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10/28/2009
I bet they'd come if I made the frightening hand
I'd been toying with the idea for a couple of weeks, to invite people over for a casual gathering before Saturday night trick-or-treating. I'd order pizza for the kids, put together a few amusing edibles for the adults — certainly this, certainly not this — and we'd all go out wilding, as the young people call it, as a group.
I meant to put a sign up at the preschool on Monday inviting everyone in Charlie's class, but I was sick and spent all day lying in bed either sleeping or mentally composing my will. (If anybody wants 10,000 units of hCG that expired two years ago, which I have inexplicably kept for four years past the time when my ovaries might have met it with anything more than a bark of derisive laughter, holler. We'll work us up a codicil.)
So on Tuesday we made a special trip, Charlie and I, to hang the sign. Nice sign, too, with a spider-infested font and some clip-art and those neatly perforated "take one" tabs and everything. I take my mothering seriously, y'all.
We got down to his classroom and prepared to hang our sign on the bulletin board next to the parent mailboxes. And what did I see in more than half of the mailboxes? Invitations. Halloween-themed, obviously, unless people are using stationery with darling black bats and wee little tombstones for other purposes these days. It's possible, I guess, that they were notes of condolence, but since no one sent e-mail drumming up casseroles, I'm pretty sure nobody died.
There were two separate invitations, in fact, to two separate functions. Or possibly two separate coupons for two separate local semi-ghoulish service providers, although I have not heard that bat infestations are a big problem in these parts at this time of year, nor do I think the local gravestone-engraving concern offers any price breaks — at least not via flyers clearly marked "Bonfire and fireworks!" Although come to think of it that's not a bad way to festive up a burying. But I digress.
Two separate parties already on the books. To which neither was of one Charlie invited to. (I'm so upset that I've totally lost control of my grammar. Can stress incontinence be far behind? Not to worry. I do have a coupon for that.)
But I gritted my teeth and hung my sign anyway, feeling like an ass and a half for not posting it earlier. I'm worried that no one will come, which would be a huge disappointment for Charlie, who's been wittering excitedly ever since we posted our invitation. "I just know my best friends will come!" "Mama, did you write on the sign that people should bring their costumes? ...Maybe we should go back and add that part." "I hope my friends like pizza!" And this morning, "I hope some parents have pulled off the little tabs from our sign!"
Gaaaaaaaah. So do I, kid. Otherwise I'm going to have to pull in a couple of ringers, and it'd be awfully tough to justify flying Soledad O'Brien in for a slice and a sack full of candy.
The deeper level of anxiety, of course, is for the fact that Charlie wasn't invited to either of the other parties. It's hard not to take it personally, even though I know, having constructed guest lists myself, that it's not necessarily a reflection of how well Charlie's liked by his friends. It may have nothing to do with that. It could be how well he's liked by his friends' parents — oh, God. Or how well Paul and I are liked by his friends' parents — oh, sweet Jesus gay. And I so want others — not everyone, but almost — to see our kids as I do. As people with a sweet brilliance all their own, funny boys, kids who can share their gift for happiness, generous-hearted friends. Company well worth the cost of a bat-spattered envelope and a slice of pepperoni. And discovering that insecurity in myself, the need to have my children liked, a need I almost never feel on my own behalf, is humbling and scary as hell.
Look, all of a sudden I'm kind of regretting including "CLOTHES-OFF CORPSE-ON-CORPSE XXX ORGY OF THE UNDEAD" and "MENU TO INCLUDE UNSHRIVEN KITTENS" on the invitation, is all I'm trying to say.
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Yikes, I know that hurt. ((hug)) sorry. It blows.
Whoa... FIRST!
Oh, that IS disappointing. Have you met the other parents who are having the parties? Perhaps they all live on the same block or already knew each other before the children went to preschool together?
Anyway, I hope some of Charlie's friends show up, so he has a good time.
That meat hand is awesomely nasty. "Meat Hand" would be a good name for a band.
