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07/31/2009
Builds character
Earlier this week I was reading a post over at the always-excellent All and Sundry about Linda's birth experiences:
I don’t have bad feelings about either of my C-sections. They weren’t terrible, they were fine. I saw my babies right away and held them moments later. I recovered with no problems. It was fine.
But. It doesn’t feel brave. It doesn’t feel like that magical spiritual I-am-woman-hear-me-roar experience I now have such a hard time hearing about. I’m torn between thinking, well, that’s great for you, but not everyone gets the birth they thought they were going to have, and my babies came into this world perfect in every way and you know what, we’re ALL brave . . . and I wish I could have had that. I should have tried harder.
...which made me a little weepy, because, damn, Linda, don't you know how magnificent you are? I do.
You are brave, to reinforce what half of you already acknowledges. The courage comes in doing it at all, not just the carrying or the bearing. The nobility is in the intention, if you ask me, of starting a family. I think in every good parent there's a little voice that says now and then, "I meant to do that," and it says it at the best of times — Ben pushing a shopping cart at the store yesterday in his brand-new big boy sneakers, grinning, my God, my God — and at the worst, reminding us that however bad this moment is, we got here on purpose. We made a promise, one we have to keep.
You do try harder. It comes through in everything you've ever written about being a mother. We all do, every damn day that we calmly place that son of a whore of a harmonica out of reach "until you can behave nicely, not obnoxiously," instead of vengefully stomping it into a ruined twist of crumpled metal that will wheeze no more forever. (No harmonica yet, Linda? Oh ho ho, you're in for a treat. I hope you like your music prisony.)
So now that I've shored up the rational part of what you've said, is it okay to get all up in the other part's business?
I don't mean to suggest that women's birth experiences are unimportant. By the time mine came around, my feelings about my body's abilities were already, ah, somewhat ambivalent, so I don't feel any lingering grief about missing out on labor and delivery. (Lingering skeeve-outedness about having my uterus gently withdrawn from my abdomen and taken for an intrapartum spin, sure, but that's different.) But it's real, the grief and disappointment many women feel when a birth doesn't go the way they hoped, as real as the empowerment other women feel when it does, and I'm sorry it has to be that way.
I respect those feelings, but I think they need contextualizing, which may help neutralize them somewhat. Allow me to refer you to an article in the British press from a few weeks ago: It's good for women to suffer the pain of a natural birth, says medical chief, aforementioned medical chief being Denis Walsh, a male midwife.
Ignoring the sensational headline, I read the article with interest. Not to impugn the general knowledge or integrity of male lady-doctors or anything, but any time a man tells me it's a good thing my body hurts, I get ever so slightly skeptical. (It's just a reflex. I'm knee-jerk about vagina jerks.) But I didn't discount Walsh's opinion just because of his sex. If we accept that there's such a thing as objective observation of pain, and that men are as capable of empathy as women, there's no reason to do so. Not giving birth oneself, I reasoned, doesn't disqualify someone from an evidence-based opinion on the process of doing so.
And in fact, I found myself agreeing with some of Walsh's points: that there are an awful lot of epidurals done that aren't strictly necessary, and that it would be beneficial to work towards reducing that number; that women should be offered other effective pain management options (in addition to epidurals, I add in a tone of no-dissent-brooking); and that we should work to change the perception of pain in childbearing so that it's not so frightening to so many. Which all seems to me a good message for everyone to hear, particularly doctors and midwives.
Where he lost me was his claim that "preparing a mother for the responsibility of nurturing a newborn baby" is among the "number of benefits" of pain in labor. "Emerging evidence [shows] that normal labour and birth primes the bonding areas of a mother's brain better than caesarean or pain-free birth."
Uh...what?
Hours of pain plus the possibility of perineal tearing and future incontinence are supposed to make you feel...closer...to the baby...whose very passage caused it?
And undergoing physical distress is going to render you more conscientious, and therefore a better parent? Because sucking it up during labor, I guess, is good practice for...I don't know, other feats of parental endurance that suck for a while but then mercifully end? Like when I finally take away that fucking harmonica and destroy me some truly righteous harp?
Or, to distill it to its essence, suffering builds character?
Right! Like infant mortality and maternal death in childbirth! Remember how great humanity has always thought those are?
...What?
