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11/09/2009
Quickie
- Our Halloween party...wasn't. There were a few casual acceptances by friends who never showed, and so the informal open house I'd envisioned ended up instead as a quick dinner with the family of one (1) of Charlie's friends and his parents. I learned a lot from the experience — namely, that if only one family responds, you're probably better off calling, explaining, and offering to let them off the hook — and experienced only a mild amount of inconvenience and embarrassment in doing so. (I would have been somewhat less embarrassed had I put the tower of festive paper goods and the three bottles of wine away before their arrival; I would have been somewhat more so had I revealed that in addition to the pizzas, there was a gigantic lasagna in the oven to boot.)
The kids had fun, and that's what matters, right? That and the fact that I now have left over two surprisingly decent bottles of red that I don't even have to share.
Thanks, everyone, for your sympathetic indignation, your support, and your suggestions. The one that I found most helpful was the observation Ellen made, that I need to "mommy network." Leaving aside the fact that the idea of "mommy anything"ing fills me with trepidation, she's right: "This is all about you socializing. Sorry, that's the game." More on this in another entry. Thanks again for your insights. - Paul has the flu. Due to the same shortages everyone else in the blog world has chronicled exhaustively, Ben and Charlie won't get their flu shots until Friday. Just to be safe, I am keeping Paul quarantined in a refrigerator box. I pass him soup through the air holes I poked in it. (Note to self: Next time poke holes before inserting husband. The flu won't kill him but the ice pick may have.)
- Can anyone recommend a babysitter in Alexandria/Pineville, Louisiana? I'm visiting soon and need someone reputable to leave my children with so my mother and I can go gamble. ...WHAT. Oh, like you don't leave your kids with strangers so you can play the nickel slots.
- Do y'all know I read trashy romances? Have I just made you uncomfortable with that admission? I know I've written at great length here about my own alabaster bosom; my slick, tight sheath; and my swollen bud shyly nestled among the rosy petals of my...
Wait, I haven't done the bud yet? Why, my Photoshop throbs at the very idea.
Anyway, I read trashy romances, and I do so avidly. I read many other things, too, but I enjoy penis-awfuls — I think I just coined that term — unabashedly. I'm often appalled, though, by the way they always end: either the heroine is pregnant or, in an epilogue, she's dandling young Dukeling Goldenheir on her muslin-covered knee while her besotted husband is playing the Wii with their comely twin daughters. I exaggerate only a bit; there's an annoying trend in novels I've read lately for the hero and heroine to be involved with their children to the point of anachronism. ("The baroness insisted on suckling her own children, even though it outraged her martinet mother-in-law, who was often heard to mutter darkly that if Old Drinky Nell had been a good enough wet nurse for her brace of seven sons, why, then, she was sure she just didn't know what...! Lady Comelybosom met these sotto voce asides with a wordless smile. On this night, perched on the edge of a gilt chair in her home's commodious ballroom, she nodded to an acquantaince among the crush, then edged her fichu downward, the better to receive the questing cherubic mouth of her latest babe. As she felt her milk let down, she gave the signal to the musicians, who opened the ball with a sprightly reel.")
But that is tangential. What I wanted to say was that I was delighted to see a blog I read, Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, take on the question of the traditional romance-novel HEA — happily ever after — as it pertains to infertiles. If you share my weakness fondness for romances and you're looking for recommendations for books that don't hinge on Lord Darkshaft and Lady Dampening eventually procreating, check out the comments on this post. And if you know of any such stories, please do weigh in and HABO, as the bloggers say: Help a Bitch Out.
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I feel for you -- we moved to a singularly unfriendly town a couple of years ago and have had the experience of invited guests not showing up, after we put in a ton of effort, more times than I care to remember. WTH is wrong with people? If you accept an invitation, unless you've got a really good excuse, you show up. And if you DO have a really good excuse, you communicate it (either before or as soon as possible after the fact) and apologize. A reciprocal invitation to "make it up" is a nice touch as well.
I suspect you must have read the writer's guidelines.