Wait, they invited kids THROUGH the preschool and didn't invite everyone? That is so not done.
Ugh, so stressful. I hope EVERYONE comes to YOUR party and NOT the OTHER parties. Because I am so mature that way.
Really, it is crazy how stressful facilitating our kids' social lives can be. My daughter has an upcoming birthday and she is at a new school, and you would not believe the dithering and handwringing over the guest list I have been doing.
My kid's school doesn't allow distributing invites in the school mailboxes. So kids who aren't invited to the big shindigs only get their feelings hurt if the party was SO AWESOME that people are still talking about it the next day.
Helps a lot.
I'm with Liz. That was actually in the parent handbooks at our pre-school--no invitations were to be given out at the school. To avoid situations just like this!
Sorry, this sucks.
I agree that using the classroom itself to invite some kids from the class but not the ENTIRE class is just tacky. It you don't want to invite everyone, you send private invitations. I would TOTALLY only come to your shindig. Just sayin'.
I agree - the unwritten rule is only to pass out invites at school if you are inviting everyone. Otherwise, put them in an e-mail or snail mail. It's rude - for this very reason!
But I'm sorry anyway. I would come.
Oh poor you, and poor Charlie. I can relate, because my daughter was not invited to a single party in Kindergarten, not a single party in Grade 1, and finally one party in Grade 2. Now that she is in Grade 3, somehow it has all finally started clicking socially, and she has already been invited to four this year. But it took a few years of her hearing about parties she wasn't invited to, and my heart breaking for her every time.
Hopefully in your case it was just a matter of numbers, as opposed to personal like/dislike of your fabulous Charlie. I hope that some kids show up. What about getting the neighbours in on the act and having them over, too?
This makes me want to cry! I'm sure you've scoured his bag/cubby/pockets for the invites? Ack - I'm not ready for this part of parenting!!! I always figure there has to be SOME logical explanation?? Ugh, that sucks - sorry.
We also have the no invites in school rule -- mail 'em out. Actually, just last night, my husband asked why Bella's friend C was having a total meltdown at pick up time, and Bella said "Oh, she wasn't invited to X's halloween party." And neither was Bella, and she seemed totally nonplussed, so I said nothing.
I think a lot of parents try and limit attendees (there are 25 kids in Bella's class, and personally I think that's a mighty big handful of 5-year olds to try and entertain for a few minutes let alone a few hours) so I get that not every kid can come, but it still hurts like hell when it bites your kid in the ass.
Sorry, hope the rejects from the fnacy-shmancy stationary parties turn out to be the cool people who wind up at yours.
Oh, I'm sorry--that sucks.
We've spent much of the fall catching fleeting glimpses of celebrations to which we were not invited (new house, my own less than extroverted personality). I just went to enormously embarrassing lengths to make sure we got in on a neighborhood Halloween event that even though I bullied my son's name onto the list, we may have to move away from the shame of it all.
Trust me. TRUST me. I understand. We're going through the same thing here. And for what it's worth, you guys would be AT THE TOP of my list.
I am always SO worried about hurting anyone's feelings that we've never had a party with a limited guest list. Now, I am a single mother of two, I work full-time, and I live paycheck-to-paycheck, but dammit I manage to pull something together every year just to avoid making any kid feel bad. Last year's party: a private pool party for 100.
Has my middle-schooler been invited to the parties of her the "friends" she's had since kindergarten or earlier? Hardly. And her feelings are hurt every time. Breaks my heart and I totally don't understand why not, so of course I blame myself because our family dynamic is different than all of theirs, so that must be why she gets the cold-shoulder.
We'll shoot, I should just have a pity-party and not invite any of them. ;)
It's completely rude to bring invitations to school if you don't plan on including everyone. That's just a life rule. Grade for those crapsack parents - FAIL.
