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10/03/2009

It's probably a good thing I don't do book reviews

If you're my friend on Facebook, which is sort of like being my bricks-and-mortar friend except that I seldom send anyone a pancreas in real life, or if you follow me on Twitter, which is sort of like being stabbed in the eye with an icepick several times a day, you've already seen this, but I can't help it, I have to repeat myself.

The nice people at OBGYN.net thought I needed to know about a new book, you see — an advertisement delivered handily to my mailbox via their newsletter mailing list — and since I'm all about passing along valuable medical information in a mature, responsible, and evenhanded way, I think you need to know, so that we may all benefit from this new wealth of knowledge together:

Women's Secret's, Men's Muscles Unveiled is "a complex contentious subject laced with humor, literature, and impelling illustrations, from a physician who has spent his life exploring the subject."

The author, "a medical schoolteacher and professor who served in four medical schools and supervised many hospital departments of obstetrics/gynecology," proposes to reveal "the secrets of women and the abuses of the male and his muscles."  "After all," he writes, "I have seen thousands of vaginas and should have learned something or maybe even made an original observation."

Sounds good, yes?

...No?

Please enjoy some of these original observations about those muffs beyond number:

The vagina is one of the last things to cry about

Boy, I'm glad we still have the vadge.  I just crossed "giant pandas, dwindling population of" off my list, and I'm working pretty industriously through "loved ones, untimely deaths of."  I was afraid once I polished off "plastic bags caught in tree branches, ineffable sadness of," I'd be fresh out of things to get weepy over.

Its power is extraordinary...

Sort of like a Dyson.  Without the HEPA filter.  (But I speak only for myself.  Maybe newer models come with more accessories.)

comparable to an ocean that is calm yet terrifying...

Calm...yet terrifying! 

it is beautiful yet foreboding.

Beautiful...yet foreboding!  You know, for a guy who brags about a wide acquaintance, so to speak, with what he calls "the most powerful bargaining chip," he sure seems kind of freaked out by what I have always considered a rather unassuming arrangement of parts.  It kind of makes me want to chase him around the room with one while I make spooky noises.  OoooooOOOooo! [V,VNSFW]

But perhaps I'm being hasty, because he also invokes

...the promise of the vagina, a seductive, dark, invisible, undulating, moist pathway to conception and birth.

I...think he means that in a nice way.

The vagina is the foundation of human relationships; good, bad, and indifferent.

My vagina is decidedly not indifferent.  It has mulishly informed me that it will not buy this book.  But then maybe I just don't understand the subtle language of the V-bag [video].  Doctor, can you recommend a handy phrasebook?

A very important resource for women is Our Bodies, Ourselves by the Boston Women’s Health Book Collective. Each edition of this book is chock full of facts, so much so that I gave it to each of my daughters when they became teenagers.

Wow.  I wish my dad had given me a book about the ham wallet when I was 13.  But perhaps I'm being a touch too vulgar.  What do you think, Doctor?  Do I strike you as unladylike?

Some women have concluded that the sexual solution was to behave as men: for example, initiate seductions, utilize masturbation toys, use male hormones, or be assertive about same sex relationships. This is OK, and this is fun, but this runs the risk of demystifying women’s precious asset...Do not diminish the mystery of your assets.

What?  I can't hear you.  The internal combustion engine on my vibrator makes one hellacious racket.  I'm never buying an all-wheel drive again.  Okay, it's off now.  Say it again...What's that?  Wait, hang on.  It's too loud in here.  I have to reinsert Camille Paglia's ball gag.  She just won't shut up.

Anyway, like I said, I'm not going to buy this book.  But think for yourself.  Don't take my advice:

I encourage you to seek more information on the Internet. Beware, much of it is trash, very unreliable.

And perhaps a copy for a loved one?  Perhaps someone who "fails to think of his penis as a toy and often uses it as a weapon"?

I want men to read this book—they tell most of the jokes about vaginas.

Indeed they do, Doctor.  Hey, I heard a good one the other day!  It's about, oh, 188 pages long and has a creepy dismembered metal lady on the front.

Seriously.  Buy it.  I'm told it's a very good read:

The free association style of the book is twenty-first century. James Joyce is infamous for his use of free association.

James Joyce's masterwork Ulysses did not win the Nobel Prize, staggering the literary world.  Neither will this book.  That is the only commonality I am inclined to note.  Oh, and James Joyce called it a cunt, and did he like it dirty.  What?  I'm just free-associating.  Everybody's doing it.  It's very 21st century.

I am a gynecologist, and when people hear this, it usually generates smiles and jokes.

I wonder what they say when you tell them you're an author.

This book is not intended to be a text or scholarly treatise.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're all clear on that.

_________
A poke of the ice-cold tenaculum to Orange for the disconcertingly lifelike vulvas.

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