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09/14/2009
Keep it simple, sweetheart
This morning Tertia wrote about how much easier it was to have a newborn the second time around. What she left out was a description of all the panicked messages she sent me before Max was born and my affectionate soothing reassurances. I didn't save any of the sessions, but I can reconstruct them pretty effortlessly:
Tertia: OMG freaking out about having newborn! Suck suck suck suck suuuuuuuuck!
Julie: Oh, please. This time around I can do it in my sleep, of which I am getting a perfectly adequate amount.
Tertia: what if i hate it?
Julie: You won't. Well, you will, but even as you do, you'll know you're full of shit, because I promise it'll be easier.
Tertia: babies cry! loudly! for no apparent reason! is inconvenient!
Julie: Only if you actually think you have to do something about it.
Tertia: magnificent mother.
Julie: Don't you have an ibex to milk or something?
It is easier this time around, everything about babyhood, exactly like everyone told me it would be. That's true for a lot of reasons, most of them obvious, all based on prior experience: you know the tough parts end; you know that one day you'll have more time to yourself, more sleep, more sex; you know how to take care of a baby; you know that even if the baby runs a high fever, develops a full-body rash, and suddenly sprouts a third eye just so he can cry more, it's probably just a virus. That experience is much more persuasive than anyone else's assurances, so while the drudgery — I mean the endlessly repetitive daily blessings, hallelujah, lo, how I love skimming vomit from the bathtub! Blueberries, aweigh! — of keeping a baby alive is the same, my feelings about it are altogether different this time. (This time I think, Could be worse. Could be hot dog.)
Only in the last couple of weeks has another aspect of this occurred to me. This may apply only to people with children spaced as mine are, but this time around I know how simple it all is. Not easy, not simple in that sense, but uncomplicated.
It's totally a matter of contrasts. Ben cries because his gums hurt from teething. Simple. But Charlie cries because...well, I don't even fucking know. Sometimes it's because he's tired and needs to go to bed. Sometimes it's because he's not tired but needs to go to bed. Sometimes it's because he's in bed and tired but he can't find the Soledad O'Brien bookmark that he has adopted as a younger sister. Sometimes it's because he's in bed and tired and Soledad — whom he has rechristened Annie, I suppose in recognition of the laudable work she's done illuminating the ethnic experience in America, like, Ellis Island much, kiddo? Kunta Kinte ringing any bells? — is lonely. And needs a friend. And a drink of water. A fresh white pantsuit straight from the dry cleaning bag. And perhaps, if it's not too much trouble, a story read to her...? Which is absurd, because Soledad O'Brien is an established television newsperson who's won several awards for her incisive work as a journalist. She can read her own damn Frog and Toad.
Or this. Ben takes a toy from another child at playgroup. I get another toy and deftly trade with Ben, returning the first toy to its original owner, before it's even occurred to the child to whimper. (Babies are kind of slow.) Ben doesn't quite absorb the extent of my treachery, and plays happily with the substitute toy. (Babies are also kind of dumb.) Simple. But when Charlie prefers not to share a toy, there's this long and delicate diplomatic procedure to follow, a tedious and intricate gambit I read about in Foreign Affairs called Ohhhhh, Yes, You Certainly Will. Explaining that we share. We take turns. We have more fun when everyone's playing nicely together. We apologize when we hurt someone's feelings, because...I said, we apologize when we hurt someone's feelings, and here is why. We listen when we are being spoken to. We come back here right now, mister. I haven't yet completed this sophisticated coup of diplomacy.
And I didn't know, when Charlie was a baby, how simple things were. Again, I don't mean easy, because it certainly wasn't. But many of the things we agonized over were problems with easy solutions. Wasn't sleeping? Endure it or change. Late walker? Work with him and wait. Ready for day care? Try it, then watch him, and see. A lot of our situation with Charlie was legitimately challenging, from the sequelae of prematurity to my own fucked-up postpartum whaddyacallit. But a lot of it, too, we made harder than it strictly needed to be. And the contrast — the simple baby affairs versus the altogether more complex preschooler ones — now makes that obvious. And easier, because it does get more complicated, and therefore quite a bit harder, and, lordy, do I have proof. So I'm not going to hurry to make it so.