To suggest to medical professionals that women should be armed with accurate information and encouraged and supported if they choose deliver naturally is a welcome step toward empowerment. To urge that we consider turning less readily to pharmacological pain relief during labor because it may benefit the baby — if indeed that is so — is to place the emphasis where I believe it rightly belongs. With you that far, Dr. Walsh. But to suggest that not only is a woman's pain in labor ennobling, but that it's her duty to withstand it if she's to be considered a fit mother, is misogynistic nonsense. (Considering the question in a sociobiological sense, I can only wonder what similar experience might be said to prepare a man for the responsibility of raising a child. IMAGINE IF YOU WILL.)
Now, I want to ramp back just a bit because I wasn't able to read the paper the Guardian's article refers to. I'm willing to believe that Walsh's comments were taken out of context. Actually, I'm eager to believe it, because it would piss me off if someone whose profession is founded on helping women actually turned out to be such a bully. But even if Walsh didn't do it himself — not that the popular press ever gets it wrong — the fact is that we do this to each other and ourselves every day of our lives as mothers.
I see it in Linda's post, the one that made me cry. The notion that because we didn't go through X or Y in the childbearing arena (the vadge-osphere?), we're somehow less — maybe not less of a mother, but possibly less of a woman, less of a fighter, less of a winner. I understand where that feeling comes from; it's rampant among infertiles. Still, I reject it. With compassion, I reject it. Doing it at all makes us magnificent. I wish any other implication made us not sad, but angry.
I mean, come on, doesn't it piss you off, the idea that a man would say the way you get your babies is a mark of the kind of woman you are, a sign of what kind of mother?
So why do we women still whisper it to ourselves?
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I would have loved to be given the opportunity to vaginally deliver my children. Just the chance to TRY...but I was not. If I had been, I would have been sure to grab my husband's testicles in both hands and given him the chance to properly prepare himself. Because, after all, twins are no picnic.
I can kind of understand what Walsh was saying. After my emergency C section with the twins, I felt strangely disconnected. It seemed like one minute they were in my body and we were still planning their arrival, and the next minute my husband was holding them. Even when we went home I was still in a fog. I still think that if I had gone through hours of labor I wouldn't have had that strange this-isn't-really-happening feeling I had. But not because of the PAIN so much, just the time. With the planned C section of my little girl (one year ago today, I can't believe it!) I didn't have the same standing outside of things sensation at all.
I personally think C sections suck. I hated both of mine intensely. I would have liked to do anything that didn't involve feeling like I was on a roller coaster, unable to breathe or move, and being cut open and tossed about while yacking my guts up. My character feels built up just fine ;)
PS How is it possible that Ben is pushing a cart around in big boy sneakers already? Wasn't he born the day after my little girl? How can that be? *sigh*
There are certain parts that I do agree with. I was hoping to deliver vaginally because it seemed more...natural (as natural as something can seem when one is all epidural-ed up, anyhow). Also I had heard that that kind of birth releases the bonding/attachment hormones more readily.
I had a c-section and remember for the first few days, looking at my son and saying, "Awww...I love him" in a way you'd say it about a charming coworker or the person behind the counter at your coffee shop. I'm convinced it was because of the C. How does your body even know its work is done?
That said, a few days later as my hormones began to shift, I felt like I was hit on the head by a hammer and this rush of love and attachment came on. I know for others it can take even longer, but for me it was a relief.
Thank you Julie. As always you have found the words for all the things I wish I could say.
Julie, you rock and this post rocks.
For what it's worth - I had a vaginal birth (with an epidural, thankthegods), and when they put my daughter on my belly, I felt the same disconnection that Chickenpig is talking about - like, wait, where did that *baby* come from? It isn't necessarily an either/or situation, where everyone who had a vaginal birth has this moment of trumpets-n-bonding after they squeeze out that little dickens, and every mom with a C-section suffers ill consequences.
If it's the physical distress of labor that makes a woman a good mother, then the poor souls in the rural third world who labor for four days, lose the baby, and end up with fistulas must be phenomenal moms (if they have prior children) and surely are grateful for the four days of unmedicated labor. (Not.)
Probably we should recommend that women have a rib or two broken upon arrival at labor and delivery so as to maximize their pain during childbirth—for the baby's sake, of course.
There is such a slew of common lore about the beauty of childbirth, the importance of an unmedicated labor, the evilness of C-sections, the impaired bonding of medicated/surgical deliveries...and don't get me started on where breastfeeding fits into all this. I never went into labor. I had an emergency C-section. I didn't hold my son for 24 hours because I was too sick. Breastfeeding didn't quite work, though I tried like hell. But I'm a good mom to my 9-year-old son. He and I have always been very bonded. (He's equally bonded to his dad, who is also a failure in that he has never undertaken a vaginal delivery, nor has he breastfed.)
