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07/21/2008
Everything must go, including my serenity
You know, I'll cop to cranky. I admit I'm on edge lately, and not just because a couple of celebrities declare they like to have sex. If the headline grab seems a little desperate to me, if making an announcement before there's anything to announce strikes me as worthy of at least a cynical sigh, if I get a little testy at hearing, "It sure is fun to try!" when that is, after all, a supremely grating response many of us have heard more than once when opening up about our reproductive difficulties — well, it is in the grand scheme of things a petty gripe. One, incidentally, to which I feel entitled, being no less prone to irrational flares of irritation than anyone else, but that perhaps I should mutter only to myself.
What's weighing more heavily are the last couple of weeks of this pregnancy. I feel like we're in a good place as far as readiness goes, insomuch as anyone can be ready. That's not to say I have ranks of spotless onesies massed at the ready, or that my freezer is stocked with anything but mysterious packages bearing labels like SMILODON, 1.5 MILLION B.C., or that I've even considered packing a hospital bag. And it's not that I feel emotionally prepared for any of it, because I don't — I'm not convinced you can, that you can have any real idea exactly what's going to hit you. It's more that we know, from our experience with Charlie, how little any of that really matters. We know that somehow, sometime between actually delivering a baby and, oh, his first birthday, you get ready, onesies, meals, breakdowns and all. That knowledge feels like preparation enough.
It's just the big finish that's eating at me. Even having passed into the storied land of full-term pregnancy — 37 weeks and change — I worry still about the baby's safety. This worry is exacerbated by having flunked my last two non-stress tests. A non-stress test involves sitting quietly while the baby's movement and heart rate and any uterine contractions are tracked. It is expected that the baby will move a certain number of times throughout the testing period, and that his heart rate will rise correspondingly a certain number of beats above baseline for a certain duration. I've been doing these twice weekly since about 26 weeks. My last two were clunkers, and I can tell you that it's deeply unnerving to sit strapped to a fetal monitor for 75 minutes while the nurse slides the readout paper through her hands looking for responsive spikes in the baby's heart rate, sucks air through her teeth, and says, "I don't know, maybe this one will count..." And then it doesn't.
When this happens, the immediate result is a biophysical profile, a detailed ultrasound checking to see if the baby is moving, if he's practicing breathing, if he has adequate amniotic fluid. In my case, it also includes a careful look at the placenta and umbilical cord with the Doppler to make sure the blood flow is unimpeded. And those have been reassuring. But just like any other similar technology, which falls considerably short of the powerful combined crystal ball/Eye of Sauron I wish someone would invent, they only tell us what's already happened; they can't tell us what's up next. Although the baby is moving, things have gone brilliantly throughout this pregnancy, and I have no concrete reason to suspect a problem, because of these worrying NSTs I can't stop hearing the doctor telling me, "If you notice a decrease in movement, come in sooner rather than later."
For most of these 30-some weeks I've been fine. Relatively even-tempered, ready to assume the best in absence of proof of the worst. Even now, I'm not panicking, and I'm not assuming the worst. The BPPs tell us that everything's still okay. But I'm still white-knuckled and tense, and apparently starting to show some strain.
(From the other end of the house I'm sure Paul just heard me type that combination of keystrokes, because I think I just heard him yelp, "Starting?!")
So on to something a little more diverting. Free stuff for you. Let's start with the chocolates, shall we? The lucky commenters, each winning an edible something from Vermont's Lake Champlain Chocolates, selected at random were Mary, kj, and micki! Please check your e-mail and we'll make arrangements.
Next we have a handsome brace of cats. (Click to enlarge.) They come from a pattern by Keiko Goke featured in Kaffe Fassett's Quilt Road. They are stitched up Frankenstein-style from a collection of orphan blocks — blocks I acquired in Internet swaps but could never find a home for, and, in the case of the black-headed fellow, a block I screwed up when I was making a quilt to be mentioned in about two paragraphs.
Please meet Cat #1 (front and back), Cat #2 (front and back), and Cat #3 (front and back). Their progenitor, Cat Zero (front and back), is staying with me. See? I do understand the value of a well-loved pet.
