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10/03/2009
It's probably a good thing I don't do book reviews
If you're my friend on Facebook, which is sort of like being my bricks-and-mortar friend except that I seldom send anyone a pancreas in real life, or if you follow me on Twitter, which is sort of like being stabbed in the eye with an icepick several times a day, you've already seen this, but I can't help it, I have to repeat myself.
The nice people at OBGYN.net thought I needed to know about a new book, you see — an advertisement delivered handily to my mailbox via their newsletter mailing list — and since I'm all about passing along valuable medical information in a mature, responsible, and evenhanded way, I think you need to know, so that we may all benefit from this new wealth of knowledge together:
Women's Secret's, Men's Muscles Unveiled is "a complex contentious subject laced with humor, literature, and impelling illustrations, from a physician who has spent his life exploring the subject."
The author, "a medical schoolteacher and professor who served in four medical schools and supervised many hospital departments of obstetrics/gynecology," proposes to reveal "the secrets of women and the abuses of the male and his muscles." "After all," he writes, "I have seen thousands of vaginas and should have learned something or maybe even made an original observation."
Sounds good, yes?
...No?
Please enjoy some of these original observations about those muffs beyond number:
The vagina is one of the last things to cry about.
Boy, I'm glad we still have the vadge. I just crossed "giant pandas, dwindling population of" off my list, and I'm working pretty industriously through "loved ones, untimely deaths of." I was afraid once I polished off "plastic bags caught in tree branches, ineffable sadness of," I'd be fresh out of things to get weepy over.
Its power is extraordinary...
Sort of like a Dyson. Without the HEPA filter. (But I speak only for myself. Maybe newer models come with more accessories.)
comparable to an ocean that is calm yet terrifying...
Calm...yet terrifying!
it is beautiful yet foreboding.
Beautiful...yet foreboding! You know, for a guy who brags about a wide acquaintance, so to speak, with what he calls "the most powerful bargaining chip," he sure seems kind of freaked out by what I have always considered a rather unassuming arrangement of parts. It kind of makes me want to chase him around the room with one while I make spooky noises. OoooooOOOooo! [V,VNSFW]
But perhaps I'm being hasty, because he also invokes
...the promise of the vagina, a seductive, dark, invisible, undulating, moist pathway to conception and birth.
I...think he means that in a nice way.
The vagina is the foundation of human relationships; good, bad, and indifferent.
My vagina is decidedly not indifferent. It has mulishly informed me that it will not buy this book. But then maybe I just don't understand the subtle language of the V-bag [video]. Doctor, can you recommend a handy phrasebook?
A very important resource for women is Our Bodies, Ourselves by the Boston Women’s Health Book Collective. Each edition of this book is chock full of facts, so much so that I gave it to each of my daughters when they became teenagers.
Wow. I wish my dad had given me a book about the ham wallet when I was 13. But perhaps I'm being a touch too vulgar. What do you think, Doctor? Do I strike you as unladylike?
Some women have concluded that the sexual solution was to behave as men: for example, initiate seductions, utilize masturbation toys, use male hormones, or be assertive about same sex relationships. This is OK, and this is fun, but this runs the risk of demystifying women’s precious asset...Do not diminish the mystery of your assets.
What? I can't hear you. The internal combustion engine on my vibrator makes one hellacious racket. I'm never buying an all-wheel drive again. Okay, it's off now. Say it again...What's that? Wait, hang on. It's too loud in here. I have to reinsert Camille Paglia's ball gag. She just won't shut up.
Anyway, like I said, I'm not going to buy this book. But think for yourself. Don't take my advice:
I encourage you to seek more information on the Internet. Beware, much of it is trash, very unreliable.
And perhaps a copy for a loved one? Perhaps someone who "fails to think of his penis as a toy and often uses it as a weapon"?
Indeed they do, Doctor. Hey, I heard a good one the other day! It's about, oh, 188 pages long and has a creepy dismembered metal lady on the front.I want men to read this book—they tell most of the jokes about vaginas.
Seriously. Buy it. I'm told it's a very good read:
The free association style of the book is twenty-first century. James Joyce is infamous for his use of free association.
James Joyce's masterwork Ulysses did not win the Nobel Prize, staggering the literary world. Neither will this book. That is the only commonality I am inclined to note. Oh, and James Joyce called it a cunt, and did he like it dirty. What? I'm just free-associating. Everybody's doing it. It's very 21st century.
I am a gynecologist, and when people hear this, it usually generates smiles and jokes.
I wonder what they say when you tell them you're an author.
This book is not intended to be a text or scholarly treatise.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're all clear on that.
