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05/21/2008
That earsplitting noise you hear is merely the "everything's okay" alarm
On the one hand, it seems incredible to me that the immediate run up to Charlie's birth went completely unchronicled here. After all, I was pregnant after infertility, and therefore pretty sure that something was bound to go wrong. (We can be a little, well, funny like that.) On the other hand, I thought I knew what it would be. So although the first hint of blood would have driven me immediately to the hospital with my toothbrush, my laptop, and a reasonable understanding of what might happen next, the stomach ache that Monday didn't seem particularly worrisome.
I did what I should have when the pain got severe; I called my OB's office and asked what I should do. "Don't eat anything," the nurse suggested helpfully, questionable advice to give a gestational diabetic. I ignored her, ate three Kavli Thins, and waited for the pain to subside, which it eventually did.
Tuesday the pain returned. I called and made a date to see a doctor the next day, Wednesday at 3 PM. When the pain subsided, I decided that unless I started hurting again before my appointment, I'd cancel so we could stick to our plan to leave town for the Thanksgiving holiday.
And I felt just fine, so I cancelled. Packed the car, drove out of town, and had a baby three days later.
The pain came back Wednesday night, finding me lying on the bathroom floor of a Connecticut Marriott Courtyard, dry heaving and wondering why my shoulder hurt so much. And again on Friday morning, in the car, driving alone, trying to find my way to Paul's aunt's house where his family waited to give us a baby shower. Pulling over to lean out of the car to be sick, getting back on the road, fetching up in a parking lot several towns over, eventually calling Paul, crying, to say I couldn't make it alone.
I don't remember a lot about that Friday. I think I remember laughing in the car with Paul once he'd picked me up — Jesus gay, is this fucked up. I do remember how kind his cousins were, and the way the physical therapist and the massage therapist took turns rubbing my feet in his aunt's darkened bedroom. I remember being horribly embarrassed that I'd upset their plans to celebrate. I remember the pain eventually receding enough for me to eat a piece of dry toast and a scrambled egg, and to open the presents they'd chosen and wrapped.
Saturday I got dressed, ate a banana, and called my OB. What I wanted was a prescription for the pain, enough of something to get me home, a five-hour drive away. What she gave me was the advice I wish I'd been given on the phone five days before: Take your blood pressure. If it's above 140/90, call me, then go to the nearest emergency room.
Paul drove to the supermarket a short way from our hotel, where I used their blood pressure testing machine, paged my OB, and waited for her to call back. Crying, I lurched down the health and beauty aisle, opening a bottle of Tums and a package of Zantac, chewing too many of both. (I'd have chewed a raw nugget of heroin if I'd thought it would soothe the pain, but I do not believe Safeway sells that. Which is too bad because that week by purest coincidence I happened to have a manufacturer's coupon.)
Though the hospital was a scant mile away, the route was indirect and the store pharmacist's instructions unclear. Paul was swearing as he drove, certainly as scared as I was. I don't know how long it took us to get there because I was too busy crying and vomiting down the front of my sweater. I know how long we waited in triage: Long enough for me to lose my fucking mind, heaving and crying, wailing loudly at the nurse who'd exclaimed, "You're pregnant?! Why didn't you go straight to L&D?"
Why, indeed. To L&D I went, clutching my stinking sweater to my face, and stayed for the next five days. I got off easy; Charlie stayed for forty-two.
Today I am 29 weeks, as far as I was that Monday when my stomach started to hurt. And so far I am fine.
At my last OB appointment, something wonderful happened. The doctor, one I hadn't met before, examined me, leaned back on her rolling stool, and said, "I would never have recognized you from your chart." My blood pressure is fine. No proteinuria. No persistent swelling. No unexplained weight gain. No pain. The occasional headaches I get are easily kept at bay with Tylenol. The occasional bloodwork shows that my liver function is unimpaired, my platelet levels unexceptionable. Biweekly non-stress tests show that the baby is fine. So far, I'm not sick.
Of course, that was true last time, too, at 28 weeks, and HELLP and preeclampsia can both set in quite suddenly with no real warning, no matter how carefully a patient is monitored. I made the mistake of asking my MFM doctor whether we should be encouraged that all signs so far are good — whether that had any predictive value, or whether it simply meant that we were fine for now. No predictive value, she said, temporarily deflating my enthusiasm. But I have rallied. At 29 weeks, "so far, I'm not sick" is better than I've ever been. We're watching, and I'm waiting, but for now, "better than I've ever been" feels very good indeed.
