the kid is 6 months. One month to go. It definitely doesn't have to be all or nothing.
another person delurking to say BRAVO.
I really do know how to spell supplements.
There. See? I did it.
I also wanted to add that I was a pumping mom with all five of mine. I didn't pump as long with my first two... I was younger when I had them and didn't have much knowledge about breastfeeding.. you know.. or the fact that I needed to eat in between trips to the NICU in order to help my body actually produce milk. With my third, I did *too much* research and spent too much time around very militant brestfeeders and ended up with the worst case of guilt and depression when I couldn't do it(would've helped if lactation had visited me at ALL after he was born). With our last, I pumped for almost 2 months and was debating on quitting since I couldn't get my preemie to latch well after she came home, when I started having my own health issues and was on anti-biotics and meds that didn't "go" with breastfeeding. I took that as my que to hand over the pump and bit it a sweet goodbye.
Julie I LOVE you for this post! I don't have kids, that's a few years off, but i've heard my mom tell about trying to nurse me sooooo many times and my heart just breaks for her. She was a first time mom, nervous, and I was soooo hungry. My aunt mixed me a bottle and my mom never looked back. And good for her. Too often women crucify themselves on this ideal we're sold that nursing is the epitome of human experience and formula is cyanide in a bottle. To hell with that. A happy healthy mom means a happy healthy baby. As long as they're fed and you're sane then everything is fine. Babies on the bottle thrive, bond with their mothers, and grow up just as happy and intelligent as breast fed babies. There are so many things that affect a child's outcome and this is just one of them. So have #2 and enjoy him. You've been through enough. You deserve it.
36 weeks pregnant with our first and I am unable to breast feed because of my medications for bipolar disorder.
It has been a guilt fest around here throughout most of the pregnancy- fetal ekgs and frequent sonograms to determine if Lithium exposure had caused any heart defects in our little dude (his heart is perfect, thank jeebus).
The morans at our former hospital (who seemed to know nothing about psych meds) suggested I give it a shot despite the danger of Lithium toxicity and impared renal function in the baby. My neurologist on the other hand, is supportive and intelligent, encouraging me and dh to bottle feed and enjoy our child.
All this as I happily leak colostrum at every shower or bath... killer colostrum. Ack!
I was going to write this "Aw, Julie, you minx! You pretend to be writing about breastfeeding, but you're really being all synecdotal here, and actually writing about how wound up we get about stuff the first time around."
And then everyone jumped in with their breastfeeding stories, so I guess it is about breastmilk, after all.
Huh.
PS But you are still a minx.
The breastfeeding "support" at our hospital (the only employee there who's ever made me cry) was adamant that if we didn't start nursing immediately, she wouldn't take to it. If we gave her a bottle, she'd be ruined forever. So, I tried for 8 weeks to get my underweight (but incubator-free) preemie to nurse. After many tears, I gave up. Then one day in week 9, she was crying inconsolably and I offered the breast. She took to it beautifully (though I swore and cried with pain for the next two weeks, and intermittently since). Rather than having a baby that won't take the breast, we've ended up with a beautifully unpicky eater. She'll take milk from a bottle, breast or cup, breast milk or formula, warm or cold. A lot of that is probably just down to her own personality, but it made me resent even more how much guilt the breastfeeding "professional" tried to lay on me.