I know how you feel. My sweet, very outgoing and friendly little guy wanted to play with some other boys on the playground, and every one he asked said no. Not just "no thanks," but "why does that kid keep talking to me?" or "No way." Poor kid came back to me with tears in his eyes and said "Why won't anyone play with me?" I have to admit, it brought back horrible flashbacks of my own lonely, socially-awkward childhood, so I choked back my own tears, sat right down on the muddy ground, pulled him into my lap, and said "Because they're mean little jerks. That's why. C'mon, lets go find something fun to do."
Fuck 'em. Let's go pee on headstones!
Ugh. Dude. I so feel your pain. My daughter is a social butterfly and wants to be everyone's friend- not just that, but hold their hand and pat their back and occassionally give hugs and kisses. Turns out other 2-year-olds aren't quite so "friendly." I had a birthday party as a kid that nobody came to and it still makes me tear up to think about it. Seeing that feeling in my own kid makes me bawl my friggin' eyes out. I posted about it once on my blog and now I think it comes down to disappointment...accepting it, dealing with it, and teaching the kids how to do the same. But man, is it hard. Excuse me while I go cry for an hour. Why can't she be an agoraphobic introvert like me? It would be so much easier. http://drinkthatsun.blogspot.com/2009_09_01_archive.html
OK -- I had a long response written and lost it... but CJ summed it up so nicely. It's completely inappropriate and rude to bring invitations to a select few. This was happening at my daughter's preschool and I was insane. We spoke to the preschool director and it became policy -- as it is in most preschools in our area. Either everyone gets an invitation or they must be mailed or distributed off school property. Simple at that. It's ridiculous that it has to be a policy but there you go... you are seeing how rude, lazy, and stupid parents can be... I hate these people for you.
I am so worried about this thing exactly. Of course, the minute I put my daughter in daycare, it came up for me. I worried that her teachers didn't like her. As it turns out, she's kind of the perfect daycare kid - she doesn't cause trouble, and she's not an attention sucker. But anyway, I want to have birthday parties and such for her, but I would want them to be all inclusive, and I don't think I can manage that. I think it's better to have nothing at all rather than to exclude kids. On top of all that, I would worry about no one showing up too. Ugh. My only hope is that she will have her father's attitude and worry about it far less than I do.
Also, I love the eyes, but I do not love the hand. That's creepy. (um, and eerily reminiscent of my work. You don't want to know.)
That's so hard. I just avoid the problem all together. My boys aren't in preschool/daycare so I don't have to worry about them not getting invited to parties. Also, Gabe has a best friend and we're already trick-or-treating with her family, so a party isn't high on his list. See? No anxiety over invitations because there is no one to not send him invitations. Not looking forward to kindergarten next year... I mean invitations, and Valentines...
Also, I really hope people show up to your party, because the worst thing in the world is a disappointed child, and Halloween is supposed to be magical for children.
Ugh, I'm so sorry. I have a super friendly 16 month old and I'm worried on his behalf about making friends. He loves other kids and wants to be near them, and hug them, and some really don't appreciate it, nor do their parents. I hope for all of our sakes, that he isn't the odd man out as he grows up. I had very few friends as a kid and man it was hard.
Ugh, I also hate these people for you. What asshats. I have no idea what to do in that situation but I hope it's not awful for Charlie and for you.
My kids school doesn't allow you to distribute invites there unless you are inviting everyone. My almost 5 year old can see as well as the rest of us that X got a blue envelope and he did not.
I hope people come for Charlie's party. If we lived near, we'd TOTALLY come. Alas, we're in NJ.
I LOVE the hand!!!! I think I'm going to make it Saturday! Though I don't have a hand mold. I wonder if I can freeze the meatloaf in an exam glove (powder free) and then just unmold it to cook.
That's really awful. I remember being the kid who didn't get invited to a lot of parties and I still feel a little nauseous thinking about it. I know yours would be the coolest party in town, though. I don't even have kids and I'd come, but the drive from San Francisco is a bit far to try to tackle in a single day...
Yeah, I have two bottles of gamma globulin that have sat in my fridge for a year and a half. Time to throw them away as I peer at my 44th birthday and chase my adopted toddlers around.
