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02/04/2010
Carrier smidgen
OkaybutsoIwas downtown a couple of days ago with Ben, leaving the library after story time. I stopped outside to get him into the Ergo carrier, a maneuver which, when performed solo, can, I admit, look alarming — like, drop-your-baby-on-his-head-on-the-cold-unforgiving-cobblestones alarming. But it looks much more difficult than it is. It's one I've done a thousand times, and one Ben is used to. He can even help by holding his body steady, offering me his foot, or obligingly going all Möbius, just as the situation warrants.
That is all a long way of saying we got this, Ben and I.
So there we were, getting him holstered up on my back. This is a move that entails putting one strap of the carrier over your shoulder, mounting the baby on your hip, threading one of his feet under that shoulder strap, oooooching him under your arm and around to your back, bringing the body of the carrier up under and over the baby's bottom and back, and finally bringing up the other shoulder strap. In the commission of this act, the adult is bending over, dislocating any shoulder that's fool enough to get in the way, getting all yogini with it, and enjoying a rich chuckle at all the well-meaning squares shouting, "Oh, my God, stop! That baby came with a spine!"
This move, spectacular in the absolute sense but not at all noteworthy in the relative sense given the population of our town, was made somewat more finicky that morning by the snow boots Ben was wearing, and I'm sure the way he was mounted — suspended out from my body, a placid human cantilever — looked odd to the uninitiated passerby.
One of these passersby stopped directly behind me. Bent over as I was, I could see his feet. He was right there, y'all, about six inches on the wrong side of the steal-your-wallet radius. Closer. It was really more like get-into-my-panel-van-and-help-me-find-my-puppy territory.
I wasn't exactly worried, because it was broad daylight in front of the children's library and we babywearing breastfeeding cosleeping types have got each other's tattooed yoga'd backs. But it was still too close, especially when I perceived that the owner of the feet was...helping.
Thinking we were having trouble, he was trying to get Ben into the carrier. "I'll just..." he said, and stuffed Ben's booted foot wherever he saw a hole. Naturally, Ben protested; not only was his leg being jammed where it didn't belong, and where it probably hurt to go, it was being jammed there by someone he didn't know who was more than a little too close.
So Ben was freaking out, I was saying, "No, really, thanks, but we got it," and this guy, whose face I still hadn't seen, was continuing to help. I managed, with some difficulty, to stabilize Ben enough in the carrier that I could turn and face my volunteer assistant, who turned out to be an older man, grinning, pleased with himself. Like, Think nothing of it, screaming child and pissed-off lady! All in a day's work!
And I was pissed, so I...thanked him. And waited until he'd walked away, then took poor pretzeled Ben off my back entirely to comfort him. And I shoved the Ergo in my bag, and I let Ben walk instead.
I'm still thinking about it two days later. When a stranger moved in to handle my kid, I didn't tell him to stop. And I don't know if I didn't because I knew he was trying to help and felt I should be grateful, at least, for his impulse, and polite, or if I wussed out, plain and simple. I can't explain it. I also can't quite imagine how I'd have handled it if the feet behind me had belonged to a woman, but then that might have been a different proposition entirely. "A woman," Paul suggested, "would have asked if you needed help. And would probably have known where his feet belonged." A fair probability where we live.
I don't really have a point here except to say that if someone appears to be struggling to force her child into a precarious position, twisting his spinal column into a stout and useful midshipman's hitch, and endangering the integrity of his all-too-fragile skull, and you feel like getting hands-on know-nothing helpy, oh, my God, just don't. Or at the very least, ask first. Because if you just amble up and try to shove a kid's foot where it doesn't belong, a less polite person — or a much better parent — than I might just cram hers where, trust me, you don't want it.
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Word. Why not just ask if a person needs help. I'm not above asking for help when I need it, but I really don't like unsolicited touching of any kind.
I hoisted my kid onto my back in the Ergo to vacuum last night. It really does look harder than it is.
This is kinda different, but I also have a hard time telling people to stop, or to do things differently, or whatever. Like, I pay a woman to clean my house, but rather than tell her when she is doing something wrong, I just add that thing to my list of things I'll just do over after she leaves.... Not the greatest system.