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Julie,
I'm so glad you've made it this far. I can only imagine how freaked out I would be, reaching the same gestational age as when everything went SPLAT last time. But, as you said, so far you are not sick. Charlie is well, his dramatic entrance to the world well behind him, and this new little superhero safely ensconsed inside you. I wish you nothing but the best-and about 10 more weeks of 'better than you've ever been'. Good wishes to your family.
Here's hoping you stay better than you've ever been until at least 36 weeks. Glad you are doing so well.
I check in a few times a day to make sure some helpful interloper isn't posting an update about your condition. Each day that doesn't happen gives me a feeling of cautious relief, as though I'm smiling while still slightly crouched and ready to spring into action. What action I do not know.
Excellent! And I will be SO HAPPY to read boring, mundane, routine posts from you for the duration!
I so remember reading the story about Charlie's arrival with my heart in my throat, omg, we are lucky you are both still around.
"So far, I'm not sick" sounds freakin awesome compared to the last time. I am sure I speak for all the Intenets when I say we are all hoping for many more "fine for now" days until the "next best day of your life" arrives.
<<<>>>
Julie, reaching this milestone and not being sick is a huge relief. It may not have any predictive value but it is still something.
I also want to thank you. I've been reading your blog for three years -- after you had Charlie but while I was struggling to conceive. Your experience educated me. Gave me the big huge clues to look for on the way that might indicate we were going someplace scary. My previous doc thought I was nuts to be so concerned despite having about 6 risk factors for bad outcomes. I switched docs. New doc watched carefully and acted as soon as things started looking scary -- BP has been up but as soon as it hit anything over 90 I was pulled from work, put on BP meds and set up for weekly monitoring. When I get any indication of other symptoms I call him, no matter the hour and we get it figured out. For me, so far so good is also a god send -- several weeks have passed and I haven't gotten worse. But I can't imagine what might have happened if I weren't being monitored so closely or if I didn't know what I was supposed to look for. So thank you thank you thank you.
Hope your good health continues.
Sarah
I check in every day, and hold my breath a little. I've been around long enough for this post to be a flashback of what you three went through. Although it made for some damn fine writing, let's not do that again, okay? Please keep the good news and updates coming. (You know we worry when you don't post!) All of us people rooting for a long and healthy pregnancy has to some type of cyber-good-juju effect, no?
You've also inspired me. Blogs didn't exist way back when my water decided to break at 29 weeks. I think it's time I type it all out before the details get too fuzzy.
Thanks for sticking with us. xoxo
Julie, congratulations on reaching today in good health. I'm so happy for you!
I wanted to also thank you - I'm about to graduate from medical school and start residency at a program with a large NICU. I did spend a month this year as the guppy med student you chronicled back during Charlie's time there. Your writing gave me a perspective that is largely lacking in our education - the parents' perspective. Reading your blog has helped me be more sensitive to parents' needs. So, thanks!
Yeeehaaaaa for So-Far-So-Good!!!!
Right now I am totally baffled as to why I didn't have placenta previa the last go round, but you did. I had fibroids, previous uterine surgery, a multiple gestation, and it was an IVF pregnancy...plus I was 35. I can't believe that I sailed through my pregnancy woefully ignorant of all the shit that could happen, avoiding a ton of pregnancy pitfalls like Mr. MgGoo. This time around I have a cluster of fibroids right where they need to do the C section, which could demand a dreaded vertical incision to avoid hitting them, and the massive bleeding that would occur. Still, I am fairly confident that the fibroids will "migrate" leaving me in the clear. I'm not sure if this is blind optimism or unbridled stupidity on my part. I am also certain that if you were in my shoes and had fibroids to worry about, on top of all the other crap that you already have to deal with, the fibroids would be circled in an unbreakable ring around your fetus. If I could take on some of your bad luck so that you could make it to D day with you and baby in perfect health, I certainly would. Do you hear that God????
No, no, thank you, Sara! Much guppy love to you.
How difficult it must be for you to "commemorate" this gestational week . . . but how relieved you must feel that . . . touch wood . . . so far, so good!! I hope you continue to be in good health and that you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Can't wait to hear about the happy birth of Charlie's brother, Natalie!