This post hits home!! I made a difficult decision at 18 to have a breast reduction done, knowing that it would probably take away my chances of breast feeding. My surgeon was kind-hearted and did all he could do to limit my risk (ie: no nipple removal etc) and while he did a great job, my milk supply was greatly damaged. With son #1 I also had diet issues due to severe gallbladder problems (actually had it removed when he was 2 weeks old) and lactaion consultant though that was most of the problem. Between that and my milk not coming in at 6 days out, I literally had to FIGHT with my pediatrican to do formula at one week old(allergies in the family). The only other choice was to admit him back to the hospital due to the 15% body weight loss. I was made to feel that I was a horrible mother who was not putting her child first. To top it off I was told I had Raynaud's Phenomenom in my nipples....But I stuck with it because that is what we Mom's are MADE too feel that we have to do. I was lucky that my son took both boob and bottle well and we stopped brestfeeding and pumping at 7 months old. The pumping was hell and I hated most of it. BUT I was doing it for him and that was what I HAD to do...right.... :-)
Fast forward to #2 and I was even more determined to do it for her. BUT, I also allowed myself some slack this time around. We started formula on day 2 and even though I was racked with guilt, I knew she would be okay. She went on to breastfeed roughly 30% of the time until she was 11 months old. I did not pump often (unless I was away for the night) and I really feel that because I put less pressure on myself we were able able to go longer that I did with my son.
I think it is great you are allowing yourself some room. Take it from a Mom who learned the hard way-it is so worth it to take care of yourself!! Your whole family will reap the benifits of it!!
THANK YOU. I pumped for 6 weeks for my daughter, until I went to my follow up appointment and my bp was STILL 190/100. My PCP put me on 2 meds and told me to stop pumping...better have formula than dead mommy from stroke. However, the Boob Nazis in the NICU were all over me, offering to call my PCP to get my meds switched, etc. because apparently me eeking out a meager (and I mean meager!) supply of breastmilk was more important than staying alive (I declined...thought I would rather stick around and give her a bottle). I am really very gun-shy about the whole feeding thing this time around. Everything you said about trying with the second I am in total agreement. And fwiw, my daughter's preschool teacher has told us she is the brightest child she has had in her class in over 15 years of teaching. And she is never sick. It's all good. Most of all, I agree that it is the CHOICE OF THE PARENTS and no one has a right to judge any choice being made.
Wow - my son was born at 10:22pm (interrupting the season premiere of Lost - oh and he was conceived 3 weeks before the season finale of Lost and I was not allowed to watch said episode for fear I might miscarry - ha!). I did the exact same thing as you did - pumped for five and half months and put myself through hell. Reading your post reminds me that if I should ever get so lucky as to have another baby....I'm going to borrow your attitude. I'll never torture myself (and him) again! Thanks for a great website.
OK I am an idiot with Lost on the brain - the show was 24~ How could I forget. Only 24 can get my heart pumping so hard that I fear I might miscarry....
I nursed/pumped for a year w/#1; and felt much as you do Julie upon the arrival of #2. #1 was a lousy nurser - but loved it. #2? Nurses like a champ but could take it or leave it. @10 mo when I decided to pack the pump up and supplement w/formula he didn't care. As we're nearing boob-free territory, *I'm* suddenly kinda melancholy about never nursing my little guy anymore. But those first 3 weeks with #1? AN UNHOLY NIGHTMARE...and so when I was expecting #2; I too swore that I wouldn't make myself crazy about it. And it was a huge relief! As was the idea that I didn't have to labor as a C-sec was advised and scheduled.
Thank you Julie for voicing what so many of us feel!
Like Siri, I too had an understanding surgeon that did all he could to keep my breasts intact enough to nurse after a reduction. Unfortunately, despite hospital grade pumping 8 times a day, choking down my body weight in Fenugreek, then nursing and supplementing at EVERY feeding, I still wasn't able to build enough supply. We gave up at 8 weeks, thank god. I was crying at every feeding because I wasn't 'measuring up'. We're both much happier now.
Talk about scary La Leche members, my Mom was a LLL leader for years. She didn't support my decision to get the reduction, and now makes comments like, "I know it was difficult, but you didn't really try all that hard to nurse." and "Don't you regret the surgery now that you can't breastfeed?" She even gives me hell about starting to supplement during a severe case of jaundice when I was barely producing an ounce every 2 hours, Argh!
At first, I wasn't sure what you were saying. But after reading, I get it, probably more than you know.