The cats are gifts for runners-up in the quilt giveaway I proposed back in — gulp — 2006. Please consider them my apology for the unconscionable delay in finishing this up, and give them good homes. This means you, Rebecca S., Amanda L., and Monica K.! Check your e-mail for details.
And finally, half a century in the making, the quilt itself. Way back when, many, many of you contributed to a friend's adoption. I am pleased and grateful beyond measure to inform you that the girl you generously helped is now at home with her sister and her adoptive family. Since I began this quilt, she has settled in nicely; completed primary school, high school, and college; achieved several advanced degrees; built a family of her own; met with wild success and professional acclaim in the career path of her choice; and is now approaching menopause with grace, good humor, and a deep sense of contentment.
Well, it has been a while, anyway...
Back to the quilt. (Click the photo for a larger view, but be warned: it's big.) It's from a pattern called Feathered Goose by Judy Niemeyer, who's known in the quilting world for intricate patterns with lots of pointy parts. It features a combination of paper piecing and curved piecing, two of the fiddliest and most time-consuming techniques I know. It also features my own signature technique, which involves carefully selecting every single piece in the quilt; agonizing over each print, including each patch of black-on-black and white-on-white, which vary throughout the quilt; and staring really hard at the progression until it seems to make some visual sense or until I got sick of looking at it, whichever came last. Based on a very rough count of each block's component pieces, I believe I did this approximately 1,348 times.
I think I will call this quilt I Swear I Almost Went Blind Like A Fucking Flemish Lacemaker.
But I am really happy with the result: a quilt I'm proud of having made, and an incredible reward — having helped to give someone a family, y'all! — that makes me weepy, lo these slow geological eras later. (Click to enlarge.)
Now, who won it? Why, Catherine C. (Kate) did! Check your e-mail if that's your name and you remember, sometime back when we were all still busy crawling out of the tar pits, entering to win.
And that is all I have today. Tomorrow: another NST, another doctor visit, and — who knows? — maybe, if we're lucky, another unattractive scene.
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Thinking good thoughts for you. I log in everyday to see if you delivered yet :) Good luck from a fellow GD sufferer.
You get to be cranky.
When you're hot and stressed and things are about to change - even good change - you get to be cranky.
Many hugs to the artist woman capable of such beauty and who thrills us with her words and works.
Breath. Breath. Breath.
Oh, Julie, I am so, so sorry you have to worry about the NST results now and so glad the BPPs are looking good. I have everything crossed for your test tomorrow. All good wishes. Long time lurker, first time commenting.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe, I meant....meaning you. ;-)
But who wins the skull-and-crossbones maternity shirt that you will not need once Currently-Carefully-Ensconced-And-Totally-Fine makes his healthy debut?
The quilt is beautiful.
I had no complications with my 3 sons, but in the last few weeks I was always very anxious because I felt like more bad could come of them being in then in being out. I wanted them where I could see them, and know they were safe.
I failed a NST near the end of my pregnancy too, probably because he was SO FRICKIN BIG (over 10 lbs). I hope they'll just do your c-section if there is even the slighest question. Once you're 38 weeks, it seems better to just deliver you than to send you home with the "If you notice ANYTHING!" panic and rush to the hospital.
You are SO ALMOST DONE. Hang in there.
Beautiful sewing work, by the way. How you find the time to do it, I will never understand.
I want a cat but I don't know anybody that quilts!!!!!!
The quilt though, is beautful, stunning, amazing and a complete and total work of art.
My second child, he of the totally out of whack fetal protein numbers, the level 2 ultrasound, the PIH, and the every week NSTs from 20 weeks was a placid babe both before and after he was born. Biding his time, he was, 'cause he was hell on wheels from about 9 months old. Now he's a teenager and has returned to his
sloth wayscalm nature. Spends a lot of time ensuring the laws of gravity remain in force. The couch hasn't budged an inch on his watch.The point? Oh, yeah, sorry. The point is that a failed NST is not necessarily an accurate indication that anything is wrong. Poor thing's running out of space, and you expect him to perform on command? He's tiiiiiiiired. You're almost done (and cranky at this point is perfectly normal.)
Just want to say thank you for removing the ability to comment on your previous post. I think from now on I'm going to read your blog and skip the comments - you always say it better anyhow :)
Been thinking about you almost every day now. I don't know if that's creepy or... creepy. But my happythoughts are headed your way anyway.