I would totally come to your corpse on corpse orgy.
Um, total party foul, like so many commenters above noted. Distributing party invitations to only some at school? That's just not done! At least you were generous enough to welcome any/everyone to attend your totally awesome, non-meat-hand having shindig.
If my kid was in Charlie's class, we'd totally show up to your party.
Of course, I used to work in child care and I'm skilled at picking out the cool parents who would be the most fun to hang out with. I hope there's at least one other cool mom among his group of friends.
Apparently, no one told those parents to play nicely. Jerks. I wish you a good turn out, in the event that you don't I would suggest teaching Charlie the art of the TPing, goes with Halloween nicely...go get those that didn't invite him...
those parents are RUDEY HUXTABLE. even if your school doesn't have a no-invites-in-school-unless-everyone-is-invited rule (and why doesn't your school have that rule?????) what kind of lessons are those parents teaching THEIR kids?? it's ok to make other people feel bad?? no one expects everyone to be friends with everyone, except maybe beatrix potter and mr rogers, and they're dead. but you ARE expected -- or SHOULD BE EXPECTED, if your parents are not raising you in a skinner box -- to be polite and kind. rosemary wells's excellent tales from hilltop school series has a whole story about "no birthday talk in school" -- and a kid breaks the rule and SEES how it causes hurt feelings.
gah, look at me, ranting in sympathy with you! ptui ptui ptui! feh! those parents are douchetards. my shy kid's bday was last week, and we invited two kids from the class, in email. another classmate had a party the same day, and he invited EVERY kid in the class, via invite each kid's mailbox at school. the mom emailed me afterward saying that she'd heard that maxie's party was the same day, and were we cool, and i said we absolutely were. HI WE ARE CIVILIZED HIPPIES.
It may not be done as early as preschool but any chance they were all-girl birthday parties that just happened to have a Halloween theme?
As a 2nd grade teacher, I did not allow invites distributed in school but it was pretty typical for kids to have b-day parties and invite all the girls or all of the boys in the class. One year, there was an "all-girl" party, and I'd heard through the grapevine that all but ONE girl in the class had been invited. I got upset and spoke to the inviters mother who then wrangled up another invitation to deliver to the uninvited girl (at school). Confused and angry, the little girl approached me w/her invitation in hand.. Stating she did NOT want it b/c she was "a BOY, not a GIRL". I must have looked confused b/c the other little girls in class piped up, "Yeah, Mrs. E, ____ is a boy, NOT a girl!" Boy did I learn a big lesson in transgendered youth that day!
Is it wrong that I totally would have swiped one of the invites and taken my kid to it anyway?
Ha, Audrey, last night I was totally fantasizing about calling the other parents and saying, "How nice! We'd love to come!"
Juuuust to fuck with them a little.
I cringed reading this. It's just absolutely heartbreaking to see your child go through the inevitable social rejection experiences that plague childhood. Reject me a million times but just don't reject my child.
Oh Julie, I feel your pain. Mother anxiety sucks the worst.
Several people commented about how they threw parties that no one attended, and y'all can add me to that list. (I made the mistake of asking my mom for social advice when I was in 7th grade, and how to be more popular. She said "have a get together and invite the cool kids you want to be friends with!" She meant well.)
Anyway, I was a bit older than Charlie when that happened, and I hope that everyone else who had that experience was also older. Im guessing by the time Charlie is 3rd grade, probably even before, he'll be making his own friends and be all set. If other parents don't like you, that would be too bad, but at least Charlie wouldn't be left out by the other children.
Oh, and I would think that most elementary schools at any rate, would have a "no invites in school unless you have one for the whole class." Maybe you could ask C's kindergarten teacher next year, just for the info.
Honestly, I hope my boys fall into the rank an file of the social hierarchy when they are older. That's probably the easiest way to grow up---not be the picked on kid(s), but not be the ringleader either. But, I don't know how much my social standing would affect theirs, at least during preschool age. Julie wonders if the lack of invites has something to do with her---we don't know the answer of course, but I can see how parents can be really judgemental of other parents and take it out on the kids who are blameless.