I cannot claim to be rational on this topic but here it is.
My pain does not trump your pain, etc. etc., but I had a lovely vaginal delivery - of a child who died 4 days later because the cord was around her neck and the monitoring was done incorrectly. And - oh yeah - the hospital was trying to lower its c-section rate.
Words fail me at this point. I don't want to say "be glad you have healthy babies!" Except... BE GLAD YOU HAVE HEALTHY BABIES.
Ahem. I am sorry. I do recognize that it is a hardship. But please can we just ease up already, sometimes? Huh?
40 hours is not parenting destiny, if everyone comes out alive and undamaged.
To make a very small point that may be comforting to those who are disappointed by their c-sections (while granting that not all are, by any stretch) ... That 'magical-spiritual-I-am-woman-hear-me-roar' thing, while very real, is totally HORMONAL. It is a wonderful feeling, but 100% dependent on the hormonal reaction caused by (unmedicated) vaginal birth. That sense of mountain-moving triumph is NOT borne completely of self-satisfaction or the culmination of a birth plan followed to the letter -- it is simply a chemical reaction the body has the opportunity to experience because of the physiological birth process. The good news and the bad news is, it really is just hormones.
Great post. We all do what we have to do to get to parenthood.
I will say this, I had no idea that a C-section would suck as much as it did. (Maybe because I had two vaginal deliveries first.) I remember crying in the hospital, because I found it too painful to even burp my own baby. And though I had initially considered having another child, it's the fear of another C-section that has me shaking my head no.
I had an epidural, followed by a c-section and LOVED IT! I mean obviously plan A would have been preferable- I didn't go in planning either one of those things- but I quickly found out that plan B was Healthy Baby. (Which required the C-section which wasn't that bad, really!)
I never for a second felt not bonded to my daughter- That intense rush of love came the second I heard her cry... But every woman is different!
My sister gave birth to two daughters naturally, and she said it took a couple of weeks to feel "bonded" (longer with the first than with the second) And she is a wonderful mother, always has been.
I don't think there is any one answer to any of this:)
I keep trying to distill what I want to say into a couple sentences and it doesn't work, because I keep trying to apologize in some way for the choices I made...or that were necessary to make.
SO I will just say, I agree with what you have written, but I don't find it so easy to forgive my body for failing me over and over again...but that is not just a c-section/vbac/"natural" birthing issue.
I'm just tired I guess, tired that my body can't or won't do what it should do, but I will say labour pain has never made my bonding any easier with the child I did deliver VBAC vs those that came by c-section.
--Chrystie
p.s. re-reading my post leaves me with the conclusion that I may have a few issues unresolved...who knew?
Chickenpig: I had two pretty ideal all natural vaginal births at a free standing birth center and still felt the disconnect you describe with both of my kids.
For me, it's the caring for the little creatures that forms the bond; not the birth, not even the pregnancy. That took awhile to grow after each birth.
I had a similar reaction to that post of Linda's. It's so frustrating how much women are made to feel guilty about our decisions as mothers. I mean, should medical interventions in the birthing process really be one of them? And yet, like so many women I questioned if it was all necessary.
I can only conclude that the c-section for my second born was medically necessary, since he lost oxygen every time I had a contraction, due to a rather large knot in the umbilical cord. But my first was forceps delivered, without an episiotomy, which caused severe perineal tearing. Was that necessary? I don't know. Was an epidural necessary? Had the birth been normal probably not, but I was glad to have it during the forceps delivery.
It's hard not to feel upset about a birth experience that wasn't what I was expecting. It's hard not to feel less brave for it. And yet my babies are both happy and healthy. Why does it matter how they were delivered?
Dang it. This topic seems to compel me to long comments. I did the same thing on Linda's post about the subject.
I had two "natural" births (vaginal, no pain meds) and still felt that disconnected feeling, especially with my first. He came out screaming and I said "oh my God, it's a baby, wow!" I think the adrenaline and pain and whatnot from my natural births just made me feel spazzy and high. I wouldn't describe my feelings as loving, more like relief and awe. Then I couldn't wait to pass him off to my husband so I could have a moment to breathe while they kneaded my belly and sewed me up. Wanting to see my babies was more a curiousity than anything, which makes me feel kind of guilty. It was like I was wanting to admire some other person's baby, and didn't really feel like they were my own or I knew them.