Julie, My final NST of my final pregnancy (he's celebrating his first birthday on Friday) showed a fetal heart rate that was off-the-charts high and I had to drive myself to labor and delivery and be monitored there for a few hours (so they could rip the boy out of my belly fast if necessary, although they never said that.)
But then the heart rate went back to normal and they SENT ME HOME. The nurse was not at all reassuring when I asked her: "so does this mean all your patients who have had this and been sent home all have had happy outcomes?" She stuttered and told me to do kick counts. I was just two days away from my scheduled c-section at the time.
Given all the things we know about what can go wrong with things, I just wanted to beg for a c-section right at that moment. Screw the planning. Maybe you are doing the same at your NSTs.
But I went home and all went as planned two days later.
Here's wishing you a quick and happy resolution to your third-trimester anxiety.
(love the cats, BTW.)
*sigh* I'm a Rebecca S. that donated and those cats are so adorable, but alas, there is nothing in my inbox. :+( I may have to go buy the pattern...they are lovely!!!
And congratulations on finally finishing the quilt! I have so many unfinished projects.
Oh, Julie, the quilt is beautiful. If it were me, I'd have a really hard time giving it away, especially with all the work involved. I'm still working on my *first* quilt, after 4 months, and it's just a baby-blanket sized one. I'm in awe. It really is gorgeous. And don't worry, you're almost done being pregnant. Just a little while left. You (and baby) will be fine.
Hi Julie,
Best wishes for tomorrow - may everything go smoothly.
You most certainly get to be cranky. I just read your Kool aide post and i'm nearly in stitches.
You know, I have 2 children. I gave not one hoot about how the experience of bringing them into the world would be for ME - I just wanted the BABY to be HEALTHY.
"Magical", "Transcendent" "Beautiful"? How fucking self-indulgent can other women get?
I mean seriously.
Peace,
kath
Sorry, Rebecca — just double checked to make sure nothing went awry. Alas, it's a different Rebecca S.
Sorry for the recent worries. In a few weeks you'll be holding that baby and all will be well. It's just getting there that is nerve-wracking.
And wow, that is one marvelous quilt.
They've taken away your carbs, and now you aren't supposed to rant, either?
Sheesh.
I would like to point out that there's a link on the People page that takes you to a comment by Rebecca Romijn (sp?) in which she expresses the hope that getting pregnant takes luck. So at least one part of the couple has a clue.
I had 2 pregnancies and deliveries so textbook I think the doctor wondered why I came for check ups, sometimes ... I think I could have just shown up at the hospital in labor and we all would have been fine. Not to brag, but my point is that even I also got increasingly nervous as the weeks from about 35+ ticked on. I had come so far, I just wanted that baby OUT where I could see if something (some nameless, shapeless thing) was wrong with her.
Hang in there. I think your feeling is normal and understandable. I hope they just go ahead and schedule that C-section and be done with it.
75 minutes is a long time. I had an MRI once that lasted 90 minutes and I couldn't even wiggle my toes or it we'd 'have to start all over.' It was as if the soul of a go-go dancer had suddenly entered my body - all I wanted to do was move my body.
Good luck to you in the final weeks.
75 minutes is a long time. I had an MRI once that lasted 90 minutes and I couldn't even wiggle my toes or it we'd 'have to start all over.' It was as if the soul of a go-go dancer had suddenly entered my body - all I wanted to do was move my body.
Good luck to you in the final weeks.
Definitely, DEFINITELY a work of art... absolutely gorgeous quilt!
Can't wait to see the next beautiful work of art your body produces (in the form of baby, if you don't catch my drift...)!
The quilt turned out lovely, and the cats are fantastic! One day, maybe, in a parallel dimension, I'm going to take up quilting. I would love to craft lovely things with fabric and thread, but I'm afraid I don't have the patience...
Hoping the time before the boy makes his appearance (handsome and healthy!) flies by for you as much as it possibly can, and that the worry and stress are kept to a minimum as much as they possibly can...if only, right? Sending you good thoughts.
Your quilts are absolutely incredible. So, beautiful.
Good luck tomorrow.
If I *pay* you, will you make me a quilt like that?! Julie, it's GORGEOUS!!