Ditto to everything above about the rudeness of bringing invites at preschool but not to the whole class. But forget that, my advice about YOUR party is to be proactive. Call the parents of Charlie's closest friend(s) and invite them on the phone. Don't wait till the day of and be on pins and needles to see if anyone shows up. If you get at least one of Charlie's friends to be there, chances are he'll be okay even if no one else comes. And really, a sign might well be overlooked the way those invites aren't, so you might want to put xeroxes in everyone's box...?
I just realized after reading this post it's freaking Nov and we have yet to receive any invites..although I think we're not allowed to do inviting on school grounds. Have to check on that as I have b-day coming up that I need to send out invites for.
Although I have the trouble making, no impulse control, likes to shout out in class, ADD, on meds kid so I'm not sure how many friends he does have at school. It's not easy to make friends with a kid who is in your face all the time. But he's 5 and we're working on it.
What f'ing kills me is for the past 4 years my g damned brother can't even make it to his b-day party and he lives 20 minutes away. We send out invites..they (SIL and Bro) both know the time and the date a month out..a reminder a few weeks before ... my Mom talks to them daily (she lives close as well) and they've still managed to forget or miss. My husband always says well fine then we just won't invite them. I always remind him I will not stoop down to that level of unresponsibility.
It's so hard being a parent...I think disappointment is the hardest part of being a parent.
I can remember a few years ago it was a hard day hubby was in Iraq...the kid was driving me nuts and all I wanted to do was take him to the local pool. I pulled up at the city pool..it was closed that day. I drove to the local YMCA...it was closed for swim lessons. I started bawling hsyterically. Do you think the 20 month old really gave 2 shits..or even knew what was going on for heaven's sake???? I did find another city pool that was open and I felt better but boy oh boy...that was a heavy day for me.
They are intimidated by your and C's awesomeness y/y?
Also, if you promised Meet 'n' Greet To Beat Your Meat with our Meat Hand, and then made that gruesome shit in jpg 2, they would effing flock .
See? Everybody says what I said: NOT COOL. But believe me when I say that I totally know about foisting your own insecurities on your kid's Popularity Checks. This one just socks out loud.
Yup definitely should be a rule about this.
Although it doesnt stop mean 4 year olds telling people that "you aren't invited to my party". This stuff makes me cry every time though.
I asked my husband recently what his childhood birthday parties were like, and he said he only had one, and nobody came, so he didn't have any more after that. My husband is 34 years old and doesn't care anymore, but that broke my heart.
"To which neither was of one Charlie invited to. (I'm so upset that I've totally lost control of my grammar."
I thought it was cute: you sounded just like Ainsley Hayes from "The West Wing" when she got nervous.
On the invites thing...we've been invited to a few parties that didn't include the whole school (it's a fairly big school) -- and I'm sure there are plenty we haven't been invited to. But the invites always get sent home directly, not posted where other kids have to look at them. =/
This is awkward at any age, and I hope it all works out for the best.
Ouch. We're going through the same thing and I'm about ready to kick someone's ass. What was the best was my daughter hearing all about the awesome party on Monday morning and asking me why I didn't let her go.
Christ, what assholes...
well, this is my take: if he has one or two "best" buddies, I say call those moms and do a personal invite -- and, for us this year (I was freaking out about all things in life) and so I emailed one mom I know does something and invited ourselves (we are friends and I felt ok with that) and then asked another mom who I did not know what she did but I like her & her kid and turns out she is having a gathering. Today I got a third invite from my kids best buddy for a community sort of thing - anyway, I do think you have to be proactive for your kid and I hate doing it but what I am doing is if my kid likes the other kid (enough) and I REALLY like the mom, I pursue it...the other thing - at our preschool its almost never "invite the whole class" so I'm ok with that...