To be fair, the rewards with Ben are rather simpler, too; it's not that hard to make him smile. Any cheerful idiot with a dinner napkin and a rudimentary understanding of the rules of Peekaboo can do it. (Standard American, please; he's got Blackwood down cold but he screws up the Jacoby Transfer every time.) But with Charlie, after a day when I know I've done right by him, when he leans against me at bedtime and says with a sigh, "Today was a happy day," well, you know, it doesn't get any better than this. Until, of course, we crack open that six of Old Milwaukee I keep under his bed for just these special moments. So I'm not saying that the simplicity is preferable overall; just that this time around, I recognize and appreciate it for what it is. Because I'm not exactly looking forward to teaching Ben that when I tell him not to throw things in the house, I also mean toss, lob, hurl, fling and, oh, good Christ, whatever nonsense word he invents to describe the action of propelling a body through the air, the better to knock over my coffee. Child, I need that coffee.
The problems Ben currently poses are simple. I even know what to do about the fact that he will willingly eat no vegetable: exactly what I find hardest to do, which is absolutely nothing beyond putting it on his tray. (Other ideas? Strategies? Excuses for me to continue to harass him at meals? Enable meeeee.)
For now, it's easy. It's good. I am satisfied that right now, the most complicated Ben gets is his ironclad determination to reach down and twiddle his business when I'm changing his diaper. And I know why that makes him cry, and what to do about it. Note to Ben: next time put down the tiny plastic styracosaurus first.
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Note to self: Do not read Julie's blog when at work. Stifling laughter makes people look at me funny.
Thanks for this today. Have been having multiple panic attacks recently as we have a very active two year old and a lttle brother or sister expected in March. As a sahm with no local family, I'm not quite sure how to do it by myself, but it's nice to be reminded that it can be done.
Well said.
It's my oldest who won't eat the vegetables (and now who won't even stand to have them on his plate). Drives. Me. Crazy.
the new Goldfish crackers provide 1/3 of a serving of vegetables now, if you are inclined to that sort of trickery in the name of sort-of-good nutrition
"Blueberries, aweigh!"
Choked on my drink of water! must remember not to drink while reading this blog.
You MUST send that picture to Soledad O'Brien. And beautifully said.
A lovely and oh so true post Julie. I hope you will forgive me if I change the subject a little.
I have thought a lot about you over the past week and a half as I have watched another family face the unexpected hell of HELLP.
Last night a coworker's cousin died from the complications of HELLP. She never got a chance to hold her son.
Over the past week and a half, a baby was born, a woman never regained conciousness, a family decided to allow a loved one's liver to be donated in order to give this woman her only chance of survival and when all became clear that there was no further hope another family decided it was time to let go and give others a future through the donation of her kidneys.
Women dying is not just a historical tidbit. A reminder that we still have far to go, that we can still lose so much to partum and post-partum disease and illness.
Today I am reminded how damn lucky I am.
Not to mention -- the second (third) child is in your arms, so to speak. At this circus, that implies that no energy needs to be spent on infertility or adoption options, donor this or donor that, annoyingly rude medical staff who couldn't possibly fax lab results without a tray of brownies for bribery, etc... Yes, it's easier not only because of what we know, but for us, it is because we are fortunate that our place in this procreation effort is so very different, so very blessed.
Amen, Julie. I've said a number of times since my second was born how much easier things are this time around. In fact, parenting in general seems much easier now, even with 2. Thanks for articulating these feelings so well.
Oooh, good point, ttg.
Elizabeth, we are lucky. I am so sorry for your cousin's family.
