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10/17/2009
Truing up
I just want you to know that at no time has any agent affiliated with the TSA relieved me of either of my children during an airport security screening. This is kind of odd when you consider that until recently I traveled carrying Nestle infant formula liquid poison, Ben's diapers are filled not with highly absorbent gel but the somewhat explodier Semtex, and Charlie goes nowhere without his nipple ring.
If this is making no sense to you, hello! Welcome to my blog, where little that I say ever does. I'm referring to a story posted by a blogger claiming that TSA agents had separated her toddler son from her during a security screening, contrary to the TSA's stated policy. The TSA rebutted the story on its blog, posting video footage that appears to contradict several of the blogger's contentions, including the most upsetting, that her child had been taken out of her sight while she remained in the screening area.
Which makes me realize I should say a few things about truth. I solemnly assure you that here at executive headquarters of A Little Pregnant Global Amalgamated Light Industrial Concern, we operate under the highest standards of veracity and accountability. I will allow, however, that there may have been...certain assertions...I've made here in the past that might have been...left open to interpretation. Or misconstrued. Or misquoted. Misquoted! That's it. Yes, I wouldn't be at all surprised if now and again I've misquoted myself. We legitimate journalists bloggers do that.
So in the interest of correcting any perceived inaccuracies, I give you now the unvarnished truth, with my apologies for having misled you.
- My husband's name isn't Paul. It's actually Viggo. That's short for Vercingetorix and, Jesus, you should see him unify the Gauls.
- My boy/girl twins are not the result of IVF.
- I live not in a small New England town but in a climate-controlled glass sarcophagus that is kept in constant flight aboard a military aircraft maintained at a cruising altitude of 39,000 feet. The flight crew sleep in shifts, and when the plane is low on gas they do one of those aerial refueling maneuvers, thanks to a craft with a probe that looks not entirely unlike an airplane wang.
- All proceeds from my sidebar advertising actually get split evenly between the NRA and my get-a-portrait-of-Ted-Nugent-tattooed-on-my-breast fund.
- My infertility is not, in fact, unexplained. It turns out — funny story, remind me to tell you sometime — I'm actually a mule.
- It wasn't a breast pump. It was a penis pump. Oh, don't pretend you're surprised.
- You know, I like the cut of that William Saletan's jib. (As an aside, I regret mispronouncing his name as I Fucking Hate William Saletan. My apologies, my good sir. It turns out the I Fucking Hate is silent.)
- I didn't drink all the vodka I claimed to in any of my sadder posts. Actually it's been Windex.
- I only told you I had two C-sections because I didn't want you to suspect I carry within me a seductive, dark, invisible, undulating, moist pathway to conception and birth.
- IVF attempts 1 through 3 were mistakenly attributed to Oscar Wilde. IVF attempts 4 through 6 are actually a 47-year-old unemployed dataprocessor living in squalor in a mobile home in eastern Washington state. IVF attempt 7 might have given your computer a virus, so I hope you run frequent backups. IVF attempt 8 wants you to know that it was provided as a review copy in exchange for promotional consideration on this blog.
Anyone else have any corrections to make? Now's the time to set the record straight.
Hey! Look! I'm a finalist for a blog award. If you feel moved, vote. If you feel moved to vote for me, vote a lot! I wouldn't normally ask, but the ultimate prize is real money, which might just pay for the Nuge.
Comments (46)
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I'm actually a midget cross-dresser living in Detroit named Uncle Steve and not "Your Aunt Becky." And I can't fucking STAND vodka.
I've been reading your blog for a lone time, and I don't believe that bit about the vodka. Not even a teensy bit.
Right now I'm trying to imagine how one would go about actually going through IVF on an airplane, and it isn't pretty. Damn funny, though, you crazy liar.
One good thing about that Ted Nugent tatoo. When you are 80 and your boobs sag to your knees it will still look the same.
Thank you for bringing the funny (minor tip of the hat to Aaron Sorkin for that line).
If anyone could find it, I knew it would be you.
And Liv makes an excellent point about the tattoo :).
Damn that was funny. I rarely laugh out loud at blogs, but that "It turns out the I Fucking Hate is silent" part cracked me up. I'll vote for you. Twice.
You've been drinking.
Me, too.
I am congratulating myself over here... My bullshit alarm has been spot-on these past few days. Balloon boy was never in the balloon, it said, and that anxiety-woman was not being altogether truthful and/or sane about the TSA incident.