This is your blog and if you want to rant because you are very pregnant and very worried then go for it. Tell anyone that doesn't like it to bite you. You are amazing and so is that quilt. I have been been a long time lurker and admirer. Even though I am now sounding all creepy stalker I promise I'm not and I'll just shut up after I say good luck.
Kick counts are good. I noticed my son stop moving when I was nearly 41 weeks. Ergo the non-stress test that he flunked. And the BPP he flunked. And the switch from birthing center waterbirth to induction. That ended up a c-section. And a live child.
I'd say don't worry as long as the BPP is fine, but...I left my magic wand at home. Who wouldn't worry?
I can't remember if you decided to try a VBAC or not... But it seems to me that 37 weeks is close enough for government work, and it's time to get that baby out, already, whatever that entails.
For the record, I was induced at 36 weeks with a cytotec/water breaking combo (which got several 5.8s and a 5.9 from the French judge) and it was not any harder than my all-natural granola humping did it all by my widdle self labor with Daughter #1. So, with those two measly data points, that is my Induction Method of Choice - if it happens to come up. Don't listen to all the nay saying "psychotec" websites - they're just attention hos.
Hang in there!!
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
I know about the non-conclusive NSTs leading to the BPP. I did the same with my son. From about 28 weeks until delivery...twice weekly wherein the kid would laze in the amniotic fluid and stick his tongue out at the operator. He was as laid back as I am (and if I were any more laid back I would be in a coma) and his heartbeat rarely cooperated. The BPPs were all spot on (why couldn't they just skip the NST and go straight to the BPP???).
An amnio at 37 weeks confirmed lung maturity and my perio said "more bad than good can happen from here on in" and he was born at 37 wks, 6 days. Have you been told that yet?
First off, OMG the quilt is so gorgeous! You should be amazingly proud! Helping people and making beautiful things. The cats are equally adorable. We never doubted your love of pets.
Sorry to hear the NST are not going well. I check every day hoping to hear good news. My son was a 29 weeker and as I have very recently become pregnant again, I can only imagine how concerned I'm going to be as this pregnancy progresses. I'm rooting for yours to end with a perfect child with no issues.
Thank you for your rant about the women with perfect transdecent pregnancy and births. The truth is that luck has TONS to do with it. I did everything I was supposed to and still found myself with a 2 and a half month NICU stay. But still I feel lucky that now he's healthy, growing and pretty perfect (at least in my eyes). And I know Charlie is the same for you.
Good Luck!
I freaked out too toward the end of my pregnancy, when it seemed Keira's movements decreased. It's great to have at least some reassurance from the tests. We know that the baby is big though--maybe he's just run out of room to move around comfortably.
I am loving your rants, and I just have to say, I'm not particularly opposed to CYA medicine...I WANT my doctor to Cover-His-Ass while I'm under his care--meticulously avoiding any accidental/negligent death lawsuit that will be filed after killing me and/or my baby. He's got free reign to do whatever it takes to send me home alive, with an alive baby.
Hey, I'm all for having a great "experience" while birthing. But my idea of a great experience results in a live baby at the end.
WOW! It HAS been a while! The quilt is beautiful and I'm thrilled to have won such a special piece. The reasons you made it...the reasons I came to this place and joined such an amazing group of women...the reasons I entered for a chance to win...all of it wrapped up in that beautiful fabric. (I'm getting all goofy and emotional now)
I wish you well with the birth of your baby. I know. That's all I can say. I know.
{{{hugs}}}
NonSTRESS, my ass. Hrmph.
Any time you see an article where celebrities attempt to be cute while essentially saying "...and we're having SEX! A lot! Wheeeeeeeeee!" should be mocked. It's a moral imperative.
Dear Lord woman, you are allowed to be cranky. I had an easy pregnancy and I was an absolute freak by the end. Give yourself a break. You are entitled to be cranky and on edge. I check in daily to see if the little one has arrived. Sending good thoughts your way. Oh, and BTW, karma will get Jerry O'Connell and all others who spout assvice in the long run!
That quilt is absolutely gorgeous!
I've been toying with the idea of learning to quilt for a few months now, and I think your amazing quilt has pushed me over the edge into actually trying it. Seriously, it's so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. I can't even imagine ever producing anything so gorgeous, but you've sure made me want to try!