A woman would also have listened to you when you said you didn't need help.
I used to have a hard time telling people not to touch my babies. I always thought that it would be rude, but then Monkey had a liver transplant at 5 1/2 months. After that, frankly, I didn't care if it was rude. Don't touch my child without my permission. Even if you are trying to help. Ask first. Is it so hard people?
I know this isn't really the same thing - people physically touching your child without asking vs. just offering unsolicited advice, but still.
When I had my daughter at 21, her father was gone due to military training, and my fingers were far too swollen to wear a ring just yet. My mother and I went into a department store and while she tried on clothes, I hung outside playing with my newly 5 day old baby. An older woman walked by, glanced at she and I (read: she glanced at me and then my ringless hand meaningfully) and suggested, "Don't you think it's a little cold in here for that baby?"
I assured her that no, my daughter was just fine, and she walked away with her nose up in the air only to walk by again five minutes later to add, "You're a very young new mother, so I just feel like it's my duty to tell you that a baby that little really /should/ be wearing something warmer in here."
Busy turning bright red, I was too beside myself to say anything in our defense. Thankfully, my mother (who was an unwed mom at 18 and has Been There) came out of the dressing room this time to hear it all. She more than made up for the words I couldn't quite get out. :)
I used to love (can you hear the dripping sarcasm) all those (not so) well-meaning people who would take one look at my newborn fast asleep in the sling and start trying to poke and prod him "because he must be terribly uncomfortable all smushed up like that" or "he can't possibly breathe in there". Yeah, they could tell by the way he was sleeping, if he were actually comfortable he'd probably be screaming his head off, right, unless of course I'd already accidentally suffocated him.
He's turning nine (years, not months) next week and it still ticks me off when I think about it.
You shoulda screamed "Police! Help! Leave us alone!"
I agree the person should have asked if you needed help, and also from a respectful distance. I disagree with the sense I get from many of the comments that people should simply be left alone without being given an offer of help. I have offered to help people who appeared to be struggling like this from time to time, and in about 75% of cases they actually do appreciate and need the help. And I have to disagree with the 'a woman would have listened to you' statement. When I was home with my son for his first year, I would invariably be given unneeded advice and assistance by many people, but especially women, who felt I couldn't know what I was doing and simply would not listen when I said no thank you.
Yep, the people trying to 'help' put the toddler in the Ergo, who didn't have a clue what I was doing, and had no idea where the kid's feet went. Used to happen to me at least once a month.
Seriously... I would have totally asked, and if I was told no, the *worst* I would do would be to stay a little nearby in case I thought I'd need to "catch" a falling baby or something. And then, when I didn't have to catch a falling baby would have totally complimented the woman and commented her on how well she handles the weirdness mothering presents.
I would have reacted the same way as you. I'm to polite for my, and my childrens', sake.
A person can never go wrong by ASKING someone if they need help first...
Ugh the strangers touching kids thing...I'm too polite but my husband has zero tolerance and, fortunately, so does my son now that he's 4. My husband has threatened people with bodily harm in grocery stores.
Umm... About the Ergo...? I have one (it was a Christmas gift) and while I think I have mostly mastered the back carry--kid is only 7 mos and 18 lbs, so he's still mostly manageable--I CANNOT FORCE MY SHOULDERS OUT OF JOINT in order to reach back and fasten the clip thingy across my shoulder blades when I try for the front carry.
So, not to derail here--because being a good Southern girl I'd probably have done the same exact thing you did and fumed about it post facto--but doe any you Ergo experts have any tips on how the hell I'm supposed to bend in such a way that I can connect those pieces? I'm feeling frustrated by the Ergo.
Slightly off topic, but just started using the Ergo with 21 mos old wiggler...and its harder than I expected! Am I do it wrong?
Help!
Uggg. He is a man and men like to fix things. It's the main problem in my marriage, in my relationship with my father, with all men in general ... they want to "fix it" - whatever it is! - and we don't need them to! He probably expected praise for it, too!
I have this experience weekly.