I kind of had to force myself to feel the "appropriate" emotions in the following days. My first labor was 2 days long, my second was 2 hours long. I attributed my emotional responses (or lack thereof) to the exhausting nature of my first and the precipitous nature of my second labor. Reading your comments makes me realize that it likely had little to do with the labors. Or at least, that I might have felt the exact same thing with a C-section (of which I am irrationally terrified, by the way, so very thankful not to have needed one). I was quite pleased to have had "natural" labors, but mostly because of my own expectations of myself and the relatively speedy recoveries. I don't think it did anything to enhance bonding/feelings except that recovering from major surgery would be really hard with a newborn.
you are all wonderful.
I really don't understand why c-section is looked upon as failure. It may be life-saving. It may also be convenient for the mother or the doctor, in which case I still don't want to judge. Based on doing things the natural way, I shouldn't really be able to live and work in this natural society. Why? Because I don't have perfect vision. I don't even have vision good enough to walk safely down the street. If I don't have my vision corrected, I can't drive. But vision correction is unnatural, so I guess I should just tough it out. To me, doing things "the natural way" is just a foolish impulse to which people (especially women) succumb in order to measure themselves against others.
wombat, that describes the feeling I had with Ben, the feeling of disconnectedness and the need to take a breather. Mostly I think I just needed some space to assure myself that I was fine, all systems go, I AM STILL ME, et cetera.
Interesting that it's a common feeling regardless of how the birth goes.
I had about as perfect a birth as could reasonably be expected (at home with no pain meds as planned, 10 hours, 2.5 of leisurely pushing) and I still felt sort of removed from my son. And oddly kind of sad that it was over since it was probably the biggest thing I would do in my life.
And the really f'ed up thing about it all was that I didn't really feel that I deserved such an easy birth.
But I will say that going without pain meds is nice in that once the baby is born, I felt so.much.better.
I don't think the desire to have a natural birth is foolish, in the same way I don't think the c-sections are unnecesary. I think we make choices (or have those choices thrust upon us) that are right in and for the moment. Honoring those choices and honoring women, I hope, doesn't require any denigration of how we each arrive at parenthood. I also appreciate @ Orange the inclusion of fathers--and all parents who work to raise decent kids.
I think this is one of those cases where it's really the destination that's important, not the journey - healthy baby, healthy mother. The only journey that really matters is the one you take as a family (whatever makeup it may be) after the baby is born.
I had a 30 hour labour and forceps delivery (with epidural) for my first. Immediately after he was born I just wanted someone else to care for him so I could crawl into a hole like an animal. The physical trauma was horrible (I couldn't sit for a month) and I felt completely disconnected from the world. But that had nothing to do with an epidural and everything to do with weeks of pain after the forceps and the emotional upheaval of feeling like my life was knocked off it's axis. It took me probably 6 weeks to feel really bonded with my son, those "I adore you and everything you do" feelings. I definitely wanted to care for him and make sure he was ok, had what he needed etc., but love? Not for a while. I still carry the guilt of that.
With my second I had a 12 hour labour, normal delivery (with epidural) and was so freakin' happy that it was a better experience that I felt bonded right away with him. But intense love for both my children didn't come until they started interacting with me, smiling, cooing at about 6 weeks. Then I really fell head over heels for both of them.
As for getting an epidural, whatever floats your boat. I wanted to 'enjoy' the experience. After I got them I was able to talk and laugh with my husband and family, concentrate on what I needed to do to deliver my babies, feel human. I also had long labours. If I had 2 hour labours like my best friend did, maybe I could have held out. But at the end of the day, who cares? You don't get a badge you wear around your neck declaring that you went med-free during labour. I'm the same mum I would have been whether I took meds or not. I don't love my children any less or more because of it.
Everyone makes the decisions (or has them made for them in the case of emergency) that are best for them at the time. Kudos to us all for taking on the role of parent anyway, no matter how our children made it into our families.
I had infertility and then a lot of pelvic damage (requiring two surgeries thus far and I'm not ruling out a third) to recover from a vaginal birth.
My pelvis? Born under a bad moon.
My memory of labor pain is thinking about how the baby/nature has its own agenda. Maybe a normal labor is different (I'll never know), but back labor on Pitocin felt adversarial. It was not any kind of a bonding experience with my baby, husband, nurse or doctor, and frankly, made me feel absolutely alone.
I think the quoted doctor meant well but was theorizing. I also believe each birth experience stands alone.
What I hang onto is my happy pregnancy, my wonderful child, and bonds I've forged with other mothers. I came really close to not knowing what a mother knows.
Amen. Thank you for this.