No fondness, in fact i am faintly horrified by this whole topic... i sometimes think there are entire series devoted to babies/babymaking/etc, the titles alone should make anyone cringe. If you really MUST read this-- and seriously, must you?-- i would suggest tracking down vintage titles from like, the 80's. I read these in high school and babies were just not on Harlequin's radar. Not like now-- "The Texas Tycoon's Christmas Baby"? i am going to barf now.
May i suggest Alice Munro's new collection, "My Best Stories"? Just a thought. :)
I don't live in Pineville/Alexandria, but I do live in Shreveport and am willing to watch your children if it's convenient driving-wise. I'm actually a nanny and former teacher, so I have lots of experience with children. Email me you are interested.
I grew up in Alex and my mom still lives there (actually in Pineville). I know several people I would recommend as sitters and I'm sure my mom could come up with a few more. In fact, I need to find one there too for our next visit ( I have an 8 month old). Email me if you want and I'll try to help you set something up.
Alexandria is a bit of a drive for me but if you want a night out on Bourbon Street, I'm your girl. I'll even provide playmates.
OMG, could you write a penis-awful? Please? Because I feel it would be hilarious and worth reading...if only for the names. Please, again?
Yeah, at some point I'm going to have to socialize with other mothers. Fortunately, I work with a couple guys who have really nice wives with kids my daughters age. If not for them, I think we'd be completely screwed. Can't wait to hear your thoughts on the matter.
Hope your husband can get out of the box soon - like before the puncture wounds get gangrene.
Crap. That's "daughter's"
As the mother of a kindergartener, I have found that the mommy-networking nightmare gets one whole hell of a lot easier once they reach K as opposed to preschool/daycare. The whole scene is a lot more structured and organized, and opportunities to meet other parents (PTA! Extracurriculars! School fundraisers! etc.) occur with much greater frequency. Plus, as was remarked on your last post, in many schools the tendency is for kids to invite the entire class to birthday parties etc., which is another chance to get to know other parents.
You may find that reassuring or horrifying -- not sure -- but I thought I'd throw it out there :)
Am in my first house in first marriage, age 56. Everyone is retired or SAHM soccer mom (mainLinePhiladelphia and we are talking Matthewe Weiner's misinterpretation on MadMen of Prussia or some place like that'). My neighorhood this year was filled with INFLATABLES for Halloween. Pooh and Snoopy and... crap, low denominator just short of "Halloween is a Satanic ritual"... retch. I have never lived in a neighborhood since the late 1950s. I don't want to go out on "Ladies Night Nail Night or 'Make a Bead Necklace Night' Out." I have a career and I love it. But.... I have three tween stepchildren, and for their sakes I would like not to be the vampire at the end of the cul de sac. I turned my porch into a scary forest, with a talking skeleton. The kids said, "Awesome decorations, lady." The adults won't even acknowledge it. And they let their dogs pee and poop on my mailbox post and flowers. Sorry, I don't know what to say. A lot of people out there -- sorry, specifically, a lot of mommies out there are low common denominator pumpkin heads.
I've had a terrible time making Mommy Friends, which is odd, because I tend to make friends easily. Maybe I need to lay off the crack before I drop my kids off at school. Hm. Worth a thought.
Penisawful indeed! I think you are on to a new genre or at least a wonderful parody. When I was visiting/ gambling in Las Vegas, the casino (The Pa*ms) had a day care center in the casino! Complete with slushy machine! Only $8 a hour! You may want to inquire with your said casino.
Julie, I would totally have come to your Halloween party. Besides having no manners, the people you invited who didn't show up have NO IDEA what they are missing.
Sorry about the Halloween party.
An OMG moment...I love, love, love Smart Bitches, Trashy Books! I had no clue you liked romances or that blog. Too cool.
I think I've read that romance you quote! It was by Sally MacKenzie. (shudder)
Are penis-awfuls the same as penis-dreadfuls?
I can't do that mommy-networking thing either and as a consequence never throw any kids' parties. (Which I'm happy about, but don't tell my kid he is missing out on getting a sugarhigh, overstimulated and cranky just cuz it's like his birthday or something).
As for your Oscarian love of trash -- thank you for sharing that cool website, smart bitches... I'll have to check out some of those reads.
I'd like to plug these HISTORICAL trashy lurve novels written by a former fellow ex-pat: "Tuscany," "The Lion of Venice," "Maiden of Fire," "The Maltese Star," all by (nom de plume) Deborah Johns.