I pumped for almost a year for my 2nd baby. He did not want to nurse. DID.NOT.WANT.TO. So me, being the stubborn woman I am pumped exclusively for him for almost a full year. I pumped so much I was able to feed him plus another baby-an adopted baby I donated my leftover frozen milk to.
When I got pregnant again, I KNEW I would not be able to do that again. It was either nurse normally or formula. Thank goodness he took to nursing like a champ.
I hope your new little one does too.
I tell ya, if I'd had to pump like you did, I don't think I would have lasted six months. Damn. That sounds really hard, and pumping is right up there on my list of least-favorite activities.
But since you are planning on trying breastfeeding anyway, try to give it a few weeks at least. I think it's very normal for the first few weeks to be challenging. But once you get past the bowling-ball boob stage (wherein your boobs become impossibly enormous and hard as a rock), and once your nurples stop hurting so damn much, and once your baby gets the hang of it, there's a good chance it will be great for both of you. In addition to the bonding yada yada (which may be overemphasized, but which I loved) it's a hell of a lot cheaper (read: free), not to mention more convenient that standing in the kitchen at 3 a.m. heating a bottle while your baby waits screaming in your arms.
But if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. No big deal. And don't let anyone guilt you about it either. Do what you gotta do.
My own horrible breastfeeding experiences are mirrored in some other comments - low supply, endless hours chained to the pump, baby who wouldn't latch, blah blah blah. If I have a second, I can't even say I'll try to breastfeed, so dreadful were those times nearly two years ago. So bad, I'm still bitter about the quality time it took away from my daughter and me.
I do find it interesting that even amongst the more open-minded folks, "reasons" are always mentioned. For instance, when a woman's choice to not breastfeed is discussed, those who rush to her defense feel the need to mention the myriad reasons she may have chosen bottle feeding - cancer, medication, PPD, baby's inability to latch, etc. Why does this need to happen? Why does it matter what her reasons are? It is her choice, one she shouldn't have to defend. If I have a second and don't choose to breastfeed after all, that's my business. No need to quantify why I'm not doing it, I'm just not. End of story.
Sorry, I've just climbed off my soapbox and realised this isn't about me. Ahem.
By the way, when you're in the hospital, ask the nurse (or lactation consultant if you have one) for a nipple shield, if you don't have one. BEST THING EVER. I would never have stuck with breastfeeding without it. Reduced the soreness immensely.
And yes, people can really lay on the guilt. I breastfed my son til he weaned himself at 12 months. And I had a few moms who got after me about not sticking with it longer. I mean, 12 MONTHS, PEOPLE. I felt that was more than adequate.
I had a 25 weeker, and a very difficult pumping and nursing experience that involved the evil drug reglan, too many crying sessions to count, and the desire to cry every time I think or talk about about it now. I am proud that I pumped like a mad woman, b/c I truly believe the breast milk helped save his life, but Oh MY GOD, it was hard. We are now on the road to adopting a baby. The ONE sure thing I ALWAYS feel about adopting this baby (when the doubts and fears creep in) -- I am so happy to not have to worry about breast feeding -- yay!
(please don't anyone mention adoptive breastfeeding, (hands over ears -- la, la, la) we pretend that does not exist around here :)
Erin
I have a hard time believing that babies who are breast-fed exclusively for the first six months are smarter than other babies. Environment and *potential* have everything to do with how intelligent a child is, regardless of whether that child was breast-fed or not. I don't believe that a child who is breast-fed by his/her mother, but is otherwise neglected or abused has a better IQ than kids who are not breast-fed, but who are doted on and loved by both parents. My daughter was breast-fed for six weeks - she had reflux so bad that she could barely keep any of it down. I pumped and supplemented for as long as I could, but when it comes right down to it, my bond with her is as strong as any mother/baby bond could be. She's 18-months old now, and she's a genius. I'm sure she's made up for those lost IQ points just through her father and I being great parents.