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07/02/2008
Ripped from the headlines
During my customary — nay, my compulsive perusal of pregnancy-and-baby magazines in waiting room after waiting room, I saw this photo running alongside a question in an advice column. A newly pregnant woman ostensibly sought answers on how to tell a friend who'd been struggling to conceive. The advice wasn't bad, or at least not that different from what I would have said myself: Tell her yourself, tell her in private, tell her soon, and give her time and space to absorb the news — not, the writer of the column stressed, that you should call it "big news" or "exciting news" or "I-just-know-you'll-be-thrilled-for-my-wonderful news," but just plain old unembellished news.
Which of course left me wondering who the woman in the picture was supposed to be. Is she the concerned bearer of tidings, the considerate one, the good friend, the one who's not supposed to gloat? Or is she the beleaguered recipient, the infertile, whose feelings are raw enough to merit concern? Either way, why is she smiling that dopey-ass smile?
This is where you come in. Whoever you think it depicts, this photo desperately needs a caption, the snarkier, the better. Give it one in the comments, and you could win a really excellent prize.
(Oh, as if. A $700 stroller? I am already guiltily responsible for a giant hole in the ozone layer that follows me around like Pig Pen's cloud of dust, thanks to my twice-weekly 70-MPH trips to the city for monitoring. You think I'd jeopardize the planet's health even further by giving away a stroller that couldn't possibly get more than 12 miles to the gallon? Look, I love those burled panels of irreplaceable old-growth hardwood as much as the next gal, and I do agree the state-of-the-art in-dash GPS would be useful when you're trying to find the nearest public restroom that actually has a changing table, and the cleverly placed mirror will be perfect for when your image-conscious baby needs to freshen her brick-colored lipstick, but no. No, the prize will be something in the way of chocolate, valued at considerably less than $700.)
A winner will be chosen at random because I know you will produce only brilliance.
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"I know you still can't get pregnant, but I can! Yay for me!"
I might go with: 'Christine finally gets the call that explains why her friend's big, fat ass is is bigger and fatter than ever.'
"Sounds like: I'm shmegnant"
She's the recipient.
"Yeah, yeah, fuck you!"
(Maybe in a thought bubble!)
In our next column: Smiling without stabbing. It's possible!
To me, it says 'Ask your doctor about Xanmid, the combination of Xanax and Clomid that keeps you smiling through all of life's little foibles.'
"Infertile Ingrid? You'll never guess what happened to me on the way to the IVF clinic!"
"I hope Patsy doesn't smash in my pearly whites when I tell her her boyfriend, Alfredo, got me knocked up first. God, I feel fat in this shirt. Maybe I'll go change into a different pair of earrings..."
"Wait until she hears that I've figured out the secret... I can help her plan her own trip to Cancun!"
No, no, no, honey. It's a HAPPY FOR YOU splitting headache!
"Nyahh nyahh ny nah nah I can get pregnant and you can't!" came to mind from that smirk on her face.
"Sure, I'll throw your baby shower."
I say she is the giver of the news.
My caption: :Hey Liz, tunrs out that Bob's sperm DO work."
I have good news for you--your husband is definitely NOT infertile!!!
Why, of course I'm delighted for you. Why, can you tell that I'm dying inside? I was trying not to let that show!
"Well, I just wanted to give you time to process... My baby shower is scheduled for Friday, and I'm registered at Babies R Us!"
Receiver of news thinking.
"Let's see, that's now four pregnant women in a five minute radius of my house, great."
She's the pregnant one.
"My hands say I'm 45. Nobody told my uterus!"
"Do these pants make me look pregnant?"
"No? What do you mean they make me look like I've been cleaning up a basement flooded with sewage?"
HEY.
What magazine was this from? I must have those shoes.
Oh, and that smile is the smile of a woman on the verge of a severe mental break. Tears and screaming are soon to follow.
She's the pregnant one:
"Haha, Sis - I'm giving Mom a grandchild and you're not. Guess who's gonna be Mom's favorite now?!"