You get your penis-awful AND a historically accurate yarn at the same time! it's like letting your left and right brain have an orgy!
I love you even more now ... I am definitely a smart bitch who loves trashy writing. My whole family makes fun of me for it and it took me a good six years to get my husband to stop advocating for culling the herd (of manroot waving stallions) AKA the six foot bookshelf of nothing but romance novels
after our last fiasco, i mean party (actually, it was a barbecue), where there was a hurricane, and one person showed up, we started doing invites through evite - seems silly, but works. even for kids' parties, we demand rsvps by a certain date, now, and call to follow up with people we haven't heard from (we blame the need to know on the place we're getting the cake from, or someone else other than us, if we can), after the year we invited all the girls in my daughter's class to her birthday, many failed to show, most failed to respond, and several brought uninvited guests of varying ages. it was particularly confusing since a lot of them didn't speak english (and since we had planned games for kids of a certain age, plus we couldn't even call everyone because a lot of the numbers were disconnected), and, where i live, i do in fact think some of what happened was differing cultural expectations about what a child's birthday party is - so have clarified that in the invites now, too, specifying whether party is just for kids or also for adults, siblings, cousins, etc., plus just loosened up on our own expectations (tough for me, because flexibility is not my strong suit, but i'm working on it). for the record, I would have come to your party...and now you wouldn't have all that nice wine!
Hum. Around here we call them pot-boilers.
You're right. The important thing is that the kids had fun. And yes, it is all about mommy networking. Which is tough because I'm super shy, a total introvert. My husband is an extrovert and can easily talk to people, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. For some reason it has to be the mommy. So the only children that come to our parties are the ones of the small handful of mommies that I've managed to forge a relationship over the last four years. Unfortunately, I have not made any friends for my toddler yet.
Also, I too love trashy romance novels. Julia Quinn and Johanna Lindsey are favorites. And yes it is annoying that all these stories must end with a HEA, and children, and a besotted husband.
Read erotica instead. All the "good stuff", no babies.
I used to be an avid fan of the genre (ah, the secrets we keep) but either the writing has declined or I've exhausted my tolerance for the genre, because I've had trouble finding anything good in a long time. Harlequin used to be reliable, and now I can't seem to find anything but dreck.
I think you stole your entire demonstration of the prose from "The Secret History of the Pink Carnation," btw. Which was good, but more than I wanted to spend on that type of book.
I'm going to check out those posts, although I can't HABO, because one of the troubles I've had with all the penis-awfuls I've chosen is precisely the "now we close with Madonna and child, and afterward Madonna will have Hawt Sex" endings.
I worked with books for 6 years. They are an intense love of my life. Unfortunately, my weak point in knowledge is the trashy romance. The HEA annoys me to the point of wanting to hurt books, so I try to stay away, mostly. When I've ventured in it's been through the door of my own trashy love - horror (and oh my, it's trashy). Laurell K Hamilton's Anita Blake series is a horror/ mystery/ romance that got very weak for a while while Ms. Hamilton was going through a divorce, but it's finding it's feet again and is worth reading again, as long as you don't mind an awful lot of random sex everywhere. Her other series, the Merry Gentry series, started out fully trashy with tons of sex, because, the lead character lives in an alternate reality where Faerie is real, she is a princess (of course) and... they don't conceive easily. She has to have an heir to assume the throne. There is no HEA in either of these series (at least, so far). There is a metric ton of trashiness.
Mommy networking? Blerg. Yup. I have a tough time of this so far and have gone to efforts to network amongst the people I can stand who have already had children or who have friends who've had children.
Nevertheless, I know the time is going to come when my kids might suffer for party invitations or playdates because their mommy isn't like the other mommies (Billy isn't like the other boys...). I have weird hair, I have a nose ring, I like big words, science and books (oh, and I'm older, approaching 40). All of this in the wilds of the northern suburbs of Atlanta, where normal is praised. Where there aren't precisely WASPs, but their southern brethren, the WASBs. I do what I can to ameliorate the problem with my fellow weird mommies. This works okay for now, while the kids are still young (a year old), but once they hit school years I wonder how much I'm going to have to work at fitting in to keep my kids from being ostracized...