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. I hope your new little guy makes it here happy and healthy, with a minimum of stress and fear for you.
I once saw an exhibit of quilts at a Smithsonian museum. This one would easily fit right in. What a talent you are, that quilt will surely be an heirloom one day.
I once saw an exhibit of quilts at a Smithsonian museum. This one would fit right in. What a talent you are, this quilt will surely be an heirloom one day.
So sorry to hear that the Julie-knuckles are glowing white and the CTG traces are coming back less than perfect. I've been there, and I know it's a worry. Perhaps your liitle guy is playing up for the doctors and doing his naughty stuff just for the monitors? They do that, you know. Blighters. Mine decided to put on a brave face for the hospital, and save his alarming decelerations for my doppler at home. I fear my ability to differentiate between maternal & fetal heartbeat, and indeed, to count, was in question among my medical staff for quite some time. Their patronisation was... aggravating. Child eventually obliged me by doing his Bad Stuff in hospital, and although the resulting pell-mell scurries to ultrasound were terrifying, I was vaguely pleased to be vindicated.
Thinking all-good thoughts here for mother & baby both. Not long to go now at all! Perhaps... and this is just a suggestion... the overnight bag? Onesies? Soon?! You could leave it a bit longer, of course; packing during contractions might take your mind off stuff!
The quilt is beyond fabulous.
That quilt is by-God GORGEOUS.
I say that as the daughter-in-law of a woman who quilts almost as much as she breathes, and whose eye for color is incredible in her quilts and garden. She's never done anything that complicated and downright stunning.
Hang in there. These are the longest "months" of your life.
I don't think you're particularly crabby, just having an opinion! I thought I was the Amanda L. but I don't see anything in my inbox? The cats are truly divine, as, of course, are the quilts. Wishing you a calming and worry free few days.
Amanda Lynn
WOW. You *should* be proud of that quilt. Beautiful fabric selection, beautiful piecing, beautiful quilting. You do some gorgeous work, lady.
Wishing you and the baby well as you go through these last few weeks!
The quilt is stunning.
Love your blog. I had a caesarean after years of infertility, so have no judgement of your impending birth plan (not that I'm entitled to one). I don't think you are any more crabby than any other fed up, full term, tired anxious pregnant woman. But I did find the recent KoolAid responses of your commenters unnervingly like 300 of your closest friends deciding to kick someone in the head because you were cross with them. Blogs are rough places, if you disagree with the blogger.
all those long doctor appointments. blech! i love the sewing, quilting. beautiful. i sew, but i could never be that patient.
of course, with all those 75 min test, i guess you've learned how to be. i hope the last few weeks fly by.
The quilt is amazing. Thinking good thoughts for your whole family, especially these next few weeks and months.
I am so sorry that you're finding these last few weeks of pregnancy so stressful. I'll be sending lots of good thoughts your way.
The quilt is gorgeous, as you've already been told many times.. but no, really. It's stunning and belongs in a traveling quilt show or something. If that sort of thing even exists.
Anyway! Good luck on the BPP's and NST's. It's nervewracking. Hang in there.
I had many of these marathon flunk NST sessions with the twins. One went a wopping 3.5 hrs before they let me go home. I ended up being wisked away to the OR for my un scheduled C section after my last NST wasn't going well and the alarms were binging and bonging. These things are stressful (har har)to say the least. All I can say is make sure your bag is packed and in the car when you go to have your NST. In the end, both of my babies were big and healthy as horses...they were just ready to be OUT.
Ugh. I usually resorted to some sugary soda to get the girl to move for the NST's if she was feeling a little drifty, but I guess with teh GD that won't work...although the nurse said it had nothing to do with the sugar and everything to do with the bubbles. I found I had a love hate relationship with all the monitoring--I loved it because I got to see that the baby was ok, but I hated it because it was also reminded me of the flip side. Good luck and I hope that your stress level stays below a dull roar until delivery.
Beautiful quilt! On the NSTs, if it's any comfort, I was on bed rest for a month in the hospital with my first daughter and she failed the NST DAILY for that whole month - but passed the BPP. She was a preemie, but born with no other complications. No explanation for the failures, but I suspect it was an early expression of her very stubborn personality!