_________A poke of the ice-cold tenaculum to Orange for the disconcertingly lifelike vulvas.
Comments (71)
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I love you. And I think my vadge has been secretly communicating with your vadge from the beginning of our acquaintance. Perhaps that is why the long distance relationship abides. Vadgekenisis. We are connected that way.
Oh this just completely fed into my Man-Hate this week! Thank you! Thank You!
and I wonder when this guy is going to come out of the closet about his patronizing transgenderness.
This might be the most I've ever laughed at one of your posts.
Have you ordered your own custom-made vulva pendant yet? I'm gonna ask if I can get hairs around the periphery of mine.
Get your vulva paraphernalia HERE!
http://www.etsy.com/search_results.php?search_type=handmade&search_query=vulva&order=date_desc&ship_to=
Dude. I was afraid of my cooter before. Now, I think it just tried to hide somewhere behind my left ovary. THANKS.
What a pompous tool. How cute of him to think HE has the answers.
If he had a FB page I would like to throw a flaming vagina at him...
The shame of it all is that now that I have read his words, I can never un-read them.
What the hell? I can't even understand a single sentence he's written.
I read just a few sentences on that link and was deeply and sincerely hoping this book had been written in another language and badly translated. Seeing that the author's name is Harold Schulman does not reassure me.
On a positive note, I do now have one name I can cross off the list of doctors whose services I will ever use.
"Beautiful...yet foreboding."
It's the teeth.
Kathy, do you, too, sing the "Vagina Dentata" song to the tune of "Hakuna Matata" whenever you watch The Lion King?
Deary me.
Sometimes it truly is better to say nothing than write a load of daft stuff about female anatomy, and confirm that you are really strange, after all.
I mean the book author, not yourself, Julie.
Can you imagine the dinner party conversations that book would provoke?
g
De-lurking to say, Vagina jewelry? (Say that three times fast!) Really? How . . . self-important.
As I said to someone who once said that hunting animals was "natural and organic", and I think this applies here in this case, "A bowel movement is natural and organic but I don't want to see that, either."
Holy crap, that link goes to all my grrrrrlfriends.
Jules
HAM WALLET?! Superb. And here was me thinking I'd heard 'em all before!
And OH, my eyes!
I want to know more about the jewelry. Really, could fit a good number of circumstances. Pendant. Keychain. Dangly bling for the speculum. Could be used like trading cards. I have a Julie but no orange, wanna trade?
No reviews posted on Amazon yet. Please oh please, wouldn't you like to be the first?
Genius. Possibly the best of the internet this week.
Get on that amazon thing. Review your vadge off.
Wow. I LOVE that video. I know they are less prudish in Europe than we are in America, but "mow the lawn?" As a mood enhancer? Really? Next time Im feeling a little down, I'll go shave my pubic hair and see if I feel any better. I've never noticed that razor burn and ingrown hairs have improved my mood, but maybe I was looking at it with a repressed American attitude.
Ugh, Im sure that Harold Schulman means well, but that's just embarrassing. Dude, keep your diary to yourself.
This guy obviously studied at the "If-one-adjective-is-good-then-two-or-three-would-be-SUPERB!" school of writing.
Seriously. Who told this moron he could be an author? Please tell me this is self-published, because I cannot imagine any editor worth their salt letting this atrocity see the light of day. Ahem, this trashy, idiotic and slimy atrocity, that is.
The next time my boyfriend tries to get fresh with me when I'm just not feeling it (when his stubble hurts my face, when he smells like he at hot dogs and watched football all day, when the dog is looking on intently, etc), I'm just going to tell him that my vagina is feeling indifferent and that I don't want to diminish the mystery of my assets.
The next time my boyfriend tries to get fresh with me when I'm just not feeling it (when his stubble hurts my face, when he smells like he at hot dogs and watched football all day, when the dog is looking on intently, etc), I'm just going to tell him that my vagina is feeling indifferent and that I don't want to diminish the mystery of my assets.
Somewhere a therapist is shaking his head and trying to explain that this book is not quite what he had in mind when he suggested freewriting to help deal with some of his client's sexual issues.
"Self-improvement requires recognition of one’s faults or weaknesses." Yes. Please reflect, Doctor.
"...a romantic period of medical practice." Pardon? Seriously?
"One gift of freedom is that you have choices." - e.g., not read this heap of shit.
This book just seems incredibly creepy.
"It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again...."
I am having trouble breathing I am laughing so hard.
What a douche bucket that guy is. Thank god he's not my GYN.
"The topics discussed in this book can be entered into Google, and the world of knowledge will explode onto your screen."
Yeah, google topics from this book and something will explode on your screen all right.
Or instead of collecting jewelry, vagina trading cards! Like Pokemon, only pinker. With power points listed for Indifference, Mystery, Cry-worthiness, Terror, and Moistness.