I would hate uninvited Guests and tell them sorry but only got enougth food in for the people that i invited !
Last year we had just moved here, and I invited my daughter's whole class AND the moms/kids in a playgroup I had just joined. Two people showed up, and one was really late. And now we are moving again, the day after her birthday party. The pressure is on. I can't fail two years in a row, right? Right? Sigh.
I won a box full of trashy romance novels at a church's penny auction once when I was 15. There's a lot wrong with that statement.
The Mommy network. I'm a sorry example. I just have no desire for playdates/wee parties. I go/take the kids to the events we RSVP'd to but seldom ever create my own. My son turns 3 this week. Do you think I've even considered a party for him?
Well no, because the way I see it - it'll be couple of years before he catches on. And then, heaven help me, Chuck E. Cheese it is. Even if no one shows up - he have at the games and still think he had a great time.
I don't know how other Mommies do it.
You have really got to start warning people. I nearly ruined my laptop. :) All that throbbing, pulsating, and opening flowers...hilarious. Sorry you have the flu at your house. That right there is the reason for your poor party attendance. There is a lot of H1N1 going around my part of the woods, and not vaccine to be had. I won't be attending any kid parties with my brood until we can get them vaccinated.
I don't understand the hulabalu about romance novels ending with children. Considering that most of them take place in time prior to reliable birth control, it is a totally expected consequence of all that wanton thrusting of pulsating manroot and shooting of hot manseed into women's aching voids of need. Of course it is foolish to expect any kind of historical accuracy from these romance novels, but it is accurate for most of the women to get knocked up. Even if the results in real life would be more Tess of the D'urbervilles or Les Miserables and a lot less happily ever after.
I love a trashy book - am going through a Nora Roberts phase at the moment (although she has an irritating tendency to wrap everything up in the final paragraph with a proposal and the loving couple's agreement to have 14 kids).
I like a bonkbuster best though - you can't beat vintage Jilly Cooper and Jackie Collins - anything that has a plotline along the lines of "Krystal Bitchfinger was a ballbreaking supermodel businesswoman millionaire who thought she had every thing except love, until she met her match, Dirk Studmeister III...". Bliss!
OMG, two of my favorite blogs! A Little Pregnant and SBTN: two great tastes that go great together!
I'm sorry about your halloween party, and I don't have any advice except that I once threw a birthday party that no one came to, and my mother took me out for Denny's and a midnight showing of some movie or another, and I cried in my Denny's nachos and the waitress looked very put-upon.
Sorry about the party not working out as envisioned and the hubby having the flu!
I love trashy romances! And I think you mean to call them penis-wonderfuls! Hehe.
I actually read one romance novel in which the heroine had a miscarriage, which I thought was novel (pun intended). However, how she "recovered" from it with her husband was so absolutely ridiculous that I found it insulting and will never read another of that author's books again. So much for dealing with real fertility issues in a romance novel.
Mommy networking? Puke and more puke. I wouldn't play this game at all, whatsoever. I was totally hated in my suburban neighborhood. I refused to become the annoying Mommy that had to fit a certain mold and 'fit in' with the other moms. I found real friends and my kids hung with them. Yeah, we didn't have the best parties in the class that all the popular kids came to. But that stuff is bullshit anyway. We taught our kids early - there are far worse things in life than being a misfit nerd.
I'd babysit for you but a.) I don't live in Louisiana and b.) I'm going to have to get a full-time job now to buy a new computer since I ruined mine snarfing my coffee all over it reading this post. For future reference, "dandling young Dukeling Goldenheir" was what did it.
I'm sorry about your party-- we threw one of those before kids. Actually, it was a Halloween party too. And we've never had a Halloween party since. I still get the shivers.
I share your love of trash, and being not only childless but also nearly 40 (gah!) and never-married, I find myself enjoying the usual heroine-her-20's-marries-hunk-has-babies happy ending to be much less satisfying than it was 20 years ago.
Though I enjoy the historical stuff, I've lately enjoyed Jennifer Crusie. Her protagonists are usually never-married or divorced women in their late 30's, and I can't remember a single one where getting knocked up (or even hoping to) was even mentioned.