Lindy, loosen the straps waaaaay loose before you put the baby in. Then fasten the back clip easily up by the back of your head instead of by your shoulder blades. Then pull the straps tight again under your armpits.
Dude I would have freaked out and been all leave my baby alone
Y'all need to lighten up. The guy was just trying to help. I wish more people were like that.
Robin from Isreal, it's interesting the different reactions people have about slings. Maybe it's because slings were seen as much 9 yrs ago, but all the comments I've had with my baby in the sling have been positive. The only baffling comments have been, "My baby was too big to be carried like that." Huh?
If it's any consolation... I think you were right not to go smooth off on grandpa for trying to help. It might have been the thrill of his day--. And, you know, we can't have the whole "It takes a village" philosophy whereby we expect people to care about public education and health care and whether the kids of strangers are getting good nutrition and at the same time have a "shut up and back the hell away from my kid, he doesn't need the village right now" philosophy.
Ideally, everyone in society would have a benevolent interest in every child's (person's!) well-being but would never, somehow, cross our boundaries verbally or physically in the attempt to match words and deeds. So, this guy erred, clearly, but on the side of good. And since I imagine that my immediate response to this situation would have been one of frothy anger and mounting frustration, I doubt I would have accomplished anything by correcting him other than discouraging him from ever helping any mother or kid anywhere ever again.
Now if you were that rare person who --in the moment-- could both sincerely thank someone for their intentions while gently but firmly correcting their technique, then bless you, but you're not me. I'd have reacted too harshly and then spent the rest of the day feeling more like a puppy-kicker than a righteous avenger.
So in this case, I really do think that you can chalk up your response as having done a good thing in a difficult situation. You and Ben took one for the team of Man's Humanity to Man.
As for the judgmental person who makes a snarky comment about one's parenting skills because one's child is not wrapped up in a down-lined sealskin in an air-conditioned room, well... let's just say that certain representatives of the village deserve to learn the hard way. Glad the grandma laid down the smack in a timely manner.
If it's any consolation... I think you were right not to go smooth off on grandpa for trying to help. It might have been the thrill of his day--. And, you know, we can't have the whole "It takes a village" philosophy whereby we expect people to care about public education and health care and whether the kids of strangers are getting good nutrition and at the same time have a "shut up and back the hell away from my kid, he doesn't need the village right now" philosophy.
Ideally, everyone in society would have a benevolent interest in every child's (person's!) well-being but would never, somehow, cross our boundaries verbally or physically in the attempt to match words and deeds. So, this guy erred, clearly, but on the side of good. And since I imagine that my immediate response to this situation would have been one of frothy anger and mounting frustration, I doubt I would have accomplished anything by correcting him other than discouraging him from ever helping any mother or kid anywhere ever again.
Now if you were that rare person who --in the moment-- could both sincerely thank someone for their intentions while gently but firmly correcting their technique, then bless you, but you're not me. I'd have reacted too harshly and then spent the rest of the day feeling more like a puppy-kicker than a righteous avenger.
So in this case, I really do think that you can chalk up your response as having done a good thing in a difficult situation. You and Ben took one for the team of Man's Humanity to Man.
As for the judgmental person who makes a snarky comment about one's parenting skills because one's child is not wrapped up in a down-lined sealskin in an air-conditioned room, well... let's just say that certain representatives of the village deserve to learn the hard way. Glad the grandma laid down the smack in a timely manner.
Melanie, practice, practice, practice. I actually have only gotten my baby in the back carry alone at home. So I usually do it with my back to the couch or bed just in case. But after using doing it several times alone, I was surpised at how easy I got her on last night. I think I finally got the hang of it.
It has also gotten easier as she's gotten older. She was 6 months and about 12 lbls, still learing to sit up when I bought it. Now that she is 10 monts and almost 18 lbls, it's easier because she is more steady.
Julie, I'm glad you posted about this. Your tweet about it had me intruiged. I wear my big toddler in one fairly often and get at least one comment every single time. And I live in an area where it shouldn't be a shock to see a kid being worn too.