Lol, your post made me laugh. It is much easier the second time around. Even when I have nights where my baby wakes up every freaking hour starting at 10 p.m., I know that it will pass. I know that he might need a diaper change or a drink of water or some motrin. His hurts are relatively easy to fix. He smiles relatively easy to get. My older son, also part of the preschooler set, is much more challenging. I feel like EVERYTHING is a battle with him. And I never know if I am going to get the happy child or the angry child. One moment he can be all love and kisses and the next he turns into a demon child who has no desire for any one but Daddy, unless it's Grandma, who is all that is wonderful. Trying to explain why he can't do things or needs to do things is so much more challenging. With my baby I can just say no, that will hurt. When my preschooler tries to do the same thing, it's more complicated... and now I've been rambling, because I totally relate and think your posts are awesome.
This is amazingly reassuring to read as we're completing year one with the first baby.
Veggie strategies: I find pureed veggies in a tomato sauce get eaten without a second thought. We make toast and cheese pizzas with the puree (we can even get away without a tomato sauce mix-in sometimes). Smoothies are another place a veggie puree can hide with little trouble. Not sure I can help with whole, unhidden veggies, though sometimes my son will eat them more readily when paired with cheese.
Thanks. I'm not worried about the nutrition so much as the behavior. I can hide vegetables in his Tylenol if I have to. Getting him to eat them under his own steam is a bigger concern.
OK I love your posts anyway, but a bridge reference? Too awesome.
I always loved the newborn stage because that, of all stages of babyhood/childhood/assholehood (also known as Sixteen), was the one time I felt, and was, competent as a parent.
Baby was wet? Changed him. Baby was hungry? Fed him. (Formula fed, granted, but still! Fed!) (Kidding!) Clothes got washed, house got cleaned, all while Baby slept. And slept Where. I. Put. Him.
What could be easier? Because later? When could move and talk and SCREAM WITH FRUSTRATION? That time suuuuuucccckkkkkeed.
veggies? just keep on keeping on offering em. Just never NEVER make eating a battle of any kind. Everyone loses.
I agree you MUST send that picture to Soledad!
my daughter has never turned away a vegetable and it might be because we eat very little meat. she's given the same meals as the adults, and dinner is often beans and vegetables. maybe the lack of choice leads a toddler to eat. or maybe we were just insanely lucky to have such an easygoing eater.
As has happened so many times, your post strikes a very timely chord with me. I'm currently pregnant (through DE, by the way) with baby boy #2. My son is four. And I have been thinking that in many ways, he has gotten so much easier, since he now sleeps consistently, goes to preschool (giving me tons of time to get stuff done), and can use the toilet with confidence.
All of that has made my 41-year-old self dread those exhausting newborn and babyhood days/months/years. Thanks for giving me a nice new perspective and some hope that it will be easier than I think I will.
The description drudgery of parenthood contrasts mightily with the advertisement for VIKING HEAT!1! Hot dog!
Re veggies - If he's teething, maybe they are too hard right now? He may be a supertaster, plus kids are so much more sensitive to bitter flavors.
Our 15-mo-old is a good eater, but we've still had to resort to a few tricks:
1) Spinach - saute with olive oil and garlic and mix with equal parts orzo. I think cooking better hides the zing of the oxalate.
2) Tomatoes - grow in my own garden until they are really sweet, almost like candy. Will eat tomato sauce on pizza and pasta, too.
3) Eggplant - drenched in a green curry sauce (Thai), it picks up the sauce flavors.
4) Broccoli - steamed until soft, dip in mayo or ranch dressing.
5) Carrots - cook them until they are pretty much devoid of all nutrition (soft enough to mush on the palate with the tongue). She won't eat them if they're even remotely al dente.
6) All of the above - show Mommy and Daddy really yum yum superyum enjoying said vegetables, act like we don't want to share them with her because they are so good.
I just fell in love with your blog all over again... you had me at Blackwood, but cemented the deal with Jacoby Transfer.
This is all so true, and yet, now that my youngest is 3.5, I am finding the crap behavior just as frustrating to deal with as the first time around, if not more so. Lookout, parents of easy second babies, your time cometh.