Thanks for the tip on the trashy books, smart women blog!
ugh. i'm sorry about your party. i don't even have children, and the 'mommy networking' is filling me with dread already.
i totally went through a trashy novel phase. was a judith krantz fan for a couple of years.
Can you get a different husband? I make mine do all the networking, and he's quite efficient. Also he didn't get the flu when we did.
I'm sure you're hip to the site already, but we had good luck with SitterCity.com for finding babysitters in a specific area. There's a small fee ($10?) to join, but you can see pictures, read references, and select from a pool of applicants.
Hate mommy networking. Hate it. Shelley's comment (above) about it all getting easier in kindergarten and beyond is what I've been clinging to lo these many months.
Two thoughts: While I am in the wild minority of people here, I just want to say "mommy networking" can be a good & joyful thing. You get some cohorts to bounce around issues like sleeping, thumb-sucking, bashing-on-heads, etc., and your little people get a nice social life. Not sure why the intense loathing: yes, it will take more than one blind-date to find your peeps, but it is lovely when you do.
Second, one other issue might be that some of parents whose trees up which you bark (good grief, that was awkward not to end in a preposistion!) might have OLDER kids than yours. I found I was miffed/hurt/confused when my fab toddler party got blown off, but now that the toddler/preschooler is my youngest, that cute H'ween/Turkey Day/V-day celebration has to face off against other people's sports games, piano recitals, school fair, etc. Guess who gets dragged where?
I think the whole end-with-children thing is the influence of the uber-christians. Let's face it, the only reason to get married is to have kids! Right? Srsly. At least, that's what I learned as a senior in my all-girl catholic school, where our 4th year of religion was a class titled "Adult Spirituality and Family Life". And no, I'm not Catholic. Interesting times, all around.
I think this is something that crosses over religious faiths, though, and I also think that it's a sign of the times that the writers either *think* this is what their readers want to hear or this is what they themselves think would make a good story.
As for the mommy stuff... We moved 2 weeks after The Nut was born by planned c-section. the firts playgroup I went to? Yeah... i was informed i couldn't bond with my son because i had a c-s, i only thought it was medically necessary (damn those CT scans!), etc. Wish I could have had the guts to just say screw it an move on... but I didn't and have had 2 years of second-guessing and anxiety as a result. While it made some things easier (finding doc recommendations, etc.), i am really not sure it was worth it. But Nut loves his little friends now, and I feel stuck. And he's only 2. Working on weaning us both from this, slowly, and finding new networks. I guess I am writing this to you because I think that a) networking is important but b) picking up the hot moms is up to you (define hotness according to taste. For me it's a dose of common sense and dark humor).
I would like to read trashy novels. However, when I've tried to broaden my horizons and picked up a book at the library or store, they have been awful.
No one I know reads them, or in anycase will not admit to reading them. When I've requested escapism fare in the past, I've gotten a lot of recommendations for what is known as "chick lit." A few have been good, most have not.
Any favorites you can share with an aspiring trashy novel reader? Are any of the books in the comments sections ones you've read and liked?
I moved here two years ago and what with part-time working from home, a second pregnancy (I am lucky, no issues around that, but I was very garden-variety sick), and overwhelming social paralysis, I find it so hard to make and see friends. It happens, but very slowly. It bothers me, a lot, but all I can do is keep on reaching out and working on it, I guess.
I nearly fell off my fainting couch when I saw that Smart Bitches was mentioned HERE. Julie, you're one of MY favorite blogs and have been for awhile. So WHOA. And thank you.
Next time you throw a Halloween party let me know - I'll come as FABIO. Promise. And I'll bring good wine. AND I'll RSVP. What the hell is up with people not responding anymore, anyway?!
The concept of how one comes to be a member of a "play group" or network with other parents is so mystifying to me--everyone seems to already belong or know what to do, and I'm like "was I, like, supposed to fill out a form or something? check a box?" I have an 8 month old and my existing friends' children are all a number of years older...I'm more like an occasional mentee than a peer. Sigh. I have no idea how to find new parent friends but I'm desperate for a cohort.