And like other pp, I too got comments about smothering him or him being uncomfortable when being worn as an infant in the moby. Um, have those people never thought about the crazy weird cramped corners babies find themselves when on the inside? It really isn't that different, and yes I did it on purpose.
Good luck Julie on reconciling your inner rage at someone touching and getting your nerve up to say something to the offender. It's so hard sometimes to say what you really want to without feeling mean.
Hmm... wrangling the kid into the Ergo, for me, takes both hands and enough concentration that if someone were standing behind me, "helping," I'd be too focused on getting the kid safely on my back to come up with a polite refusal. Or a refusal of any sort. I can't speak at all when I've got one hand behind my back and the other shoulder twisted up and the kid balanced on my elbow and half of one hip.
I was SO PROUD the first time I got Bel into the Ergo (on my back) in the parking lot at Target. It was summer, and hot, and she was sleepy or asleep, and I did it! And now she's too big, I think - 28lbs - and wants to walk anyway. Makes me sad that my baby-wearing days are over. I loved carrying her that way.
I only carried my oldest in a sling/baby carrier, since my youngest was 13 months when she came home. I honestly don't know if it's just that they have made the slings/baby carriers so much better, or what, but I could only use the sling for about the first 4 months with Mack before she started putting my back out all the time. I guess she did weigh nearly 25 pounds by the time she was 5 months old (a fatty), so that could have been part of the problem...or they have changed dramatically in the last 18 years. Probably some of both. I still wouldn't have liked it if someone was touching me or my kid.
I remember flipping out when I was pregnant with Mackenzie, because I couldn't stand random strangers coming up and touching me on my belly. That's my belly, dammit!
If you don't already have a copy of "The Gift Of Fear" by Gavin deBecker, get ye one.
To me, things like that are a vaccine - your body will know how to react next time you encounter something like that.
One breezy California November day, I was standing around the DMV with my barefoot 18 month old kid, who was sitting in a stroller. (She hated shoes and socks and would pull them off).
An older gentleman reached over, pinched her naked toe, and said, "get your mom to buy a pair of socks on me kid!" and handed her a dollar.
Of course, she promptly crammed the dollar in her mouth. Ughhhh! Yech! I thanked the guy anyway!
Always wanted to go back in time and stuff a baby sock where the sun didn't shine on that guy, tho.
I don't like it AT ALL when people touch my baby without permission. Not acceptable.
What is it with old ladies scolding you to put a hat on your kid? I just have to ask. I get this in summer.
But Julie, you have a far better reaction to "help" than I. I have the opposite reaction. The manager who tried to "help" my very capable toddler who was "trying to poke her eye out" in the teacher store (that's according to the manager) with an UNSHARPENED pencil... the manager who kept trying to "help" after I reassured her that my daughter was totally fine with that UNSHARPENED pencil... the manager who then said, "I couldn't live with myself if she poked her eye out with that thing, I care about what happens to her!"...
Wow, did SHE get a loud earful from me in front of the entire store. To my credit, I did not use any swear words.
When we went on a trip a few months ago, I had just gotten off the plane, and I was getting my daughter suited up in the Ergo, while my husband attended to putting our son in the stroller. Since she was only 4.5 months at the time, I was putting her in front and there was a woman standing next to me assisting someone with special needs. She turned to me, and asked me if I wanted her to HOLD MY BABY. Yes, just let me hand her over to a perfect stranger. I love doing that. Luckily, she immediately realized what she said, and was like, "yeah, you probably don't, do you?"
Ding ding ding! Tell 'er what she's won, Bob...
While I agree that you did the right thing not going off on the "helpful" guy, I have major issues with strangers touching my children and "trying" to help me. When my daughter was an infant in a seat on the grocery cart (which I know you aren't supposed to do, but it just fits there so nicely) people would always come up and touch her and finally I had had it one day and I said, "Don't touch my baby." And the woman was all offended by it like I had called her a name - I'm the parent - don't touch my kid. Again, with my daughter we had another issue where a lady who I didn't know was trying to "comfort" my daughter in the mall playground area. I called her out for touching my child and again I was in the wrong for telling her to keep her hands off my kid.