I just wanted to pop in again and say, first, congrats on your milestone(!!!), and second, thank you AGAIN for basically blogging about my pregnancy (how are you getting inside my brain?!?!?). This Friday (the 23rd) will not only be my birthday, but it will mark the gestational age I had my daughter (28 weeks, 5 days). And I am still pregnant. And still fine. Not in the hospital, not breaking blood pressure machines, not spilling enough protein to equal a small cow. Just some surprise Gestational Diabetes (of course, I came here first when I found out...your blog saved me again!!!) which is currently being controlled with diet. When I found out I was pregnant, and I saw you were too, I had this strange superstitious need to believe that if you were going to be ok this time, I would too. So stay ok, would ya? So far, your voodoo is working! Heather
You're doing great...hang in there!!
Did you know that in my culture the number 29 is a lucky number, and that we are supposed to eat gnocchi on the 29th of each month? Yes. So go eat some gnocchi to celebrate your lucky 29.
I'm thrilled that things are going good right now. I remember the constant fear and just trying to get Past the gestation that I'd had my first child at, with my 2nd. It didn't happen for me, but I have much different issues than you have had. If nothing else though, I can relate to the fear that I'm sure you have, constantly hoping that it all doesn't happen again. Having it happen again almost sucks more than it happening in the first place(although.. the suckage is quite equal), and You and that belly have been in my thoughts since you announced that you were pregnant again.
Super glad that all is well and I look very forward to hearing about all of it.
I'm crossing fingers that you are pregnant long enough to enjoy being as big as a house, your esophagus constantly on fire from heartburn, experiencing the thrill of the mere act of turning over in bed becoming a million dollar production.
Seriously. Good luck. :)
Woo-Hoo!!!
I am so happy for you and wish you the most mundane, carefree, ho-hum rest of the pregnancy that there ever was!
I remember reading about all of it when you were able to post it, remember the worry, the prayers, that huge stack of ups boxes and the relief when it was finally clear that you were both going to be ok.
This time around, I wish for you a lot less excitement, no sickness this pregnancy, and a delivery less complicated medically and emotionally.
Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story!
Congrats on making it this far (and further). It's encouraging to hear. I found your blog after my son was born at 29wks. (2 1/2 years ago OMG and still no clear reason as to why he arrived early).We're currently trying for number two and I can only imagine the franticness that my mind and body will be going through as I reach that stage.
I can only say that I check frequently and thank you for sharing your story and milestones. Hoping you make it all the way to the end and that all goes well.
I'm very glad to hear that it's going so well this time.
My friend's pregnancy experience (which has no bearing on what happens in your body, but which I hope will give you some hope): Finally pregnant with twins after 2 years of fertility treatments, hospitalized with eclampsia for 6 weeks of bedrest, nearly died before delivering at 30 weeks, tubes tied. 9 months later turned up pregnant again (woops!), considered terminating due to experience with first pregnancy, kept child, had textbook perfect pregnancy!
I figure that your body knows what it's doing this time around, and is shooting to get an A from the teacher since it barely got a D on the last test.
Keep the good work up!!
Wow - so glad to know this one's going so much better - here's to making it all the way!
Excellent news, dear girl.
Every morning I go to my bloglines and when I see that you are BOLD my heart lurches a little as I click ... then I see you've posted about ice cream or something and I exhale.
I'm so pleased to read that little Natalie doesn't seem inclined to make an early entrance. Or, rather, that your body isn't inclined towards an early eviction.
At this point, every day is such a gift. Every day brings so much development. Your situation just gets better and better.
I am happily hoping to read in a few weeks how you Just Want This Kid Out. Now.
I am so happy for you! I don't want to have to knock wood, so I'll keep it at that. But fourteen days from now? I'll have a lot of smack to talk about some neonatal rounds docs who can shove it.
So I wonder how many hundreds of women are, as I am, holding their collective breath on your behalf these days? As Getupgrrl would have said, NBHHY.
29 weeks was always the mile marker for me. If I got to 29 weeks I was happy. That meant I had 4 more weeks until the lungs were developed. Then I could go ahead have all the preterm labor I wanted!
My doc always gave me steriods at 29 weeks to help the baby along. I was always dilated to 4 by that point and 90% effaced. With my daughter I was dilated to 4 at 25 weeks. How in the world we ended up inducing her is beyond me! I guess there is something bigger out there.
I will praying for you.
29 weeks was always the mile marker for me. If I got to 29 weeks I was happy. That meant I had 4 more weeks until the lungs were developed. Then I could go ahead have all the preterm labor I wanted!