Oh, this is so great. So great. Thank you.
My first child was born vaginally (with epidural.) After tearing and further surgery, my second child was born via c-section. As I was researching on c-sections beforehand, I came upon a study (so wish I could link to it) where a majority of female ob CHOSE c-sections to avoid many of the problems occurring after vaginal deliveries. Notice they didn't choose natural childbirth to avoid these problems.
I had a drug-free vaginal childbirth and experienced a disconnect from my baby for what felt like weeks afterwards. I don't feel like I had that euphoric-instant-bond-loopy-with-love-I-have-never-known-before with my daughter that so many people describe. And I STILL feel guilty about it and wonder what, exactly, is wrong with me almost 8 months later even though I absolutely love my daughter with every fiber of my being.
At 32 weeks pregnant with my first I have no witty birth anecdote to share. I just want to say that I'm bookmarking this post for its wisdom and insight, amplified exponentially by the heartfelt comments.
Randomly synthesizing for my own purposes here: Maybe its about expectations. If you expect to have X kind of birth, Y kind of recovery, and Z emotions toward your baby and that doesn't happen, there may always be a bit of disappointment because we don't get do-overs. The specifics of the X, Y, and Z don't matter nearly as much as whether or not we feel we have met our own preconceived notions of how it should have gone. Sometimes these notions come from society (or opinionated male midwives). More often than not though, I think they are very much internal.
I think there's a myth going around that you can have exactly the kind of birth you want (whether that's a home birth on a mountain top, or a C-Section on your great grandmother's birthday). And you can have it with zero complications and exactly the emotions you expect to have afterward.
Alas, life and death can't be planned that way, so why should we expect it of birth? How do we keep from having these expectations? And should we? I don't know.
I do have some thoughts regarding my "ideal" labor and delivery. But, I'm going to try not to get terribly attached to them. And, inevitably, when something fails to meet my expectations I'll come back and read a few of these comments, maybe that will knock some sense into me.
@ Jane - I had the same experience you did in terms of loving my son but not 'loving' him the way you think you're supposed to and I had a vaginal delivery. I think it's just one of those things that's different for everybody and maybe your c-section did delay it. Obviously the important part is getting to that 'loving' point and I'm glad we both did. Just didn't want you to think you were alone b/c of that.
I think the best idea is not to romanticize what your birth is going to be like. I never had a C but it was a possibility with my first. He was a 29 weeker and everyone told me that "it might be difficult to bond" with my preemie. I fell in love with him the second I laid eyes on him.
My daughter who was born full term, perfect vaginal birth? I felt a disconnect for a few days or so. They gave her to me and I was sorta like "wait, you expect me to be a mom already?" I think it depends on the mom, it depends on the hormones and I don't really believe that the pain helped me bond more intensely. It just made my ass hurt more.
I am grateful that my second child was a more "normal" pregnancy. It helped with those feelings of failure for not making it the first time. i think in general we're just too hard on ourselves as moms. Anyway you get that baby out healthy is the right way and even if there is a disconnect, we all eventually fall in love.
Every time I hear this dialogue I think, wow, I should feel inadequate for never experiencing a contraction (2 scheduled c-sections) and then I squint my eyes and concentrate real hard and try to drum up some self-loathing (which, for me, is not usually hard to come by) but I can't seem to do it because, damn, I have 2 healthy kids and I'm healthy too and how can that be even a little bit bad?
Two pregnancies, two miscarriages, two children here (adopted, of course). I would have loved to have had the experience of giving birth, and during both pregnancies the plan was to do it unmedicated--not because I'm such a she-lion, but because I am terrified of needles in my spine. Still...I can't say the lack of that experience persists in my thoughts on a daily basis, or even has made that big of an impression on me. I would love to give birth...I would really like to go to India...but I have those daily harmonicas to slay, too.
I can certainly understand how other people would feel differently. What I don't understand is how "experts" feel free to generalize about so many aspects of a woman's experience. Does an unmedicated birth have to be better or worse for bonding overall? Doesn't it depend on the situation of the woman?
Thanks, Julie. I don't know why I beat myself up -- but I do. All I can say is that it has eased with time.
thank you! i really really needed to hear this today!
I noticed that the article was from the British press. Was the doc also British? Where they have universal health care? And they are trying to keep their costs down? And a medicated birth COSTS MORE than an unmedicated one? And he might be trying to make it less socially acceptable to have a medicated birth for $$$$ reasons? I know I sound like a conspiracy theorist, but I think natural births will probably be pushed a lot more here, too, if this national health care bill gets passed. Am I crazy? Maybe. Am I right? We shall see.