I do think some people are attempting to be helpful, but when people are touching your child and you aren't comfortable with it, they need to back off.
I'm with treeling, at least on the face of it, though a lot depends on the vibe in a you-had-to-be-there way.
Years ago when I lived in England, I was waiting for a bus back to university. A young mom with her baby in a stroller, also carrying groceries, rolled up. She tried to fold up the stroller while still holding her baby and groceries, and she wasn't doing a very good job at either. I held out my hands, thinking I could hold her groceries, or try and fold the stroller myself. SHE HANDED ME HER BABY! We both stared at each other, confused, until Mom got the stroller sorted and took the baby back. But I guess I have an honest face and she trusted me not to run off with her child! I still shake my head over that one.
Have you ever been on a plane with a screaming kid and hoped and hoped that someone would help you? And then what if someone ACTUALLY did?
As some of your commenters already hit on, the fact is that he was TRYING to be nice. TRYING to be helpful. And unlike some of the other ijits mentioned here, he wasn't judging you. (at least not so you mentioned, did he say anything like what the hell are you thinking woman!).
So I judge on effort and intent. And he gets an A.
And so do you. Because next time he might actually be helping someone who needs it and you ensured that he would still be willing.
Hmm. I guess I'm the odd man out here as I am usually quite grateful/touched when someone tries to help us out, even if they're doing it in a too-familiar manner, or if they're spouting some complete old-school nonsense. The waiter at a Chinese restaurant who scolded us for feeding our eleven-month-old plain rice and brought her some tapioca without our consent was trying to be helpful, even if it was done officiously. The simple fact that strangers are interested in the wellbeing of my kids makes me happy.
Points for intent, I guess, but minus points for not listening to "no thank you" and for freaking out the baby. I think my response would have been less polite, but I would have felt bad later.
Life's too short to be mad at people genuinely trying to help in a non-judgemental fashion. There are plenty of assholes who truly deserve the wrath.
I agree with Julie's basic sentiment; ask before providing help, and accept no for an answer. But I'm also a mom who's pretty calmly handed my baby over to a stranger a number of times ... obviously never in a context where I was afraid said stranger was going to bolt with him, but I would, for example, probably quite happily have accepted the offer of help from the woman-in-airport-assisting-someone-with-special-needs (I did accept such help from a woman seated next to me on an airplane; I love my son dearly, but didn't need to hold him myself for all 6 hours of the flight). I'm not saying that you should adopt my approach, but please don't look askance at those people who offer to help in that way, either -- it's possible the last person they asked the question of was me and that I handed my son over to them with a sigh of relief.
Mandy, it's difficult to bring light to others while being dimissive and critical of them. You might want to try a different tactic.
Fitz-Hume is a fucking *pro* at the Ergo. She can get up on my back with a sippy cup clutched in one hand and can dismount with the speed and agility of a rodeo cowboy going after a calf.
She also went through a (perfectly normal) stage of really REALLY not wanting to be touched by strangers. When she encountered grabby strangers, she tended to fling herself away from them with disturbing speed and complete disregard for her own personal safety. All of her close calls have been triggered by people 'helping.'
To this day I tend to throw her up on my back after moving away from any "helpful" people and have mastered the art of sidestepping, turning around and cheerfully yelling "I'VE GOT HER; SHE'S A PRO, BUT THANK YOU," while bent over and frantically foot-stuffing.
If a child is falling or in clear danger, by all means catch them, but considering that you never really know the temperament or medical conditions of the children of strangers, grabbing kids should be a last resort.
That being said, I have asked for, gratefully received and graciously accepted help with the girls. Strangers have picked up dropped items, re-hatted the girls, snapped the sleeping hood over Fitz-Hume, opened doors while I was struggling, and I swear, I almost offered them oral on the spot, regardless of age, sex, or personal hygiene.
The difference is that these people asked or at least spoke to me before swooping in.
Treeling rocks. You rock Treeling! And others who expressed the same sentiment.
