Giveaway: Let's Panic About Babies!
If writing on the Internet has taught me nothing else — and it has not — I thought it had taught me that panic shared is panic eased. Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy, of Finslippy and Fussy respectively, have definitively shattered my hypothesis with their new book, Let's Panic About Babies! (Thanks, shatterer...erer...esses.) It turns out that panic shared is actually panic mocked, mercilessly and hilariously, complete with helpful line drawings:
(I know. Iiiii know, infertile friends. Your embryologists went commando.)
No matter how you find yourself with child — do I hear "Both hands and a flashlight"? — Alice and Eden will guide you through the bewildering first months of pregnancy, the harrowing hours of labor and delivery, and the what-the-fucking-Christing? of the newborn phase with gentle womanly wisdom, a bottomless wellspring of sympathy, lots and lots of dick jokes, and a creature that looks sort of like an armadillo, but could not possibly be:
Sorry if that was a spoiler. (Wait a minute. No, I'm not. ROSEBUD WAS HIS SLED.)
"Through absurd anecdotes, charts and pictures," their publisher primly claims, "the authors satirize typical pregnancy handbooks in a comically ironic and often bawdy manner." (Bawdy! Often bawdy! My stars! Is nothing sacred?) The book also features useful tables, quizzes, and lists with titles like OBSERVATIONS SOME ASSHOLES WILL SHARE WITH YOU, AND APPROPRIATE RESPONSES and BIG FAT GODDAMN LIES YOUR FRIENDS WILL TELL YOU. It also includes this bold and fearless indictment of that darkest denizen of...well, basically just darkness, I guess: the mommyblogger.
Alice, Eden, I flutter my tarp in salute. (If that grommet hits me in the eye, I'm going to feel reeeeally stupid.)
If you would like to win not only a copy of this groundbreaking work of annotated Elizabethan allegorical poetry but a "Panic Break" gift basket, including...
- an electric "back" massager, not for use on unexplained calf pain, ladies;
- a stress ball, for gagging annoying advice-givers;
- an anti-stress bath soak, for reviving your victims when remorse eventually steals over you;
- a meditation CD, so that you can contemplate your own unworthiness to shepherd an innocent newborn soul through this our world of wickedness and despair;
- Anne Taintor shot glasses, which might even be something like this; and
- a Panic-themed Subversive Cross Stitch kit!
...please leave a comment here, telling us either what animal that is in the picture above — it's almost like it's a travel-sized accordion/armadillo hybrid, one that doubles as a collapsible cup, and yes, I am only including that link to mess up Let's Panic's "Customers who bought this item also bought..." on Amazon — or the worst thing anyone's ever said to you about pregnancy, childbirth or parenting.
I'll pick a winner on Wednesday, March 9. Contest open to residents of the US and Canada only, please, and if you enter more than once, I'll see to it that your calf pain is no longer unexplained.