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09/02/2011

My other car is a reproductive endocrinologist's boat

Handy List of Useful Indicators of Female Fertility (If You Are Among an Infinitesimal Segment of the New York Times Fashion and Style Section's Readership, and Also Quite Sadly Deluded)

  1. Number of hours since your last salon blowout
  2. Distracting snaggly-looking lower left incisor, presence or absence of; see also: teenage orthodontics, presence or absence of; see also: parental love and concern, presence or absence of
  3. Current condition of your pedicure, on a scale of Sweet Pink Newborn Toesies to Scrofulous Pterodactyl Claw
  4. How politely that bartender pretended he needed to card you when you ordered that $19 Geritoltini
  5. AKC-registered breed most readily called to mind when you get into Downward Facing Dog
  6. Brand of eye cream you favor for night: the one made entirely from the vanishingly rare North American right whale, or the one with scraps from other junk whales mixed in
  7. What size sheath dress you can cram yourself into once you've doubled up on the Spanx
  8. Whether you just pluck those few weird chin hairs whenever they start to feel a little pokey, or whether you have that wiry-ass Jeff Goldblum Fly shit lasered off

...

Well, I'd Buy 'Em

Suv-back

(Hat tip: Today's xkcd.)

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