Maybe it's my deeply cynical nature, but I've long believed that all infertility bloggers exaggerate their experiences. I don't hold it against any of you, since it engenders more sympathy, page views, and makes for a more interesting read. :-)
I've never met you in my life.
Regular Windex? I find that the Ammonia Free stuff has a lovely bouquet, and doesn't make your pee blue. I suppose this could be looked at as a perk or a negative, depending.
The "I Fucking Hate" may be silent, but I believe the "...Noble Defender of Creepy Ass Pedophiles" is not.
i voted for you because i know you are absolutely telling the truth, and it's damn sure time you did!
This is funny! Thank you!
P.S. for those of you who believe the TSA video was real, and the US government never lies--I have some WMD for sale. I hid them in my uterus. For a small promotional fee, CNN will be revealing all, so hurry up and send me the money by paypal!
The TSA has a blog? Jesus H. Christ.
My little girl--technically I guess she'd be a preschooler, but she actually dropped out--have traveled loads of times and each time have had some goofy encounter with TSA, like when she was a newborn and they wanted me to take off her socks that had little shoe-like designs on them. Or when she was two and I brought a little box of milk, a milk box if you will, and contrary to my understanding of the rules would only let us bring it if we submitted to an extensive search, which included a thorough pat-down of my 28-lber. These are just two of many silly stories. They've never separated us but those people can be pretty crazy so I wouldn't put it past them. As for me, though, I've had enough weird things happen I don't need to make them up.
I just voted for you (because I love you dearly) and you're in second place at 39%. Come on, people!! Go vote for Julie!! Our lyin' girlfriend needs to buy those precious boys of hers highly nutritious Lunchables!!!
LOL too funny!
I just voted. No registration is needed. Couldn't be easier.
What colasensei said. Also, I'm assuming you were misquoted and meant to say "get-another-portrait..."
Now heading to the polls ... here's hoping you does for the bloggers (and commenters! and lurkers!) what Viggo does for the Gauls because good heavens you deserve it for the NYT post alone.
Eeek - your competition is...um....trying to be polite...weak. I can't believe you're not in first place. I will vote again!
Damn, I have that silent problem with Will Saletan's name, too.
Having flown with my baby, I have to say that I can't believe that TSA (despite their infinite stupidity) would do that. If for no other reason than it would require effort on their part. And even if they did try to do that, who would let them? What flight is that important?
I voted for you too! I think you were in second place...
Are William Saletan's middle names really "Smug, Clueless Asshole," or did I just read that somewhere?
And by "somewhere" I do not mean "the Post-It pad next to my monitor"?
OK, I do mean that. I do.
I read once that using only your first and last names means you're down-to-earth.
Just went over to vote, and the blog is the lead is making the argument that winning would mean money, which would mean less stress, which would mean . . . . .
She went there.
Julie I am slightly horrified at the company you are keeping, that blog in the lead is, well, AWFUL! I will vote early, vote often, to try and balance out the universe somewhat.
I'm from the Chicago area...can we "vote early, vote often" like they're fond of around here?? ;)
whew - glad we got that little lot sorted out! Just ran off and voted...
Lol, you are too funny. Thanks for clearing up all those little misconceptions, I feel better knowing that the truth is out there. Also, I voted for you.
Wow, seriously? You're LOSING to someone who ACTUALLY WROTE "Winning $1000=Less stress= Better chances to conceive a baby!"?! It's like Bush v. Gore all over again.
In the interest of polite, truthful disclosure, it should be noted that I am, in fact, a natural blonde. Mostly. Sort of. In the summertime. In bright light.
These pants do not make my butt look big. (The E.L Fudge cookies make my butt look big, but they're maaagically delicious, so I thought that magic would be the not embiggening of my posterior).
Hey Julie, I thought you'd be interested in the following research (I'm in no way affliated with Yale -- just came across my screen and I slapped my head and said, for real? Fewer multiple births when insurance covers IVF? Who'd have thunk?):
IVF Insurance Coverage Yields Fewer Multiple Births, Yale Researchers Find
New Haven, Conn. — The proportion of in vitro fertilization (IVF) multiple births was lower in the eight states that provide insurance coverage for couples seeking IVF treatment, primarily due to fewer embryos transferred per cycle, Yale School of Medicine researchers report in an abstract presented at the American Society for Reproductive Medicine meeting in Atlanta, Georgia, October 17-21.