On the lines of the romance novels and their BFing politics, I'm in the middle of the most recent season of Weeds and it's interesting how many visual cues in the mise-en-scene scream SHE'S BREASTFEEDING! while they never actually show her feeding the baby. And it's not like the show has any discernible limits or makes any attempts at modesty.
Sorry about the party, but it is probably a case of socializing, and no offense, but you picked a major kid holiday and you were a bit late (by your own description) in inviting people. It's just one of those things.
When my daughter was an infant I never had the playgroup over because I was too intimidated. I thought my house wasn't nice enough, my snacks wouldn't measure up, basically I thought I was a social failure even though I am extremely outgoing and can talk to a wall. I finally figured out that I wasn't going to make friends that way (we live abroad) so I forced myself to extend invitations to my home. Now we have to limit our guest list because our invitations are rarely turned down. Not to say you have to become the social butterfly of your town, but you can become something in between.
Just wait until your children's friends are old enough to dial the phone, wait for the beep and read from a script.
"Hi! This is _____. I would like a playdate? Either today? Or at some point in the future!
Thank you? Good bye!"
Inviting people who then fail to show up is possibly only topped by people who INVITE THEMSELVES and then fail to show up.
Do I HAVE to mommy network? I have these anxiety issues just at the thought.
I keep trying to reassure myself that plenty of kids have grown up happy and healthy with limited socialization at a very young age with other children. I think my 2 year old has had two playdates in his life. But he's happy! And apparently uninterested in other children, judging from his behavior at Gymboree...
I'll read anything. In fact I have to read, if I don't have something to read something snaps inside of me and I feel odd all day. I can't sleep without reading something and often have my iPhone kindle ap in hand at any spare moment possible. Actually blogs are a way of saving money, lol, I find a mommy blog I like and go all the way back to the start of it, and am generally occupied for a few days.
That being said I'm a big fan of Nora Roberts/ jd Robb. There's always a new book out so I never run out of things to read, you know if you can start reading the same three stereotypical women inserted in some random adventure with the same three stereotypical men who all have different names.
I like the in death series better but I'm with you on the pregnancy thing, every romance book ends with a baby and it's sort of a cop out really. Why does baby always equal end of book? Are they trying to say there is no life after baby? (because if there is another book t will star the grown up baby who will then have a storybook ending of her own with a baby) and isn't it strange that not one of these independant, spirited women have decided they don't want kids?
I love kids, got one of my own, but children don't belong in romance novels (except dime store magic by Kelley Armstrong, Savannah is kind of awesome)
end babble
I'll read anything. In fact I have to read, if I don't have something to read something snaps inside of me and I feel odd all day. I can't sleep without reading something and often have my iPhone kindle ap in hand at any spare moment possible. Actually blogs are a way of saving money, lol, I find a mommy blog I like and go all the way back to the start of it, and am generally occupied for a few days.
That being said I'm a big fan of Nora Roberts/ jd Robb. There's always a new book out so I never run out of things to read, you know if you can start reading the same three stereotypical women inserted in some random adventure with the same three stereotypical men who all have different names.
I like the in death series better but I'm with you on the pregnancy thing, every romance book ends with a baby and it's sort of a cop out really. Why does baby always equal end of book? Are they trying to say there is no life after baby? (because if there is another book t will star the grown up baby who will then have a storybook ending of her own with a baby) and isn't it strange that not one of these independant, spirited women have decided they don't want kids?
I love kids, got one of my own, but children don't belong in romance novels (except dime store magic by Kelley Armstrong, Savannah is kind of awesome)
end babble
Oh dear god, so much in this quickie to choose from, but I'm going to go with a quickie myself: I love how you've moved from leaving your children with a caregiver you've never met but had recommended (if memory serves) from an IRL friend, to going with someone identified by the internets. No, really (no, really, really. Oh, darnit, where's Slim?).
I know it's not hot steamy sex but Janet Evanovich will make you pee your I've had 2 kids and now have the bladder of a gnat pants. And I know there's only 15 of them (or so) but they're fanfreakingtastic.
Sorry about the Halloween fiasco. My freaking brother lives about 30 minutes from us and still can't remember when my son's b-day is nor if he's to bring himself and my niece. I try and take pity on him..he is a male and all.