My doc always gave me steriods at 29 weeks to help the baby along. I was always dilated to 4 by that point and 90% effaced. With my daughter I was dilated to 4 at 25 weeks. How in the world we ended up inducing her is beyond me! I guess there is something bigger out there.
I will praying for you.
Copious amounts 'baby-stay-the-hell-in-there' thoughts are heading your way.
:)
Wait -- the doctor read your chart? Now that IS good news. Even better, though, is the news that she didn't recognize the current pregnant you based on notes about your earlier experiences.
Here's hoping for many more unexciting weeks.
Oh, Julie; it makes me want to hug you!
Those perinatologists and maternal/fetal medicine specialists are the best, aren't they? I mean, I don't think they could get me through a second pregnancy, but they did get me to 31 weeks with the first one, and I am eternally grateful that they (a) gave me knowledgeable reassurance and (b) provided the vigilant obstetric care I needed.
Delurking to say that I'm relieved and delighted that everything's going better this time. Love and best wishes from NZ.
Farther than you've ever been before and still feeling okay...that has to be a good thing and some sort of sign to boot. Not that I'm a prophet. But I'm damned hopeful.
Glad to hear you've made it so far without problems--here's hoping the next 11 weeks go just as well!
Wow, you've made it to the safe zone! I'm so glad. Congratulations and here's hoping for the next 11 weeks.
I remember last time around. Fingers crossed for a continued lack of drama this time.
J
Congrats on making it this far, and lots of luck to make it a whole lot further. And thanks for sharing your story, it has helped so many of us. I had my boy 9 days ago, at 30 weeks 5 days. Got the steroid shots just in time, and he is doing remarkably well (though a teeny tiny 2 lbs. 9 oz. because he had poor fetal growth as well). Probably looking at another month or so in the NICU, but I can do that. Thanks for making those of us going through this not feel quite so alone. That being said, I have every hope that your experience this time will be completely different. Here's to an uneventful full-term pregnancy!
Love your blog julie, am due with my first bub in a week and reading your blog made me grateful to be able to complain about the possibility of having to be induced. I think in this case it is appropriate to say I hope you get good and fat and have all the joys of the last few weeks of pregnancy.
While this might not have any predictive value it's a helluva lot better than not making it this far, right?
So very glad that things are going so very well this time. I remember the last time all too well and just wish for everything to be easier this time around for you.
All kidding aside, here in California, fingers are crossed on your behalf, and there is much "ohming" to maintain the "So, far, I'm not sick" status quo.
~C~
Props on not being sick, yo. Mad propz. Keep your legs crossed and hold that baby in ;)
And I also think it's a good omen that the doctor read your chart and paid enough attention to notice that, hey, you are lookin' pretty good compared to said chart. Yay!
Julie, I am so happy you've made it this far. I made it 28 weeks 6 days with my pregnancy, and I re-read your archives when my daughter was in the NICU. Your words really helped me then, and I'm placing a looooooot of stock in your current pregnancy. No pressure! You are so strong...you're my hero.
Hurray hurray hurray hurray! Fantastic news, long - about 11 more weeks long - may it continue.
Sooo happy that everything is going so well so far! My fingers are crossed that you will have at least 8 more weeks of healthy pregnancy ahead of you...
I started reading your blog/archives when you were pregnant with Charlie and we were still in the middle of the TTC-circus. It's been an enourmous support for me over the years, and it helped me prepare for our IVF's. Also, when our twins (yep, we caved and had 2 tranferred) were born at "just" 32 weeks (yes, we got those extra couple of weeks you would've loved so much with Charlie) I was a little less overwhelmed with the whole preemie/NICU thing. It still scared the hell out of me, but I felt I was at least a bit familiar with all the terminology and monitors and all. And if Charlie made it, our twins could too. And they did, babbling and laughing away in their bouncy seats at 5 months!
Thank you so much!! And go Nathalie!!!! Make your big brother proud!
I'm with Alex - YOUR MD READ YOUR CHART? wow. Once I got past that, overjoyed to hear of the uneventful progress. As many earlier commenters have noted, you have helped so many, Julie. Keeping all appendages crossed that you have 10 more boring weeks of this pregnancy... 39 weeks sounds nice and fullterm to me.
I'm SO glad to hear 'so far so good' and hoping like hell that things continue to go as smoothly for you and baby.
Congratulations on this excellent milestone. Hooray for today, and best of luck for the next few weeks.