Honestly, the first thing that came to my mind when I watched that TSA cc video was, "Who in their right mind would take a freaking BOB to the airport?" I love my BOBs - I have two, even - and I've taken dozens of domestic and international flights with one or two babies, but it would never occur to me to roll them around Hartsfield in a BOB.
VOTED! You totally deserve to win this. I can't believe you only have 39% of the votes. Come on, everybody!
Good lord, is the progression of those sites really "The Knot," "The Nest", and "The Bump?!?!?!?!" As if life actually offered any guarentees that way. I'm flashbacking to Grrrrrl's great rant about the ending of "Bend It Like Beckham" when the cue for "happily ever after" was a knocked up female character at the end. I fear for the generation of young women who think that A follows B follows C so logically and neatly.
VOTE FOR JULIE!
Wow. Will Saletan. The name sounded familiar so I googled him and was baffled to discover that I went to college with him (at a place so small that if I didn't know him I should have at least known someone who was sleeping with him).
I voted for you, but I'm not comfortable doing so, since it was FERTILITY contest, and clearly...
-Margie
I voted....10 times....will do again later -
I added you to my new, tiny, little, unrelated blog -
I adore your writing!!
Shannon
Saw this and thought of you. I don't know why; it just seemed like something I'd link to from your blog (which I love!). Enjoy!
http://www.inhabitots.com/2009/10/01/doing-it-for-the-kids-design-exhibition-placenta-teddy-bear/
I'm back to report that it is in fact possible to vote often (not sure about early). Just click the link in Julie's blog and each time you can do that, you can vote. I'm just sayin'.
I'd have been OK with $1,000 = more Foll.istim. Less stress? Not so much.
It won't let me vote anymore. I got in many, many votes before it stopped letting me in but I never made a dent in the 39%.
I've flown a ton with my kid and have never had any weirdness with the TSA. Strangely enough, that is not a lie. They've let me take on large quantities of milk when I've explained my long travel time. They've never asked me to un-arm my child (haha, not that I armed my kid in the first place). I've gone through in Bjorns with all their buckles and belts. Only stupidity was asking to take off the child's "shoes." Swear to Dog, never any unpleasantness and usually they're pretty nice. Or indifferent. Weird, eh? (I do not work for the TSA. Not lying. Just amazed at the decent treatment I've received.)'K, I'm off to vote, now that I've put in a good word for the gov't.
Hey, I KNOW that guy in #10. I'm local to Eastern WA, and I had no idea my friend Dave was selling his sperm to the banks. Let me remind him to send you some child support for those kids...
Off to vote!
I think you already have it, but I nominated you for the over the Top award!
The titles of those other blogs made me want to throw up. Would have been a waste too since voting was closed. :(
Wow, I am a super crazy neurotic nut and even I thought TSA mom went a tad overboard in her blog.
I have flown a ton with my kids and have never, ever had trouble with the TSA. One time they did ask my 18 month old non-walker to walk thru himself - which was a bit dicey since he was clinging to my leg but I kind of waived him through and then dragged him along with me and all was ok.
And not to be a total b*tch but she really needs to get a better grip and learn how to handle stressful situations better than that.
I agree with Elizabeth – if you are that prone to blackouts induced by anxiety, you shouldn't be flying, much less with a toddler. Period. You're not capable.
(That's not a statement about the truthiness of either her account or the TSA's but plain common sense. If you knew you were likely to react that way to stress, would you endanger your child?)
Ok so I have had some SERIOUS issues with TSA although they claim it's not them it's the airlines. I have yet been able to get a straight answer out of either groups..neither will raise a hand and say "Yup that's us!"
So my 6 week old infant...apparently we named him wrong..we should have named Nafief (no knock to Nafief) as naming him Robert was the nail in the coffin. I walk up..we'd bought him a seat it was a long flight. He got selected for security screening? And every time we fly he gets selected for security screening. WTF OVER?
Sure sure you can search his ass crack..lemme get you (digs in diaper bag..) oh shit I don't have anymore wet wipes...well damn I guess you can just use your shirt when you decide to "check his cavities" and he craps all over your hands.
Nope never had a f'ing problem with TSA. Never.
He's almost 6 and I've thought about changing his name multiple times cuz apparently there are alot of Robert's out there that are terrorists. As each time we've flow he gets selected. He's screwed for life. Screw the can't pronounce the damn kid's name issue how about the can't get on a plane within the 2 hours allotted issue.
BTW I love your blog. Love it love it love it.
Infertile as well...
Funny post! And congrats on the blog award nomination :)