I did the whole natural childbirth thing. Please believe me, as a woman with endometriosis you are missing nothing in the whole pain-builds-character front. After years of being told "some cramps are normal" I have to say that active labor contractions left me unimpressed. It got bad for maybe an hour during transition, but then it was over and I had a baby to show for it... unlike my period where the bad lasts a good day and all I have to show for it is stained underwear. What I want to know is why no one is offering me an epidural for my "normal" cramps.
Julie, you're smarter than this. It's very clear from context that Walsh is referring to a chemical priming of the brain, not a moral priming of the soul, as the possible sequela of pain in delivery. The evidence for that chemical priming is still very tenuous, and in my view Walsh was a bit premature in citing it. Still, though, there's no need for you to rouse the paleo-feminist righteousness.
When you say, "Doing it at all makes us magnificent," I assume you mean raising kids, not giving birth (by whatever means.) Or at least not solely giving birth. Because as magnificent as I am sure my daughter's birthmother is, I am, too, without a single contraction. Mostly, as you say, for not cramming that harmonica in her pie-hole.
Sure he is, cates, and I still think it's bullshit. No woman goes through childbirth of any kind without pain; even women who opt for an epidural have often undergone a significant amount of pain in labor before the needle slips in — maybe this is usually the case; I don't know the numbers concerning women who opt for analgesia on the fly vs. those who ask for it at the earliest opportunity. And those who have C-sections undergo a different kind of pain, possibly even a lesser magnitude, but...so what? It doesn't hurt enough? That kind of pain engenders only a mild fondness instead of a rush of love and obligation?
Jenny, that is, of course, what I meant. That's what I'm referring to when I rave about the intentionality of becoming parents.
I wanted to avoid a c-section because I had had an ovary removed and had experienced a recovery from abcominal surgery and badly wanted to avoid that. My doctor and hospital were happy to let me try an induction first (my pre-existing hypertension had all my doctors a little twitchy by week 36 even tho' my bp was cooperating). I don't know what non-pitocin induced contractions feel like but the ones that pitocin gave me had me hanging onto the bedside, moaning and whimpering...bring on the drugs - please. I had enough pain, thankyouverymuch.
Sooo...I guess to prepare our sons to be fathers we need to slap them around a bit?Hey!! We just want our sons to bond with their children. Bring back the gladiatorial games!
Hm. I guess I should be beating myself up right now because I had a c-section "on demand" at 37 weeks after a very difficult pregnany. My twins were born healthy, my recovery was an absolute breeze, and I have ZERO regrets. I was bonded to them the minute I laid eyes on them. Scratch that. I was bonded to them before I ever laid eyes on them.
I wish all women could feel the same way as me. In the end, healthy mom and healthy kid is all that really matters. Afterwards, it just becomes history and really doesn't (shouldn't) matter.
Love this post Julie!
My feelings Exactly! (and the idea that women who give birth 'naturally' are more closely bonded to their children... oh good lord. Don't get me started.)
I saw the Walsh article and my reaction was similar to my reaction whenever my husband complains about anything I do while pregnant (thankfully, he's too smart to do that often)- "well, next time you're pregnant you can show me how to do it right."
I was induced (water broke... no labor started). I had an epidural, but I got one of those little patient activated pump things where I got to choose how many "hits" to take. So I still felt some pain, but it was bearable, and I still felt the urge to push. And I pushed for 4 hours, and that felt like rite of passage enough, thank you very much.
I think recovering from a C-section is probably "rite of passage", too.
My doctor asked me if I was going to have an epidural this time, too, and I told him the honest truth, which is: Probably. But who knows how it will turn out?
I had a C-section, and I loved my daughter from the first moment I saw her. I bonded intensely with her, and breastfeeding was a snap. While a C-section certainly wasn't my Plan A, it's really not the end of the world. In retrospect, I only wish I had done it sooner, before my daughter got the infection that landed her in the NICU for 11 days.
After all 3 of my deliveries (all vag, 1 w/ epidural & 2 w/ nothing) there was little room in my mind just after to think much of the baby. My brain was too busy marveling over the bizarre and intense experience I had just undergone. I noticed the baby, but I didn't really even notice my lack of intense feelings toward them because my brain was just spinning over what had just happened to me.
I'm glad I had the opportunity to birth naturally because it DID feel like a rite of passage, because I now know I'm capable of things I never would have faced otherwise, and because they were unbelievable, crazy, intense experiences. At the time, though -- at least from transition through pushing -- I just wanted it to fucking stop.