Guess what! I know you'll be so happy for me - I'm due the same day you were due before you miscarried. Isn't that wonderful? Now we can both share in the joy of my new baby together. Will you be my birthing coach?
"Thank God I don't have *her* ovaries!"
"Hey, I just *relaxed* and then I got pregnant with an *all-natural* baby! You should try it!"
She's the pregnant one:
"I can feel my boobs getting bigger by the minute!"
"No - really - I'm absolutely thrilled for you, sweety. My voice is strained because I just wrapped up my morning routine by thrusting an *itty bitty* needle into my thigh ... yeah, Lovenox. Sweet."
I think she's the pregnant one, and she's saying, "I just don't even know how it happened! We weren't even really trying. Weird, I know. Maybe the stork accidentally dropped your baby down my chimney! Ha ha!"
Meanwhile, the infertile on the other end of the line is using every fiber of her self-control not to stick her head in the oven.
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
(I have the pretty babies now, but it took me two years to get 'em)
See? All you have to do is relax and everything takes care of itself!
the pregger chick and she is saying:
"See, I told you not to worry so much and just relax. Look how easy it really is!"
"Hey, Liz? We secretly switched your Lupron with Prozac crystals. And also? I am soooooo pregnant."
First, the chick in the picture can't be the pregnant one, her tits are way too small and in control in that very low cut v-neck so it HAS to be the infertile.
"You're pregnant? Greeaat. Accidentally? Greeaat. First try? Greeaat. You only had sex that one time when you were both really drunk after the 4th of July party? Greeat. It's 'natural' twins? Greeaat. You have no morning sickness? Greeaat... Look, I gotta go, my Ben and Jerry's is starting to melt"
So she is the infertile getting the news and first you have to put a picture of her friend getting punched in the face in a thought bubble over her right shoulder and the caption reads: Daydream Believer
Rachel, Kerry and Deb nailed my caption idea -- "Everyone was right, we just needed to relax!"
But I can't get past that brick red lipstick. TOO creepy...
"Shit."
she's the preggo one and she purposely calls friend's office voicemail when she knows she's off to lunch.
hi, so and so, it's me. my doctor told me my uterus has an inhabitant; thought you should know. good riddance, loser. *click*
Guess what I got pregnant on my Honeymoon and I am having twins! Oh no wait, that is my sister.
"I just LOOKED at my husband and..."
She's so the pregnant one...
"Hey, remember how we said we would never complain about anything if we ever got pregnant? Honey, I am here to complain! I already have to wear these shitty-ass shoes because my feet are so swollen. What? You need to go? Why? Aren't you happy for me?"
"Look on the bright side, Marge, now you can have the rest of my unused Vicodin!"
"That's great! I'm so happy for you! I wonder if I jump out that window if I'll die or just break my leg?"
She's the pregnant one and she is not really talking to her friend yet ... she is practicing ...
I'm sorry you can't get pregnant but it may help to know your dad's still got what it takes.
I thought you should know: your husband is definitely NOT the problem....
(Not a caption entry; an actual comment) I deliberately didn't read anyone else's entry first so I wouldn't be influenced and now imagine my disappointment that Marti beat me to the shot-right-past-snarky-and-into-bitchy comment I dreamed up. Darn it!
"We werent planning for this to happen. It's so unexpected! We didnt think it'd happen to US. We thought we'd be married first."
Gag, barf, and puke!
She's the infertile one:
"Awesome! I'm so glad you got me live instead of sending me an email and allowing me to collect myself and retain a tiny shred of my tattered dignity."
I definitely agree that she's the pg one... regardless... photo caption should be,
"Of course it's easy for me to get pregnant, look at my rockin' shoes after all."
:) Becky
http://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/
Oh my gosh! It really IS in the water!
She is the pregnant one:
"I know! I just peed on the stick a minute ago and you are the 30th person I called! I know, it seems a bit early to tell everyone, but I just *know* everything is going to be *just fine*, unlike your experience. I hope you understand why I told you last, I was trying to spare your feelings"
Still reeling from the baby lipstick.