"...because I was fortunate to live in a romantic period of medical practice."
Now that romance in regards to an OB is considered "unprofessional" and "illegal" I had to switch fields. I was fortune enough to find a speciality that spoke directly to me, Batshitcrazy-ology.
I am... very confused and frightened by this whole thing o_O So much so that when I attempted to use the "Look Inside This Book!" feature on Amazon, I could not get past the fact that two of the parts of the book available for viewing are "Front Flap" and "Back Flap"... D:
(Or the fact that one of the chapter names is "It Itches, Burns or Leaks"... o_O)
GAAAAAAH
I am laughing myself into incontinence here.
...Uh, further into.
"These brief reviews signal once again the intrigue of the vagina as a mythical and enchanting secret passageway overflowing with danger."
OVERFLOWWWWWINNNNNG
I was this close to buying it, my finger trembling on the purchase button, and then he invoked Jonathan Safran Foer who I can't stand and he lost me. It sucks because I want to know about my vagina, but I can't stand Foer. Vagina. Foer. Vagina. Foer.
I just realized that would make a great curse--Julie, stop being such a vaginafoer. Now it just needs a definition.
"Ham wallet?" Wow. That's a new one. Personally, I like "split knish." A bit ethnic, but iconic.
Just in case anyone wants a visual on the cooter tutor and his lovely, highly tolerant wife, they're here: http://www.tippingthescalesforyou.com/
...Wow.
Yeah.
So!
@Kate yes, it is self-published (what a surprise!). @Jessica, front flap ... back flap, what about "Surprise me!"
You know, I don't think I'd feel comfortable going to an OBGYN who found vaginas MYSTEEEEEERIOUS. Dude. You went to college for this, right? And it's mostly a big flesh tube sock, right? What are you finding confusing, here?
Orange: Singing "Vagina Dentata: Ain't no passing phaaaaase," is killing me over here.
Jessica: Front flap? Back flap? Thanks for the laughter induced asthma attack.
Beeee afraaaaaiiiiddd of the vag, doctor. Be very, very afraaaaiiiidddd...
Jesus. Like akeeyu said, he did go to school for this, right? In this century? He's definitely got that medeval "women are foul temptresses, ready to make a sainted pure man lose his way" thing kind of going on there.
Aaah, good old vagina dentata. Makes me want to share this gem of a joke. Little Johnny out shopping with his mum lifts up the skirt on a mannequin, Mum says 'don't do that... don't you know ladies have teeth down there'. Fast forward to 16yo Johnny making out with his girlfriend. Girlfriend urges Johnny to touch her nethers.. Johnny refuses - insisting she has teeth down there. Girlfriend tells him thats not the case, whips her panties down, throws her legs up over her shoulders and says 'see, theres no teeth'. Johnny takes look and says 'Well, I'm not surprised - look at the state of those gums'.
I've been looking for a book about pregnancy that's funny and won't be a good sleeping aid instead. Thanks for sharing this book with us.
Oh good lord. Please tell me this moron is a *retired* ob-gyn.
OMG! I thought this book had to have been written by my old OB, affectionately called "Dr. Doom" by me and my hubby, but no. Schulman is not my Dr. Doom. But he may be psychotic. Whereas I concluded that my Dr. Doom was merely a sociopath, focused on his hatred of women. I find it hard to believe that there are two certifiable wackos in this field, but there you have it. The existence of this book on Amazon makes me sad.
Are you kidding me? "demystifying women’s precious asset"? What a jacka$$!
"I wonder what they say when you tell them you're an author."
That and "cooter tutor" (above) made my whole week. Thank you.
This post is killing me, Julie...and the comments are excellent! "Cooter tutor" indeed, Carol!
On a looooong list of hilarious posts that you've written, this has got to be one of the funniest. And that's saying something!
If this guy really cares so much about women and their parts, maybe he should have written a book for men on how to find a clitoris. At least that would be useful.
I didn't realize vaginas were so frightening. It was my giant embryo swallowing fibroid that had my RE and GYN sweating bullets. They were trembling before its awesomeness. Get it out!!! Take it away!!! OMG what is that thing?!? Then they lined up their interns to come in and see it too. It was its own freak show, I'll tell you. None of them even gave my magic box a second look.
Between Jon Stewart's use of Vindaloo and now substituting 'vadge' for 'veg' in all my Wallace & Gromit shows, I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed.
And Julie, I suck at Latin (have fun with that!), and ought have referred to our cootenanny communications as 'vadgelepathy', not vagekenisis.
um. okay. wow. this frightens me.
Frightens you more than the beautiful YET FOREBODING mystery of one's assets?
Irukandji, I am laughing like a looooon at "cootenannny."
Ironic how a douche can make you feel dirty.