Do I imagine I'm a better MOTHER because I got to do it naturally? Ha. It wasn't about my kids, it was about me.
No time to read all the comments, but just wanted to say that as an adoptive mom, I also really resent the idea that I am less capable of bonding with my child not having had a vaginal birth. However, I have to say that I am with Linda in my feelings of inadequacy -- I, too, have struggled for several years with feelings of having "cheated" and "missed a rite of passage." Those are indeed very painful feeling, and very isolating feelings. Through Brene Brown's work (www.brenebrown.com) I have finally come to identify them as shame, and am in the process of trying to release them. But I agree with you, Julie, that our culture encourages this dichotomy. I experience it all the time...
The overwhelming feeling I felt after giving birth (vaginally...with epidural that never really took so I felt everything anyway) was not, to my disappointment, "look at my beautiful baby, isn't he wonderful, I am woman hear me roar etc. etc." but "holy sh*t, do you realize what I just went through? Thank god that is over. Do you realize what I just went through! yeah, yeah a baby...Did you see what happened to me, me me me me! " Then when the shock wore off I bonded quickly and fiercely.
My reaction to that article was very simlar to yours except far less eloquent. something along the lines of "oh shut your pie hole old man!"
I've been happily reading for months, but this is the first time I felt qualified to comment. I had a planned c-section b/c of our baby's size; she arrived at 10lb, 14 oz. I had no regrets about her arrival and said to anybody who would listen, "I want her out and healthy; I don't care at all how it happens." I loved that we were talking and joking around in the OR as she was being born. I loved that I saw her father hold her and love her even before I was able to. But I still have nagging feelings-- did I "give birth"? Did I give her the best start to her life possible? Would I love her more or differently (even though that feels impossible) if her birth had been different? Am I missing out on something by not pushing a baby out of my vagina, as Walsh's article certainly implies with its 'rite of passage' language? Am I imagining those looks when a group of mothers spontaneously decides to share birth stories? Have my (thus far) 15 months of breastfeeding somehow made up for that c-section which was fine with us but gets all sorts of bad press? So many feelings about what I did, didn't, could have and should have done.
And yet I find the whole notion of our emotions or feelings as responsible for our actions as parents completely ridiculous. I have a commitment to love my daughter and to daily create her as a human being full of empathy, intelligence, compassion and humor. My actions as a parent stem from that commitment, not from some rush of euphoria-inducing hormones I could have received when she was born. It's not that the biology of birth, bonding and mothering isn't real; it just isn't everything. Thank God parenting skills aren't predicted solely by biology and emotions. We would all be seriously fucked if they were.
Thank you for the blog, Julie. I laugh my ass off and learn something new every time you post.
Heh. Stats. Vaginal birth, epidural, pain meds. I did very little prep work before the birth in terms of what to expect, what I wanted, blah blah blah. I found just reading a bit would freak me out so I just went with the theory 'we all got on this planet thru birth' and didn't think about it (well, not much anyway). I don't like pain. I'm a wuss at it. So anytime they asked me for pain meds I was all 'yes, please.' I knew that about myself. Front to back my labor was 29 hours. I find the whole 'length of labor' thing a humorous stat as well - as if this qualifies my pain more because it took longer.
Honestly, due to my larger size, I expected to have a c-section myself but didn't. Not sure why that is.
Anyway. I never once felt disappointment (or glee for that matter) in how my son got in the world. I find it interesting that there are women out there that do. So I was glad to read this post and hear that. I don't know if I was instantly bonded to him (I don't remember now). He had some very minor health issues that we had to deal with - only a couple extra days in the hospital but, of course, at the time it felt HUGE. So my head was wrapped around these issues instead of 'my! I just gave birth to him! Glory be!'. I was just glad I could get around well and pissed that my ankles were still swollen. :-) But recently I had my gall bladder removed (in an emergency surgery which is weird) so I can appreciate surgical incision pain much more.
So thanks for making me think. I appreciate it.