(Vegetables: make a big lipsmacking noisy DEAL about your own veggies, while saying ALL MINE, BEN CAN'T HAVE ANY OF *THESE* PEAS, NO SIREE HA HA HA HOO HOO HOO and he may get envious in spite of himself.)
I just don't know whether to be more amused by the fact that your son sleeps with a Soledad O'Brien bookmark or that a Soledad O'Brien bookmark even exists. Fantastic!
Linda, you're just really lucky. We are vegetarian, and the acceptable list of foods is making choice an almost laughable word at our dinner table. One thing they will eat, that I've never seen any kid turn down, that is some green vegetable redeeming qualities, is Korean seaweed (it's packaged like sushi nori, but is crinklier and saltier, a bit like a potato chip--but healthier!)
Glad another family plays the same version of peekaboo we do! (Baby goat is 6 months now and still can't get Transfers down though. Oh well, maybe when he's older!)
You mean children are supposed to subsist on things other than hot dogs? That may explain why I have to keep unclogging them from Amelia's bottle.
Hm.
The things I learn.
A friend of mine summed it up rather nicely: little people, little problems... bigger people, bigger problems.
All I can say (and I do this without doom, honest) is wait till they hit their teenager years. I have twin 15 year olds. Oy. Just. Oy.
I'm not really qualified to comment on second child verses first child since I'm currently pregnant with my second and looking forward to the challenge of two under two. (Yes, I did this to myself, with IVF, because the first one took four years and because I'm more than a little crazy.) What I can say is that my 14 month old has happily been ingesting veggies for quite some time because in our house they are served coated in grease. Her favorites are the collard greens from the local BBQ place. Babies crave fat because their brains are basically built of fat, so we're pleased with this strategy. Later, when her brain isn't developing so fast and she has teeth other than incisors we can introduce her to the joys of raw bell peppers and steamed asparagus.
Bwa! Love, love, love Charlie and the demented four year-old weirdness. Tell him Soledad O'Brien was my commencement speaker - might motivate him in his path forward from Wee Munchkin Montessori Reeducation Camp to post-graduate study.
Love this entry. I did have a really hard time with #2, mainly because it was #2 and 3 and #1 wasn't 2 yet. lol. But in all truthfulness, it was hardest on me. I think it's probably harder to have a 3 or 4 year old and a newborn than a not quite 2 year old and a newborn. My daughter was still practically a baby herself and while still needed me, didn't understand what was going on enough to get jealous. She is now 4 yrs old and thinks she rules the world. I shudder to think how she would act her brothers were born now. Again, thank you for the thoughtful, hilarious post.
All I can suggest is to wait till he's really really hungry then only offer the veges. We did many vege only meals to start with. Unfortunately my great vege eating toddler has slowly dropped things off the approved list. Luckily it was longish. Now it's smallish.
Calling brocolli "Daddy's favourite" was inspired.
Not sure if he's old enough for this trick, but we perfected it on child 1 (3.5 now, but tried it when he was around 2) and are now using it on child 2 (20 months). Vegetables require a mock, "You can't eat that! I bet you can't eat that. You shouldn't even try. No way." They gobble it up in defiance and you scream, "OH MY GOODNESS!" Lather, rinse, repeat until they've eaten enough of the item in question.
My pediatrician recommended starting kids on canned veggies. Yes, sodium is a bit higher (you can get low sodium, but they don't taste as good), but bites are the right sizes, texture is right (mushy) and they learn to like the flavors. When he was teething, my aunt suggested frozen peas - her grandkids loved them and so did my son. As my son was transitioning from purees to table food, I'd put him in the high chair while I was cooking supper and open a can of veg-all (canned veggies with carrots, potatoes, corn, peas, green beens, lima beans and celery), cut them in to tiny pieces or mash them and let him go to town. He was starving and that's all there was, so he chowed. As he transitioned to foods with more texture, we transitioned to fresh and frozen veggies.