Bea
While I agree that people should ask if you need help before they get into your personal space, I think it's a pretty grim view of humanity to assume that strangers will steal a baby (as some commenters seem to fear) just because the opportunity arises. The odds of your baby getting kidnapped are astronomically low, and they're much more likely to be kidnapped by a family member than by a random stranger. That being said, it really chaps my hide when people offer unsolicited criticism of my parenting skills. I tend to ignore it and go about my business.
Wow, I get such a vicarious thrill reading about parents telling off strangers who touch their kids-- probably because, like Julie, this is hard for me to do. A few weeks ago I was in line at the grocery store with my (admittedly chubby-cheeked) daughter. A guy walked by, touched her cheek and said, "Hey, Chubby!" Jeez. If I had done that to his wife, he would have punched me. Why is that ok to do to a toddler? I just stared at them until they went away...but I'm an elementary school teacher, so I do have the stare thing pretty well down. I don't mind it when people offer help or advice, but I do have a problem with strangers treating my child like an accessory-- something to squeeze or pinch, or in Ben's case, a leg to cram into a hole.
Your write so well that you manage to find drama where there's none. You also somehow know how to tell the story with just the right mixture of ambiguity and inexplicable rage over an incident which is utterly undeserving. Brava! Without a hinge of irony.
On a less stylistic note, I grew up in Eastern Europe and those guys take rather seriously the whole stigmata of "it takes a village" concept to a whole new level. I have been equally grateful and incensed about it, but at the end of the day would always opt for the "engagement" civil approach, as opposed to the culturally PC one. The one, which is often associated with the mindboggling litigious culture prevalent in the US.
Unsolicited helpers unite!
Pesky typos come with the unchartered territory of the first time, eager commenter
Always, always ask before touching someone's child. Always.
Heck, always ask anyway. Years and years ago I had a flat tire on a scorching hot day on the busiest freeway in the state. I can change a tire with my eyes closed thanks to my dad who removed all four of the tires on my car the day I got my driver's license and informed me I was free to go once I got the tires back on. Oh and he'd be taking a nap if I needed anything.
So I'm changing this tire and a car pulls up behind me. A guy jumps out and starts "helping" me. I protest and protest. Nothing I say will make this guy go away. And he now has my tire iron. Weapon! He finishes my tire and then closes the trunk with a flourish. He's incredibly proud of himself. Never mind I hung the keys on a hook in the trunk so they wouldn't get misplaced while I changed the tire. I went from fearing for my life to anger in about three seconds flat. And like you I thanked the S.O.B. and then sat and waited for a locksmith to come unlock my trunk so I could get my keys. Sigh.
What I got out of this was "why on earth are you all using an ergo when they are obviously a royal PITA?"
I also feel the need to scream "Damned if you do, damned if you don't."
I know this is beside the point but I am giggling hysterically at tzena's "stigmata of the 'it takes a village' concept." I'm imagining a posse of well-intentioned but bumbling grandfather figures with outstretched bleeding hands trying to help you shove Ben into the carrier.
You bend over for that? Ouch! I prefer to remain standing so that I can sock any "helpful" passersby.
It really impresses people (read: freaks them the freak out) when you put the carrier under their armpits, hold both straps tight, and swing them over your shoulder, though I'm betting Ben is heavier than my chicken butt 2yo and that might be a few too many bonus points. The swing does keep them at bay though.
(Apropos the commenter up-thread.)
I've totally handed over my baby to a stranger who offered to help. I've gotten in trouble a few times where having the baby in a front carry left me unable to subdue a violently tantruming three year old, and it only made sense to hand off the small and placid one.
Almost anyone can hold a newborn successfully, but I give even odds of a stranger getting their fingers pinched if they try to fold my stroller, and they'll certainly make matters worse if they try to help the toddler.
I like public offers to help--however helpful they may actually be--or other kinds of interaction.
I live in what is basically a giant retirement community so we are constantly being chatted up or "assisted" by older people, and I enjoy the community feeling. Sometimes they're off-base, and some are irritatingly pursed-lipped about things, but mostly the intent is positive and I like it. Plus I like that my little girl gets to experience more people.
Of course, this episode seems to have some personal-space and over-eagerness aspects to it, but on the whole it sounds benign.