Funny thing is? I totally love to watch those silly birthing stories now. Now that I have the experence of having a kid I love to watch other babies being born. Very weird for me. :-)
Whenever I thought about delivering a baby I was very much in the iwantdrugsthankyouverymuch club. I was induced at 36 weeks with my twin girls due to my blood pressure. They started the pitocin, broke my water and told me I'd get my epidural in about an hour (and yes, this was one of the first questions I asked when I was getting prepped by the nurses). Flash forward about 45 minutes and I'm thinking I can't handle much more of this pain, thank god I'm getting my epidural soon. Nurse checks me and I'm at 10cm, surprise, no epidural for me! To say I freaked the f--k out would be an understatement. I remember the nurse leaning over and looking me in the eyes and saying it's going to be ok, you've already been through the worst of the pain. Not sure about anyone else but for me she was right, it felt good to push and it only took a few pushes to get both my girls out. Now I imagine it is a heck of a lot easier to deliver two 5lb babies versus one 10lb baby so I'm sure that's why pushing for me was fairly quick.
Ok, the point of this long comment was that I really enjoyed my natural delivery as I felt absolutely fine afterwards. I've had friends that have had epidural complications and I was glad I didn't have to deal with that. I was able to walk from my delivery room to my recovery a few hours after birth. Would I advocate natural childbirth to anyone? Hell no, I feel like my easy-breezy delivery doesn’t really qualify me to recommend a drug-free birth to anyone, what if they’re the ones that get stuck with 36 hours of labor? But what if I had gotten that epidural sooner? I wouldn’t have really needed it and it would have put me at risk for unnecessary complications. Do I think my natural birth experience helped me bond easier/faster with my babies? Nope, it was so darn fast I was still somewhat in shock when I started pushing and then they were out and it was over. That being said if I ever had another pregnancy I would attempt a natural delivery first rather than immediately plan for an epidural.
I had an emergency C after 12 hours of labour with my daughter, then a planned C with my son. I would have tried for a VBAC but given the stats from my first birth I wasn't a great candidate, and the one thing I knew for sure was that I was NOT going to undergo another scary, the-baby-might-die emergency C-section if I had anything to say about it. Even my midwife from the first birth recommended against having a midwife the second time around.
Do I feel like I wasn't brave enough? No. Some people think a C-section isn't that big a deal but I found the recovery to totally suck. It was a long, very slow process and the pain of the first few days was utterly ridiculous (and why do the hospitals here only offer tylenol and advil as pain relief after slicing my entire belly open and stapling it back together?). Personally, I felt brave for having a second child, knowing I'd have to go through it again.
Great post, as always, but for the first time I feel compelled to comment on your exceptional writing capabilities. Julie, you are truly an excellent writer and I hope you know how much you enjoyment you add to the lives of this (and no doubt many, many other) reader(s) every time you post. I hope you have a book deal in the works now or in the future so you can be properly compensated for your talents.
I was at a party where one woman told another: "oh, you had c-sections - it's not like you actually gave birth."
I was seeing red after I heard this - I wished it had been said to me so that I could knock some sense into the one who had said it. I have had 4 c-sections (1 emergency, 3 planned) as well as delivered a stillborn child naturally. I'm pretty sure I gave birth 5 times. While I understand that some women feel a loss when they have a surgical birth, I wish we cold stop beating ourselves up about it. There is going to sooo much more to feel guilty about as mothers.
Surgical or vaginal, we birth our children the best way that we can.
I haven't read the other comments, I'll go back and read but this is my personal experience.
I had no feelings that the birth of my daughter would be some profound, life-changing experience on its own. To me, it was merely the process by which I would finally become a mother.
But, (of course there's a but). I ended up having a non-medicated birth in a birth center (including no IV). And what I found for me, is that the things about the birth of my daughter which mean the most to me are things that wouldn't have happened had I had an epidural or a c-section. They are very specific memories that mean the world to me, the experience taught me a lot about myself as a person.
But it has absolutely no bearing on what kind of mother I am and no bearing on what kind of woman I am. It is all about me as an individual.
My SIL and her husband are both physicians. She chose an elective c-section because she didn't want to risk tearing or urinary incontinence (yes, I tore, no, I don't pee myself). She had the information, she made the best choice for her and her family, it had nothing to do with the kind of mother she would become or the mother she is.
Birth can be a profound and life-changing experience on its own, but it doesn't have to be, and sometimes it's not (probably as often as it is). I do feel bad for women who are disappointed in their birth experience, it must be hard to let go of the ideal of the perfect birth.
How about instead of focusing so much on how we all became mothers, we focus on being mothers?
I can't comprehend this school of thought that delivering via c-section or using an epidural makes you less of a woman or mother. It just does not compute with me. I'm glad, since I had a c-section. I have not had a single morsel of guilt over it. The very idea that you are a better mother or bond better with your child if you deliver naturally is preposterous. I'm just sorry some woman feel that way.