Now that he's 3, he's a good eater for a lot of veggies. If he goes through a phase where he doesn't prefer a certain one, we keep offereing it. At meal time, he must take a 'no thank-you bite,' meaning he has to try something before saying he doesn't like it, even if he's had it before. If he tries it and doesn't like he, he doesn't have to finish it. If he won't try it, he doesn't get seconds of anything until he does. There's always the option of leaving the table and being done with supper, but he very rarely chooses that.
We encourage him to try new foods, and regularly do so ourselves in front of him.
Daddy eats his veggies, which I think is huge for boys.
He doesn't get treats like chips unless he's had a good portion of the healthy food, and we give them one at a time, after he's had a few bites of the others.
And I NEVER cook something special for him. The most I will do is leave off a sauce or not mix something. Hunger is a great motivator to try something you don't like. And if they don't, well, no one ever died from one missed meal. So, you say your toddler cries and screams? So does mine, but eventually he realizes I'm not backing down, he tries it and it's over.
Oh, and take him shopping with you to pick out veggies, and have him help with food prep. Kids are more prone to eating foods they help select and prepare.
I, on the other hand, find my sons much easier at 6 and almost-4. They can be reasoned with and understand my explanations, even if they disagree (hence the diatribes on fairness I endure from the 3-year-old). And, yes, even if you must occasionally explain that don't hit your brother also means don't tap him, poke him, or bump into him. Kids are born lawyers.
Infants have belly aches, and they get shots without understanding why. They seem to want to crawl forward toward that toy but end up pushing themselves backward. There seems to be a lot of frustration in being an infant, and we parents can only alleviate a fraction of it.
Eating veggies? Definitely grow some and they will eat them with joy. My son has his own patch of basil and makes pesto, which he is proud of. Also join a CSA (community-supported agriculture) where they know they're helping local farms by eating turnips and Swiss chard. One night I fed my kids a frozen pizza and they told me they were disappointed we weren't having a "real" dinner ... like Swiss chard! Who knew?
My kids like to play this guessing game: I feed them a bite of something (may include 1, 2, or 3 ingredients from their plates), and they have to guess what it is. Before they know it, the plate is empty, and they're proud at how many they've guessed.
While babyhood is simpler, I think I prefer the age when kids can talk and tell you what's on their minds. It's fascinating!
Open question - if they're eating the hidden veggies, does it matter if they're refusing to eat them in recognizeable form? I get the nutrient issue. But beyond that, it seems almost to become a moral victory - one should eat vegetables because good people eat their vegetables, damn it (... can you tell I'm a grown-up who prefers her vegetables well-concealed and delicious?)
As long as it's not too much work to hide the veg, I'd just run with it. By the time he's old enough to notice, he'll be old enough that you can explain that it's important for him to get the nutrients from the vegetables so he needs to find ways to ingest them that he finds palatable.
Some of the new vegetable drinks are good. (Honest! They taste like fruit!)
Charlie + mini-Soledad = one of the most charming and adorable things I've ever seen. Great post. :)
I have nothing useful to contribute to this discussion (still quaking in terror at the thought of #2), but I love the sidebar ad for the new novel VIKING HEAT. Who knew that Vikings wore leather pants and no shirts?
All I have to say is...this post had me clapping with laughter and glee!
Loved this post! Sooo true on all counts. I find that grated parmesan cheese sprinkled on veggies makes them worthy of toddler attention. Esp. good on broccoli.
Glad for this post! I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant with twins and I have a 9 month old (yep do the math, I'll have 3 under the age of one. The universe is funny that way. It took me 4 years to get pregnant with my son via IVF, and oh how we laughed when the doc asked if we wanted to use birth control after my son was born. And again, how we laughed when I found out I was pregnant when my son was 3 months old. And THEN how we laughed until we cried when we found out it was twins. You CAN get prengant by having sex, who knew!?!?)
anyway - I keep telling myself that it's going to be ok. Because this time around I know that it all ends - or as Moxie says 'This too shall pass'. And I know that so long as everyone is fed, changed and safe - we are good. Babies forgive and forget.
This is exactly what I've been saying about my 3-week-old. It's so simple, just meet the basic needs, none of the psychological crap that comes later. I'm enjoying it!!
A lot of Tertia's fears stem from the fact that her first newborns were twins. It really most sincerely sucks having to figure out two wailing babies. The day my husband went back to work I just stood in the nursery and cried. I was constantly worried about my milk supply. I never had enough arms to console them both. When they started to cruise and walk and they were opposite sides of the room, they both fell down and bumped their noggins at the same time and I was beside myself. It didn't help that one of them had bad reflux and was colicky.
Like Charlie, my twins were born at the end of November and it didn't help that they were in their infancy during the heart of darkness in New England. Having a singleton, who is the happiest baby on Earth, and who was born in the Summer has made parenting a baby actually enjoyable. What a difference it made being able to sit on my porch in the rocker with my baby in my arms, listening to her making cute sleeping noises and knowing that I had more than enough milk to feed her. The three weeks plus I had with her together in our little newborn cocoon were some of the happiest in my life to date. In contrast, the first couple of months with the twins were some of the darkest. And it hasn't gotten easier with them, just different. I like to think that my newborn experience with the twins would have been better if I had one baby already, but I think I'm kidding myself. Having ONE colicky baby in the winter trapped in the house is bad...having two, well that just sucks.
As for the veggies. Don't sweat it. Ben and my A are the same age, and they can't eat veggies very well unless they are cooked to a fair thee well and chopped small. Most kids prefer raw veggies anyway. When Ben is old enough to eat raw carrots and broccoli with dip he'll probably be a veggie eating super star. (unless, of course, B already has molars and can chew tree stumps like a champ, in which case I'm jealous.)
Found your blog linked on several blogs.
I am so glad to hear it is better the second time around. This newborn thing kicked my ass this first time.
I have been up since 4 and he just dumped my coffee off the table. Eh, I hate that he is now mobile!
Glad I found your blog!
Thanks, I needed this post. Baby #2 is due any day now, and I'm woman enough to admit I'm a little freaked out.
About the veggies thing, take it from a former veggie avoider- keep doing nothing beyond putting them on his tray. Later you can try drowning them in cheese sauce. But I didn't really start eating veggies until college, and I still managed to be pretty healthy.
My parents tried reasoning with me ("The spaghetti sauce is just like pizza sauce, honey". OK, so I won't eat pizza anymore.) and forcing the issue (I threw up) and probably other things, too. Nothing worked. Then I went to college, got away from the expectations about what I would and wouldn't eat, learned some biochemistry, and decided I should try some veggies because they're, you know, good for me. I'm still not a big veggie eater, but I do OK. Especially if I am liberal with the cheese sauce.
I am hoping so! I am glad I read this-because I am about to have two under two. I literally have nightmares about it. I ask people-well, moms-that "isn't it easier the second time around?" and I always get "well, no because every baby is different."
But it seems like that you are different this time around-is the a big part of the difference?
Oh, Juuuulllieee... teenagers. Just sayin' - newborn "problems"? Nothing.
So true. Especially as we decided to go back to the newborn stage while having an 8 year old daughter. Her issues are so much more complicated. The only thing putting a wrench in this theory for us is that we ended up having twin newborns instead of just one. Wow! Twins are hard!!!! I greatly recommend one at a time from a sleep aspect. But I wouldn't trade them for the world! Can't imagine life without the little cuties now that they've been around for 15 weeks and home from the hospital for the last 9.
Deep belly laugh over the soledad bookmark....LOL!!!
I haven't been lucky enough to have a second one yet. (putting off an FET so I can enjoy my summer, gosh darn it) But a lot of the moms I know with kids my daughter's age are already on their second and say much the same things you do. I do want the chance even if only to experience this "ease" I hear about. It would be nice to enjoy the enjoyable things about newborn-hood and not sweat the small stuff.
(Also it just took me like 10 constantly interrupted minutes to write this little comment....ah, the days when she just cuddled in the sling and I could write all the comments I wanted!)